Trusting myself again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 91
Trusting myself again
I cannot tell ya'll what an epiphany experience it has been joining this site. Everyday I am learning more about myself and my problem. I'm seeing how sick I was. I never want to go back to living in that misery.
I didn't think I was in denial because I knew I had a problem... but now I'm seeing how I was. I'm seeing how messed up my thinking was. Things I was doing to protect the drinking. Thought patterns I had developed that were really MESSED UP and I didn’t even realize. I think in spite of how much I hated myself for having no control, I never believed I was THAT bad... as all those other drunks, you know. But I was! Reading all these posts and identifying with everyone so much... it's really eye opening.
When people talk about how they love being responsible and dependable now that they are sober… I totally get that. I used to live in fear that I would forget to feed my child while I was drinking, that there would be some accident with him and I'd be too bombed to be able to react properly, that I would one day think I can handle driving with him when I've had too much...
I remember I would worry about drinking too much and telling people all my private thoughts that I would NOT feel comfortable sharing with the entire world when I was sober. I would worry about drinking too much and feeling like I was best friends with strangers, telling everyone how much I loved them...
I had to worry I would drunk-call family or friends and say inappropriate things... Once I remember calling my grandmother drunk and crying and telling her I didn't want her to die! She wasn't even sick! Another time, my mother-in-law called me to ask a quick question and I told her I thought she was a great mother to have a gay daughter (my husband's sister is gay) and be so accepting! Oh and I love the time I called my boss Monday morning when I had stayed up ALL night long drinking, I told him I was sick and wouldn't be coming in... Then, I threw in at the end of the call, "Love ya, Scott!" He said, “uh, yeah, ok… well, talk to you later….” He sounded really confused.
I was scared of what I might do. Would I ever cheat on my husband? If the circumstances were right and I was drunk enough, probably. Who knows what I'm capable of when drunk. Who knows if I will remember it all even.
It was like a foreign entity took over my body and would do things that I would NEVER do sober... I had no control to prevent it. I couldn't trust myself. How weird is that? To worry you, yourself, is going to do something against your own will….!
Sometimes nowadays I'll catch myself thinking things like, "oh I hope I don't say _____ or do ____" and then I think , "wait, I have control because I'm not drinking anymore... I won't say or do anything I don't want to say or do." I'm grateful for that. It's odd to realize how long it's been since I trusted myself... 15 years. That's half my life!
Has anyone else felt this way?
I didn't think I was in denial because I knew I had a problem... but now I'm seeing how I was. I'm seeing how messed up my thinking was. Things I was doing to protect the drinking. Thought patterns I had developed that were really MESSED UP and I didn’t even realize. I think in spite of how much I hated myself for having no control, I never believed I was THAT bad... as all those other drunks, you know. But I was! Reading all these posts and identifying with everyone so much... it's really eye opening.
When people talk about how they love being responsible and dependable now that they are sober… I totally get that. I used to live in fear that I would forget to feed my child while I was drinking, that there would be some accident with him and I'd be too bombed to be able to react properly, that I would one day think I can handle driving with him when I've had too much...
I remember I would worry about drinking too much and telling people all my private thoughts that I would NOT feel comfortable sharing with the entire world when I was sober. I would worry about drinking too much and feeling like I was best friends with strangers, telling everyone how much I loved them...
I had to worry I would drunk-call family or friends and say inappropriate things... Once I remember calling my grandmother drunk and crying and telling her I didn't want her to die! She wasn't even sick! Another time, my mother-in-law called me to ask a quick question and I told her I thought she was a great mother to have a gay daughter (my husband's sister is gay) and be so accepting! Oh and I love the time I called my boss Monday morning when I had stayed up ALL night long drinking, I told him I was sick and wouldn't be coming in... Then, I threw in at the end of the call, "Love ya, Scott!" He said, “uh, yeah, ok… well, talk to you later….” He sounded really confused.
I was scared of what I might do. Would I ever cheat on my husband? If the circumstances were right and I was drunk enough, probably. Who knows what I'm capable of when drunk. Who knows if I will remember it all even.
It was like a foreign entity took over my body and would do things that I would NEVER do sober... I had no control to prevent it. I couldn't trust myself. How weird is that? To worry you, yourself, is going to do something against your own will….!
Sometimes nowadays I'll catch myself thinking things like, "oh I hope I don't say _____ or do ____" and then I think , "wait, I have control because I'm not drinking anymore... I won't say or do anything I don't want to say or do." I'm grateful for that. It's odd to realize how long it's been since I trusted myself... 15 years. That's half my life!
Has anyone else felt this way?
Well, I'm on my way
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: El Paso, Texas
Posts: 276
I feel the same way! (Almost said I loved your post then thought better of it
) I used to drunk call and was maudlin or angry about nothing, Half the time I didn't even realize how drunk I was. I couldn't be trusted, even though I promised myself I'd never drive drunk.
It's good to know that those are symptoms of a problem, a problem that others share, and not solely my own unique insanity. It's easier to understand and deal with, and a great relief. Don't drink, those behaviors don't happen. You can be your best, true self. SR is a great help.
Thanks for sharing this.
) I used to drunk call and was maudlin or angry about nothing, Half the time I didn't even realize how drunk I was. I couldn't be trusted, even though I promised myself I'd never drive drunk.It's good to know that those are symptoms of a problem, a problem that others share, and not solely my own unique insanity. It's easier to understand and deal with, and a great relief. Don't drink, those behaviors don't happen. You can be your best, true self. SR is a great help.
Thanks for sharing this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Laramie, WY
Posts: 85
Nothing made me feel worse in the mornings than flipping through my phone and seeing all the drunk calls...wow I don't miss that.
Most of the time I was a very responsible drunk-most people didn't even know I had been drinking when I was really 15 shots in. But every once in a while I would black out and do really embarrassing stuff or forget to do things I promised others I would do. I still feel so much guilt about this. It's so amazing how much alcohol can change a person.
Most of the time I was a very responsible drunk-most people didn't even know I had been drinking when I was really 15 shots in. But every once in a while I would black out and do really embarrassing stuff or forget to do things I promised others I would do. I still feel so much guilt about this. It's so amazing how much alcohol can change a person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Hey, we all felt that way. Most of us were fortunate, as you are, to see that something had to be done. For me, it was AA. That program saved me and countless others. You see, physical sobriety is great in that you don't drink, but it can be a very fragile thing. What's needed to maintain the physical sobriety is emotional sobriety, and that's what AA teaches us. Together, the physical and emotional aspects constitute successful recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Yea, I felt that way most of my (adult) life.
A lot of my problem is most of my friends were alkie/drugies. So I thought all this was normal. I wasn't brought up that way. But that said, even around my alkie/drugie friends, I always got the most looped. (well not always), but usually. While it was going on I never realized it, but looking back, its like WHY DIDN"T ANYBODY TELL ME. My friends never said anything. I guess they thought it was funny.
Idono I hope you stop now. I came really close at your age (about 30), But I kept it up till I was almost 50. I sure would like to have those 20 years back, because I really don't remember that much about them. Not all because of blackouts. Mostly because I just wasted them.
Fred
A lot of my problem is most of my friends were alkie/drugies. So I thought all this was normal. I wasn't brought up that way. But that said, even around my alkie/drugie friends, I always got the most looped. (well not always), but usually. While it was going on I never realized it, but looking back, its like WHY DIDN"T ANYBODY TELL ME. My friends never said anything. I guess they thought it was funny.
Idono I hope you stop now. I came really close at your age (about 30), But I kept it up till I was almost 50. I sure would like to have those 20 years back, because I really don't remember that much about them. Not all because of blackouts. Mostly because I just wasted them.
Fred
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