iwantcontrol

My boyfriend is alcohol dependent. He is currently not in rehab or a program but is waiting for counselling. I think he is just trying to cut down on alcohol and not get really drunk. Does anyone have any experience of simply cutting down on alcohol and not actually seeking complete sobriety? Can someone using alcohol to self-medicate depression go on to drink alcohol occasionally like a 'normal' person?

Also, what is the best and worst way for a partner to react to a drinking session or even just a couple of drinks? I don't want to make the situation worse by getting angry and demanding all the details about how mcuh and why he drank (something I admit to doing), but I don't want to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen as that may make it become more frequent and the norm, until things slip back slowly into the nightmare they were before.

I just thought it would help to receive some advice from people who have been on the other side of the coin. Thanks very much for reading this, and any replies really are welcomed.

crown86

Don't want to be a downer but until your BF recognizes HE has a problem and does SOMETHING about it things most likely wont change. If he has a problem with alcohol but won't rcognize or admit it then he doesnt have a problem. Unfortunatly, it doesn't matter what you see and think. Funny we alcoholics are genraly the last to know.

I lost my fiance a few months ago over booze. We were together for 3.5 years and during this time it was one wacky incedence after the other. No physical abuse but verbal abuse when drunk and me having zero recolection the next morning. Me being so drunk one night she called an abulance. I woke up on the stretcher told the paramedics to Foff. Next thing the cops are at my house Im cuffed and off to the nut ward. Was just lovely being cuffed and taken out of my house in the high rent district with the neighbors watching. I could write a bible of crap and verbal abuse and bizzare incedences that occured when I was with her and drunk.

Every time I promised never again baby I will only drink beer this ONLY happens on whiskey. LOL that lasted for a couple days and I was right back to the whiskey. It wasn't that I didn't love - quite the opposite - but I got to a point with alcohol that I no longer had the power of choosing for myself. alcohol chose for me. My girl was like me or the bottle and the bottle told her where to go.

After the insane behavior she finaly said enough is enough. And I still maintained I had no problem.No matter who said what to me to quit it didn't matter until I SAW IT AS A PROBLEM. My girl begged pleaded enabled kicked and screamed - you an alcoholic and I told her she was crazy.

Unfortunatly, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself not your BF in this situation. If it's tolerable then stick it out mabye it will change, if enough is enough and it's time to move on ONLY YOU can decide whats right for you just like him and alcohol.

Sorry for giving the realities of alcoholism...I wish it was different..hell i would have been married today

Astro

Just my experience...all or nothing for me...I have zero concept of moderation or "normal drinking". I tried cutting back many, many times and it wasn't long before I was drinking more than I previously was. I have to abstain 100%. To drink is to die. That simple.

To answer the rest of your post, you're in F&F so you know the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't change/cure it. What you can do is seek your own recovery. Have you thought about or are you currently attending Al-Anon or CoDA meetings, and are you actively working a program of recovery?

Groucho

I can't speak to the best way to respond to slips. As for your first question, my experience is that trying to cut down or drink without getting drunk has been ineffective. It is possible for me to control my drinking over short periods, but it's certainly not pleasurable.

I hope you'll excuse the crude analogy - it's like starting sex but stopping in the middle. It hardly seems worth it.

iwantcontrol

Thanks for the replies so far.

To crown86 - it is so interesting hearing your point of view. My BF has been verbally abusive to me and it always feels so personal, no matter how much I tell myself it isn't really. He does know he has a problem and acknowledges that. He has recently stopped a day program he was on because it wasn't helping. I don't know if that was a bad or good idea. I guess I will just be sticking it out to see what happens.

To Astro - I am reading all I can on Al-anon and codependency but am not quite ready to actually go to groups just yet. I am reading lots on this forum, and generally trying to work out the best way for me to deal with things, but it is so hard because I don't want to lose him.

Sudz No More

The only way to know what kind of drinker he is, have him stop completely for 90 days and then see if he can have just two or three drinks and stop for the night. If he can't, he can never drink another drop. To try and cut down when he is used to so many a night will only result in a relapse. He will always crave the fix he is accustomed to, he must beat the habit first before he can determine if he can drink socially again.

My honest guess is no he can't judging by what you have written already. He sounds like the classic case of Alcoholic in denial.

Clutch B

I couldn't. I had to stop 100%. I can't have a single drop. The nightmare comes back.


Sometimes "making it worse" is the best thing you can do.

I have been sober for a while. But if I ever drink again, I hope my husband makes a big deal over it. I hope he explodes at me in anger, disappointment, and fear. I hope he throws my things out onto the lawn, changes the locks, gets a restraining order, and kicks me out of his life.

It's the best thing he can do for himself.

And it's the best thing he could possibly do for me. It might just make me desperate enough to get sober again.

shaun00

Maybe he could come here himself and ask?....
IMO there is a difference between a problem drinker and an alcoholic.
the person that needs to explore that is him..

there was a point when i was teaching my dear little granddaughter to swim that i had to let go.....jeez it was scary
for a second she sunk........then bobbed up and swam to the edge....now she can swim strong...better than me......

give him the web address for sr.............give him the address of the local aa meeting.......that is about the limit of what you can do.
the rest is up to him.

please dont make yourself sick trying to sober up a drunk......imo it isnt gonna happen till he wants too........maybe if you step back it will speed up the process??.....
i loved to be mothered when i was drinking....oh yes dear ill stop tommorow.
it never happened.

good luck

cwdsi

From myself, to other alcoholics I've met, and to other people on this forum, even the people who posted before me in this thread, it holds true; an alcoholic cannot have just one drink -- not even one sip for that matter. It's all or nothing. I will bet that your boyfriend cannot just drink one beer and be content. He will follow up one beer with ten more. There is no such thing as cutting back. You either quit or you don't. I'd know because I've tried it many times, and every damn time -- to this very day -- I've been unsuccessful. I just come back craving the alcohol harder, and thus drinking harder.

"Can someone using alcohol to self-medicate depression go on to drink alcohol occasionally like a 'normal' person?"

In my personal experience as an alcoholic, no. No way. As someone who has battled depression off and on since the early teenage years (I'm 25 now), drinking alcohol does NOT alleviate depression. It might soothe the mind for many hours or as a nightly ritual, but on a long term basis, alcohol only makes depression WORSE. I won't go into detail, but I know this not just based on through any specific scientific study (although it has been proven that alcoholism and depression/suicide are comorbid), but because of my own experiences of drinking heavily on a daily basis.

In any case, I wish you and your BF the best of luck. You can't stand by suffering because of a problem that you've had nothing to do with forever... I do hope for your sake that things work out for the both of you.

flutter

If it was possible for me to control my drinking, I would have. I haven't yet met an alcoholic that can drink moderately, but they quite possibly exist somewhere. To answer your last question, the "what should I do" question of all questions ... you should do nothing but take care of yourself. His drinking isn't your business quite frankly, and he's choosing to continue to drink. What you can decide on is if you're ok with that. Can you be in a relationship with an active alcoholic who is leaving his 'depression' untreated? What boundaries can you determine are ok and not ok in a relationship. Are you ok with how things are, as they are? It's all up to you to participate in.. honestly it doesn't sound like he wants to quit drinking at all. Focus on you, and what YOU want in a relationship (or not).