MeAndOnlyMe

I've spent the last month or so trying to figure myself out from a drunken point of view. I honestly feel that I learned some things about myself, my life and my relationships. I think I've been in a rut where I live and breathe exclusively for my kids and their health and well-being. I have no close friends any longer, no extended family and my marriage is stable but cordial at best. I also think that this dedication to my children both fuels my perceived need for a chemical coping mechanism and at the same time causes self-loathing and desire to remain substance-free.

Given this, I may have set myself up for failure as I slipped a few nights ago and had more to drink than I intended. I was able to bring it back around but there was a period of time when I got lazy and lost track of a glass of wine with dinner and it turned into a bottle. On nights past, that one bottle would have turned into three or four bottles so I'm thankful that I was at least able to recognize what I was doing and resist.

So, while like most people, I was thankful and happy with a few days clean and sober for a while. I didn't kid myself and knew I was experimenting to determine what sort of problem I had (pretty set on boredom and bad habits at this point) but I didn't think my plan through to deal past a few sober days. It's been my own fault.

One thing I've been struggling with the past few weeks is (again) the labels. I don't care so much that I've slipped as I've recognized the problem and am actively dealing with it again. I may slip again (and again and again and....), I may not. Time will tell. Resetting to "day 1" and "week 1" are quite counter-productive for me as I recognize what I've done yet am glad that I am still actively seeking improvement. It's when I don't care again (please, never again!) that I'll know I'm back at square one.

I may have a problem with alcohol but for today I'm happy with my small victories, even if I don't triumph in all of the conflicts. Is there anything to be gained by a person with 20 years of sobriety torturing themselves for one night when they get back to their mission and goal immediately thereafter? I'm looking to that person as an inspiration and offer my sincerest of thanks for being who you are and living by example.

I have much to learn.

suki44883

Sounds like you're doing okay. Very, very few people (if any) actually never take another drink once they decide they have a problem with alcohol. The fact that you realize this and are taking steps to keep it at the forefront of your mind is good. It's difficult to admit to ourselves that we just can't have a glass or two of wine and leave it at that. For so many people, that's not a problem at all, and we just don't understand why it can't be that was for us, too. Sometimes it takes a while for us to get it firmly established in our brain that we aren't like those who can take it or leave it.

The good thing about coming here (for me, anyway) is that I keep myself in check and if I were to have a slip, I would catch myself and get back on track. Whereas before, drinking until I passed out or got stinking drunk was just a way of life and I rarely gave it any thought at all.

We all have much to learn, and if we ever get to the point where we think we know it all, we are in trouble.

MeAndOnlyMe

Thanks, Suki. I think part of what's plaguing me today is having had lunch with an age old friend who's father is an ex-drunk, I confided some things and it turned into a sharing of war stories. I didn't want it as her father is a nice old sort who I feel is more deserving of help and the kind thoughts of others as he appears to have made his peace and is sticking with it. Completely silly, of course - no one is more or less entitled to help and condolences than anyone else - but for some reason I'm having a difficult time moving past self-deprecation and self-pity and not feeling "worthy" of the benefits of sobriety others enjoy and inspire in me.

Maybe this attitude contributes my my recent "slip" in some way?

Maybe it's just time to move on and find a psychologist/psychiatrist as my next sounding board?

Maybe I should learn to accept the little wins and take a day of sobriety as a day of not harming my body and learn to love the law of averages?

suki44883

Well, beating yourself up over a slip certainly isn't going to be of any benefit. It'll just make you depressed and we know where that can lead.

Everyone is different...some people benefit greatly with a 12-step program. Others use different support systems; be it counselors or therapists or what have you. Having good supportive friends and family can be of tremendous benefit, too.

The main thing, in my mind anyway, is to be realistic and understand that you didn't develop an alcohol problem overnight, and you're not going to beat it overnight. If you have a slip, just get back on the horse and try again. I never was one to count days, but some people find that helpful. My main objective has always been...don't drink today.

You can do this. It sounds to me like you are serious about it, so just keep on keepin' on!

CarolD

... Well that would be me ...kinda.
My current DOS is 4-25-89.
took me 4 years to finally quit.
That would not be mine if I kept drinking.

I've been thru many very difficult situations and
by useing my God and living in the AA steps
I've never returned to drinking.

It's not an issue....I'm an AA recovered alcoholic...

Of course there are other ways....but that's my experience.

Blessings to the 4 of you

yeahgr8

I won't bore the thread with the differences beween sobriety and not drinking, but safe to say you did not relapse or slip you just drank again so don't get bogged down with labels...i did this for years. good times?!

MeAndOnlyMe

Thanks again, Suki. I've read this bit countless times before but for some reason this is the first time I've taken it in.

hendershot

As long as I kept the door open that I may be able to drink normally again, I always drank more. For me it took me discovering that I didn't like drinking that much before I could stop. Different people have different motivators, but it sounds like yours may not be that strong, or you are ambivalent at best--which is totally normal--I was for a long time. I am not saying that I know for certain that I will never drink again, that it is not an option or something silly like that--it is always an option. I just know in my heart now that alcohol is not a good option for me. I understand being on the fence, wanting one thing then wanting another, sticking your foot in to test the waters of not drinking. Continue your search, but keep in mind you may be searching for a long time for an answer you already know.

intention

Hi MeAndOnlyMe,



I had that attitude for a long time myself. It enabled me to carry on drinking, which is what I wanted to do.

Each time I would say "well at least I didn't do _________ last night, it could have been much worse."


But surely there is a big difference to someone who has given up booze for 20 years because they know that they cannot drink and you who still believes that they can drink, even though you know it is a problem?

You are only doing what all us alcoholics do and that is try all sorts of plans to try to control or moderate your drinking. Is not "being grateful for the small victories" just another one of those plans? Being completely honest with ourselves is not easy.

I am sorry if that sounds a bit harsh. I see so much of the old me in what you are saying. These rationalisations and "not beating myself up" plans helped make me feel better in the short term but they only led to misery in the end.

Coolmel

I read somewhere a long time ago that there is a sign hanging at the navy seals training center that says something like this " welcome to the seals training facility...where the only good day...was yesterday". Our motto should be "welcome to sober recovery...where the only good day...is today."

...or maybe not...I don't want folks to think that tommorow is gonna suck...but to just emphasize the "just don't drink today" or the "one day at a time" concept.