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I need to say "I'm an alcoholic"

Old 01-06-2010, 07:24 AM
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I need to say "I'm an alcoholic"

Hi, I'm a compulsive overeater and an alcoholic.

I've been admitting that I am an overeater since 1999 when I went to Overeaters Anonymous and began working the 12 steps. I've always been a heavy binge drinker since starting at 18. I just suppose food got a head start - my earliest memories of using food were at age 9.

Despite great recovery, working the 12 Steps, living the programme, sponsoring...... this cunning, baffling, powerful disease got the better of me and found a way to get me back to using the food through the alcohol. For the last two and half years, food and alcohol have been dangerously interwined in my life to the point that I have no idea which is the greater problem any more......But still I couldn't admit I was an alcoholic....I don't even like whiskey, vodka or gin. Alcoholics don't just drink wine, do they?

Everytime I drink and binge I have been passing out for about an hour. When I come round the only knowledge I have of what I have done is the empty bottle, wrappers and packets that surround me. I have feared for some time not coming round when I pass out and ending up in some sort of diabetic coma. Instead of stopping, I have just coached my six year old to phone for an ambulance

Sunday morning, again no recollection of the last binge, seeing my child crying because of my behaviour as he retold it to me........I was so ashamed, full of guilt, absolutely paralysed and overwhelmed by despair. I literally could not move. I couldn't even cry. I thought of Bill's story...

"No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master" Pg 8 Big Book.

I knew I was done with alcohol. I knew that I could never ever feel the way I was feeling right at that moment....I could not ever cope with that again. Thank God, out of my despair I was able to call a friend in OA and finally say the words "I'm an alcoholic" after years of just saying I have a bit of a problem with alcohol.

Today is day 4 sober and clean with my food. Every day I have told my friend I am an alcoholic and I mean it. I have taken my last drink. I cannot drink alcohol ever again. I know that. I accept that. I am now quite grateful for that, which suprises me.

I did have an initital thought about how I would cope on Christmas day but thankfully the insanity was replaced with relief. Relief that I never had to drink again, that I could finally get off the nightmare of the hamster's wheel going round and round and never getting off.

It is really important to me to say I am an alcoholic to people who understand. I was going to go to my first AA meeting this lunchtime but the snow has come and school has closed early..........so I am sharing here instead.

Thank you all for being here (I've been reading posts over the last few days - great forum) and letting me say that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC. You see, I can shout it out now


All BB quotes-1st Edition

Last edited by CarolD; 01-06-2010 at 11:37 AM. Reason: Added Source per SR guideline
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Old 01-06-2010, 07:35 AM
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Welcome to SR intention! you will find good people and Support here!
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Old 01-06-2010, 07:41 AM
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Welcome aboard Intention .. youve come to a great place full of lots of support and information . Tho Im I have no experience on OA, I am how ever a greatful recoveing alki, Congrats on 4 days , It will and does get better .. Im sure many will stop and say hi and welcome you to the SR community .. ~ huggles Endzy ~
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Old 01-06-2010, 08:32 AM
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IT sounds like you have a big head's-up on recovery through your experience in OA. The AA group will be so very glad to have you I'm sure.

I've noticed in the last year how abnormally I eat sometimes. Like why do I have to get stuffed everytime I eat something good? Is it going to be my last meal or what? Are they going to quit making this particular food?

Also when I get bored. Well, when I get off track and start beating myself up really, and say things like "Well, I've wasted the day already, I may as well just relax and start over tomorrow.." Then I'll sit around and watch movies and "stuff that spiritual void" with brownies, ice cram, popcorn, you name it...Then I feel even worse...lol....The insanity of it all..

Thanks for Sharing Intention! Glad to have you here.
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Old 01-06-2010, 11:38 AM
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Glad you are heading in the right direction.
Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum....
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Old 01-06-2010, 11:47 AM
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Thanks for the welcomes. I like this site. It's very supportive.

CarolD - I note your edit to my post and will do that in future. I apologise. I didn't read the posting guidelines as I never do. A lesson learned there.
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Old 01-06-2010, 12:07 PM
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Red face

Originally Posted by Stereosteveo View Post
I've noticed in the last year how abnormally I eat sometimes. Like why do I have to get stuffed everytime I eat something good? Is it going to be my last meal or what? Are they going to quit making this particular food?
Hi Steveo and thanks for the welcome.
I used to have a sponsor who was in AA and NA. He came to OA after he kicked the booze and drugs and then found himself picking up the food instead. It's not uncommon. I think I could be addicted to anything really!

I see you mention Joe and Charlie in your signature. I was lucky enough to get to see them do a Big Book study when they came to the Uk in 2000. It was a wonderful experience and had a profound effect on my recovery and how I viewed the BB. The book I still use now is signed by them. Who would have thought 10 years later I would be back on my knees doing step 1, this time with alcohol. As they say, recovery is a journey.......it does make me feel old though.
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Old 01-07-2010, 09:17 AM
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I said it at my meeting tonight but i'll chime in with ya... I'm an Alcoholic too! lol Its great you have already been exposed to a 12 step program. You have a great future ahead of you... I had to stop lying to myself as well... I had to put down all my addictions to really break into sober living...

Clayton
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Old 01-08-2010, 04:34 AM
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Welcome, Intention. I'm fairly new here, too (though I've been lurking for forever). I am sober almost 4 years (one day at a time), but my "primary" disease is anorexia (and bulimia and overeating and everything in between). Right now, my weight is stable, but I am heavier than I should be because I have been acting out with the food for about the past four months. I had some success with OA in California, but have not had any success with it here in Virginia (after 4 attempts in the past 10 years). i went to residential treatment for my ED almost two years ago, and that was probably the best thing I ever did for myself. Unfortunately, I again feel "sick" and stuck with my food issues of late, and that's why I'm here. My food is not "clean," and I am miserable because of it. I'm so glad you decided to reach out--there are lots of us here with more than one addiction! Looking forward to more of your posts!

viavai
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Old 01-08-2010, 09:43 AM
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Hi Viavai and thanks for your post.

All I can say is that I understand what you are going through and know what it feels like. Well done on 4 years of being sober - that's great.

I hope you too find recovery from your eating disorder. I don't have an OA locally to me but I do speak to someone every day to call in a committment to abstinence and adherance to my eating plan. It's a start that helps.

I have posted in the Eating Disorders forum.....it's quite quiet there. Perhaps I may see you there too
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Old 01-08-2010, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by TheSunAlsoRises View Post
I had to stop lying to myself as well... I had to put down all my addictions to really break into sober living...

Clayton

Hi Clayton and thanks.
This is so true......it just took me a long time to learn the lesson.
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