waistedyears

Hello all... Today is day 10 and for the first time I feel the urge to drink coming back. I have a support group and am taking a medicine that is helping but I still feel the need to have "a couple drinks". So, recovery is about honesty right? So, I'm going to honeslty walk myself through my drinking night...

The drive to the liquor store would be great. Listening to music excited, literal butterfiles in my stomach. I'd think "you should be proud of urself, you made it 10 days and you've been doing great. Exercising, eating well, sleeping, you deserve a release... I'd get home and make drink one. Half whisky and half coke. The first few sips would literally send a calming chill through my body. I'd be happier, more alive, more confidet, more optimistic about life. I'd be chatty with my wife. While drinking I'd expain to her very clearly how I didn't have a problem. I would tell her, I'm only having a drink, what's the big deal. We have a house, good jobs, everything is great. I'd then make drink two. Talk to her about plans, the future, how good everything is, how much we're going to get done this weekend, etc... Drink three would come and she'd start to get a bit tired. I'd be slightly drunk at this point. I'd say "why r u going to bed so ealry". She'd say, it's 10, I always go to bed at 10. I'd say "You're right, I'd kiss her on her head in hopes she didnt smell my booze infested breath. She'd say "I love you, don't stay up to late". I'd say, "I won't honey, love you to".... Inside, I'd be happy that she's going to bed. Now I can drink like I want to... I would make drink 4 (now over half the fifth is gone) and also pour two shots to drink. Now I'm hammered. It's 11pm and I'm playing video games drinkign alone... now the mind sort of clears out. Now not thinking about anything, just noticing that my drink is emptying faster than at earlier. On to drink 5 and one more shot, now there's just a little bit left in my fifth. I'm hammered, stumbling around, dropping shiit, mummbling to myself, etc... Now it's 1am a decision has to be made. Finish the bottle? No way, that's what alcoholics do, I can't drink a fifth!!!!!!!! I'll feel like hell tomorow. I'll have a strong beer instead... Finsih the beer... feel empty, worried, ashamed, drunk.... get worried... how will I work tomorrow? I need to sober up. I need, I need, I need.............. FOOD! That will do it I'll make god knows what and eat a shiit ton... Still anxious.... it's 2am. DAMMIT! I know, I'll take a xannax.... Stumble to bed....

Alarm goes off at 630. I can't wake up, I'm still drunk. How will I work today. Fukc it, it won't... I need a dayoff anyway... No! I can't do that I have a family to support. I'll drag myself up... Get in shower, feel like hell, chest hurts, stomach is bloated for all the booze and crappy food. Entire body smells of whisky. HOW DID I DO THIS... I WAS DOING SO GOOD... NEVER AGAIN I'LL SAY....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, I'm back.... just needed to walk myself through having "a few drinks"... What a hell that is. Why would I ever want that? Why would I ever chose that? One day at a time. I never want to return to that place guys and it's scarey that it actually popped into my head...

Good luck everyone!!!!!!

dsc

This is good -- you're giving it thought about what's likely to happen..

NeverLookinBack

waisted,

Wow. You sound like me. I myself found that driving to the Liquor Store I would be real excited and almost filled with an adolescent type first-kiss jittery feeling. Then, the first drink would feel so good going down. My body would be so happy. Then I would have another, and another, and soon I've downed 12 or more beers in one night. Then, the anxiety kicks in, and the headache, and the guilt. The next 2 days are hell. A week passes by, and I feel good again, so I think "hey a few drinks couldn't hurt", and the cycle repeats itself.

Hang in there buddy. It feels so much better to be sober in the long run. Now I tell myself: why ruin my whole day or week for a toxic mimic of happiness? A few hours of feeling good usually translates into hell for up to 48 hours for me. That's unless of course I regress back to my old ways and drink from sun up to sun down daily, then I can dull the hangovers and withdrawals until one day I'm going through real hell and have to go the E.R. Fun!!! I'm better off without.

mmeat

Great post Waistedyears! Man-oh-man I would be the same way if I drank tonight. It's so funny how the first two or so drinks makes you feel so amazing.....then it's like a dark cloud starts looming in your mind, and you just switch to auto pilot drinking....

Taking5

In AA this is called "Playing the tape all the way through to the end". A few drinks sound good to me at times too but I know where I would end up. Hung over, or worse.

CarolD

Ah yes...then comes the crash and burn

Nope.....not me today
Good to know y'all are thinking the drink through

keithj

Actually, this 'playing the tape through' is not AA at all. In AA, we learn that we will be unable at times to recall with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humilation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. They even put it in italics so it would leap out at us.

If I can play the tape through and stop myself from taking that drink, I'm not powerless at all. Hence, no need for a higher power, and my AA program of recovery gets stopped before it even gets started.

In AA, we learn that playing the tape through won't stop us at all from taking that drink. But go for it if it works for you.

TheSunAlsoRises

ah... it is not pretty is it? Glad to see you staying away from it...

Clayton

Kjell

Great post!

...and very honest and very true, probably for most of us.

I recently relapsed/choose to drink and ended up with some very serious consequences. I wish I would have "played the tape through"...

Again, thanks for a great post.

WakeUp

Yep, that's what happned to me when I crashed and burned. Body felt ravaged. How could I do that to myself? Mental part was worst. Calling the sponsor and getting my butt chewed out.
Day 2, I am grateful to be sober today.

Taking5

Well, AA is the ONLY place I have ever heard this comment. Do you mean you have not heard it in AA or that it is not in the book?

shaun00

...

think about that for a moment........
you are not drinking.....
i presume you are not suffering withdrawals......day 10.
you have a long list of s..t that happens when you do drink.

and yet you feel the urge to drink....
For some it gets better....life comes galloping back and means something.
For some..imo......and from my own experience it doesnt and didnt.
That awful obsession to drink again gets greater and greater.
my long list........like your list..........becomes a distant memory.
eventually the relief of the first drink comes round again........and im off.

One of the things i did to rid myself of that obsession was run....
all over europe.
closely followed by a cheap bottle of scotch....
life was unbearable.......and i was unbearable to live with.

Reading the doctors opinion with my then sponsor.......i see myself.
the mental obsession..........the bit that works on me when im not drinking.
i cant stop once i start and i cant stay stopped when ive stopped.

the imformation in the doctors opinion was vital to me.
i thought i was a mental defect......
the guys at the aa club said "just dont drink"....i couldnt so i must be different i thought.
my sponsor said now you have the imformation about the problem......lets check out the solution......the 12 steps.

if im honest i didnt think it would work.......some old book
but that imformation was so striking.........i was interested.

through working the steps......firstly with a sponsor i was relieved of that awful obsession..
no it wasnt a cake walk for me anyhow..........but id run out of choices.
and was ready to put an end to it.

If that urge continues or gets worse with time maybe it would be helpful for you too to read the doctors opinion..........
you may find a peace beyond your comprehension.

SCRedhead

Welcome, Waisted!
As far as the "playing the tape all the way through" thing, I have only heard it in AA--but really does it matter where it came from if it works? If I find something that works, I use it. It's just that simple and this helps me a lot. I have not had a drink or drug in 241 days---for me, that is an absolute miracle. I still have "low" times, tough times, depressed days when I think a drink will help. Then I play that tape through and I know I am searching for immediate relief.....and when I drink the relief is immediate, but also not worth the physical sickness and incredible emotional guilt and shame I feel.

The Doctor's Opinion also helped me tremendously. Like trucker said--I understood that obsession and it helped to know I am not the only person with this malady. I can promise you it gets better, but I will not say it is easy. For me, somedays are a breeze. Full of fun and laughter and joy. But some days are very hard, too. I think I am learning how to deal with life on sober terms and to be honest, I'm just not used to being sober. My coping tools use to be drugs and alcohol. Now I have to learn how to deal with normal everyday difficulties without getting a "buzz". That, for me, is the hardest part (this month). I work on Acceptance one week, Patience another week, Being Grateful another week and then all of a sudden I find I need to work on Acceptance again. It's quite a roller coaster ride some days.....but I'm gonna' ride it sober!

Hang in there and good luck!

SCRedhead

Hey, I didn't look at the time.....I have 242 days sober now (it's after midnight). That may seem silly to some of you, but it really helps me to count the days. I believe we really do only have a 24 hour reprieve so for me, every one of those 24 hours are very special!

keithj

I agree. I heard it a bunch in various treatment settings, usually in the context of 'relapse prevention', but I hear it a lot in the rooms of AA as well. It happens to be in direct conflict with what the BB tells us based on the experience of other alcoholics. It's in direct conflict with my own experience. But, like you say, it doesn't matter where it came from if it works.

But does it work? Count up the number of people just on this forum, just in the past week, who have relapsed exactly like the BB describes. Did knowing the consequences of taking a drink deter them?

I wonder sometimes if ideas like 'playing the tape through' permeating AA doesn't account for the less than stellar success of people that prescribe to this kind of watered down, non AA message in the rooms of AA.

When I got sober, I had no delusions that I would be able to talk myself out of a drink. The delusion was shattered by numerous failed attempts at not drinking. I knew I was beat. Because I knew that I was absolutely screwed, I became willing to believe that a higher power could restore me to sanity.

If I can't accept Step 1, I can never really get to Step 2.

shaun00

Sadly lots dont even realize that this is watered down ..non aa clap trap.
I didnt.......i thought this was all part of the "program" of talk or think yourself sober...

i joined it for a while........parrot fashion..........stunned and ashamed when i drank again and again..........and again.

A frighten newcomer will grab hold of anything that seems to help imo.....then that day comes......when the s.......t hits the fan and "the tape"
get a bit fuzzy.

i did it all........and said it all.........fear and fellowship kept me dry for a while.
but eventually much if not all of what id learnt become as effective as a chocolate t pot.

i thank god today for those people that still go to aa to seek out lost desperate newcomers full of miss understandings....and bewilderment.
and the work they do to unravel the ineffective bs that isnt aa.

chrisinaustin

On of the reasons I couldn't/can't recall with sufficient force and play that tape all the way through is time and linearity. When I was in the throes of obsession, there was no way I could string together A to B to C to Z. My brain in that state was like a bullet bouncing off the walls. Tapes are measured in minutes and hours, and triage times for me in those situations were measured in nanoseconds.

And then of course, after that "lifesaving" first drink, it was like somebody swapped the tape for a completely different one.

Thankfully now by working a spiritual program the VCR is no longer needed. That, and DVDs. But I digress.

However, thanks WY for playing that out. That's the real deal right there.

Zencat

I though of this recovery tool when I read you post waistedyears: DISARM (Destructive Self-talk Awareness and Refusal Method)

I may experience experience a strong urge to use, however what course of action I choose is entirely up to me.

waistedyears

zencat, are you saying it's good to "talk your-self through" or not to. I read the link and still didn't get the angle...

Zencat

I do think its a powerful exercise to "talk your-self through"...I have done it myself with lifesaving results. As for the DISARM...for some reason it came to mind after reading your post.