death
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 222
death
i found my ex boyfriend dead in his apartment Saturday, Dec. 12. he had been dead since the wee hours of Dec. 9. we had argued around noon on Tuesday, Dec. 8 (more like he argued with me because he was drinking). from what i can tell, he was already drinking at this time......then that day around 6 p.m. he came into my place of business (i am a bartender) dressed in a suit and gave me a dozen red roses and told me he loved me.
i've retraced his steps as best i can that night. around 9 p.m. he was at a friend's apartment and took a fall and cut the back of his head with his necklace (a shell choker) and refused medical help. we don't know if he bled out, or if he had a heart attack (age 37) or choked....or overdosed. we found an empty bottle of vicodin in the apartment. his family may not even request autopsy results. that's how fractured his relationship was because of his drinking.
we had been broken up five months. i left him because of domestic violence and cheating and alcoholism. he moved into the same apartment complex as me, right across the parking lot.
you know they say, "love the person, hate the disease" and that's what i'm trying to do. it's easy to hate the disease, but over the last few days since his death, i've been hearing from friends of his about all the horrible things he was up to while we lived together (mostly cheating and selling drugs). so i'm having a hard time dealing with anger, which i would have had to deal with whether he was still alive or not.
i'm afraid that even had he lived, he was never going to stop drinking and get well. his life had become so out of focus and he was even hanging with people who smoke crack.
but i feel a sense of guilt because we had argued and i think it set off a hard-core binge for him, even though he was going to a treatment program five days a week.
his friends told me he was in a foul mood that night, spouting garbage about his mother (and maybe me too, but they are too nice to tell me) and also taking a swing at one of his friends.
he was just so tortured and in pain. i should not have argued with him.
any resources for dealing with bereavement and loss, even though the person that died was abusive to me? i still loved him...sober, he was truly a kind person. the disease just ruined his life.
i've retraced his steps as best i can that night. around 9 p.m. he was at a friend's apartment and took a fall and cut the back of his head with his necklace (a shell choker) and refused medical help. we don't know if he bled out, or if he had a heart attack (age 37) or choked....or overdosed. we found an empty bottle of vicodin in the apartment. his family may not even request autopsy results. that's how fractured his relationship was because of his drinking.
we had been broken up five months. i left him because of domestic violence and cheating and alcoholism. he moved into the same apartment complex as me, right across the parking lot.
you know they say, "love the person, hate the disease" and that's what i'm trying to do. it's easy to hate the disease, but over the last few days since his death, i've been hearing from friends of his about all the horrible things he was up to while we lived together (mostly cheating and selling drugs). so i'm having a hard time dealing with anger, which i would have had to deal with whether he was still alive or not.
i'm afraid that even had he lived, he was never going to stop drinking and get well. his life had become so out of focus and he was even hanging with people who smoke crack.
but i feel a sense of guilt because we had argued and i think it set off a hard-core binge for him, even though he was going to a treatment program five days a week.
his friends told me he was in a foul mood that night, spouting garbage about his mother (and maybe me too, but they are too nice to tell me) and also taking a swing at one of his friends.
he was just so tortured and in pain. i should not have argued with him.
any resources for dealing with bereavement and loss, even though the person that died was abusive to me? i still loved him...sober, he was truly a kind person. the disease just ruined his life.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
It's so tragic and sad when our loved ones are not
able to find peace and recovery.
Prayers to you and to all those who cared about him.
Please see if the top posts in our
Greif and Loss Forum are beneficial
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/
able to find peace and recovery.
Prayers to you and to all those who cared about him.
Please see if the top posts in our
Greif and Loss Forum are beneficial
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/grief-loss/
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
Originally Posted by shugabooga 
any resources for dealing with bereavement and loss, even though the person that died was abusive to me? i still loved him...sober, he was truly a kind person. the disease just ruined his life.
But for the grace of God, there go I. I'm sorry you lost a loved one to this disease, and pray for peace and comfort to come to you in time.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
*prayers for peace of mind for all involved*
Alcoholism is a fatal disease.
Treatable...but fatal.
I'm very sorry for your loss, and the timing.
But thank you as well, for the reminder.
Alcoholism is a fatal disease.
Treatable...but fatal.
I'm very sorry for your loss, and the timing.
But thank you as well, for the reminder.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 117
light
Originally Posted by shugabooga
but i feel a sense of guilt because we had argued and i think it set off a hard-core binge for him, even though he was going to a treatment program five days a week.
I lost a beloved friend five days after I spoke with him on the phone on his birthday. it's been ten years and now I can deal with it without hurting as bad... You'll know such a day, too, but you'll be hurting in all kind of ways until then... the guilt you feel may be some way to have manageability over what's unmanageable. You can't go face to face with your departed loved one so you're standing in the space he left behind, taking on what's his... But you didn't earn this guilt and you will have a hard time to get free from grief until it's returned back to where it belongs. I held on to the guilt for as long as I could but then my hand eventually gave out... it would have one way or another because it didn't belong to me... I only held on to it because I was afraid that if I let go, I'd lose his connection with me for forever.... but actually, when I did accept his death for what it was, by his own doing, then I understood that he was sad that I had suffered for so long. I believe he's with God now.
take care.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Sorry for your loss, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about at all...a friend of mine went to a grief counselor and she got a great deal of help...as far as i understands it will help with the grieving process of the death, relationship, outstanding harmful feelings to her etc so anyway got her back on track and helped her a lot!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Brighton UK
Posts: 328
My ex girl friend passed away on September 30. We had had arguments and I wasn't answering her drunken phone calls. Grief and guilt, I know all about it. I met her family at the funeral, the first time I had met them since they had stopped communicating with her. She was 44. I had to do the rounds at the pubs she attended telling her friends she had passed away. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but the guilt thing - you have to rationalise it. Your partner, along with mine, drank themselves to death - nothing to do with you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm so sorry for your loss. My ex also died earlier this month...in a crack house.
I agree, you have nothing to feel guilty about. As an RA, when I was using, I would use ANY excuse to use more...angry? use, happy? use, sun shining? use, raining? use...he did what he did because he wanted to. Some times we start arguments just so we have an excuse to use more.
I hope you can let go of the guilt. The grief process takes time, and I'm going through it myself. I bounce around the various stages, but I've been through this enough times to know that I just have to walk through the feelings, reach out for support and that the gut-wrenching feelings, in time, get farther and farther apart.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I agree, you have nothing to feel guilty about. As an RA, when I was using, I would use ANY excuse to use more...angry? use, happy? use, sun shining? use, raining? use...he did what he did because he wanted to. Some times we start arguments just so we have an excuse to use more.
I hope you can let go of the guilt. The grief process takes time, and I'm going through it myself. I bounce around the various stages, but I've been through this enough times to know that I just have to walk through the feelings, reach out for support and that the gut-wrenching feelings, in time, get farther and farther apart.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 222
thank you, so very much for these kind and wise words, spoken from experience and given with love and caring. i needed so very badly to hear from people exactly like you. thank God for the internet and soberrecovery.com.
today is his birthday.
happy birthday, and rest in peace, Bryan.
today is his birthday.
happy birthday, and rest in peace, Bryan.
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