Lotus2009

Hi all,

I usually post in the Friends and Family section ... I hope you don't mind me posting a question here.

My AH has been trying to quit drinking during the past 2 months (trying a 1 day/ week outpatient group therapy), but doesn't seem to make it longer than 10 days before he falls off the wagon and starts bingeing. We were talking yesterday and he said that it is too hard for him to quit and treatment isn't working. I told him that I feel like he doesn't really want to give up alcohol and that this is probably why treatment isn't working (he has always said that he is doing treatment for us - because he doesn't want to lose me). He admitted that he doesn't want to give up alcohol, but he knows he needs to and he doesn't know how to do it.

My Question to those of you who have been sober for a while: what made you WANT to quit? Is it something that you realized while in the process of treatment or was there something that happened before treatment that made you realize you want to get sober?

(Maybe I don't understand it, but I feel like if you really want to quit you will be proactive about it and go to forums like this one, or to AA, or read books on the subject, or build yourself a support system, etc... grabbing on to whatever straw you can find and see what works for you!? Please don't get me wrong... I know it can't be easy, and I'm not asking for perfection... I'm just a little confused on how someone can go to group once a week and not do any work on himself other than those 2 hrs a week and then says that treatment isn't working).

Just trying to understand!

shaun00

a deep level of desperation i havent felt since.

firestorm090

Hi Lotus,

I'm a chronic relapser, or at least I was till yesterday. I know you asked those who have some time what made them want to quit, but thought I'd chime in if you don't mind.

Drinking and the obsession to drink have ruled my life for 30+ years. I didn't know how to live life any other way. It destroyed my marraige, yet I didn't stop, it destroyed my health, yet I kept drinking, it has destroyed my mind in many ways, yet I refused to give in, thought I could one day get it right, but it never worked.

I started reading the Big Book of AA last night, with the hopes that I might find something to help me stop. I read about who I am, written by people I've never met, and the solution I've been looking for has been in that book all along. I am motivated to quit because my way of living is killing me.

Astro

I wish I could understand too why I had absolutely zero desire to quit for most of my life. But I know that until I hit a bottom, I was having too much fun drinking and couldn't fully see the wreckage I was creating in my life. I was sweeping the chaos under the rug and blaming as much as possible on anyone but myself.

I know my life was progressively getting worse as time went on, but it felt like everything happened over a few short days. On Fri. my spouse demanded a divorce, Sat. & Sun. she left the house and I went on my final binge, on Mon. morning I found out she was having an affair. That night I went to my first AA meeting, and I haven't found it necessary to drink again since then. As the next few weeks went along, I'd lose my home and the right to see my children 24/7.

That's what made me want to quit, but we all have our own stories and reasons, it takes what it takes for each of us.

I understand your desire or need to understand, but I have to ask what you're doing for yourself? Are you attending Al-Anon or CoDA? No, it's not easy, and it's progress not perfection, but we all have our journeys to take in recovery. I continue to work on mine, my ex is untreated, my new wife works her own programs of recovery. The understanding I've come to is about myself and my disease, not someone else's.

Be gentle and peaceful.

Scott

Mark75

That's one of the horrendous paradoxes of alcoholism...

Consequences.... that's usually it, unfortunately... personal, professional, social, familial or legal.

I didn't come to recovery with an "honest" desire to quit drinking. I have it now, but it took a lot of work, and some help.... God, AA, the state I live in and the good people here.

Mark

LBW

Lotus,

I have alcoholic family members whom I tried desperately to "save". I, myself, also became an alcoholic. So I can really empathize with both you and your husbands' feelings on this. It is very painful to you both.

Your husband probably really does want to give up drinking... he feels helpless. This disease is so shameful. He probably hates himself and feels tremendous guilt and embarrassment about his inability to control it. The only thing that relieves him of the pain is drinking. It's a catch-22.

You're probably trying to figure out what you can do to spur him into action. By telling him you don't think he wants to quit, you think he will want to prove you wrong... You are trying to convince him that if he loves you and/or the family enough, he will quit. I tried all these things with my dad, so I understand. You're just trying to help because you love him.

However, I don't think those methods are going to be very effective... actually they can backfire, giving him even more guilt and shame, making him want to drink even more. You think if you can figure out just the right thing to say... just the right motivation to use... then maybe you can save him. To be honest, I don't know what YOU can do to make him quit. I don't think anyone can save an alcoholic but themselves.

With my Dad, I finally figured that out and stopped trying to save him. It was the only way I could live my life. He eventually quit. My dad's brother never did quit drinking and drank himself to death. Either outcome is possible.

It's a sad disease not just for the alcoholic but also the people who love the alcoholic. I say figure out what you want to do with your life. Figure out if you are willing to live with him as is or not. If you decide you can't live with him like this... and you must be very honest with yourself about your willingness to walk away... give this a lot of thought... make plans... then you tell him. I'm not saying give him an ultimatium in order to manipulate him, that should not be your goal. I'm saying you have to think of yourself. For your own sake, you need to start living your own life and stop trying to fix his.

exquisitered

Honestly. I didn't want to stop. I was terrified of it. But I reached a point that I couldn't continue to live the way I was, and that is what motivated me to actually quit.

LBW

I wanted to add that if you decide you can't live without him, that you'd rather live with him as an alcoholic than not at all, then you also need to figure out a way to live your life without trying to fix his. Be supportive of his efforts to quit. Tell him you are there for him in any way to help him quit. BUT Do Not enable him to continue to drink. Do Not Nag him. Do not allow yourself to be co-dependent. If he's going to continue to drink, that's his choice and his burden to bear.

My mom made this choice. She has been married to my Dad for 35 years and she stayed with him during the sober years and the drinking years. She also finally figured out she couldn't save him, he had to save himself. The only way she could stay with him and keep her sanity was to live her own life. That meant sometimes they were very much like roommates. She couldn't take him to any functions because he would embarrass her. She told him he wasn't allowed to answer the phone because he would embarrass her. She didn't enjoy talking to him when he was drunk so she just did her own thing when he was. They spent alot of time apart while living in the same house. She didn't nag thim though... it was just the way it was. She loved him and she told him so, but just matter of factly, she didnt' want to be around him when he was drinking.

Now that he's back on the wagon, she is very supportive and they hang out more. We're all really kinda relunctant to trust that he has really changed though. Don't want to get our hopes up and be disappointed.

least

I decided to quit drinking before something horrible happened to me, something I could'nt get out of.

omegasupreme

When I began to get sober, January of this year, I began with AA and an honest desire to stop. In the process I found it very difficult to let go absolutely and in the six months that followed beginning AA I endured the totaling of 2 vehicles, 2 trips to the ER (kind of life or deathers as I spent some time in ICU), 3 trips to the nut house, a trip to jail, quitting my job, losing my spouse, my spouse keeping my son from me, and the list goes on. Obviously none of those events by themselves pushed me far enough to quit. As I look back it seems as if I was a hurricane that destroyed the southern half of Texas. In the end the only thing that gave me any extended lengths of sobriety was my own desire to quit. I finally just let it all go and for that I have four months of sobriety.

dsc

A few things made me quit:

1.) The realization that life was going to continue in the same mediocre fashion if I didn't quit drinking and nothing would EVER change.

2.) My health, however, would get gradually worse over time.

3.) I'm working on a part-time business that I wish to do full-time one day. Managing this with a full-time job already is tough enough, let alone with the after-effects of drinking. Actually I knew that there was NO WAY this would get significantly off the ground if I still drank.

+ more probably but these are the main ones which pop into mind..

smacked

That right there tells me exactly why he's not having success in quitting.

I wanted to quit I guess because I was terrified, finally, of killing myself.

Treatment came AFTER my committment to sobriety, and was part of the "doing anything and everything to get and stay sober" piece.

If I had entered treatment before I was totally ready to quit, it would have been a complete waste of time.

There wasn't a consequence I could think of that "made" me want to quit.. it was just something that happened internally, and I have no idea what precipitated it.

Clutch B

Absolute, complete desperation.

He's not there yet. Not nearly there. And the longer you stay with him and try to help him, the longer it will take him to reach the breaking point.

Many people have to lose everything -- job, car, family, house, mind, body, soul -- everything, before they reach that point.

Kjell

For me, I had to hit bottom and even once I was convinced I found it, I grabbed a shovel and dug down a little deeper and hit bottom even harder than the last time.

I pray I've found my bottom and I hope he's found his, but it doesn't sound like it.

Cwolf

Time for a real change
If nothing changes...
nothing changes.
If I want to contribute something better in life for those I care about
it begins with me staying sober.
I've struggled with the compulsion to drink away emotions far too long...
A little over 1 month back in the rooms-
One day at a time, God willing, I will remain...

nolaspiral

Each time I have "quit," it was spurred primarily by shame and an overall dreadful notion that I had let everyone down. That alcohol robbed me of all potential (parents), made me a flippant and distant boyfriend (relationships), caused problems at work (employers and friends) - and that I couldn't always be trusted not to switch from life of the party to brooding or even maniacal jerk (friends).

Somewhat secondary but almost as painful was some sort of eight-cylinder hangover that I never wanted to feel again. Most all of us have been in a personal accident involving injury such as a broken leg or a large laceration. Frankly, I'd trade some of my hangovers for those, any day. The combo of physical distress plus emotional self-flagellating is too much to bear on any regular basis.

So I'd quit. Often as successfully as months on end. My body would regain much of it's health lost to poison, malnutrition, and fitful sleep. All of the hobbies that had fallen dormant while drinking were suddenly in bloom. And then I'd **** all of that away trying once again to cover up inexplicable anxiety and depression. That is ALWAYS why I come back. Well, full disclosure: I once relapsed after the New Orleans Saints lost a very important football game (that was just stupid and certainly no excuse, but in my defense it lasted only that night, and 'only' for six beers). In all other relapses it was overbearing and relentless fogs of dread.

At any rate, here I am, again. And if I'm here, it's because I'm not drinking.

Astro

Cwolf, welcome to SR!

yeahgr8

You are looking at this with, what sounds like, a pretty sane mind...if he is alcoholic he will not be thinking sane at all. Obviously he would do all the things you said if he really wanted to quit drinking. He has even admitted he doesn't want to quit drinking to you!

Anyone that truly wants to quit drinking will be proactive, e.g. counselling, medication, AA etc until they find something that works...in my case the AA program...i had to be at the point where i had no hope left, nothing else to try and was totally emotionally destroyed...my options were to live as i was or to kill myself...check out the family and friends section for support for you which is much more important than wasting time trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking when they don't want to!

Fubarcdn

I quit because my wife said either quit or we are finished.
If she did not give me this ultimatum and mean it I would not have quit.

barb dwyer

I had no other choice.
I had nowhere else to go.

Every cell in my body knows
this is my last chance to do something with this life.
This.
One.
Time.
I woke up after an attempted suicide knowing that.
And it's not diminished in three years.

As for anyone else...
It takes what it takes.

I don't believe that - I know it.

Not everyone is as stupid as I am
many learn way before things completely vaporize
into the apprent realization
that there's only one choice left.

But I've learned the way down
the spiral itself
is pretty much the same for all of us.

You can't fall out of the basement.

I know that it has nothing to do with 'proactivity' when alcoholism reaches a certain point. At that point , it's no longer a mentally controllable thing - it's a *physical* stimulus and to ignore the 'command' is ... truly fatal.
The BODY is addicted by then... I think that's the barrier we have with those who aren't addicted - we can't explain it other than to ask you to control and ignore the impulsion to breathe, or to stop your own heart by thinking about it.

It's literally the same physical impulsion.

The world without feeding the demon is no longer imaginable.
We are completely owned.

I could go on and on about it, but I know from myown experience....
one side of the fence can't explain it away to the other side.

I'm truly sorry for that.