MsMandee

I originally posted this in the "friends/family" forum, as that's what I am, but I also wanted to hear from those who struggle with the disease, as you might be able to give me more of an inside perspective.

I'm new here. Hi, all.

My mom is an alcoholic. She hasn't been a problem drinker for long, about a year, but in that year, the decline has been serious.

She always liked wine, occasionally, but never drank more than at social occasions. So, when she began drinking regularly, it was wine. First one glass a night, then two, you all know the progression. Eventually, she was drinking a gallon of Carlo Rossi every 2 1/2 days or so.

But it was only at night and was not yet affecting her life or health in obvious ways. It concerned me very much, but she brushed it off and I justified.

Fast forward to now: In the past few months, she has upgraded from wine to vodka and simply cannot control her drinking. She also denied it perpetually. One night last month, she drove home blacked out and behaved in ways I could never have imagined seeing my mother. After this, she felt ashamed and frightened, and agreed to a detox program given to her as an ultimatum from her job.

For the first time, she admitted she had a problem and seemed earnest in wanting to change. However, despite her completion of the detox program, she was still fired, and began drinking again right away. Back to denying it, but still admitting she's an alcoholic. She has only admitted to one slip-up, but I know there have been at least 4 in the past week.

I feel like some part of her desperately does want to change, but why is she still lying about her drinking if she does? Why can't she just say, "I want to stop but I don't know how?"

I may sound naive, and perhaps, I am, but I am just overwhelmed. I love her so very much and want to see her get better, but I am so, so afraid.

She doesn't want to go to AA because she feels uncomfortable. I held out hope she would see a psychiatrist, at least, but after she lost her job, she lost her health insurance.

I know you can't force someone into recovery, but what I don't understand is this flip-flopping behavior. On one hand, she's now open about the fact that she is an alcoholic and want to change, but still drinking and doing what she can to hide and deny. Why hide if she wants help?

Is it possible that she wants to change, at least to some degree, despite the fact that she is still drinking and lying?

Wolfchild

smacked

This is going to sound really rude, but trust me long enough to read the rest of what I have to say.. but what business is it of yours whether she 'slips up' or not? Don't get mad.. just a question.

I KNOW you are concerned, and frightened.. I would be too. From what you're telling us, she's not done, and it's only up to her hun..

I'll repeat what's likey been said over on the F&F side, you can't control it, didn't cause it, can't cure it.. or something like that.

Her addiction is her own, and has nothing to do with anyone. Same w/ her recovery, if and when she wants it. She's been the detox route, so she knows about that.. she knows of AA, and I'm assuming knows how to call 911 if things get dire..

She might want to change, but ultimately she'll decide when that happens, and that time doesn't seem to be now.

Boleo

This might not make any sense to you because this disease does not make sense (period).

People who have alcohol-ISM suffer from delusional thinking that creates blind-spots so big that outsiders can't even begin to imagine them.

Even if she wants to change more than anything else in the world - her disease is blocking her from the truth that she desperately needs to change.

As long as she is drinking she has no clue just how much she is lying. As long as she is lying she has no clue just how addicted she is.

Something needs to break the cycle - jail, hospitalization or rehab. Pray for rehab.

LBW

She's in conflict right now. She's not convinced she wants to quit. She may be thinking that she has a problem but maybe the solution is simply to control it better. She may be thinking she has a problem but she doesn't want to quit yet... maybe one day, but not now. She feels ashamed, guilty and she hates herself when she is sober... the only time she has relief from those emotions is when she drinks.

My Dad is an alcoholic. He quit for 13 years while I was growing up and only started drinking again when I was 18. He fell off the wagon when he lost his business. After he started drinking again, he lost a couple more jobs. We watched him self destruct for 12 years. I can't tell you how hard we tried to convince him to stop during that time. When he got his second DUI, he finally quit because he was scared of going to jail.

I don't have any advice on how to get someone to stop... In my experience it can't be done until they are ready. I had problems with alcohol myself, and after many years of trying to figure out how to outsmart alcoholism, I have finally decided that my best option is to quit. It has been a big spiritual change for me.

I would be curious if there is anyone on this site who is now sober because of an intervention type of thing. Or if some family member was able to get through to you to convince you to quit.

barb dwyer

****************************[Mandee}}}}}}}}}}}}}

How hard that must have been to write for you!
But what a good job of it you did.

It has been my experience that NO alcoholic wants to try aa.
ALL the alcoholics I've ever met say at the very onset
that they do not want to go to aa.
"My life is ruined-I have nothing but I CANNOT go to AA!"
If only they could see for themselves at the time ...
the insanity of what they're saying.
It's like saying -
I'm drowning - but I CANNOT use a floatation device and I CANNOT get out of the water! You have to help me so that I can continue drowning the way I want to!"

It's literally that insane.

But unfortunately, AA is the only solution I know.
And after a costly detox - you can't beat the price.

It's saddest for you because you're the 'unseen' in this story.
You want to help, and if your mother has the personality,
whether she drank all the time or not -
you have been raised by an alcoholic,
and that usually means
you were raised to 'be there' for them.

I don't know a way to 'make her want it'...
she might have farther to fall.
I implore you to find an al-anon group in YOUR best interests
because this sounds to me
as if it's going to get much MUCH worse
before it gets better.

And I'm more concerned at the moment
that you have a resource circle to draw
experience strength and hope from.

As far as being an alcoholic myself
I know for a fact that it's going to 'take what it takes'.

And that's the first hand knowledge I have.
So protect yourself in the meanwhile.

Sorry I couldn't do better for you.

Nevertheless

Hello Mandee
I know you want to help. But if you are suggesting things to her. Like more rehab or AA. You "could " be making matters worse. I am saying "could".

Myself I found alcoholism embarrassing So in turn, whats more embarrassing?
Whats more embarrassing is trying to quit and not being able to. Or going to rehab and failing. So if you are making suggestions it gets even more embarrassing. And thats why we (I) deny we have a problem, or try to hide it.
Because it is unbelievably embarrassing.

I think a part of why AA works is to get around other people that also are embarrassed, so this hell isn't so embarrassing.
But the trick is to get her there, and as Smacked and others have said. She has to want sobriety. It isn't like a hobby. It is a complete change in the way we live our lives. 24 hours a day.
Fred

eastcoaster

Everyone here is offering fantastic advice. I just want to add that however your mother appears, she knows that you care. It's true that there's nothing more you can really do, and in fact that continued suggestions will likely push her farther away. BUT when or if she is ready to quit, she will know you're there for her and will be so appreciative of your support. So even if you do feel wronged by her in the meantime, please try to do what you can to be there for her when and if she eventually asks for your help.

CarolD

When I was dealing with my adult childrens various addictions
I found Al anon immensley useful.

I hope you will find a meeting to attend

Blessings to you and your Mom

hps

For me, the lying was about embarrassment and shame. It is painful to acknowledge I was destroying my life and didn't know what to do.

I did want to change, but it was hard for me to do so because alcohol was my main way of coping. And stopping drinking was a long slog, and the quick fix of drinking was seductive. Knowing I had a problem and wanting to change is not the same as actually changing- the knowing part is analytical, whereas the changing part involves discipline (at least for me).