Making ammends with yourself
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others."
(page 74)
(page 74)
KCB.com/justfortoday :-)
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 168
Making amends to yourself I believe is necessary, I wasn't on my own step nine list I have to be honest but through working the program and living it on a daily basis I don't beat myself up over the past, I have dealt with that. I try not to do anything to beat myself up over! And if I do something wrong I would like to think that I promptly admit it.
Making amends to yourself is just being kind to yourself, working on your self esteem and realising that you're not the person you used to be.
Making amends to yourself is just being kind to yourself, working on your self esteem and realising that you're not the person you used to be.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: scotland
Posts: 126
its nice to hear the voice of experience... from many if i may say Veterans of AA, WHO
know the score regarding doin the neccesary deed of Abstinance, if you,ve been hard
on yourself for periods, surely makin amends to bein not so hard on yourself is relevant!!
my thoughts.....
know the score regarding doin the neccesary deed of Abstinance, if you,ve been hard
on yourself for periods, surely makin amends to bein not so hard on yourself is relevant!!
my thoughts.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Dad, a lot of good stuff has been said here. There are thoughts for and against the idea of making amends to yourself. It's up to you as to how you handle it. The important thing is that you've come to grips with your powerlessness, as Steve said. And AcceptingChange made some great points about dealing with emotions. What I want to mention is that you said you're on Step 4 and have a meeting with a potential sponsor. I would suggest that when you get a sponsor, you go back and do Steps 1 - 3 again. Doing these under the guidance of a good sponsor is invaluable. And don't sweat the amends stuff yet. Wait until you get to Step 8.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,949
Originally Posted by barb dwyer
My actions are my living amends to myself.
and that goes with all my amends...live a wholesome life thus causing no more harm to those around me. At least that's how I perceive it from a Buddhist perspective.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
To the person who started this thread and all who have responded..THANK- YOU.
I am not in AA and am using the sinclaire method - no not trying to moderate just go where the pill takes me. I have had miraculous results..down from a half gallon of whiskey every day and 1/2 to like mabye 10 beers in a week. for me it's a miracle I hated beer loved whiskey now I cant even drink it - this after 2 months - have not benn to bed drunk buzzed or blacked in a month and a half. Each week alcohol is less and less..I feel abstienence is around the corner.
Anyways, Since not be plastered and having a crazy amount of booze in me lo and behold it's like the magic..LOL the depression has faded and my life returning in a big way. Work is going as well as it can in this economy, my personal relationships are good, I finanly had the courage and strength to leave a ****** relationship, I am enjoying my new dog and have been going to training to make him a therapy dog - vistit hospice patients etc - something I wanted to do since my mother passed last year but would not happen based on my drinking, and just an over all content feeling.
I had been in the program from the time I was 15 to like 25...didn't need it then but now well..it's sinclaire for now but who knows in the future. The program was ingrained in me, and the steps. I have family in the program...an uncle 35 years sober that I speak with all the time.
I was thinking of the steps and who I really needed to make amends with. Who did my drinking truly affect. towards the end I was a literal hermit..completely isolated myself. I had mabye two friends i spoke with and my sister. I thought the first person is my sister. She is a single mom and has 2 kids 2 and 4. I thought man I owe her a huge apology for those night alluding on the phone I was suicidal and her driving to my house at 3am with her kids to make sure I was ok and the times she hadn't heard from me in days and came to check on me to find me passed out on my kitchen floor with crap everywhere when I got into a fight with my kitchen that I couldn't remember..LOL looked like the kitchen won. Also my 2 friends for the suicidal ******** and constant depression and whinning.
I was on course of self destruction and was very well aware of alcoholism and it's affects on others...I never wanted to hurt others and did my best to not involve others..and it worked for the most part with my isolationism. I thought hmm amends apology..then over the weekend my sister said to me out of the blue.."I am so happy your no longer a drunk and I have my brother back and the kids have their Uncle again" It dawned on me that was my applogy. I always beleived action means a hell of lot more than words. That made me feel good.
My fiance - I was verbally abusive when drunk and sometimes sober there is no excuse. However it took me getting off the bottle to realize I was also abused by her equally as bad in different ways. This relationship has been bad with or without alcohol and needed to end. LOL can you co-dependent unhealthy relationship. I feel zero guilt at this point. And my ammends to her is I no longer respond to the occasional e-mail or phone message...I am done and out. funny I have never been in a codependent situation like this prior..alcohol makes us do strange and out-of-character things.
It dawned on me HARD reeading this thread the person I owed the absolute biggest ammends to was MYSELF. I was speaking to my uncle who has been sober 35 years and he was dying laughing at me when I told him this. It is hard to put into words just HOW MUCH this realization has helped me. Christ I am actually semi-happy again...LOL I keep seeing me returning to life little by litte..it's almost like some godawful slime is starting to fall off me. Funny, even during my drinking I never really lost my relationship with God and prayed everynight...LOL when drunk though bizzare prayers..like take me home tonight god please..LOL But after reading this and praying and letting this sink in for a few days and praying...all I can say is wow.
By making amends to myself I no longer hate myself and beat myself over what I did to myself. I almost completely destroyed myself. Funny how just one stream of concious thought and realization can make a huge difference. My new attitude is ok you did what you did, you ******-up..so what. Now fix it. sounds simple i know but I feel this in my bones. I know their are a lot of drunks that know we are the masterss at beating ourselves with guilt low sef esteem etc. For me to FEEL "so what" is huge meaning it was easy for me to say it, easy to rationalize it made sense but to really feel it was a whole nother story.
I am actually happy again to be in my own skin and like the company. Not bad for a guy who really didn't care about living, was doing his best "leaving Las vegas" imatation and actually had a doctor say to me 2 years ago on my involuntary trip to the nut ward, "If you dont get help for the alcohol you will probably be dead in 2-3 years".
THANKS AGAIN FOR THIS THREAD - to me even though it sounds silly it has touched me moved me and SERIOUSLY enlightened me.
I am not in AA and am using the sinclaire method - no not trying to moderate just go where the pill takes me. I have had miraculous results..down from a half gallon of whiskey every day and 1/2 to like mabye 10 beers in a week. for me it's a miracle I hated beer loved whiskey now I cant even drink it - this after 2 months - have not benn to bed drunk buzzed or blacked in a month and a half. Each week alcohol is less and less..I feel abstienence is around the corner.
Anyways, Since not be plastered and having a crazy amount of booze in me lo and behold it's like the magic..LOL the depression has faded and my life returning in a big way. Work is going as well as it can in this economy, my personal relationships are good, I finanly had the courage and strength to leave a ****** relationship, I am enjoying my new dog and have been going to training to make him a therapy dog - vistit hospice patients etc - something I wanted to do since my mother passed last year but would not happen based on my drinking, and just an over all content feeling.
I had been in the program from the time I was 15 to like 25...didn't need it then but now well..it's sinclaire for now but who knows in the future. The program was ingrained in me, and the steps. I have family in the program...an uncle 35 years sober that I speak with all the time.
I was thinking of the steps and who I really needed to make amends with. Who did my drinking truly affect. towards the end I was a literal hermit..completely isolated myself. I had mabye two friends i spoke with and my sister. I thought the first person is my sister. She is a single mom and has 2 kids 2 and 4. I thought man I owe her a huge apology for those night alluding on the phone I was suicidal and her driving to my house at 3am with her kids to make sure I was ok and the times she hadn't heard from me in days and came to check on me to find me passed out on my kitchen floor with crap everywhere when I got into a fight with my kitchen that I couldn't remember..LOL looked like the kitchen won. Also my 2 friends for the suicidal ******** and constant depression and whinning.
I was on course of self destruction and was very well aware of alcoholism and it's affects on others...I never wanted to hurt others and did my best to not involve others..and it worked for the most part with my isolationism. I thought hmm amends apology..then over the weekend my sister said to me out of the blue.."I am so happy your no longer a drunk and I have my brother back and the kids have their Uncle again" It dawned on me that was my applogy. I always beleived action means a hell of lot more than words. That made me feel good.
My fiance - I was verbally abusive when drunk and sometimes sober there is no excuse. However it took me getting off the bottle to realize I was also abused by her equally as bad in different ways. This relationship has been bad with or without alcohol and needed to end. LOL can you co-dependent unhealthy relationship. I feel zero guilt at this point. And my ammends to her is I no longer respond to the occasional e-mail or phone message...I am done and out. funny I have never been in a codependent situation like this prior..alcohol makes us do strange and out-of-character things.
It dawned on me HARD reeading this thread the person I owed the absolute biggest ammends to was MYSELF. I was speaking to my uncle who has been sober 35 years and he was dying laughing at me when I told him this. It is hard to put into words just HOW MUCH this realization has helped me. Christ I am actually semi-happy again...LOL I keep seeing me returning to life little by litte..it's almost like some godawful slime is starting to fall off me. Funny, even during my drinking I never really lost my relationship with God and prayed everynight...LOL when drunk though bizzare prayers..like take me home tonight god please..LOL But after reading this and praying and letting this sink in for a few days and praying...all I can say is wow.
By making amends to myself I no longer hate myself and beat myself over what I did to myself. I almost completely destroyed myself. Funny how just one stream of concious thought and realization can make a huge difference. My new attitude is ok you did what you did, you ******-up..so what. Now fix it. sounds simple i know but I feel this in my bones. I know their are a lot of drunks that know we are the masterss at beating ourselves with guilt low sef esteem etc. For me to FEEL "so what" is huge meaning it was easy for me to say it, easy to rationalize it made sense but to really feel it was a whole nother story.
I am actually happy again to be in my own skin and like the company. Not bad for a guy who really didn't care about living, was doing his best "leaving Las vegas" imatation and actually had a doctor say to me 2 years ago on my involuntary trip to the nut ward, "If you dont get help for the alcohol you will probably be dead in 2-3 years".
THANKS AGAIN FOR THIS THREAD - to me even though it sounds silly it has touched me moved me and SERIOUSLY enlightened me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Before I could make an amends to myself or others it helped if I understood what the word meant in the context in which it's used in AA, an amends has NOTHING to do with an apology or a hug or healing my inner child, personally my amends "to myself" was stopping drinking, cleaning up my life and was working the steps so I didn't feel like the piece of sh1t the world revolved around any more and I could look myself and everyone else in the eye.
If I needed a hug I went out and earned it, I do understand the concept of an amends to oneself but an amends isn't an apology which is a "formal defense" or a group hug, an amends is:
amend [əˈmɛnd]
vb (tr)
1. to improve; change for the better
2. to remove faults from; correct
So Barb and Zen are in the right of it, I believe forgiving oneself is important (which also comes as a result of actually working the steps) but has nothing to do with making amends to yourself
So before I "make amends to myself" it behooves me to understand what it actually means as it's used in the steps, made DIRECT amends to such people, that means I paid their $$$ back, I cleaned up my past, I set situations straight, I stopped cheating on my wife etc. it has nothing to do with healing my inner child or giving myself a hug.
By taking these actions I made my amends to myself in every sense of the word.
This is a program of action, not amorphous concepts, the amorphous concepts come as a direct result of action not contemplation.
If I needed a hug I went out and earned it, I do understand the concept of an amends to oneself but an amends isn't an apology which is a "formal defense" or a group hug, an amends is:
amend [əˈmɛnd]
vb (tr)
1. to improve; change for the better
2. to remove faults from; correct
So Barb and Zen are in the right of it, I believe forgiving oneself is important (which also comes as a result of actually working the steps) but has nothing to do with making amends to yourself
So before I "make amends to myself" it behooves me to understand what it actually means as it's used in the steps, made DIRECT amends to such people, that means I paid their $$$ back, I cleaned up my past, I set situations straight, I stopped cheating on my wife etc. it has nothing to do with healing my inner child or giving myself a hug.
By taking these actions I made my amends to myself in every sense of the word.
This is a program of action, not amorphous concepts, the amorphous concepts come as a direct result of action not contemplation.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
