2much

Hi,

Ive been a member here for a while now.

I have given up drinking a few times but im now drinking again and each time i fall of the wagon it gets worse.

I have now been diagnosed with epilepsy. During my last seizure I dislocated my shoulder during the seizure and then fell down. When I fell, the exposed shoulder joint smashed into a bunch of pieces which required surgery and meant I had to take 2 months off work.

I did not disclose my alcohol consumption to the doctors, even thought they asked. I didnt want to concern my family, compromise my job, or lose my son.

I stopped drinking for that 2 months but started drinking shortly after I was back at work.

My job is very intense and requires me to be very focused and productive. And even with my nastier hangovers, I still manage to preform very well. I am still being promoted above people that have worked there for years.

I am becoming increasing worried with my symptoms. But aparantly not worried enough to stop. Which is madness, I know. My 'epilepsy' - I know is alcohol induced. I have increasing memory problems. And I have started vomiting blood. (not just a little bit - full on, stomachs full of rich red blood)

I dont know who I am anymore and I kinda feel like my fate is pre-decided. I cant picture myself stopping drinking anymore. Do I want to stop? yes and no.

Getting drunk is my safeguard to coping with life. Being drunk and being hungover makes things easy. The effects of that lifestyle - not so easy. Its a big ugly cycle. But I know I'm killing myself and that sucks. I have been drinking 15 standard drinks each day - 6 days a week for a number of years. Recently I manged to get 3 days straight without a drink which was great. But getting drunk that next night was bliss.

I have a lot of friends, but I dont want to impose myself on them, so any help I get I need to be confidential - same goes with family. Part of me is also a little bit surprised that noone has noticed... although I do a pretty good job covering it up.

I went to a dr a few times about this. The first time I quit was for 6months. I was participating in a research group, taking naltrexone and citalipram to see if taking citalipram would increase recovery when taken with naltrexone. The second time they told me not to stop drinking until I could get into a rehab facility. I didnt want to go to a facility so I lied to them and told them that I had sorted out an alternative with my GP.

So as you can see, I know I need help, but im just to proud to admit defeat. I have too much to lose. I would happily accept my fate/consequences and just go ahead and get sick and die accordingly. But I know that would suck for my family and friends.

I know what I need to do. I just cant see myself doing it. There is no logic in it at all. Perhaps I am a lost cause.

Dee74

Hi 2much

I've been where you are.

The fact is, if you really can't see yourself doing anything, your deep dark secret will ultimately be exposed anyway.

This is a progressive condition. There's no escaping that.

I spent years drinking in secret - I was a master at it. Then, incrementally, I lost more and more control.

I not only lost my career and my health, I lost my friends, my family and my self respect.
I went from two successful careers to the town drunk.

And I didn't care a damn.

It's the way alcoholism works.

So, if you really are resigned to run the course to the end, be prepared to lose everything - long, long before you finally die.

I don't do melodrama - I was drinking all day everyday - had I not stopped back in 07 I don't think I'd be here now.

Lots of people do die from this, everyday - but I'm not sure you really want to or you wouldn't be back here posting.

On the one hand you don't want to lose your son, but then you're more than a little resigned to dying - leaving him behind...that's the twisted logic of this disease...every drink skews your perception a little more, and subtly wears away at your self esteem.

Alcoholism is not a moral weakness and its not a character flaw - it's an addiction
That may not help much with dealing with the social stigma you're worried about - but think about whats really most important here 2much - is it your pride, or your life...and all those who love you?

There's a life waiting for you - if you want it

D

laurie6781

I can only echo what Dee has said.

In '76 I had a great career, holding down a job that few women at that time had ever had and making a great salary to boot. I too thought I hid my drinking well. However, as it progressed (fairly quickly by then as I had been drinking since age 12 and alcoholically since 16) things started to change. Pretty soon everyone knew. In January of '79 my family 'shut the door on me' and went No Contact. By June of '81 I had been living on the streets for 1 and 1/2 years and had lost everything.

When reality finally hit me, I knew I was dying as it felt like the booze was coming out of every pore of my body as quickly as I put it in. I knew I wanted to die sober. I put the plug in the jug. The next morning I was in the ER and they spent the whole day trying to stop my seizures and keep my heart going. Finally after the last bout, the ER doc was putting the TOD on my chart when my heart started on it's own.

Yes, I died to finally find recovery.

You DON'T have to take this as far as I did. You know something is wrong or you wouldn't be here. You can stop now and save yourself some of the 'grief, sorrow, shame, regrets' that are headed your way.

I know that once I found recovery, I also found out that I had not been as 'secretative' as I thought, that many had watched my down hill slide, they just didn't know how to help me.

There is much out there that can help you to quit, be it AA, SMART, LIFE RING, REBT, IOP (Intensive Out Patient Therapy) Treatment Centers, therapist and counselig, etc. BUT, you are the one that will have to do THE WORK on YOU.

Removing the alcohol is just the start. Once the alcohol was gone I didn't know how to deal with life. My friend who kept me numb was no longer there. Now I had to start 'feeling' my emotions (both the good and bad) and I didn't know how.

One of the things, that I look back now and realize, is that I liked AA. I liked have someone I could go to (sponsor), that seemed to have the answers on how to deal with all my crazy thoughts and feelings.

Please look into treatment of some sort so you do not have to go through what I did. You can stop this at any time, if you truly want to.

Alcoholism is progressive. It always gets worse never better.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as we do care very much.

findingout

Hey 2much,

You are not alone. I could have written your post seven years ago. Sure, there would have been minor changes in the physical details, but you did an amazing job of describing the insanity of alcohol addiction that was going on in my head back then.

At the end of 25 years, I was drinking every day. Most days I started in the morning before work so I could actually get to work. Getting to work was important because, besides needing the money, it was one of things I believed separated me from "real" alcoholics. I did stop for three days during that last year. I felt better but on the fourth day I decided to have just one glass of wine to celebrate. That one glass turned into three bottles. I never stopped again until four months later when I was given a choice between unemployment or treatment. Apparently, coming into work hungover or partially drunk every single day was not enough to convince my employers that I wasn't a "real" alcoholic.

Too proud to ask for help? Check. Not wanting to impose on friends and family? See "too proud to ask for help" but Check. Lying to the very people who were there to help me? Check. Knowing it was going to kill me? Check. Having too much to lose but giving more of it away every day? Check.

All of those thoughts and actions were the direct result of my addiction to alcohol. I have come to see that everything I did and thought that last year (and for much of the 25 years I drank) was designed to either protect or enable my alcoholism. Major life decisions as well as minor day to day things. All of it done because alcohol was the most important thing in my life. It was impossible to imagine a life without alcohol. Impossible because I had not had one since I was 15 years old.

There are many times many times many people who have felt exactly like you and found a life in recovery. I'm just one of them. My sister, on the other hand, is not. About the same time I started treatment, she went into the hospital for alcohol related issues. They told her if she did not stop drinking, it would kill her. Four years later it did. It wasn't a quick death or a pretty death.

The choice really is "Recover or Die." I found help and more in the AA and NA programs. I understand that these programs are not for everyone. I believed that they were not for me. I was sure they were something I could not do. I was wrong. But that's me. There are other ways and I am positive they work for people who do them completely.

There is no good reason to try to recover all by yourself. I once thought differently. I thought my recovery would somehow be worth more if I did it all by myself. Today, I see that there was no way I could have achieved anything close to long term recovery all by myself.

There is at least one good reason not to try to recover all by yourself. It leaves the door wide open to relapse. Even in recovery, my alcoholism is still there, still trying to find a way to get me to have "just one glass of wine". I am not strong enough all by myself to tell that voice to just shut up. If I could have stopped drinking (or even controlled it) all by myself, I would have done it long before it got as bad as it did that last year. Thank God I got over the idea that needing help was a weakness.

I hope you find a way to get into recovery and stay there. It truly is a better way to spend the time we have on this planet. I had to get there to find that out.

least

No one is a 'lost cause' unless they want to be lost. I recently relapsed after several months of being sober. I was 'lost' for a few days but I dragged myself out of the bottle and came back to life. I'm determined to make it this time.

You CAN stop drinking and have a decent life, but you have to want a better life and work toward it. I pray you stop drinking before something really awful happens.

c49

I can identify with all of the above posts. Nothing to add besides my own gratitude of being sober today

NewMe11109

Hi 2Much -

I understand the insanity of alcoholism because I am just like you. I had to make a choice - whether I wanted to live (and therefore keep my family, kids, house, job, etc.) or allow alcohol to kill me.

From your post, I also see you resigned to die.

You will need to decide whether you are finally ready to admit that you are powerless over alcohol and that you cannot do it alone.

We are here for you when you are ready.

CarolD

Prayers coming your way for clarity and healing.

penny74

I would seem that you go on like this and die, or do something about it.
Your choice.
Wish you wisedom.

joedris

What was it that I just read from Jim in another thread? "You can't save your face and your ass at the same time" You, my friend are going to die, and probably very soon, if you don't stop with this foolishness. Did I read you correctly in saying that you have too much to lose by admitting defeat? Well. You're going to lose everything if you don't. You're no longer going to have a life to safeguard by coping. And how are you imposing on your friends and family by getting treatment for alcoholism? It's not like you're asking them to let you use their spare bedroom or something. You can continue to drink and you're going to die shortly or you can get treatment. It's your call.

barb dwyer

Jobs don't make us drink, hon.

Situations, stress, people, trauma, traffic doesn't and can't make us drink.

Alcoholism ... makes us drink.

We drink because we're alcoholics.
You said it yourself -
every time you drink it gets worse.

I can promise you
it will continue to get worse.
Things will not improve unless you stop.

You also said
you have not been able to stop on your own.
You're being given an opportunity
to stop-truly stop - a behavior
that will eventually kill.
That's not a drama queen statement
it's a simple truth.

Now, imposing on your family
would be late night telephone calls
that you can't remember the next day.
Imposing on your family
would be drinking yourself out of a job
and having to move into the attic
because you are too sick to work.
Imposing on your family
is forcing them
to comedown to the hospital
in the middle of the day OR night
because you've had an accident
or suddenly developed
on of the myriad chronic conditions
we alcoholics get
by destroying our bodies with poison.

I can also promise you
that
if you ask for help
you'll receive it.

And I can pretty much vouch
that your family would rather
support you during recovery
than the alternative.