fragrantrose

Well, I have come out of the closet having been reading here every day but have had a hard time really accepting that I am an alcoholic because on a few occasions I have been able to tightly control drinking but only to find myself suddenly overdrinking again with all my awareness gone.
Went to a friend"s pool party on Saturday and told myself I would do a experiment again, with controlling it but this disease be so cunning it was only excuse to drink again. Ended up having 2 bottles of vino which is lot for me as I am a cheap drunk and it now effects me very quickly.
Now it is day 2 AGAIN! I have had gastric symptoms +++ shaky, anxiety,depression, OCD now bouts of sweating and feel cant go out of the house as too ill . Told work that wanted extra shifts as going to Paris for xmas with daughter but too sick to do any, feel such a hypocrite and they probarly think I am unreliable because all the sick days I have had off this year which have been because of hangeovers. I am so ashamed, I am so stupid.
What I have learnt trying and FAILING to stay sober is that to stay sober this alcoholic of sorts cannot-
go anywhere where alcohol is been served as have NO defence
cannot mix with drinkers
need to minimise all stress in my life otherwise will use it as excuse to drink!
I really should be locked away at the moment to stay off it but have booked and paid for nearly all packed to go OS.
Has anyone gone to AA meeting in Paris or Rome I am TERRIFIED of drinking on plane.
Am also terified of not being able to work and being unable to support self and daughter
Sorry about this monotonous, self centred essay but am so sick of myself will go back to AA and look out for female sponser.
Thankyou for reading anyone who got this far!
grateful regards
Julia

barb dwyer

Dunno bout france, but there's quite a few BRITANS on SR...

hopefully someone will come along who knows?

Count it as knowledge gained, hon.
Learning from it
is the only way we can reverse a mistake.

Dee74

Hi Julia

I think nothing changes if nothing changes - you already know you can't drink - the sooner you accept that and stop trying the sooner you'll find a much better life, I think.

I know it's hard to accept but it's Step One for a reason

Does your daughter know the extent of your drinking? It's up to you, but if it were me I'd want her to know before the trip.

I hope you find a good sponsor. Start looking right away, Julia

good luck.
D

CarolD

Glad you are making plans for a better sober future...

Yes there are AA meetings in Rome and Paris
For specific info.....

Alcoholics Anonymous : How to Find A.A. Meetings

Blessings to you and your daughter...

McGowdog

Yeah. Spent two weeks back in about February of 98 in Lyon, French Alps, Geneva, and Paris and while in Paris, went to an A.A. meeting. It was English speaking too.

hendershot

Someone told me early on that the losing control thing just means that we lose predictability. An alcoholic may be able to drink under control on some occasions, but other times completely lose control. The point is that there is no way of accurately predicting before we start drinking which it will be, if we will be able to stop when we plan to or if we keep going. So don't let the fact you can do some controlled drinking fool you, because if you are an alcoholic you can't very well control when you will have control and when you won't.

Nevertheless

Hello Julia
Stop beating yourself up over this. Whats done is done. But just remember the feeling you are having the next time you want to drink.
Alcohol has made us all feel embarrassed or ashamed. Thats why I always hid my empties so nobody could see how much I drank. Or didn't answer the phone in the evening. Or drive in the evening. Or avoided people in the morning because of hangovers. The list goes on and on.
Glad you are back and didn't give up. Stick with it.
Fred

TheSunAlsoRises

Sounds rough. Fred is right, you gotta take what you can from this and move forward. The thing you probably can't imagine is that if you fix that spiritual malady that makes you drink you won't have any fear of being around people who do drink. Not that you will want to spend much of your time with those deadbeats lol... I am an AAer... if you are willing just get into it and take THE STEPS... your life will change so much it will blow you away... if that's not your deal find another program and work it... we are all rooting for you...

Best wishes,

Clayton

Magumba

Hi Fragrantrose
If you google 'aaparis' you will find a link to the AA intergroup Paris,the english language website has meeting lists and locations and also a Parisian phone number with english language information.
Thoughts and wishes

mag

keithj

I can relate, Julia. When I was drinking, I clung to thouse handful of times when I could have a couple of drinks and fight off the need to not have more. See, I can control it. But I completely disregarded the hundreds of times when I'd set out to have a couple and 'changed my mind' after the first one or just end up passed out somewhere with no good explanation.

That's half of the powerlessness game. The whole other half is that I couldn't decide to not drink. I mean, I could decide all I wanted, but there was always a day when my sound reasoning got easily pushed aside. I knew I couldn't safely drink, but there I'd be drinking. That's what powerlessness means to me. Lack of power to stay away is my dillemma. I had to have a power greater than myself, and that's exactly what AA's book is about. 'It's main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself that will solve your problem.'

Now that my problem has been solved, I don't worry at all about doing all the things you listed that you fear doing. I'm a free man, as long as follow a few simple rules, as the result of taking the 12 steps.

fragrantrose

thankyou for your kindness everyone! I am still too sick to take myself to meeting but reading BB and pondering the concept of powerlessness.
Yes, I am powerless as I cannot stop despite all my resolutions and prayers as to get out of this mire I have to WORK the program not just pray, do nothing and hope for God to work a miracle.
Is it right that the program will work if I WORK it, not just passively wait for divine intervention because I call myself a christian?

tsmba

I would never discount the potential for a miracle, but many folks die while awaiting something to happen. We cannot expend maximum effort every single day, but we must get up and put some effort into recovery. Slips can be heart-wrenching (I'm an expert on slips as I have a LOT of experience) but they can also be turned into something positive. Keep coming back!

keithj

Julia, I've been around for a while, actively engaged in working with newcomers. I have never seen someone who thoroughly worked the steps not have a spiritual awakening as the result. It really does work if you work it.

I have also seen hundreds of people in AA not work the steps, or not work them very thoroughly, or stop working them, or some such variation. They are no longer around. Maybe they are all just doing fine, but so many of them show up again a few months or a couple of years later, looking more beat up and desperate than ever, that I suspect most have had a rough go on their own.

It's always kind of amazed me how many people who have a much stronger religious faith than I do fail to stay sober. I came into AA as a staunch atheist and had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. Today, I have absolute certainty that there is a higher power guiding my life, as long as I'm willing to follow a few simple rules. I'm pretty close to a couple of guys that are devout, born again Christians who can't seem to stay sober for any real length of time One guy has been struggling for 20 years or so.

The one thing he's never done is take the 12 Steps as they are outlined in the BB. He's in the middle of that now, and he's staying sober. Belief in a higher power is necessary, but it's not sufficient. Faith, coupled with a simple program of action, is the key.

Just this morning, in a meditation book I don't even like all that much, this idea was the topic. As long as I am reliant on my own abilities and efforts, I can never be truly reliant on this higher power. I can believe in that power all I want, but I can't tap into that power while I'm running on self will, while I'm dependant on myself.

The 12 Steps are what removes from me the things that are blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit. They are the necessary actions to let me access that power, becaue they remove the self will from me so that I can be reliant on the power.

CStyle

Now is the perfect time to go to a meeting.

Faith without works is dead


If you want to hit bottom, put down the shovel. I truly hope you find your way to a meeting sooner than later. As hard as it is, reach out and ask for help. There will be hands to receive you.

Lionne

Hello fragrantrose,
don't beat yourself up so heavily, after all, you managed to stop, and you are sharing your experience and feelings about it instead of going into hiding and continuing to drink. Don't give up, and if you are planning on going to some meetings while you are travelling, here are two links of english-speaking meetings in Paris:

aaparis.org: Meetings and Venues

12-Step Meetings In Paris

and here are some for Rome:

Alcoholics Anonymous - English Speaking Meetings - Rome, Italy

Hugs and I wish you strenght, S.

NewMe11109

FR - don't beat yourself up. It happens to all of us.

Focus on your thinking before you drank. (You wrote much of it in your post.) Now, develop techniques to identify that type of thinking (e.g. ne self-aware that you are thinking "that drinking is ok for me") and then develop ways to change your thinking (or phrases to counteract the negative thinking).

Then, for the longer term, focus on understanding what your problems are for which alcohol is your solution. For you to recover, you need to develop the life coping tools to deal with your underlying problems (fear, stress, anxiery, etc.)

You can do it!

CarolD

Magumba...

tsmba...

Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum

yor5150

Hello Julia. While reading your post I remembered one of the many times I tried to quit drinking on my own. I was in my regular hang out drinking a soda & having a conversation with the bartender and proprietor. He told me he didn't think I had a problem. I figured who should know better than a bartender? I told him to get me a beer!

After a good run I could stop drinking. I just couldn't stay stopped.

I thank my Higher Power that a few years later I finally surrendered to the fact that I was an addict (substitute alcoholic if you like). It was only then and after getting a sponsor and working the steps, that the compulsion to use was lifted.

I hope you're able to get to a meeting soon.

least

I too have slipped a couple days ago and now am back on the wagon, more determined to make it right this time. I've started a Class of December 09 for those of us starting our recovery (again) this month. Please join us, we are stronger together.

(((hugs)))

Weeza

Julia, I've been to meetings in Paris and Rome. They're both great places to experience AA in recovery.

My sponsor tells me to that I should think about what gifts are being given to me that I may reject from God, and were I given a chance to experience an AA meeting in Paris or Rome again, that would be a miracle for me.

I realize you are feeling badly today, but perhaps this opportunity to experience recovery in Europe is one of those promises you might miss if you don't go... It could also be helpful for your work to show up if this is a business related travel commitment...

Paris has an awesome AA english-speaking group at an American church along the Seine (near where Princess Diana died in the tunnel across the street). By chance, when I had three years sobriety, I had to travel to Paris alone and was among friends who were drinking, but I kept my commitment to remain with them for lunch then high-tailed it to the American church where there was a meeting in progress. Same thing happened again for me in Rome.

French and Italians really love wine. Even children are served wine with meals and no one thinks about it... That's what you're up against-- the European mentality seems to view drinking wine as being normal and natural, like a safe and nourishing food.... It's a challenge to remain sober in that kind of environment, and I did live four years in France, keeping close to meetings and staying sober, but perhaps Paris and Rome could be an opportunity to make amends with slipping? By remaining sober while you work abroad, it may even help your job see that you remain dedicated as a worker who shows up for an assignment.

As for not drinking on the plane. This is what's worked for me... Before boarding the plane, I go to the check in desk where there is a steward or stewardess that will be flying on the same flight. I tell them, "I'm a nervous flier and have a problem with drinking. I really want to take this flight but am scared about drinking, so if you could mention to all your associates that when the alcohol cart passes by my seat to offer me only soda or juice." I've had to do that a number of times in early recovery, but it worked for me each time.

Take care.