Telling Parents
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 91
Telling Parents
I realize this doesn't apply to everyone, but I was wondering if anyone has any experience they can share with telling parents you have a drinking problem. I was chatting with Ananda last night and she suggested I ask you helpful folks for experience.
I'm 28 and I've lived away from home for 10 years, plus I mostly drink alone, so they do not know how I drink. Any ideas for how to make them understand this isn't their fault? I know my Mother will blame herself, which is ridiculous, but I have two sisters who both have had issues, and I know she'll feel like failed once I tell her what has happened.
I have to tell her, because I have to quit, but just wondering if anybody else has dealt with this.
I'm 28 and I've lived away from home for 10 years, plus I mostly drink alone, so they do not know how I drink. Any ideas for how to make them understand this isn't their fault? I know my Mother will blame herself, which is ridiculous, but I have two sisters who both have had issues, and I know she'll feel like failed once I tell her what has happened.
I have to tell her, because I have to quit, but just wondering if anybody else has dealt with this.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 44
I just had the discussion with my mom tonight. It was something I had been nervous a out doing for the last few days. I have a trip out to see her coming up so that added to the anxiety.
My mom was very understanding and glad that I made the choice to stop drinking. Both of my parents are regular drinkers and they always knew I drank but probably thought everything was under control post-college years.
It was hard to open up about everything but it has to be done and I feel much better tonight. Good luck, it won't be too bad.
My mom was very understanding and glad that I made the choice to stop drinking. Both of my parents are regular drinkers and they always knew I drank but probably thought everything was under control post-college years.
It was hard to open up about everything but it has to be done and I feel much better tonight. Good luck, it won't be too bad.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Washington
Posts: 69
I too just had to talk to my Mother about my drug abuse and had posted something similar on my thread. And I followed the advice I was given here of being just straight, lay it on the table honest about it from the beginning. They made need time to absorb but ultimately most parents want what's best for their kids. I also found that who's to really say what people have noticed or not noticed about you, when you're drunk/high you might think you're in your right mind but really....not so much. Good for you it's a very freeing step in my opinion.
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
My parents both knew I had a problem but I didn't say anything. My sister and my daughter (20 at the time) told them that they were worried about me. Last time I saw my mother she gave me a hug which was unusual because I live down the street. She died (suddenly) a few days later...I realize now what the hug was about. It doesn't matter what your age and situation your parents will want to help and will be happy if you can share with them. I wish I had shared with my mom. Have shared plenty with Dad since then...probably more than he wants.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
Generally if you're attempting to hide it from your loved ones, you're failing miserably... even if you think you're doing a good job at it.
Being open and honest about it (from my experience) will only calm her worst fears for you and reassure her that you want liberation from it.
Being open and honest about it (from my experience) will only calm her worst fears for you and reassure her that you want liberation from it.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I waited for yrs. for my son to finally admit he had a problem as an addict/alcoholic.
We can't recover until we learn to be appropriately vulnerable and honest with others about ourselves. We need to be honest, open, and vulnerable.
We need to admit to ourselves what we fear, and who we are. We need to break through our own denial.
This is a fatal disease that will suck the spiritual, physical and financial life out of you.
Take the shame out of it. Don't keep denying it just as you wouldn't with any other disease. Your secrets will keep you sick.
I had done an intervention and my son refused treatment.
Then a yr. later he agreed to go to long term inpatient rehab after I arranged it and financed it. He is still sober now almost two yrs.
He needed the help of his family to get well. Now he has the fellowship of AA to
help him stay well.
My opinion is to Get the support you need from family and fellowship. Work a program.
We can't recover until we learn to be appropriately vulnerable and honest with others about ourselves. We need to be honest, open, and vulnerable.
We need to admit to ourselves what we fear, and who we are. We need to break through our own denial.
This is a fatal disease that will suck the spiritual, physical and financial life out of you.
Take the shame out of it. Don't keep denying it just as you wouldn't with any other disease. Your secrets will keep you sick.
I had done an intervention and my son refused treatment.
Then a yr. later he agreed to go to long term inpatient rehab after I arranged it and financed it. He is still sober now almost two yrs.
He needed the help of his family to get well. Now he has the fellowship of AA to
help him stay well.
My opinion is to Get the support you need from family and fellowship. Work a program.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: MD
Posts: 58
Hi Malcolm,
I have experience with this and for me the situation went a lot better than I thought it would. I'm 24 and lived away from home in another state also. My parents knew I drank a lot but I thought they had no idea how big the problem was. My dad said that he wasn't surprised and was proud of me for taking steps to make my life better. My mom who i waited until i was 6 months sober was shocked but said that I had always made good decisions in my life (yeah right she had no idea) so if i thought this is what I needed then she was supportive. She added that she didn't think i was alcoholic. Even though she had that reaction it didn't matter to me at all. The only thing that mattered was that I know that I am alcoholic and I needed help. It also helped by telling them because now I don't have a backdoor to go back into drinking easily. If I were to start drinking again it would raise some red flags for them and it would make it harder to just give up in general. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
I have experience with this and for me the situation went a lot better than I thought it would. I'm 24 and lived away from home in another state also. My parents knew I drank a lot but I thought they had no idea how big the problem was. My dad said that he wasn't surprised and was proud of me for taking steps to make my life better. My mom who i waited until i was 6 months sober was shocked but said that I had always made good decisions in my life (yeah right she had no idea) so if i thought this is what I needed then she was supportive. She added that she didn't think i was alcoholic. Even though she had that reaction it didn't matter to me at all. The only thing that mattered was that I know that I am alcoholic and I needed help. It also helped by telling them because now I don't have a backdoor to go back into drinking easily. If I were to start drinking again it would raise some red flags for them and it would make it harder to just give up in general. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
Well...
First, I would suggest you take an honest look at your motivation for telling your parents. Are you trying illicit some reaction or consideration from them.
If you have a drinking problem, what action are you taking to address it? Perhaps, the conversation should be more about the action than the problem. This would probably be more positive by reinforcing the idea that it is not their fault and your decision to pursue recovery is a personal one that you are only informing them of because you they are a part of your life.
First, I would suggest you take an honest look at your motivation for telling your parents. Are you trying illicit some reaction or consideration from them.
If you have a drinking problem, what action are you taking to address it? Perhaps, the conversation should be more about the action than the problem. This would probably be more positive by reinforcing the idea that it is not their fault and your decision to pursue recovery is a personal one that you are only informing them of because you they are a part of your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 91
Thanks everybody.
I guess one other thing I should mention is I actually did tell my parents I had a drinking problem once before. 6 years ago, I told them I had a problem after I was sent to the hospital for alcohol poisoning twice in less than a year, and got a disorderly conduct citation (and almost drowned once......ah college). At that time, they did not believe that I was an alcoholic, and I agreed with them. I don't blame them for that, because I wanted to keep drinking and was looking for any excuse, but I know I will have to make them understand this time.
Good to hear from many of you in the same situation. I think you have the right advice, I just have to be honest. One thing I have realized posting at SR is that, once I admit whats really going on, no one will deny that I need help. No matter what the definition of normal drinking is, I am far far away from it.
They won't be totally shocked, of course. They know about the problems in College, for instance. They know that I used to sneak a lot of alcohol during High School. But I think they think I've got my act cleaned up since then.
SS, its wonderful that you have been there for your son that way. I'm sure my parents will want to do the same once they understand. They are great people, they just have never had any problems with substance abuse and don't seem to understand at all. They drink two drinks a night, every night, and thats it, and don't understand why I can't just do that.
I guess one other thing I should mention is I actually did tell my parents I had a drinking problem once before. 6 years ago, I told them I had a problem after I was sent to the hospital for alcohol poisoning twice in less than a year, and got a disorderly conduct citation (and almost drowned once......ah college). At that time, they did not believe that I was an alcoholic, and I agreed with them. I don't blame them for that, because I wanted to keep drinking and was looking for any excuse, but I know I will have to make them understand this time.
Good to hear from many of you in the same situation. I think you have the right advice, I just have to be honest. One thing I have realized posting at SR is that, once I admit whats really going on, no one will deny that I need help. No matter what the definition of normal drinking is, I am far far away from it.
They won't be totally shocked, of course. They know about the problems in College, for instance. They know that I used to sneak a lot of alcohol during High School. But I think they think I've got my act cleaned up since then.
SS, its wonderful that you have been there for your son that way. I'm sure my parents will want to do the same once they understand. They are great people, they just have never had any problems with substance abuse and don't seem to understand at all. They drink two drinks a night, every night, and thats it, and don't understand why I can't just do that.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by basIam 
Well...
First, I would suggest you take an honest look at your motivation for telling your parents. Are you trying illicit some reaction or consideration from them.
If you have a drinking problem, what action are you taking to address it? Perhaps, the conversation should be more about the action than the problem. This would probably be more positive by reinforcing the idea that it is not their fault and your decision to pursue recovery is a personal one that you are only informing them of because you they are a part of your life.
First, I would suggest you take an honest look at your motivation for telling your parents. Are you trying illicit some reaction or consideration from them.
If you have a drinking problem, what action are you taking to address it? Perhaps, the conversation should be more about the action than the problem. This would probably be more positive by reinforcing the idea that it is not their fault and your decision to pursue recovery is a personal one that you are only informing them of because you they are a part of your life.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: far left of center
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by Malcolms
Honestly, I have no desire to tell them at all, and if I could I would rather wait until I was farther along in recovery. I really don't like big emotional things, which I'm afraid this could turn out to be. However, my sister is getting married next weekend, and I have to do something about that before I get a toast glass shoved in my hand. My other alternative is to tell them I'm on some medication or something so I can't drink, which I guess I can do. I will probably tell my sister that for sure, if she even asks, because I'm not going to drop this on her right before her wedding.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
You can always tell people that you don't want to drink.. without a big emotional conversation.
I mean, if anyone shoves a drink at me, I just say I don't drink anymore. It's not necessarily their business as to why I don't, and I've found people really don't care if I drink or not.
Sure, maybe down the road if you think for some reason that it would benefit your parents in some way to know about your struggles, and after action has been taken, success achieved.. have a sit down, let them know how far you've come from where you once were.. most parents like to know those types of things. But if your motivation is more about reaction/illiciting concern and emotion.. save it. Who does that benefit? Are there any selfish motivations for having some big talk about your issues? You can take care of yourself. Work on you.. enjoy the wedding, take the glass for the toast and set it down. No one will care, the attention shouldn't be paid to you on that day anyways
I mean, if anyone shoves a drink at me, I just say I don't drink anymore. It's not necessarily their business as to why I don't, and I've found people really don't care if I drink or not.
Sure, maybe down the road if you think for some reason that it would benefit your parents in some way to know about your struggles, and after action has been taken, success achieved.. have a sit down, let them know how far you've come from where you once were.. most parents like to know those types of things. But if your motivation is more about reaction/illiciting concern and emotion.. save it. Who does that benefit? Are there any selfish motivations for having some big talk about your issues? You can take care of yourself. Work on you.. enjoy the wedding, take the glass for the toast and set it down. No one will care, the attention shouldn't be paid to you on that day anyways
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by flutter
You can always tell people that you don't want to drink.. without a big emotional conversation.
I mean, if anyone shoves a drink at me, I just say I don't drink anymore. It's not necessarily their business as to why I don't, and I've found people really don't care if I drink or not.
Sure, maybe down the road if you think for some reason that it would benefit your parents in some way to know about your struggles, and after action has been taken, success achieved.. have a sit down, let them know how far you've come from where you once were.. most parents like to know those types of things. But if your motivation is more about reaction/illiciting concern and emotion.. save it. Who does that benefit? Are there any selfish motivations for having some big talk about your issues? You can take care of yourself. Work on you.. enjoy the wedding, take the glass for the toast and set it down. No one will care, the attention shouldn't be paid to you on that day anyways
I mean, if anyone shoves a drink at me, I just say I don't drink anymore. It's not necessarily their business as to why I don't, and I've found people really don't care if I drink or not.
Sure, maybe down the road if you think for some reason that it would benefit your parents in some way to know about your struggles, and after action has been taken, success achieved.. have a sit down, let them know how far you've come from where you once were.. most parents like to know those types of things. But if your motivation is more about reaction/illiciting concern and emotion.. save it. Who does that benefit? Are there any selfish motivations for having some big talk about your issues? You can take care of yourself. Work on you.. enjoy the wedding, take the glass for the toast and set it down. No one will care, the attention shouldn't be paid to you on that day anyways
Thanks for the advice everybody.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Be honest an open. It's the only way.
I didn't have to tell mine as I lived at home through the worst of my drinking/drug binges. My parents must have witnessed 100's of blackouts and me chatting b*llocks whilst high as a kite on coke and pills.
All the best.
I didn't have to tell mine as I lived at home through the worst of my drinking/drug binges. My parents must have witnessed 100's of blackouts and me chatting b*llocks whilst high as a kite on coke and pills.
All the best.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,006
I told my mother, and she was fine with it and supportive. We don't talk much about it, but that's ok. I am not telling my father, as he is not well and I think it would cause him too much stress. It would be a 'bad news / good news' kind of talk - the bad news is I have a drinking problem. The good news is I am doing something about it! He would not get past the bad news, unfortunately. I don't think everyone always needs the whole unvarnished truth. When I look him in the eye and say that I'm optimistic about my future, and I am doing ok, that is the truth.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
I am 25 and a year ago I told my mom I had a problem. It was an incredibly difficult thing to do, perhaps the most difficult thing in my entire recovery journey. Like you, I did most of my drinking and using alone and secretely--so my parents had no clue, although I had after a rough patch told them several years prior before a brief try at sobriety. My mom blamed herself pretty harshly, which was difficult but understandable, and I can't control her reactions. I am happy to say now that it was a very positive thing coming clean, a big weight off my shoulders, and very liberating not to have hide alcy and drugs anymore. I think it will mean more to really substantively explain things, not just speak in euphomisms, although you should have no obligation to go into details. I understand the temptation to want to wait until after you already have some sobriety, and that is ok too, but I think it would probably be better to do it soon. For me, unburdening myself and getting support early on was essential. Just remember you can't control your parents reactions, at the end of the day all you can work on is you. Let us know how it goes. Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii
Posts: 13
I haven't posted here in a long time...actually, I haven't been here in a while either.
Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. I'm 25 years old, live alone, am currently a college student (a 4.0 college student
), and have been drinking heavily -- almost exclusively alone -- every day for quite a few years now. My parents know that I drink beer and whatnot, but they have no idea about the sheer amount that I drink every night.
I don't know how to tell my parents about my alcoholism. I'm not one of those people who have a hard time admitting that they're alcoholic; I KNOW that I'm an alcoholic. But to relay that fact on my parents, who I know would take it harshly (especially my mother)... it'd probably just make me more miserable than ever to see them distress over a situation they can't really control. They've got enough stress already from work and daily life, so I'll spare them the misery that I feel and figure I'll deal with my own problems for as long as I can.
Anyway, I don't think I've really added anything constructive advice to your post, but I'd just like to say that I'm in a similar situation as you. I know I have to quit too my brother, but I'm just having the hardest damn time doing it. The longest I've made it without a drink is 2 days, but I just cave in thereafter. I wish you the best of luck.
Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. I'm 25 years old, live alone, am currently a college student (a 4.0 college student
), and have been drinking heavily -- almost exclusively alone -- every day for quite a few years now. My parents know that I drink beer and whatnot, but they have no idea about the sheer amount that I drink every night. I don't know how to tell my parents about my alcoholism. I'm not one of those people who have a hard time admitting that they're alcoholic; I KNOW that I'm an alcoholic. But to relay that fact on my parents, who I know would take it harshly (especially my mother)... it'd probably just make me more miserable than ever to see them distress over a situation they can't really control. They've got enough stress already from work and daily life, so I'll spare them the misery that I feel and figure I'll deal with my own problems for as long as I can.
Anyway, I don't think I've really added anything constructive advice to your post, but I'd just like to say that I'm in a similar situation as you. I know I have to quit too my brother, but I'm just having the hardest damn time doing it. The longest I've made it without a drink is 2 days, but I just cave in thereafter. I wish you the best of luck.
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Join Date: May 2009
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I guess I'm lucky but I think my parents were actually greatly relieved when i finally could say that I'm an alcoholic. They had been inferring that for years but I just couldn't see it. I blamed everything else and drink to me was my best friend.
Honest an open is the only way for me in recovery.
Honest an open is the only way for me in recovery.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
I had not seen my parents in over 10 yrs when I overdosed back in 2007 I had no intention of telling them that I was even in the hospital but on the
6th day that I was hospitalized (and having been told the night before I probably wouldn't survive) my parents called me on my cell phone and I told them I had attempted suicide. My fathers reaction "I'm not surprised", my mothers reaction "did the EMTs lock the door when they took you"--obviously even though I had not seen them in 10 yrs they knew I had problems. From 2000 miles away my parents became my biggest supporters in recovery, 5 months later my mom died and I was comforted knowing that she died knowing I was in recovery.
6th day that I was hospitalized (and having been told the night before I probably wouldn't survive) my parents called me on my cell phone and I told them I had attempted suicide. My fathers reaction "I'm not surprised", my mothers reaction "did the EMTs lock the door when they took you"--obviously even though I had not seen them in 10 yrs they knew I had problems. From 2000 miles away my parents became my biggest supporters in recovery, 5 months later my mom died and I was comforted knowing that she died knowing I was in recovery.
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