Gingersnap888

Hello - I am new to the world of heavy drinking and alcoholism. When I first started dating my boyfriend, I noticed that he always had a few drinks whenever we got together. I thought he was nervous or maybe it was a phase he was going through. Several months into our relationship, I started to feel uncomfortable with what seemed to daily weekday drinking (2-5 beers/wine a day). My parents asked if he was drinking in the morning or during the day. No, but I am wondering if he is just a heavy drinker/problem drinker or in the early stages of alcoholism. He seems to be able to hold the liquor, never drives while drinking, enjoys getting drunk on the weekend, and always has the refigerator stocked with beer, but does not exhibit personality change when drinking (except more rowdy). I have seen him drink a pint and then a whole bottle of wine by himself at home on more than one weekend occassion. During a recent vacation holiday, he drank 39 drinks in one week. Is he a heavy drinker or are these signs of alcoholism?

5 Monday 2 beers, 3 wine
8 Tuesday 1 beer, 3 pints, 3 wine
2 Wednesday 2 beers
7 Thursday 3 Margs and 4 beers
4 Friday beers 2 at dinner, 2 at home
9/10 Saturday - smashed
0 Sunday - nothing
39 Sun - Fri

I appreciate advice. I have spoken with him about cutting back. He said he would stop drinking during the week, but that has translated into nothing Mon - Wed and his regular habits Thur - Sun.

CarolD

Welcome to SR and to our Alcoholism Forum....

I'm sorry you are dealing with a dissicult situation.

Let's look at this a different way.....do you really want to
spend time counting his drinks and if so for how many years?

He is already disrespecting you by ignoring your distress.

What are your goals and dreams for the future?
Being involved with a drinker is often all consumeing
and the drinker will only quit if/when he wants.

What advice would you give to your best friend
if she was in your shoes?

I suggest you go read the Friends & family of Alcoholics Forum
and see what those members deal with each day.

Here is the link...

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Spiritual Seeker

You are keeping count. His consumption seems unreasonable to you.
You can't control his drinking.

What you can control is to determine if this is the guy for you...after all that is what we try to find out when we have a b'friend.
Don't discount what you have learned.
Is this what you want in a husband or father of your children ( or more likely who you want your future children to spend every other weekend with )

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that will get worse.

Taking5

An alcoholic is not defined by how much they drink, but by the negative consequences of their drinking. Has he had any negative consequences?

39 drinks over a weekend is serious, however is this a normal weekend for him? Also how do you know how many drinks he had? Alkies are experts at hiding it. My mom once thought I had 5 drinks when the total was closer to 20.

Gingersnap888

No, he does not exhibit problems due to the drinking. I am wondering if it is worth it to give him a chance to cut back or cut bait myself because the signs are obvious?

Steven35

Well, I hate to be judgemental... but I used to drink kinda just like that... And I was also in a relationship with a girl who was worrying a bit about my alcohol consumption (even though she drank too, she could see that my use was daily and I was always up for a drink) As I became more tolerant to booze, the amounts obviously increased..
What I'm saying is he may get 'smashed' from 9 drinks now, but do you really think it will stay that way.. Trust me, it doesn't.. How long before it takes 10 or 15 or 27 drinks to get the effect he is obviously craving on a regular basis
Pretty much anyone would tell you that what he is doing is alcohol abuse/. He may not be a full-blown all-day alcoholic yet, but he certainly is a candidate. Also, the fact that you spoke to him about cutting back, he said he would but then couldnt stay dry for the whole week.. That's a bad sign.

I'm only telling you this because a couple of girlfriends tried to 'save' me from my alcoholism but it only ended up with a lot of needless heartache for everyone.. The only people who can truly help an alcoholic are themselves and other alcoholics..

Just my 2 cents.. I'm certainly no relationhip counselor.

Good Luck

CarolD

I'd be running for the hills.....

Not all loves are forever

Silence208

Sorry for your problems, Gingersnap.

I've been in a relationship which ended through a number of reasons, but right up there was my alcoholism. In the end I would have rather drank alone than see the person I supposedly loved, I just couldn't see a way out and alcohol was always something to make things better.

You may not like what I have to say, but I would offer the advice of giving him an ultimatum. Make him choose between cutting back or losing you. It may sound harsh but you do not deserve to be living like this in a state of worry. Likewise, he doesn't deserve to have his every drink watched and counted (I remember this well from my previous relationship), even though I know you are only doing this out of your love and care for him.

It's an old cliché but "something's got to give".

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Gingersnap888

Thank you so much. I am totally inexperienced in this area. I am at a point in the road, leaning toward leaving vs. staying. It makes me sad, very sad because my BF is wonderful. At the same time, I don't want to try and fix him because I know it won't work. Yes, I know he is abusing alcohol but what worries me most is that he always seems up for a drink. He NEVER says, "No, I just don't feel like a beer tonight." He is not detatched. After a long bike ride, the first thing he will do is grab a beer. He'll also grab a beer for the road on the way home from a party (I usually drive). I just need confirmation, so thank you.

Silence208

I appreciate I haven't anywhere near your experience on these things, Carol, but that does seem a little black and white to me. People can change, it just depends on whether they want to. If there is enough there between them then maybe they will.

Gingersnap888

He volunteered to cut back with no weekday drinking, but that has translated into being on the wagon Mon, Tue, Wed with an optional Thu and open game Fri, Sat and Sun. I am most concerned about his DESIRE to drink. I don't understand it. Thank you all!

Silence208

Non-alcoholics don't understand it. This is at the end of the day a disease.

I will say that in my experience you cannot tall somebody to stop, they will have to want to do it for themselves and for their future.

Gingersnap888

If he were willing to look at it, I would be right behind him like a freight train. But he gets annoyed with me for bringing it up.

Silence208

As I said, it is up to him at the end of it all. He isn't being selfish to himself, but selfish to you and him as a couple. I would side in favour of an ultimatum. You are clearly a person who does not want to be in a relationship with somebody who has a drinking problem. The desire which you mentioned is all so familiar to me. Bottom line is you cannot go on in a relationship which is ruled by alcohol. If he was a person who liked a few beers of an evening, I would not see a problem, but the desire that you mentioned and that he seems to have that as his priority in his mind is.

crown86

It only gets worse..he sound like me in my early 30's...only difference is if a girl i was dating mentioned it was a concern..bye bye.I was not 'cutting back for anyone.lol and they all mentioned it..funny i would never date a drunk...pot calling the kettle black I know. Lol then I wondered why they didn't like dating me.

Bottom line only he can say if he has a problem and only he can say enough is enough..sounds like he is not even close. Other part of the bottom line you can decide what is good for you and only you can decide. Chances are you are not going to get him to come around to your way of thinking but you don't have to put up with it.

Unfortunatly it only gets worse. I started off as a heavy drinker and a happy drunk. Towards the end I became a verbally abusive monster and could never remember any of it because I was in a black-out.

If you are uncomfortable now, I could pretty much gurantee you are going to more than uncomfortable in the future unless HE wants to stop.

Good Luck

yeahgr8

This is going to soound a little funny as a recovered alcoholic but...i would not be happy that someone be touchy about me talking about them seemingly having to include a mind altering substance in about everyday of his/her life...wouldn't be for me but then i'm not you and i've seen how this kind of drinking is never really just harmeless...if he's a heavy drinker he can stop with the right reason and if your not that right reason then that speaks volumes, if he's an alcoholic that's a different matter...Just my opinion:-)

intention

I think the question is why are you in a relationship which does not meet your requirements/values of a healthy loving relationship?

Your boyfriend is who he is. He likes to drink. It is a high priority in his life. He doesn't have a problem with it and he sees nothing wrong in his mind being altered with alcohol when he is in your company.

You say he is a wonderful man.....but you would just prefer it if he didn't need to drink so much.

I would say he is a drinker, who may have some wonderul qualities as a boyfriend.

Is that really what you want, really want, in a long term relationship - potential life partner/husband/father of your kids?

Don't sell yourself short of what you really desire in life.
Take care