hughs dad

Hey. I heard a great point from a guy at a meeting last night. The topic was step nine and he said that when he was making his ammends he made one to himself. It hit me, that the person I have hurt the worst over the past few years is me. I have been incredibly hard on myself and have constant feelings of shame, guilt, low self esteem, etc... regarding myself. I tend to internalize negative outcomes to personal failure on my part. I am not at step 9 yet, I am at step 4. But it is encouraging that these feelings can go away with work by me. I have held on to so many things over the past five years and they have caused me to fall deeper and deeper in isolation / despair. Drinking was the only tool I had to combat these feelings. The problem is that it was an extreemly short term fix and the solution became the problem. The more I'd drink, the more depressed / lonely I'd feel, which would lead me to drinking more, which would lead to even lower feelings etc...

I know that I am powerless of alcohol. Like many have said, it's not the 10th drink that gets me drunk - it's the first. I obsess over drinking, always thinking about it. I have lost so much over the past 4 years. The problem with my situation is that I think I would have lost these things even if I was not drinking, but drinking has made the problems worse and has not allowed me to get over the things that have happened.

I am going to work the steps. I have a meeting tonight with a potential sponsor. I am going to go to any length to make sobriety work guys. I really am.

I need to stop hating myself and feeling ashamed of the past. Why am I letting the past define who I am today? I hope that I find what I'm looking for...

least

I'd have to say that I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to liking and taking care of myself. I can forgive most anything of anyone else but find it very hard to forgive myself and move on. I have no solutions for you but understand your feelings.

dasha

i know all about beating yourself up mentally!! it goes with the territory of drinking,
you become like 2 people the sensible guy that knows the way forward in life,
and the monster that thrusts you down a dark alley! sometimes you put up resistance
other times you go willingly, it is like you literally become 2 people, that battle it out
time and time again

Stereosteveo

Thanks for sharing Hughsdad. As I read your post I get the impression that you are truly coming to grips with the powerlessness of the disease. I know what you mean by the constant obsession which eventually leads to the first drink. The only way I know of to have it removed is through the steps. Glad to hear you are getting a sponsor.

I hear many people saying they put their name first on their 4th step resentment list. Then they are also first on the list in step 8, and step 9. I don't read that anywhere in the book, and I didn't have to do that. In fact my sponsor advised against a "self-centered" 4th step. Forgiving myself never worked in actual practice. It may work for some, but for me I can't identify negative traits I have without pointing the finger. So what I need to list are the people, institutions, or principles at which I'm pointing my finger.

By doing this we identify the causes of our failure in the 4th column in our step 4 inventory. We ask for these things to be removed in step 6. We get the freedom through step 9. Our "self-forgiveness" happens automatically.

I can't wait to hear how you feel after your first trip through the steps.

yeahgr8

I didn't do that on my step 8/9, i did ask my sponsor about this at the time...funnily enough i too heard someone share it at a meeting, i got a hint i think as he was in the same meeting and my sponsor shaking his head furiously when the person shared, he doesn't hide his feeelings well lol

This is just my experience and by no means detracts from the great news that you are going to be getting a sponsor and working the steps to a brand new life bwyond your wildest dreams...really pleased to read your post:-)

AcceptingChange

I agree with you. You said "Drinking was the only tool i had to combat these feelings." That's what i figured out too. It's not that i was trying to be jerk by drinking. I was just using a means that solved a problem. Just like any carpenter's tool, if it worked, i was happy with the outcome.

But i learned too that it's just a short term fix.

Over the past couple years, i've been spending time learning about emotions. They control my life. I used to think that my decisions were based on my rationally deciding something by weighing the pros and cons. But i'm changing my mind and starting to think that emotions control the majority of my decisions.

You said "shame, guilt, low self esteem, ". These feelings are not something you can just decide to make go away. Rather, you have to learn about them, and how to live with them, how to shape them over time. These feelings can't always be controlled, but what can be controlled is your reaction to them. When they start to flare up, i start to slow down, and notice the change in myself. I hear the voice saying negative things in my mind, but i try not to believe it. I've decided there is no truth in it. And i think these negative thoughts are created by nothing more than habit and memory. When i get into certain situations, i'm likely to feel bad about myself. When i'm in others, i feel better about myself. Why is that? Well, just like dogs can be trained into the habit of drooling when bells are rung (reminding them of food), so i developed a habit to feel "i'm a jerk" in certain situations.
But once i started noticing this cause-reaction process more, i didn't react to the cause the same way.
That's something i'm using.

But sometimes we need sheer will power and conscious determination and a "I will not fail!" attitude.
Like in those 1st 90 days of sobriety. Those 1st ninety days are sheer willpower and determination, just "i ain't drinkin, period!"

once that challenging time is past and we've rewired ourselves to remove our drinking habit, then we can start to address our emotions, those uncomfortable feelings that we solved by drinking. We need a new tool, the tool of awareness.

navysteve

I made the biggest amends to myself when I got a 24 hour chip. What else do I need to do?

yeahgr8

Just wanted to say i finished my steps within the first 6 weeks of the day i walked through the door of AA with my sponsor. I guess we all have different drinking patterns...i definitely wouldn't have lasted 90 days with no work and will power never worked for me. If it's not in the big book it's not AA is another useful thing my sponsor taught me:-)

dasha

i have total respect for you guys breaking on through to the other side! i have to do
likewise! im still under the influence, being from liverpool im a good blagger!! but being
of irish orient RC, Im not a good liar!!as i am forever riddled with guilt!!!, goes with the
faith!! but i see strong people here not to be beaten and it gives me inspiration!!!!

jamdls

We are our own worst enemy. It took me about a year to really forgive myself course I had a lot to forgive and through this forgiveness of myself I was truly able to forgive others who I felt had harmed me. I also learned finally to love myself something I had never had and it feels good very good.

Mark75

Living in the sunlight of the spirit ... Getting recovered ... That's the amends that worked for me. I put myself first on so many lists in my life ... I figure that I would stop doing that. And remember, I turned my life over to my HP... He'll take care of me now, He does a much better job than I could ever do myself!!

Mark

intention

Hi HughsDad

My name was on my resentment list, on my fears list (I was frightened of myself!) and it was on my harms list. It was probably on the sex list as well.....I just can't remember.

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". It says "ourselves" not anyone else.

"We took stock honestly". If I hadn't put me on my lists, I wouldn't have been honest. In fact my lists were just full of everything - my life!

The purpose of working steps 4 to 9 is to get rid of 'self' and replace with God. You could say that putting me on my list was all about 'self'. Well yes, but I was at step 4 and I was still wrapped up in 'self', that's why I needed to work the 12 steps.

I found that the names, things and places etc on the list, were for the most part, irrelevant. My problem was 'self' whether I was resentful at me or someone else.

As to making amends to me, I did that by working the steps and having recovery.

barb dwyer

My actions are my living amends to myself.
Who, until the Program Of Alcoholics Anonymous...
I had not one whit of respect for.

The first and most important step of self amends
is to not drink.

One day at a time
One step at a time
One action at a time

I'm learning how to be a better friend to myself.

When I got here
forgiveness was just another word in the dictionary.
Came before that other mystery word...moderation.

The tools we gain when we work the steps of AA
can be applied in all aspects of our lives.

That is truth.

dasha

ok today is the day i stop, after a heavy session, which starts fri tea time after work,
a bottle of red wine,downed in half an hour, then a whole load of beers! and one big
bluuuurrrr!! then make it into work mon, hung over as sin, crabbit as a bag of weasils
drab and grey, just about gettin through the day! only to get home,havin picked up
a bottle, hair of the dog,tellin myself i just need to quell the hangover!! then back to
the shop for a 4 pack strong lagers to round the night off, then to fall asleep about 8
o,clock, and wake 4 am unable to sleep feelin just as bad,and write this, gonna make
this day a start, so here we go Bite the bullet.

yeahgr8

Well you are going to have plenty of time on your hands when you stop lol

All the more time to get to loads of AA meetings:-)

Pinkcuda

Amend for what?? I don't owe myself anything. Did I let alcohol take my life over? I don't think I had a choice. All I ever wanted to do was drink with dignity like everyone else. I never intended to become an alcoholic.
Anyone that thinks they deserve an amend needs to revisit what "Powerless" means and then needs to study the word "Insanity"
Once I think that I need to make myself an amend the whole deal becomes about me and how I feel. It's simply not about me.
The sooner I make an amend to myself, the sooner I forgive myself. The sooner I forgive, the sooner I forget what I had become.
I don't need to be forgiven and I don't need to feel better about myself.
I just need to be able to look the world in the eye.

barb dwyer

hey dasha- welcome to the furum!

maybe this is the inspiration you need to quit?


Cuda-
some of us, discovery after working the steps
that we were either raised or just flat taught early on
that we're of no worth etc. etc....

which *is* part of alcoholism,
but we've (some of us)
deliberately done things to harm ourselves
just as if it were another person.

if it hits home hard enough -
why not make an amends?

some of us were never taught
to care for the self.

the program offers those like me
the first opportunity
in along life
to change that... from within and for real.

readyforhelp

Hughs Dad: "I need to stop hating myself and feeling ashamed of the past. Why am I letting the past define who I am today? I hope that I find what I'm looking for..."
Glad to know I am not alone. Thanks for sharing, my friend.

dasha

OK Talk is cheap and deeds are earned, ever feel like your credit card is maxed out and
erhhh there,s no hiding behind plastic, like talking the talk, ok guys am gonna muscle
in an give it the go take no prisoners take these demons by the horns, an show
em, whos boss!!! no messin, dont beleive the hype this is easy peasy!!! BUSTIN DEMONS
comes naturaLLY, Like takin candy from a kid, eeeeerrrhh well the script never lies does
it????????

Boleo

No where in the Big Book does it say we make amends to our-self. In fact it says the opposite:

"The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others."
(page 74)