Ago

What does your Alanon sponsor say?

What have you learned about yourself as the result of the steps in Alanon?

Do you remember the three C's?

Something about curing or controlling others?

As in we can't.

I found it was best to stop trying to understand "her" and start trying to understand myself and my behaviors, and worry about my recovery and my inventory, not hers.

Should you cut your losses or stay?

Isn't that a question best answered from a healthy state of mind? I find when I make a decision with an unhealthy mind, I make unhealthy decisions.

I found working the twelve steps with a competent sponsor answered all of my questions and gave me a framework in which to answer questions and a healthy mind in which to make decisions.

Dee74

Hi Sunnyvols

I think anyone in a relationship, alcoholic or not, co-dependent or not, has a right to set certain expectations they want to be met. If you believe your AH is not meeting those expectations, you're entitled to question your future.

None of us here know your husband, or your circumstances.

Get as many opinions as you can or want - especially, as Ago said, from your sponsor and AlAnon crew - then listen to your gut and what you think you should do - and make as good and informed a choice as you can.

I wish you well
D

CarolD

I've not ben in your situation or your husbands.
So I have no experience to share on either.

I do know not all loves are forever.....I've found
7 in my lifetime....

Sorry the 4 of you are dealing with this
Blessings to all of you...

Cathy31

I think get onto that step 4 (your sponsor does not have to be 'perfect' just someone who has worked the steps and hopefully radiates some sort of recovery), get well yourself, i.e. keep doing what you're doing and the answer will come. From what you wrote it doesn't look hopeful, in my experience the love doesn't 'come back' and the way you have described your AH reminds me of someone similar whom I met and just used his reocvery to be even MORE controlling! But who knows - only you and your HP - so keep doing what you're doing, get well, do those steps and make an informed decision. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you or push you around. Amends anyway are not just apologies - that's not good enough> you are right IMHO to expect a REAL amend and ACTION! If it doesn't happen well you eithe rlower your expectations or value yourself and go for what you really want. Good luck and plesae let us know!
Cathy31
x

Lionne

Sorry that you are going through this sunnyvols,
I cannot give you advice through personal experience with marriage, but there are some things that I wouldn't put up with in a relationship regardless of the person being an alcoholic or not. Only you can answer if the elements you need in this relationship to make it work are there, and I tend to agree with what Dee and Cathy31 said.
Hugs, and all the best,
S.

Clutch B

Please pardon the cut & paste -- but here are the points that stick out for me:

It's easy to understand why non-alcoholics think that if their AH just stops drinking, then they will suddenly become healthy, responsible, and mature people in a miraculous overnight transformation. But alcohol abuse is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. Take away the alcohol, and the problem is still there. AA is a big help in dealing with that problem, but the results depend on the willingness and desperation of the alcoholic.

If he "has never been very mature" -- he's not going to jump from a 14-year-old maturity level to an adult maturity level in a few months. After drinking heavily for ten years, he's only five months sober. Five months dry-time compared to ten years of drinking, plus the mental illness you described, suicide attempts, elimination of meds against doctor orders -- is he even capable of owning up to anything yet?

Sure he probably sincerely wants to be capable and has every intention of owning up to his shortcomings -- but it takes time to develop the emotional ability to fully comprehend what that means.


But this is the most important part here:

I'm glad that you are finding more sanity in your life. It seems (to me) that the most healthy thing to do is to keep pursuing this source of sanity. You have this amazing opportunity to heal, to work on yourself and make your life so much more wonderful -- for you and your children. Take advantage of this opportunity, and you may be very surprised with the outcome.

intention

Hi Sunnyvols,

Perhaps you are on both counts. You have not taken your own inventory yet you are focusing on what inventory he is taking. As to a job...... In the space of a few months he has lost a job, tried to kill himself, been hospitalised, had to give up drinking, had his wife and kids leave him.........going out and getting a job right at this particular moment in time may be the very worst thing for him.

I would guess his sponsor would be telling him, "first things first" - which would involve working the 12 steps. I would guess he may have also told him as long as he has some money (despite what it is originally intended for) not to worry about risking his sobriety rushing out to make a living, particularly if his wife and kids are safe with a roof over their heads and food on the table. It takes a while to learn how to live life sober and a while to know what direction God is taking our life. General advice can be not to take major decisions in the early months of sobriety.


You also mentioned about your husband's apology. It is true that saying sorry is not always enough. We have to put right the wrongs to make amends. It may actually help you to list on paper specifically what you want him to do to make amends for the past. And then make another list of things you want him to do in your marriage for you to be fulfilled. I would not recommend sharing the list with him.......certainly not until you are at Step 12 and have shared with your sponsor.

The amends list may help you to see that for you to accept the apology you have unreasonable expectations of what you want him to do. Or maybe not. The other list may show you that you want him to be someone he is not or never will be or never wants to be.......which is really not about love. It may help you to see how unmanageable your life is and spur you to working steps 4 to 9 as quick as you can. Or maybe not.

At the end of your post you asked 3 questions.

The reason why we do steps 4 to 9 is because we can't hear God's direction until we remove that which is blocking us from God. Only when you have done these steps and added 10/11/12 will you start to start to become aware of where your life should be going.

Steps 4 through to 9 (part of) can be done, if you are willing, in a few days. I suppose the question for you is when are you going to get a sponsor and do the work? Are you delaying finding a sponsor because you would rather sort out your own problems? That would be quite natural behaviour for someone in your situation........but it has not worked for you so far.

For your sanity and your future happiness, the answers are in you working the Steps. That's one thing in your life you will never regret doing.

Take care.

intention

Hi again, you say that you are seeking a sponsor to begin Step 4. I am wondering if you have done Step 1, 2 and 3?

Insulated

The most profound advice I ever heard from a counselor was "until all addiction is erradicated, the relationship can not be worked on".

Insulated

A man would rather be respected than loved. Once the respect is gone, the love is sure to follow. There are plenty of ways you can love and respect yourself and this is one of them. Maintaining your own space, thoughts, hobbies, finances. Do you know what I found (and it probably seems really stupid or trivial to some, but to me it's significant). Since my fiance' overdosed and died, I find delight in actually cooking for myself. Stuff that he wouldn't eat or didn't like. But that simple gesture of cooking something I like, just for myself and watching a chick flick really makes me happy. You may find happiness of this kind that is really important to coming into your own.