Withdrawal and fear
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5
Withdrawal and fear
Preface: sorry if this is in the wrong forum, format, too long, or breaks any rules I didn't see.
Background:
I'm a 22 year old male in reasonably good physical condition (used to be an athlete). I'm currently finishing up college. I think I had my first drink when I was 13 or 14 with some friends messing around in a basement. Since then, drank heavily, as some teens tend to do, but only at parties, and those were infrequent. Upon entering college, the trend continued exactly the same way; binge drinking, but only in spurts on weekends. Then, I turned 21 and things began to go downhill, albeit slowly at first. More access means more booze of course, and I took advantage. Slowly, I transitioned from drinking as I had with others, to drinking a lot (still just on weekends,) regardless of parties (which I actually hate.) Then, it got worse.
For around 6 (perhaps a couple more) months, I have been drinking almost every night. I don't drink during the day, I don't drive drunk and I don't disrupt anyone but myself. I drink alone, and hid it (extremely successfully) from everyone around me. I am what I think they call a boredom drinker; I drink because it makes the things I do more entertaining. I have nothing overly stressful to deal with, I have a perfectly happy social life, caring family, and wonderful girlfriend (soon to be fiance.) I'm considering very intelligent (until I kill the rest of these brain cells) and I've always known this was not an intelligent thing to do, and it would lead down the wrong path past. Now, I've finally gotten around to actually quitting, but it's hard, as I'm sure you all know.
Now I'm going to say something which will probably be controversial. In my opinion, I am, but I am not, an "alcoholic." The amount of alcohol I drink and the physical dependency it has created are definitely alcoholic. But I've never felt any real mental craving to drink. I'm perfectly capable of drinking responsibly at dinner, etc and have gone many days without a drop, or just a single drink. However, I go back to drinking too much the next day or in two days, or whenever I'm bored again, which is generally at night. My entire life I've stayed up til 4am or later regularly. Some sort of insomnia perhaps, but that's another issue. Now though, I cannot stand the thought of continuing to drink this way. It's stupid, irresponsible, and eventually going to destroy myself and my life. So I'm making the conscious effort to quit.
Where I Am:
So here I am, quitting. No one knows about my problem, and I'm not telling anyone who isn't a stranger. My reasons for this are essentially threefold. One, I've always hated asking for help, and feeling weak (ironic, considering this physically dependency makes me pretty damn weak.) Two, I would be ashamed to tell my family, especially because then they will always think of me with that as part of who I am, though I'm not saying they'll always be judging. and Three, I'm terrified of losing my girlfriend. This is a 3+ year relationship; we're shopping for rings. She means everything to me. I know she'll love me regardless, but she'll be so worried and she'll be so disappointed in me. You know how it would make you feel so much worse when a parent doesn't yell at you, but instead, they softly express their disappointment, and you can see the sadness in their eyes? Yea, thats the way it would be.
The Process/Status:
Cold turkey.
Day 1: constant nausea, vomiting, light headed, and perceived tachycardia all day. Had trouble hiding symptoms. Eventually broke down and drank to alleviate symptoms.
Day 2: constant nausea, vomiting, light headed, and perceived tachycardia all day. Near the end of the day, used anti-nausea medication to alleviate that symptom and get some food in. Serious problems sleeping because of insomnia, cold sweats, and weird feelings when closing my eyes (maybe heart related? but pulse is normal.)
Day 3: nausea and vomiting controlled all day by medication. Felt much better in that regard, but still slightly nauseated though. Ate more, felt better. Went to dinner and had a couple glasses of wine to keep up appearances. Felt worse after the wine, but not too bad. Same problems sleeping.
Day 4 (today[or more rather, yesterday]): still using the nausea meds, but not as much. Felt bad, but not terrible for most of the day. Managed to eat large meals later in the day. Feeling pretty good after that. At night though, same problems.
So that's where I am now, up at 4am. I get dizzy, cold sweats, and have terrible anxiety. Once again, I feel like some of this might be heart related, but my pulse is normal. I'm geographically not with the girlfriend at the moment, but all I want is to have her tell me its all right. Of course, I cant hint something is wrong. I'm afraid of losing her, or having her lose me what that would do. I just want to feel better and do the right thing here. I don't really expect anything from people here, it just feels better to tell someone whats going on.
Thanks sincerely for anyone listening, I hope you're all doing well.
Background:
I'm a 22 year old male in reasonably good physical condition (used to be an athlete). I'm currently finishing up college. I think I had my first drink when I was 13 or 14 with some friends messing around in a basement. Since then, drank heavily, as some teens tend to do, but only at parties, and those were infrequent. Upon entering college, the trend continued exactly the same way; binge drinking, but only in spurts on weekends. Then, I turned 21 and things began to go downhill, albeit slowly at first. More access means more booze of course, and I took advantage. Slowly, I transitioned from drinking as I had with others, to drinking a lot (still just on weekends,) regardless of parties (which I actually hate.) Then, it got worse.
For around 6 (perhaps a couple more) months, I have been drinking almost every night. I don't drink during the day, I don't drive drunk and I don't disrupt anyone but myself. I drink alone, and hid it (extremely successfully) from everyone around me. I am what I think they call a boredom drinker; I drink because it makes the things I do more entertaining. I have nothing overly stressful to deal with, I have a perfectly happy social life, caring family, and wonderful girlfriend (soon to be fiance.) I'm considering very intelligent (until I kill the rest of these brain cells) and I've always known this was not an intelligent thing to do, and it would lead down the wrong path past. Now, I've finally gotten around to actually quitting, but it's hard, as I'm sure you all know.
Now I'm going to say something which will probably be controversial. In my opinion, I am, but I am not, an "alcoholic." The amount of alcohol I drink and the physical dependency it has created are definitely alcoholic. But I've never felt any real mental craving to drink. I'm perfectly capable of drinking responsibly at dinner, etc and have gone many days without a drop, or just a single drink. However, I go back to drinking too much the next day or in two days, or whenever I'm bored again, which is generally at night. My entire life I've stayed up til 4am or later regularly. Some sort of insomnia perhaps, but that's another issue. Now though, I cannot stand the thought of continuing to drink this way. It's stupid, irresponsible, and eventually going to destroy myself and my life. So I'm making the conscious effort to quit.
Where I Am:
So here I am, quitting. No one knows about my problem, and I'm not telling anyone who isn't a stranger. My reasons for this are essentially threefold. One, I've always hated asking for help, and feeling weak (ironic, considering this physically dependency makes me pretty damn weak.) Two, I would be ashamed to tell my family, especially because then they will always think of me with that as part of who I am, though I'm not saying they'll always be judging. and Three, I'm terrified of losing my girlfriend. This is a 3+ year relationship; we're shopping for rings. She means everything to me. I know she'll love me regardless, but she'll be so worried and she'll be so disappointed in me. You know how it would make you feel so much worse when a parent doesn't yell at you, but instead, they softly express their disappointment, and you can see the sadness in their eyes? Yea, thats the way it would be.
The Process/Status:
Cold turkey.
Day 1: constant nausea, vomiting, light headed, and perceived tachycardia all day. Had trouble hiding symptoms. Eventually broke down and drank to alleviate symptoms.
Day 2: constant nausea, vomiting, light headed, and perceived tachycardia all day. Near the end of the day, used anti-nausea medication to alleviate that symptom and get some food in. Serious problems sleeping because of insomnia, cold sweats, and weird feelings when closing my eyes (maybe heart related? but pulse is normal.)
Day 3: nausea and vomiting controlled all day by medication. Felt much better in that regard, but still slightly nauseated though. Ate more, felt better. Went to dinner and had a couple glasses of wine to keep up appearances. Felt worse after the wine, but not too bad. Same problems sleeping.
Day 4 (today[or more rather, yesterday]): still using the nausea meds, but not as much. Felt bad, but not terrible for most of the day. Managed to eat large meals later in the day. Feeling pretty good after that. At night though, same problems.
So that's where I am now, up at 4am. I get dizzy, cold sweats, and have terrible anxiety. Once again, I feel like some of this might be heart related, but my pulse is normal. I'm geographically not with the girlfriend at the moment, but all I want is to have her tell me its all right. Of course, I cant hint something is wrong. I'm afraid of losing her, or having her lose me what that would do. I just want to feel better and do the right thing here. I don't really expect anything from people here, it just feels better to tell someone whats going on.
Thanks sincerely for anyone listening, I hope you're all doing well.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Welcome to SR, Fear.
You're in the right place. You didn't break any rules I know about. You're okay...
I'm not the type to worry about semantics, but it seems like your end goal is to quit drinking... which is in line with mine.
I was a boredom drinker too... and any free time I had that wasn't occupied with something that involved other people qualified as "boredom."
It is rough quitting, but after the first few days, it does get easier...
You might want to check in with a doctor though, this can be a dangerous process, especially given the symptoms you describe.
Take care, good luck, and stay around some,
TB, doing well, thank you
You're in the right place. You didn't break any rules I know about. You're okay...
I'm not the type to worry about semantics, but it seems like your end goal is to quit drinking... which is in line with mine.
I was a boredom drinker too... and any free time I had that wasn't occupied with something that involved other people qualified as "boredom."
It is rough quitting, but after the first few days, it does get easier...
You might want to check in with a doctor though, this can be a dangerous process, especially given the symptoms you describe.
Take care, good luck, and stay around some,
TB, doing well, thank you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Those are classic alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Also alcohol withdrawal can be fatal, and the tachycardia you mentioned sometimes becomes complete cardiac arrest. If this continues please go see a Dr. ASAP.
Good luck and keep posting.
Good luck and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Methuen, MA
Posts: 99
Sounds like you're nearly over the worst. Remember it as a tool to prevent you from going back. And, consider yourself lucky (and smart). You have a great head on your shoulders and have a wonderful life ahead of you. Don't blow it!
And, after you put this all behind you, I would like nothing better than to not ever see you on here asking again for help! You can do it, and stay doing it. Taking it from a 54 year old who waited and wasted 30+ years to do what you are trying to do...
And, after you put this all behind you, I would like nothing better than to not ever see you on here asking again for help! You can do it, and stay doing it. Taking it from a 54 year old who waited and wasted 30+ years to do what you are trying to do...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 86
Welcome, fear.
Just to add a few thoughts on to the previous comments, based on my own experience:
a) The early days of not drinking can be tough. Telling a doctor what's going on would be a good idea. Also a good idea is just respecting that this will be a tough time, but one that will pass.
b) I had a lot of issues with shame, and admitting I had a problem. One thing I found helpful was attending AA meetings. For me it is a safe haven where I can talk about issues without fear of being cast out, and everyone there is trying to help each other.
c) With respect to treatment by friends and family, what I found that surprised me was that I got a fair amount of respect once they realized I was doing something about my problem. You should be a stronger person if you have a problem and have addressed it, relative to not having a problem at all.
Good luck.
Just to add a few thoughts on to the previous comments, based on my own experience:
a) The early days of not drinking can be tough. Telling a doctor what's going on would be a good idea. Also a good idea is just respecting that this will be a tough time, but one that will pass.
b) I had a lot of issues with shame, and admitting I had a problem. One thing I found helpful was attending AA meetings. For me it is a safe haven where I can talk about issues without fear of being cast out, and everyone there is trying to help each other.
c) With respect to treatment by friends and family, what I found that surprised me was that I got a fair amount of respect once they realized I was doing something about my problem. You should be a stronger person if you have a problem and have addressed it, relative to not having a problem at all.
Good luck.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
You may not have noticed this link about de toxing
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Glad to know you are seeking a better future...sobriety rocks!
Welcome to SR and to our Alcoholism Forum
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Glad to know you are seeking a better future...sobriety rocks!
Welcome to SR and to our Alcoholism Forum
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: maitland Florida
Posts: 26
i was almost in the exact same place as you im 22 myself quit when i was 21 and nobody knew i had a problem not even my ex girlfriend who watched me take tequila shots everday at 9am and hug the toilet a couple times a week. i would keep a full bottle on top of my fridge drink a little out of it meanwhile pound the bottle in my fridge so it look like a drank very little i had it all figd out lol. i remember when i first got sober i was soo afraid to tell anyone i didnt wanna tell them then fail and look like an idiot. finally after 7 days sober i was at a meeting and just broke down crying i had no support because nobody knew a man in my group came up and talked to me and finally convinced me my parents wouldnt be disapointed in me and woould want to help so i went home in tears and told them. I couldnt have asked for more support the got rid of alcohol in the house and stopped drinking around me even offered to quit with me. I still have that fear of letting others down which isnt great but it does help me stay sober now that all my friends, family, and girlfriend know i have a problem they all look out for me and i dont wanna let any of them down.
Your doing a great thing and its not easy at all but it is very simple DONT PICK UP A DRINK. take a few minutes and write a list of bad things that happened because you drank then a list of good things that happened soley because you were drunk not while you were drunk (hope that makes since) my bad list was really long my good had nothing. everytime i feel like drinking i look back at that list and lose my desire if not i go to a meeting or call another alcoholic.
hope this helps
patrick
Your doing a great thing and its not easy at all but it is very simple DONT PICK UP A DRINK. take a few minutes and write a list of bad things that happened because you drank then a list of good things that happened soley because you were drunk not while you were drunk (hope that makes since) my bad list was really long my good had nothing. everytime i feel like drinking i look back at that list and lose my desire if not i go to a meeting or call another alcoholic.
hope this helps
patrick
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Patrick,
This is the exact kind of BS that passes for AA in a lot of meetings. It has nothing to do with AA, and it almost always fails for a real alcoholic over any significant time period.
You mentioned in another thread that you are hitting some bumps at 7 months without a drink. This is textbook, my friend. With a solution like you have outlined, a real alcoholic as described in the Big Book will almost assuredly return to drinking. I see examples of this by the hundreds, every year.
The solution is there in that book, Patrick. I suggest you find someone that knows about it and get busy.
This is the exact kind of BS that passes for AA in a lot of meetings. It has nothing to do with AA, and it almost always fails for a real alcoholic over any significant time period.
Originally Posted by surferdude9371 
...but it is very simple DONT PICK UP A DRINK. take a few minutes and write a list of bad things that happened because you drank then a list of good things that happened soley because you were drunk...everytime i feel like drinking i look back at that list and lose my desire if not i go to a meeting or call another alcoholic
The solution is there in that book, Patrick. I suggest you find someone that knows about it and get busy.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Sao Paulo Brazil
Posts: 108
Good luck, buddy. I didn't have any withdraw symptons, only temporary anxiety and depression, but I'm can't sleep, I need to take sleeping pills everyday and the toughest part are the endless weekends and boredom. You mentioned that you could hide your alcoholism, I didn't have this "luck", I was the stereotype of an alcoholic, the bloating of my face was visible 1 block away, I avoided people because I was constantly drunk. Everday avoiding the mirror, no hygiene at all, a genuine pathetic miserable person. Needless to say it really destroyed my social life, will have to begin from 0.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
I dont think you broke any rules and i admire you courage to confront your physical dependency to alcohol.
imo alcoholism is something more than dependency.....some may appear alcoholic in many areas.......but given enough reason they detox and life gets better..... alcohol becoming a distant horror story..enough of a horror story to keep you away from the next drink.
for me and i believe im alcoholic the horror story continues or gets worse once alcohol is removed...
thankyou for posting.
but i would like to point out to newcomers/guests.....that are still drinking
it is extremely dangerous to detox from alcohol without consulting a doctor.
complications can and do become life threatening.
imo alcoholism is something more than dependency.....some may appear alcoholic in many areas.......but given enough reason they detox and life gets better..... alcohol becoming a distant horror story..enough of a horror story to keep you away from the next drink.
for me and i believe im alcoholic the horror story continues or gets worse once alcohol is removed...
thankyou for posting.
but i would like to point out to newcomers/guests.....that are still drinking
it is extremely dangerous to detox from alcohol without consulting a doctor.
complications can and do become life threatening.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5
Update:
Day 5: got about 3 hours of terrible sleep. kind of nauseated in the morning, but it passed with food. felt "off" all day but not bad. girlfriend is back
which is great
Day 6 (today): got about 8 hours of pretty good sleep! still feel a little funny, but mostly good. love waking up without a hangover or withdrawal symptoms. that alone is a wonderful motivation to dump this dependency for good.
Thanks again to everyone.
Day 5: got about 3 hours of terrible sleep. kind of nauseated in the morning, but it passed with food. felt "off" all day but not bad. girlfriend is back
which is greatDay 6 (today): got about 8 hours of pretty good sleep! still feel a little funny, but mostly good. love waking up without a hangover or withdrawal symptoms. that alone is a wonderful motivation to dump this dependency for good.
Thanks again to everyone.
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