OceanBound

When I "planned" my relapse, I thought it would last only a couple of days, a week max. Now almost 3 months later, I still can't find enough motivation to stop despite the consequences. Drinking hasn't solved anything. So I really hope you won't go down this road.

When I have these thoughts, it's more along the lines "How do I make sure that I have only 1 successful attempt?" It seems to me that you want to use suicide as a cry for help. But you don't have to go that far. Reach out now, please. If SR is not enough, do it in 3D.

Good luck!
Ocean

ICantHeCan

First and foremost, Congratulations on what should be 105 days now! A lot of the advice offered here so far is right on point with living a life free of the bondage of alcoholism and eventually of self. Its so very important to remember as you continue through today that we are often handed life on life's terms -- not our terms (the bondage of self). Its equally important for you to remember as you have just witnessed, the miracle of another day sober, that HP will take you through to the other side of "life on life's terms" by letting him work his miracle on you being mindful that its in HP's time not ours, often with a lesson of growth accompanying it.

You're in my thoughts & prayers with mucho hugs, Clay!

ClayTheScribe

I felt really low today. Had an interview that did not go well. They said I'd need too much training, so a no. Seriously thought about a suicide attempt, but I can't do that to my family right now. I guess friends would be sad too. I'm not going to drink because I don't really have the money and I know that'd drive me to a suicide attempt. Hopefully I can get ahold of my psychiatrist. Don't know what she can do though. I talked to my therapist today, but didn't tell her I was suicidal. Set up a meeting for Tuesday afternoon. Therapy hasn't been helping much, so I'm giving it one last time before I try another therapist. Honest to god, I just don't see any way out of this. I cried so hard today on my mom's shoulder. I forgot how much crying takes out of you. I know there's others suffering, but yet I feel so alone. Can't call friends because they won't understand, I don't think. I don't want to burden them anyway.

I just have no hope.

smacked

If you're suicidal, please call one of the many suicide hotlines or 911.

We can't help with that part here, Clay.

I hope you get some help soon.

NewMe11109

Clay - Please call the Suicide Hotline 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK
(which are 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255) if you need to speak to someone urgently.

Regarding how you are feeling, I understand. I really had to start working on my underlying problems before I got out of my funk. I have found working with other alcoholics to help to fill this void. Perhaps you could find a local AA meeting?

Hope you feel better. Tomorrow will be better.

ClayTheScribe

I'm sorry all. I'm just being an ungrateful whiner. I've always had this problem. Many more people have problems much worse than me. I should be lucky enough to have food and a roof over my head for f*cks sake! I just had steak for dinner. How sad is that and here I am complaining about my meaningless problems. I couldn't take my life even if I really wanted to, and I really did today. I can't leave that many people hurt. I'm gonna try to go to AA tomorrow and my NAMI meeting if I can scrounge up some gas money.

Thanks guys and again sorry for wasting your time.

barb dwyer

Hi clay -

glad to see you getting some perspective.

maybe someone from the geroup can pick you up?

I got 'real bad broke'there with the illness
and I just asked at a meeting for a ride.
I became the group's service work
for a couple of months - LOL

ClayTheScribe

They only have meetings in the morning, at noon and at 5:30 p.m. and my NAMI meeting is at 5:30 p.m. and I'm pretty sure the people I have contacts for in AA all work for the day. I'll have to wait until Saturday to go, if I go at all. AA still really intimidates me. Then again everything intimidates me these days.

tyler

Hey Clay, sorry your'e having a hard time. I know what you mean about kinda falling into those suicidal thoughts. I still go there myself. At this point I really don't think I'd do it, but I have in the past. Somehow you have to learn not to go to that place when you are feeling down. I'm still working on that myself, so I don't have a whole lot of advice for you on that.

One thing I can suggest as far as your theripist goes, is that you really try to be honest with them. I've been through a slew of theripists, always blaming them for not helping me, but much like AA, they really can't help you, only assist you in helping yourself. You said you were feeling suicidal today, you met with your theripist but you didn't mention this, and you think you might need a new theripist. You may well need a different person, but you can't expect them to help you if you don't let them know what is going on. You have these suicidal thoughts pretty frequently, that is something you really should be working on with your theripist, but they can't drag it out of you. It sounds like you have a pretty good support system, but it can't help if you don't use it.

I only say all of this because I have been down exactly the same path, but I am getting better. I am sharing what has worked for me. I understand that wallowing in your misery can somehow be comforting, though I still don't know why, I sometimes do the same thing myself. Hang in there Clay, keep working at it, don't ever give up. Take care.

soidog

Clay - A big part of my recovery has been in helping other people, and not necessarily alcoholics or others who have experienced depression or other such ills, but just people in general. Volunteering at a local recreation center, a kitchen, a nursing home...these things can all help, even if its just a few hours a week. It gives you something to do, it can be fun, and gives you a sense of the world that maybe you never knew to think about before. Plus its a way to meet new people. Just a thought bro. Keep your spirits up!

ClayTheScribe

Yeah I'm trying to volunteer at the animal shelter, but I still have to do an interview, and I missed the last one. You have to go through all these hoops to volunteer these days it just doesn't seem worth it. But I'll try. I'd like to think I help people on SR? But I dunno.