HereComesTheSun

Hello all,

This is one of my first few posts here- Just wanna say I'm looking forward to getting to know everyone and being able to offer my support to each of you also! & I know this post might get lengthy but I really thank you ahead of time for any and all feedback. I really need it right now.

So, to start it off, I KNOW I suffer from alcoholism, even though I am only 22 years old. I started drinking late compared to a lot of my friends, not til I was 19, but over the past 3-4 years alcoholism has kind of crept up on me (after talking with my parents, I inherited their drinking habits for sure- thanks mom and dad.. haha jk..). Anyway, I always found a way to justify it.. - "Oh, I'm young, I'm in college." ... "Oh, so what if it's 9am, it's the summer." ... "Who cares if I drink during the day on my break at work? I work in a bar, everyone has come to work drunk before."... etc etc etc etc, you catch my drift.

Well, I dated a guy for about 3 years and we split up during the summer. Our 3 year relationship started off innocent, but later for the majority, was based solely on partying hardcore as much as we could. He was my best friend but I ended it because I knew we both had growing up to do. Well, go figure- he grew up, stopped drinking no problem (said it made him sad whenever he drank because he thought of me), took college serious, got a full time well-paying job.. became everything I had wanted him to be- in the meantime.. I regressed into the biggest alcoholic I have ever been.. I hurt him so much he should never talk to me ever again.. but..

Somehow, for some reason, he still loves me enough after this crazy summer he still wants to be with me.. and I want to be with him too, because he IS my best friend and I was miserable without him.. BUT......:


MY PROBLEM: My boyfriend keeps telling me, (when it comes to alcohol) "Oh it's not that hard, just cut back, just cut back." ... "Just have a drink, you don't have to get hammered!"...... and it makes me SO ANGRY!! If only it were that easy, right?!?? If it were that easy, ALCOHOLISM WOULDN'T EXIST!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I can't talk to him about how I crave a drink at 7:00, or the fact that I drink alone now, very often, or the fact that I make sure I have at least pint at home all the time, or I get the shakes/headache if I don't drink for 24 hours. He's my best bud but he just doesn't get "IT", alcoholism!! I can talk to him about anything else but when it comes to this I honestly feel like he thinks I'm FAKING alcoholism for attention or something!! (why would anyone do that?) I don't know how to make him understand and want to help me, because he has been nothing but an enabler even after all the reaching out I've attempted.

I really don't think he and I will be able to have a successful relationship if he doesn't understand alcoholism and doesn't want to completely quit with me. I really feel like he thinks I'm making it all up and it makes me so sad... is it time to call it quits with him? At least for now until I get better??

any advice is welcome, sorry it's so long!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It makes me sad

Dee74

Hi again HereComesTheSun

Some people - God love 'em - just don't get it, and some never will. I hope your BF is different.

But thats why we have things like SR, and AA, and LifeRing and SMART and all the other recovery based organisations and boards - we DO get it, even when the ones closest to us sometimes can't

So did your BF quit drinking or just cut back? I didn't quite get that.
D

yeahgr8

I was told, and believe, that when you get sober and sane you will be able to explain alcoholism to some extent to a loved one, although you can't possibly expect them to understand the feelings, emotions etc as they have not been there. This is one of the reasons i go to AA...nothing beats sitting in a room full of people who absolutely know and understand what you are talking about!

Maybe go and hit a meeting, check it out?

CarolD

I just read your other post in Newcomers from last week.
Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum...

I hope your de tox went smoothly

How is the job market looking in your area?
I too quit working/hanging out in bars
Worked out quite well.
I found an office job to protect my early sobriety.

And I ditched my still drinking lover ..also for my well being.
He survived....I thrived ...

I strongly suggest you take awhile to explore what
you need to do for your sober future
My choice of men changed a lot after sobriety

Keep posting with us....many of us are winning over alcohol.

laurie6781

Instead of trying to 'explain' alcoholism to your BF how about just saying something like:

"Look my 'make-up' and genes are different than yours and I cannot have just 1. I choose NOT to drink."

Then change the subject. It need not be an ongoing frustration for you or him. He may never understand 'alcoholism' but he should certainly understand your 'choice' not to drink at all.

Glad to see you here trying sobriety!!!!!

Love and hugs,

TheSunAlsoRises

Hey welcome, as dee said check out some recovery support groups... there are people out there who understand. Although perhaps those close to us don't... Best of luck, I know it is impossible but try not to focus too much on your BF right now... just do what you have to in order to take care of yourself...

Clayton

hps

Over the years, I saw specialist counsellors for alcohol dependence, and they didn't understand what I was going through (neither of the two I saw were recovering alcoholics). That's why it is important for me to go to AA meetings- lots of people there understand me.

I can't advise what to do with your boyfriend, but when I was actively drinking, I knew I wasn't going to have much of a future if I kept drinking, relationships or otherwise. So I needed to sort out my drinking as by far my top priority.

surferdude9371

most easily put it would be like someone with an eating disorder telling you even though they wanna stop eating they cant and cant eat normal it sounds crazy cause you dont have that problem well unfortunately thats what normal drinkers think of us and why it is so great you are talking to others with the same problem we get it. for us there is no such thing as one drink and there never will be.

on that note i do agree he should understand it but you cant expect him to quit completely. It would be nice if he could not do it around you while your new to sobriety but that depends how strong you are. My girlfriend is not an alcoholic and drinks around me i think we have a great relationship and her drinking doesnt effect it at all.

My best advice that you wont wanna hear is if you are serious about recovery this isnt a time for a relationship. many people in A.A. suggested to me to wait AT LEAST a year before dating you are working through a lot of pain and have enough on your plate just not drinking. i didnt listen to them and started dating again after 2 months im still "dry" but havent worked on my sobriety in a while because im so focused on her.

Hope this helps

Patrick

FanofJoeMcQ

I don't know if this helps. I saw a couple at our home group anniversary meeting. The wife spoke. She celebrated 23 years and her hubby gave her the celebration coin. From what he shared to the group, you could hear that he wasn't an alcoholic. And he was there with her on the journey of recovery. Turn it over. What ever the outcome will be revealed to you. Hugs.

HereComesTheSun

hello again everyone- sorry for digging this old thread up! And it's my fault, I fell back into old habits- I quit trying to quit and let my life go out of control since I posted this. I do appreciate all the responses though. Even though I don't know a single one of you (in person), I'm going to tell you I love you haha.. everyone here is awesome. I mean that!

Since I have posted this though, I can tell you that alcohol did in fact ruin my "relationship"- or what was left of it. I don't want to get into details but I got really, really blackout drunk one night, no clue what I said or did- and even though he was my best friend, he didn't understand "it" and just kind of got freaked out and gave up on me, I guess (pushed him to that point).. ouch 3 years spent together and since that night I have not heard anything..

the fact he hasn't spoken to me, really, really hurts (to the core) but I keep trying to tell myself it will get better, I will get better and even if it doesn't there is probably someone there who might want to listen..

I know him and I probably weren't the best match for now.. it's just weird though because 3 years ago i thought id be married by now (to nick)... so weird how time changes ****.. honest to god though: but the feeling of being completely alone is rough..

Dee74

I'm sorry for your troubles HCTS...

our lives can get better, if we want them to.
I hope you decide to stick around, and continue to work on your alcoholism

D

CarolD

Yes..breaking up is a difficult time

I hope this will give you the desire to find sobriety....
Many of us did have false starts on our way to solid recovery.

Welcome back to SR