hughs dad

Well my on again off again love of sobriety is back. Today is day 4. Eating better, sleeping better, feeling better, but this is my cycle. It's what I do. I'll start feeling better soon then guess what??? Whiskey and cigerette time!!! I'm such a fukcing dumb ass for continually going back to the very thing that I hate and does nothing good for me. I'm on my third username here because I'm so embarresed of my faliures...

I have all the risk factors for heart disease. Overweight, smoke (only when drinking), no exercise, terrible diet, and heavy alcohol use (2 fifths a week 80 proof whiskey. I truly believe I can cure all of the factors by just taking care of one --- the drinking. Drinking causes such a chain reaction in me. I start eating much worse foods while drinking, I damn near binge eat at night to soak up all the booze I drank. I don't exercise (who has time when there's whiskey to drink) and smoke like a chimney. It's literally like I'm trying to kill myself. I feel at the end of my rope though. I feel like it's becoming life / death (seems dramatic for a man in his early 30's - but I feel 20 years older than I did 5 years ago.

I really hope I can do it this time. I really hope everyone here makes it as well. There are a lot of good people here with long periods of sobriety. The trick is ... becoming one of them and not one of the me's... Coming in and out, quitting when things are bad - the drinking when things are good - then drinking makes things bad - then not drinking when things are bad ---- I could go on for days.

I hate booze. It wants to kill me. I have to stop!

thejaywalker

I struggled numerous times my friend, nothing to beat yourself up over ( it really doesn't do any good )

Be glad that, today ,you are not drinking

I would be happy to discuss my trials and tribulations w/ you via pm if you like.

Glad your back

CarolD

Welcome back to SR....

While your pattern of binge drinking was not mine
to finally quit.....regardless of external factors

I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

I certainly hope you too will soon reach that point.

Astro

You've been coming around here for a couple years, seems like you have the desire to recover.

All I can share from experience is that I finally reached a point after many years of trying to stop and many failed attempts, where quitting became more important than anything else. Drinking ceased to be an option, for to drink meant to eventually die.

jaitch

Some folk. like me, have to learn the hard way.

tyler

Relapse sucks, no doubt, been there more times than I can remember. The trick is to turn a negative experience into a positive one. Examine closely each time you've "quit" only to go back to the drink. What was it in your mind that made that "ok". Work on fixing that. Try to learn from each relapse and then make corrections where you went wrong. Do you still keep alcohol in the house? Have you made it common knowledge to those around you that you no longer choose to drink? (It doesn't have to be because you are an alcoholc, if you are not ready to say that, just say it's "doctors orders". That's probably no lie as I'm sure your doctor would probably recommend it!!) Are you reaching out for help and advice, and making a real attempt to follow it? I'm not saying you are or aren't doing any of these things, just throwing some ideas at the wall. Only you can determine what it is that "sets you off" and work toward changing it. "Wanting it" is not enough. You have to be willing to put in the WORK. What can you do differentlly this time? Thats the best I can offer. Here's to a sober New Year. Take care.

Richard54

I'm with you Hugh's Dad...
I had many months of sobriety earlier this year...
Lately though I've really blown it.
But I'm coming back.
Day 1 here...
I have to make it work...

Dee74

welcome back Hughs Dad and Richard
D

gravity

This cycle doesn't stay the same. It gets worse.

I've heard "hitting bottom" defined as losing or about to lose something more important to you than alcohol. You might want to get serious about putting in the work to quit for good before you lose something really important.

Take care.

coffeenut

Welcome back, hughsdad.

Keep coming back. It's not easy...but it IS worth it. Keep reading...keep posting.

Stereosteveo

I thought I knew what pain felt like when I got to AA. Then about a year later I had a sitdown with the hideous 4-horsemen.

Here's what I've found out about me:

"Wanting" to stay sober more than drunk didn't get me sober.
"Making" staying sober more important than drinking didn't get me sober.
"Wishing" I could stay sober did not get me sober.
"Hitting" 500 bottoms didn't get me sober.
"Beating Myself Up" for drinking did not get me sober.
"Hoping" I could stay sober didn't get me sober.
"Having Enough to Drink" did not get me sober. I never did/could get enough.

So one day I received a gift of true desperation. Gave up on all of that, and became willing to do this:

p.25
"There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation." (steps 4-9)
source-Alcoholics Anonymous
1st. Edition
.

Untoxicated

New name, new beginnings.

Glad you're still here hughs dad and congrats on the four days.

TigerLili

I got to the point when it dawned on me that the way to stay sober was to not pick up, no matter what. No matter if I feel good, no matter if I feel bad. No matter if it's world war 3 or I win the lottery. No matter if it's the end of the world. I just won't pick up that first drink, no matter what. I don't have an out. Drinking isn't an option. They could crown me Miss Universe and I still won't pick up.

Are you in AA? I couldn't stay sober on my own. AA saved my life. I definitely have to watch myself when I feel good, because I wander away from the programme and meetings, stop calling my sponsor etc. I'm way more likely to drink when I feel good because when I feel bad I'm all over the programme. So now I go to meetings, no matter what.

Nevertheless

I have no experience binge drinking. But I guess it's the same, as it all comes down to that first drink.
Like was said you just have to tell yourself that drinking just isn't an option. Might as well forget it because it just ain't an option.
I wish you the best. Stick with it.
Fred

Cathy31

Have you tried AA? Cause like me before I went to AA, what you've been doing is clearly not working. You got to try something different. Or this will continue til you're dead/wish to be dead! Give it a whirl. It worked for me and millions of others.
My life is unbelievably good nwo - it was unbelievably bad 4 years ago!
I hope you consider grabbing onto the miracle!
Cathy31
x

littlefish

If you are like most of us, there are underlying reasons why you are drinking. I seriously doubt I would be sitting here sober today if I had not reached out for help in my attempt to stay sober. I could NOT do it on my own.

Like so many others here, I tried every form of controlled drinking possible. Switching my drink of choice, counting my drinks, locking up the booze, avoiding bars and parties. Joining the gym, going on diets, taking night classes.

Hating booze and hating being drunk didn't stop me. I simply cursed the glass of wine as I forced it down my throat at 7AM.

I went through "the cycle" too, for years. I'd have a few good days then another few very bad days. Good weeks, then bad weeks. But, the disease is progressive. Soon there weren't any more good days. I progressed to daily, all day drinking and topped that off with binging.

Have you considered a program of some kind? I use AA but there are many alternatives to AA in the US from what I understand.
As so many here on SR asked me when I seriously considered quitting: do you have a plan?

hughs dad

Wow, really good responses guys and girls... I really appreciate it. It's crazy to me how we all have similar stories. I have done AA but I've never worked the steps. My complaint with my exp. with AA is everyone in the meeting talks about "get a sponsor". But then when I talk to some guys about it, they never offer. I want someone to grad me by the ear and tell me do this and do that - lead me through the program. My question is, is that not how AA works or am I just suppose to be more forward?

Astro

Well, there are some sponsors who grab newcomers by the ear, keep talking and eventually you might find someone who'll do that. Me, I had to ask the sponsor who had what I wanted, and I like my sponsees to do the same. It showed him that I had an earnest desire for recovery.

TTOSBT

Aaahhh, yes. Well, I know that feeling. I wanted someone to take me under their wing, etc. But I had to ask for help. That is part of being willing to do whatever it takes.

I actually asked three women and was turned down for various reasons. I am glad about that now. I asked my higher power for help with this and the right woman to come into my life. Then I asked one last woman who said she did not have time but her sponsee did and pointed her out. It was someone I had enjoyed listening to speak before and when I asked her, she was thrilled to say yes. We have been working together ever since. My suggestion would be to go to some men's meetings and listen. When you hear someone that has something that you want (for me it was peace and grace) then ask him. If he can't, ask him if he has any suggestions.

I go to a couple of meetings where they ask at the end if anyone is willing to be a sponsor, then to raise their hand. This helps to know who is willing to sponsor. I am not sure if that is done anywhere else.

Now that I am a sponsor, I also would not offer myself up to someone as a sponsor. They need to ask. And after they ask, they need to pick up the phone to call me. I do not call my sponsees in the first 6 months, they have to call me. I will return calls but they must be willing to be uncomfortable and do the work.

Good luck. There is so much hope and you have your whole wonderful life ahead of you! I was also caught in that vicious circle of self destruction. Today I have over a year and a half of sobriety. It is a good life.

jimhere

"I have done AA but I've never worked the steps...."

Then you haven;t done AA.

"I want someone to grad me by the ear and tell me do this and do that - lead me through the program. My question is, is that not how AA works or am I just suppose to be more forward?"

A while back I offered to hook you up with a couple of solid guys in Indy, but you had other plans.