24hrsAday

this used to be the time of year that i would Drink More Than Ever! it was always a dreaded time for me. Now i don't feel that way anymore.. it is getting slowly better little by little.. i think this year i may Actually Enjoy Christmas! i see many others getting caught up in all the BS of expectations and Gift Giving worry and i don't like it.. i'm just Glad it Ain't Me!

Stereosteveo

In a couple days I'm going to travel 700 miles to the inlaws' house, unpack, say Hi, and drop off the lady moreless. Then spend as much time as I can down the road with people of my kind at the AA group I think.

24hrsAday

whatever it takes man..

coffeenut

I agree! There was no bottom to my beer bottle. And the thought of it having a bottom scared the crap out of me.

This is my second sober holiday season. After 30 drunken seasons, I never imagined the peace I would feel.

Sugah

If you're new, or newish to sobriety, maybe you can find some seeds of hope in this.

Then, 2002: My first sober Christmas (three days shy of two months, three weeks out of rehab), I was living alone with my kids in a drafty old house I couldn't afford to heat. Kids were 9 & 12. It was the closest thing to a hard candy Christmas they'd ever had. I got them each a kitten for Christmas -- one male, one female, unrelated, thankfully, because I couldn't afford to get them fixed for a year. Three litters of kittens later...

Between then and now: I took seriously the things I heard in early recovery. Recovery has to be first, else everything we put before it is at risk. I remarried and gained two more children. Over the years, my kids have accompanied me to Christmas Eve meetings, just to be sure the door was open for other sober/sobering drunks who needed a safe place to go. The house has filled every year with recovered/recovering folks, music, food, cheer. No booze. There've been other materially slim holidays, but the love continued to increase. Boozing extended family? Well, we can love them from afar. Some sort of stressor with one or more of the kids? We sit down and work through it and talk about it in relation to the family as a whole. While we take our place not as the Powers that Be but as a part of a unit, slowly, the kids have come to see themselves in the same way.

Now, 2009: Though Christmas morning is five days away, and though I know there can be all sorts of surprises between now and then, in a survey of our four children scattered far and wide, it seems the prevailing sense is that they are all looking forward to coming together in one place. Our oldest (my step-son), now 21, is up in Boston and with this storm blowing through, he calls last night to announce, "If I have to hitchhike, I'll be there." Well, if it means someone here is driving 8 hours north to pick him up and 8 hours back to get him here, that's how it will be. The one in the middle of the boys (also my step-son) has decided with his girlfriend that they each should be home with their families. Might not always be that way, but for this year, we've got him. And my youngest son, the one who was 12 in 2002 (now 19), will also be home Christmas Eve. His girlfriend will be join us Christmas morning. And my baby girl, now 16, is with him today shopping and conspiring. All four of the kids have agreed to humor me one more Christmas and be in bed by midnight so Santa can come.

Oh. The hope. It's what I wrote above. That's all good stuff and nice to hope for. But, so as no one thinks that Currier & Ives have painted my family Christmas, here's what's happened in the last week and a half:

I live away from home during the week, a TA & grad student in a city two hours away. Last week of classes, while I had all sorts of work due and hadn't stepped in a store to shop, my back went out. I spent my time working from home, propped on pillows and shopping online. I managed to limp on back to pick up my students work (which I'm now in the middle of grading today), and, though I do like shopping locally, I managed to find deals and shipping options that have helped me finish everyone on my list except my two middle kids. They'll get finished up tomorrow (I hope!).

A little before that, we noticed water in the basement. We live in the country. We have a septic tank, not "city sewage." We fell back on alcoholic denial for about a week, and then, in investigating, we discovered that our French drains were in trouble. Every time the washer drained, it came up in the basement. *Whew!* No sewage. But...Roto-Rooter had to replace 220ft of pipe. We haven't received the bill for it yet. There goes that LED t.v., though, that I'd planned to give to hubby.

About two days after my back started to feel better, baby girl and I spent two hours decorating the tree. It was an ugly looking thing, but we did our best, and at the end of two hours, we were satisfied. She went to do her homework, I went to do mine, my husband settled into watching hockey....and the five cats (remember those three litters?), who have been restless lately, decided to wage war under it. CRASH!!

So, what's so hopeful about the above? It's all okay. I didn't get wasted because my back hurt (and drop out of school -- did that once before when it got too deep), haven't called all the kids in a drunken state telling them that Santa's not coming because I have to pay for repairs to a house that they don't respect and treat like a motel, damnit!, and I didn't drag an asymmetrical, ugly ass tree out on the porch and head to the liquor store because, by god, if my boys had been around to help, if anyone had been paying attention to those cats they wanted and don't take care of, maybe they'd have a tree and have a Christmas, but since no one appreciates anything, I'll show them and get DRUNK!

Merry Christmas, all. Happy However you celebrate it, may it be sober and full of love.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

24hrsAday

thanks sugah..

barb dwyer

We do heal, don't we?

I just mentioned on another thread that ...
this time last year
I was pretty sure I wasn't going to live to see spring.
I was so sick
I couldn't sit up through a meeting.

THis year -
look at it -
my apt building froze
the landlord isn't going to repair it until spring
so I have to find another place to live
because the toilet upstairs
runs into my bathtub now.

So I gave myself a day, two tops
to have a breakdown over the whole thing.
(I only moved in in September!)
Then ...

I made myself remember that any of us rich or poor
only have today.
I made myself go to a few meetings
made myself read the BB every night before sleep
Made myself go back to am Prayer and meditation

and I went and got my hair done.
You'd be amazed what that did for me, mentally.
I know what that sounds like,
but I'd not been able to have it done
for months
well,since I moved in that place, in fact
because the landlord
was always pressuring me for rent.
Or therewould be a car payment
or just SOMEHTHING.
I said ENOUGH.
*I* deserve something as well as all YOU people.

Meanwhile-
I've still got to find a place to live within thirty days
making it FOUR moves inONE year...
But I know
I'll be protected.

God just wants me to be
someplace else now.
My time at that building
is through
My time with a flake for a landlord
is finally over.

I'm not the boss of this life any more.
This aint my show.
I have a new employer.

And I committed to this new 'job'.

So ... onward we go, huh CarolD?

CarolD

Yes...........Forward we go...side by side

This year...the only stress I have is that Army Grandson Sean
is doing his 2nd tour in Afghanistan.
Please keep our military women and men in your prayers.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Lenina

Sugah,

Thanks for sharing! It helped me today!

barb,

One good thing, after all those moves I bet you have the packing thing down to an art form and have "down-sized" for each move, right?

Carol,

Keeping all our service men and women in my thoughts, your Sean in particular!

Side by side, shoulder to shoulder, forward we go!

Love,

Lenina