Jason88

I attempted quitting drinking and using narcotics (abusing xanax and hydrocodone most of the time mixed with alcohol) and also smoking pot.

I joined this site a few months ago, 3 months prior to joining the site i stopped messing with prescription drugs for the simple reason they are very expensive where i live and hard to obtain.

Anyhow so i went thru a brief period of sobriety, then relapsed a few times. I think 5 or 6...not sure.

I cant seem to make it longer then a week, Tonight I was just overwhelmed with anger and the feeling of sobriety is pointless, especially sense sobriety makes me a different person...I'm short tempered, im depressed, im very quiet, and all i want to do is think about drinking and wonder what the point of life is. When im sober i tend to have suicidal thoughts, Just a week or so ago i bought 60 sleeping pills, dissolved them in a cup of water, then planned to fallow that up with as much whiskey as i could drink before i fell asleep (my goal was half a 5th or more within half an hour) I took a small sip of it to see what it was going to taste like, as soon as i tasted it i started to think about my best friend who had put a gun under his chin just 7 years ago and what he was thinking as he was pulling the trigger. The reason i started using drugs and alcohol was because of my best friend...I was left as a child with no father, a barely functional addict mother and it seemed everyone i tried to become close with left me....My best friend killing himself was kinda the last blow i could take. You can only take so much, especially as a child (I'm 22 now). Anyhow, so i decided to give myself a couple weeks and if my feelings were still present i would go thru with my plans. I am in no was afraid of death, thats not the reason i dident go thru with it...I just wanted some time to really think if its what i want. I'm almost certain it is, it seems like the only option i have with the life i was given at this point...This is not a spur of the moment thing, i have contemplated ending my town life for years and years.

Nothing makes me happy other then being drunk, im not even "happy" then...im just existing..I'm tolerable.

Please don't suggest i seek a theripast, I don't like talking about my "feelings" to someone who really does NOT give a ****, nor do they know me or know what its like to suffer from addiction and betrayal

laurie6781

Jason, I am sorry you are going through this, however, many of us have also and come out the other side.

The first weeks without our friend/master can be very confusing with all kinds of dangerous thoughts.

I will suggest a therapist, HOWEVER would suggest you see and 'Addiction Specialist' one who is also in recovery (and yes there are such 'animals' as some of us do become counselor and therapists), that way you would have a Therapist that does UNDERSTAND.

Some of these thoughts are probably coming from the 'anxiety' that many of us feel in early recovery and can't put a name on the thoughts and feelings. As a quick 'alternative' to finding an 'addiction therapist' talk to your regular Dr who can help you 'over the hump' of the detoxing days.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Dee74

Hi Jason

I have to second Lauries advice.
I'm not one to talk about my feelings either but a good therapist helped me enormously.

Please don't dismiss the idea. Nothing is too much trouble when your happiness is at stake.

We have a number of links here that may possibly help you find some help too
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html

Please do keep posting
D

littlefish

I was angry and miserable the first few months of my sobriety. I essentially didn't have a program. I was not drinking, but I was not sober either. I was in AA, but I hadn't started any of the work that is the crucial part of the AA program, (step work).

After 8 miserable months, I finally started working the steps and got a sponsor.

That opened up the pandoras box, so to speak and I started to understand where my anger was coming from, and why I was so miserable. Did I have to tell my sponsor about all of my thoughts, no. A lot of my reflections about myself have been private.

That phase of my recovery wasn't a lot of fun either! But for the first time in my life I started to understand what makes me tick, why I think the way I do, why I behave the way I do. I lived my whole life not really knowing myself.

I drank because of underlying problems. Like many of us, my problems are deeply rooted in my childhood. I didn't understand that. I drank to escape dealing with problems, I didn't realize that either. I drank to ease the tension of being a codependent to just about everyone I have a signifigant relationship with. I didn't even know what a codie was until I started working the steps. (!!) I have learned about myself, for the first time in my life. And I am in my mid-50's. I have experienced a breakthrough in terms of my personal awareness and am developing as a person, also, for the first time in my life. I used alcohol for 30 years to prevent any personal development whatsover. It was too frightening to consider doing that. I chose to become comfortably numb and avoid the issue.


I use AA, but you can choose other alternatives, the most important thing is finding a program.
When you are not drinking, but still miserable, it means those underlying issues are still there, motivating you and making you unhappy.

Have you gone to any Young People's AA meetings? They are exactly what it sounds like: young people in their late teens and early 20's in AA. You would undoubtedly find a lot of people you can relate to there....
Good luck and hope you give some kind of recovery program a chance.....

itisatruth

Hi Jason,

Like Dee said, please keep posting & reaching out - there are a lot of good people here who have been through some tough times too and found their way to a better life. I hope you seek some kind of real-life support as well. For me, reaching out and asking for help was really hard, but looking back I'm glad I did. I know you don't know me and I'm just a stranger behind a computer screen somewhere, but please know that I truly hope you give yourself the time to get through this. I believe you are worth it and I believe it will be worth it.

~Rica

tyler

I've been where you are, except that I went through with it. I followed several hundered perscirption pills with almost a whole 1/5 of Jack (figured I'd go out with something decent) and waited to die.

Somehow, some way, my wife (now ex)was able to figure out from my behaviors earlier in the day, and a couple of vague emails I sent her that I was gonna kill myself. Prior to that particular morning, she didn't even have the address of where I was living (we were sperated). My mother happened to call that morning and she got it from her.

Anyway, cops came, no answer (I was passed out by that time), knocked down the door (with some dificulity as I had stacked furniture against it), and managed to revive me and take me to the ER. I made it, though I did suffer some brain damage. I couldn't put more than two words together for the firist couple of days and even now have a much more dificult time with complex ideas than I did before. This will probably not go away.

I was not afraid of death either. In fact, in my mind this was really the best solution for everyone. I was out of my misery, while I knew killing myself would hurt my family and those who cared about me, it seemed better than hurting them over and over again like I had been doing. I thought I had it pretty well thought out and I'd go pretty easily, but I guess that just wasn't meant to be my time.

However, this was no wake up call for me. I went right back to using, I wasn't 2 hours out of the mental hospital until I snuck away to grab something for the 20 hour drive to my parents house. I continued to use and to constently look toward suicide as a solution for at least the next 5 years.

I too continued to use constantly as it was the only thing that made me "happy", but as you said, all it really did was make life tollerable. I found the reason for that is that I had forgotten how to feel anything at all. Being high just kept me "comfortably numb", never too happy, never too sad, except when even that started not to work. I was frustrated in my inability to stop using, hated myself for all the dammage I had done to loved ones, couldn't care less about my own well being, I was basically existing for their sake. I had "quit" literally hundereds of times, only to go back to using a day, a week, or ocassinally a month later, but always going back. Honestly, the only thing that stopped me from killing myself was the thought of how much my previous suicide attempt had hurt others and how much worse it would be if I were actually successful.

I wish I could tell you what finally got me to stop using. One day I just woke up and somehow came to the realization that I just could not do this anymore. I had been given dozens of "chances" from people over the years, and I was quickly running out of them. This crazienes had gone on for over 20 years and had cost my my wife, son, job, home, and so on and so on. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I stopped. It sucked, but my life sucked anyway so WTF. Then I did it again the next day, and the next. After a couple of months things started to get better for me. My personal life started to fall back into shape, got a new job, started seeing a good theripist, a good psychitrist, having a closer relationship with my son, etc.

It wasn't easy, still isn't, I've only got about 8 months clean right now. Alot of stuff in my life is still messed up, but it is getting better, rather than worse or the same, like it was when I wasn't using. Quitting is not an instant solution for everything, but it is key to the solution. If you do not stop, I can promise you that things will never get better. They will take awhile to get better even if you do quit and may never meet your expectations of what "your life should be", but they will be better than they are right now.

[QUOTE]Please don't suggest i seek a theripast, I don't like talking about my "feelings" to someone who really does NOT give a ****, nor do they know me or know what its like to suffer from addiction and betrayal[/QUOTE

I also hate talking about my feelings, hate it, hate it, hate it. But I do see a theripist every week or so. I've been to many over the years, some good, some not so much. My ex-wife is a theripist, I've been around a lot of them while we were married. One thing I can assure you is that the vast majority of them DO GIVE A $HIT. In order to protect themselves, they can only get involved personally so much. My ex deals with addicts all day, and I've been with her when she finds out one of them didn't make it. Trust me, she feels it, it hurts her, sometimes she cries, but for her own sanity, she can't dwell upon it.

The theripist I see now leaves her home and cell number on her office answering machine and will answer it at any time of the day or night. Would she do this if she were just "punching the clock". I'm not saying there aren't theripists out there who don't care. That is why it is best to schedule an appointment just to meet them, and see if they are someone you feel comfortable with.

As far as not knowing about "suffering addiction and betrayal", that is frequently the reason theripists get into the line of work that they are in. You definately want to see someone who has a background in addiction treatment, oftentimes they are recovering addicts themselve, and know exactly what you are going through, as they have gone through it themselves and come out the other side. From the little bit you wrote, it sounds like you have a lot of unresolved issues regarding your friends suicide. That is something a theripist can help with. For me, it was sexual abuse in my childhood. I'm still working on dealing with that, it has funked me up in so many ways my entire life. There are large parts of my life I have absolutly no recolection of. These are things that theripist are trained to help with. But even if you've never been totally honest with anyone in your whole life (I know I hadn't) you gotta be honest with them if you really want help.

I hear and understand your desperation. I just want you to know it can get better. It's not always easy, and many days suck totally, but pretty much every day sucks now, right?

SR has been of huge importance in my recovery. Getting advice from people who have been there before me, even if I didn't follow it, has been essential. I'm a stubborn person by nature (not the only one around here, trust me!!) so sometimes it takes awhile to process and accept what I'm being told. But I try, I hope you do to. Welcome. Take care.

Stereosteveo

Thanks for writing. You sound just exactly like on of us!

I can't say it better than littlefish did. If I were you I would re-read her post about 3 times.

If you don't feel like talking to anyone you don't have to. Just find a meeting and you'll hear other people say it for you. If you do choose to talk you will help other people, if you're into that kind of thing...

You are NOT alone.

Astro

Jason - I can't offer up anything more than what's already been shared. I've been suicidal in sobriety, I chose a different option, I still have those feelings sometimes but I know without a doubt there's always a better way to work through my issues and emotions. I use AA, God, church, support groups. I hope you'll find something that works for you.

I share this meditation whenever the topic of suicide comes up. Please take a moment to read it and contemplate. It changed the way I look at life, I no longer fall back on the "ace in the hole".......

You are reading from the book Touchstones

Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more. And we also once. Never again. But this having been once, although only once, to have been of the earth, seems irrevocable.
—Rainer Maria Rilke

In the hopelessness of addiction and codependency, and as children of addicts, some of us have considered suicide, and some of us have actually tried to kill ourselves. We have maintained the option as an escape in case life got too difficult. Now, in recovery, we have chosen life. We've stopped killing ourselves in the slow ways of our old behaviors, yet some of us hold on to our ace in the hole. Either consciously or unconsciously, we haven't made that unconditional commitment to life.

It may be one firmer step into recovery - a vote for the life we have been given - to say, "I will never choose suicide. Whatever comes my way, it is not an option for me." When we give up that one final controlling maneuver, we may find ourselves freer to live in this one irretrievable life we've been given.

In choosing to be totally on the side of life, I step further into the care of God. Whatever I must meet, God is with me.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

Lenina

Jason,

I'm sorry you're struggling. I understand those feelings all too well. At one point, suicide seemed to be the only answer. But I just couldn't do that to the people around me. For once, I was able to step outside my own selfishness and finally get the help I needed.

What recovery methods have you tried? AA? SMART? LifeRing? CBT? Rational Recovery has helped me immensely.

Stick around SR. Read all the stickies. As others have said, consider seeing an addiction specialist.

We're here for you.

LOve,

Lenina

thejaywalker

your not alone in your thinking
I've struggled w/ such thoughts for 25 years
pondered the meaning of life so many times it's pathetic
all the why's and what's etc......

Somehow, with the help of a God given sponsor, and the love and mercy of my loving Higher Power I made it through.

I have struggled w/ addiction , alcoholism, pills etc..............since before puberty, but when I hurt enough, I found the solution to my problems and LIFE GOT BETTER

I hope you can find the path to recovery as well

NoMoBeer

Sorry for what you are going through, Jason.

I can't add much to what others have said, just hope you get some help.

Try reaching out to AA and NA, there are plenty of us who have been through what you are going through. Find someone you connect with and ask him to start working with you on the steps. Then keep going to meetings, and don't use or drink in between. You will get there.

Weeza

Jason,
You're going to be fine. It's hard to believe for now because it hurts so much, but the deal is, if you end up one night feeling so down you off yourself, you'll never know all the great stuff you had coming your way. That's the catch-22 of recovery-- you feel, deal, heal, and know miracles, but the difficult package is the pain that comes from feeling EVERYTHING which also means suddenly becoming aware of the wreckage of the present and how looming it is over your head to clean up.

You can clean up, little by little. You'll regain self-pride (a good thing actually), little by little... But there's a saying in the rooms and I hold it to be personally true:

You get to keep what you don't share....

I totally know you don't hate yourself or your life-- you just want the pain to STOP RIGHT NOW. Emotional pain is the worst because much of it goes to how well we feel loved... And this is the holidays right now so those old sad feelings are going to be amplified by the tens.

Just make a deal with yourself to not only not drink or abuse drugs today, but... don't kill yourself today... Every 24 hours, make it a point to tell yourself, "I'm not going to kill myself today." and when those hurt feelings kick in, reach for your pen and write down the name. Identify the hurt's source. If it's Dad who abandoned you as a child, write Dad's name down on the list. If it's Mom who abandoned you through her addiction problems, write down Mom's name on the list. If it's your buddy who abandoned you through his suicide, add his name, too.

That list of hurts is part of the 4th Step... Doing the 4th Step WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE. And you needn't go into detail with the writing because much of it is spoken out to a trusted friend who will be there to listen through when you get your resentments knocked out into a written list... The names on the list is part of the first column in the Inventory... Some folks call this a 'moral defect inventory' but I personally think that's a bad way to describe the Inventory... Yes, maybe issues of personal judgment (morality) are discovered from the Inventory process, but for the most part, a lot of us are here because we were hurt and went seeking self-medication as a way of surviving through emotional pain.

My friend, I know it sounds pathetic, especially for a young, independent man, to consider meeting with a therapist to talk about feelings, but it won't make you a baby.... if anything, it would make you a good caretaker of Jason. I don't mean for this to sound patronizing, but Jason has a lot of solid reasons for feeling alone in the world-- everyone he's depended on in his childhood failed to be there for him and he had to self-raise himself like an orphaned kid... I identify loads with what you've shared here because I, too, have been through all that and the emotional pain is a struggle if you do what's a natural impulse which is to self-blame... someone needs to be accountable but you don't physically have those people around to work through those disappointments and loss, so by nature, people who are hurt turn the blame on themselves as a way to help the accountability find resolve... But there is no resolve in that pattern of coping-- it just becomes an endless cycle of looping where you get stuck, and now that you're clean and sober, it's more intense because you are intelligent and realize it was a lot of garbage for a young, good, innocent person to go through-- inhumane, really.

Talking all those old hurts out with a professional psychologist, counselor or therapist, even a minister will help your head identify who the abusers were in your life. And abandonment is very much a form of abuse. You're not a victim though. You're a survivor and there's another saying that rings true-- what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger... By living through your pain, consciously and soberly, and dealing with it face-to-face, you'll not only know a new kind of freedom but your strength for loving and being committed will know no bounds. Some day you'll have your own family. You'll be in a vocation you'll feel good about and you'll be helping so many people, and all the losses you've experienced that left you with a sense of void in your life, all that loss makes room for new and healthier relationships and experiences-- that's the real miracle around the corner waiting for you, but it will be slow going to get there if you end up clinging onto what you're presently holding-- hurt... And hurt is a resentment.

So while you feel it's hopeless today, you can make the first action to letting go of old injury by giving those hurts names. On an Inventory list, in the resentment column, and this is being 'hypothetical,' this is how the inventory would progress:

RESENTMENT --- CAUSE --- EFFECT --- MY PART

Mom ----- her addiction -- security -- emotional pain

In by seeing the "my part" and how I'd react to the experience of my securities being abused, what results is emotional pain, so the only thing to do there is to Let It Go... but by how? Well, sometimes you just have to pray your head off, beg your Higher Power to remove the hurt... and it doesn't have work-- a simple "help, I hurt" is enough. Even crying out "help" is enough. And from what I can read in your bold step to make your first post, you've set "help" into motion. Your Higher Power hears you and is now talking back to you through all the friends you have here, and your Higher Power is dealing with you directly to help you form all the words in a simple way for what's so complicated and dynamic. No person alone should go through any of that grief. And you needn't feel it's a road you'll have to go on alone. You have friends in recovery. Just by going to meetings, taking on commitments you don't care to take, doing coffee with other members, all that is action in helping your life be restored to manageability which also means freedom from emotional pain (loneliness, especially).

I guarantee you that you'll feel better as the more time you acquire. My journey has been 18 years long with this road of recovery but some old hurts have to be addressed again and again, but the difference is that my days are now filled with positive experiences-- lovely family and son, work I enjoy, good friends. But as life is filled with trauma, drama, disaster, it's only human to react to the pain as a person in pain, yet I truly can say I'm not walking this life alone anymore because I feel the presence of my Higher Power all around me... way too many miracles have happened for me to discount this amazing love I know with my HP...

If you're not already hooked in with a 12 Step program, please give it a shot. AA and NA are wonderful and accessible. There's no catch. They're free and full of people who want to know you and be your friend... because, left on our own, we're miserable, but together we cope.

Just for today, know how special you are and what joys are awaiting you around the corner. I personally care about how you're feeling because I've lost a dozen friends to suicide over my 40 some years, and many of these friends took their lives while they were drunk or loaded-- had they not gotten so intoxicated and let their pains magnify from the booze and drugs, they would have pulled through another day and at least unloaded their grief to someone they could tell what was hurting-- they were all dear people who could have used a 12 Step program like AA or NA-- counseling wasn't enough because sometimes talking about stuff can fall into a loop but with the 2nd Step and 4th Step followed through by 5th (sharing the inventory with a trusted friend, someone like sponsor or minister or therapist), those old attachments to suffering somehow get released, and once the release happens, peace fills that void.

Now, going back to the hypothetical inventory I wrote above, the other part of the "my part" would be to pray for the mother who had it in her to abandon her child through her addiction problems because she's a sick addict. This was hard for me to do but I had to turn it over and wish for my mother to find recovery, just wish her well. And in doing so, I somehow was able to grow with a matured understanding and find compassion for my mother... I'm a mother now and there's nothing in the world that would ever interfere with me being totally and completely dedicated to my son's happiness, and in being in this place today, I just can feel the grief, stress and pain my mother had to go through for her failures with loving and caring for me. All the same, I'm no longer attached to her through suffering. The past is entirely gone. I'm free. And my hope for you, too, is that you'll know this kind of peace.

You're going to be fine and you'll make it through this time. Just stay clean and sober, find your way to a 12 Step meeting. Let people know you're new, get some phone numbers, make friends, pick up the literature and concentrate on your 3rd Step... Because if you can turn your will and your life over to the care of your Higher Power, thoughts of suicide won't be followed through... You might have emotional pain that lingers but those pains lessen over time, and as your life improves and you become accountable to care for others, perhaps even children of your own some day, you'll remain on this Earth totally prepared and confident, grateful and happy to be alive.

The good news, Jason, is that your life and sorrow can't get much worse than it already has been... that chapter is closed.... you've survived and now are due your your happiness, so grab it while it's here for the taking-- it's yours.

xx Weeza

Sudz No More

Jason, You have so much to live for if you really apply yourself to healthy distractions other than drinking. You need to think selfishly, you need to want it for you, nobody else.

You know people can't tell you when to stop, you need to tell yourself. The best way to go about it is to feel that you are winning for you, that each day sober is a victory for you and something to feel good about. Pat yourself on the back each day and remind yourself how great you are for coming so far.

Then, when you have come clean with yourself, brag to your friends and family how good you are doing. In the darkest moments of drying out in that first week and thereafter, remind yourself that you are doing it for you and that you are the winner. Each day sober congratulate yourself and walk tall, the further you stay sober the better you will feel. Pretty soon you'll be two months sober and so proud of yourself that you'll want to tell the world.

You can do it Bud.

basIam

Just a clarification about the fourth step...

The big book suggests, first list the people,institutions and principles with whom we were anger.
When that is done, list what it was that made us angry.
When that is done, list what about us was affected (there is a suggested list of possibilities)
It then suggests we become willing to set aside our resentment and look at our part. It gives a prayer to help.
When we can look at the first column without resentment, we go back and list where we may have been at fault.

It is important to also note the fourth comes after the third, which is after the second, which is after the first.

So, how about telling us about your first step? Have you done the first? What does the first step mean to you?

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I guarantee you if you share with us your first step experience, it will have an extremely positive effect.

thirtybubba

Jason (hugs)...

ClayTheScribe

Hey Jason,

I seem to remember I was feeling suicidal a month or two ago and you were pleading with me why it was a bad idea. You told me about how you started drinking and drugging because of your friend's suicide, but how you could never do that because you know all the people it would hurt. What has changed for you to consider this would be helpful to anyone? Your sister and family would be forever strained with guilt and anger--and it could tear your family apart.

Let me tell you what has changed for me since the time you told me about your problems with suicide. About a month ago a few things happened. I hit my 4 month mark of sobreity, 2 months off of pot, I ran out of my ambien, so I was only taking benadryl to help me sleep and I got back some very helpful feedback on my cover letter. I don't know if it was the combination of those things or just the help with my cover letter, but I had a sudden lift in my depression. I felt lighter, I awoke in the morning earlier, I started reading more, I felt giddy about life. I've pretty much been able to maintain that since then and have had no suicidal ideation since then.

Of course you feel suicidal right now because you're body's scrambling to figure out what to do without all these chemicals you've been dousing yourself with everyday, not to top it off, your current living situation. So it's natural you're going through a lot of pain right now, but it won't be that way forever. Eventually your body will get used to being without all these substances and you WILL FEEL HAPPY, happier than you can remember being in a long time. I'm not just saying this because you helped talk me out of suicide and now I feel I have to do the same or because it's the right, moral thing to do, but because I've got to know you and I like you. I think you're a real likable guy and I can't imagine how many people would feel lost without you in their lives, and you know that's true, which is why you posted here. You're only 22, man, we're still young, we have so much potential and so much life ahead of us to regain what we've lost. Don't throw away your life and all the relationships you've built because of a chemical imbalance. For that I would suggest you seek out a doctor or psychiatrist and tell them what you're going through so they can help this chemical imbalances. Ignore the impulses that want you to hurt yourself, that's the addiction talking and you don't want it to win.

I don't care if you talk to a therapist or just a friend, but you need to talk to someone who cares. I left you a message on your phone with my number, so you know how to reach me. I'm willing just to listen.

Sure, with suicide you may escape your pain and your illness, but what about the people you leave behind? Do you want to that to be your legacy? Do you want to create another addict, or addicts, by leaving this way, or help heal the addict who is you? I can guarantee if you pick the latter, you'll have a whole team of support to help you through it, as has been evidenced by the replies in this thread.

I and all the other friends you've made on SR would be deeply saddened if you left. Please don't do it.

CarolD

Prayers coming your way for clarity and healing.
Mega