BunnyLaRoo

I have been in recovery for 5 months now and after getting out of detox, I had a wonderful lease on life. Very focussed on my sobriety, loving how I felt physically and mentally for the first time in my life. I attended meetings, got a sponsor and lived in fellowship. However after nearly three months, I had a little relapse. Next day I picked myself up, cleared the house of alcohol again and started over. A few weeks later, another relapse. Then another, this time not even three weeks went past. I lost my sponsor and I have been going to meetings intermittently. It seems to me now, I'm just going from relapse to relapse with no real sober time in between. I have begun to feel just as wretched as I did before I detoxed and it's killing me. I am worried for my physical well-being and for my sanity.

I am embarrassed and annoyed that I continue the punitive behaviors, can't seem to like myself enough to get up again and hate the daily, hourly battle. I dont know what to do with myself half the time, but if I am too busy, I stress out about it and cancel everything so just keeping busy isnt a concept that is working for me.

I would love to hear from people who have had relapse early in recovery but have beat them - please, tell me how you did it!

keithj

Welcome Bunny.

At this point, it doesn't sound like sequential relapse. It sounds like unable to stop drinking.

What step were you on when you first relapsed at 3 months? What were you doing to take that step?

ElegantlyWasted

When I've stopped drinking before, the longest time I logged was about a month. I would then convince myself I never had a problem and began drinking again. I attribute my current 3 months and change to, reciting cheesy aa slogans when I start to get unfocused, putting quality work into a quality program most days of the week, and periodically counting alcohol related scars and broken bones. Hope this helps. Relapse is part of the game. Choose not to play, I had to surrender.

CarolD

Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum....

Gosh I can so relate....I spent 5 years in AA
before I earned my 1 year medallion.
I felt like a Yo-Yo ..up and down-in and out.

But I kept trying and missing and trying again.
I certainly hope you will too.....

I read a book "Under The Influence" by Milam & Ketcham
that explained to me why I returned to drinking.
Eureka! My mind and body no longer processed alcohol correctly.

I also began following the eating plan
+ supplements recommended in the back of the book.

I re-connected to God and AA.....I finally quit drinking in '89.

All my best as you move forward
Please keep posting with us.

Bamboozle

Hello, BunnyLaRoo. Welcome to SR.


I have 7 months of sobriety...not nearly as much time as many other sober members here, but this is the longest I've made it by far.

I would typically make it a couple months and then relapse every time. My last relapse was really bad--my only decision was drink or kill myself...I was that miserable and thought I had no way out. I ended up relapsing, but I also picked up a phone for help. My doctor set me up with a therapist and I've picked up the pieces from there. I'm getting treatment for the depression I’ve had before I ever started drinking and no doubt was made worse by the addiction to alcohol I picked up along the way.

Even though I’m getting the appropriate help it’s still very hard. Here’s what I live by:

--I don’t have to feel recovery to do recovery. If I’m only doing recovery when I feel good about it I always relapse. If being sober is the last thing I want to do…I stay sober anyways. The feeling will pass.

--I don’t pick up the drink. I do what I did the last time, schedule an emergency session with my therapist and an appointment with my doctor. My meds did need a tweak and I’m feeling much better emotionally right now.

For me, success isn’t instant. It’s a long process…there are no quick fixes to feeling better. I’ve had to believe the sober people here that it does improve…and it has. I’m looking forward to life getting better over time.

There is life without alcohol. There are lots of things to do. After a while of being sober I don’t miss being drunk so much.

Hang in there and keep your head up. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. You are worth saving.

luckyrina

This is my life and I take it serious. I have a choice today. I choose
to not drink or drug. I had to stop being the victim, stop playing the
blame game and stop making excuses to why I had or want to drink. I
want to live today no matter what.

BunnyLaRoo

Thank you for all your replies. I was and am still on the first step. I lost my sponsor so haven't moved on from that first surrendering step. I see a doctor and a therapist and am reading the AA literature.

I am also "replaying the tape" today - reminding myself that I dont drink because of what happens when I do... for today, it's working.

bugsworth

Welcome Bunny...sounds like a roller coaster I was once on.
I'm of the same mindset as luckyrina...I was out of excuses and reasons...there was not one reason left for me to drink. I was going to die and damn it was going to be ugly.
I'm not a big fan of convincing people that they must hit their bottom in order to be done but sometimes that is just what it takes. There came a time when I made the decision that I was going to take my life back or die trying. I walked away from my old life one day at a time....somedays one minute at a time.

A friend of mine use to ask people if they were full...if the answer is no than the ride will continue. You can do this.

caleb76

Carol,
Awesome post! I like hearing that people can screw up initially and eventually start running a great program of recovery for themselves. I guess that is why they say "keep coming back, it works if you work it."

Twenty years of sobriety is great! I get my six month chip tonight! I am so happy.

For the first time in my life I can finally see how I can live without alcohol.

Thanks!

joedris

I've gotta go with Keith here. You're problem seems to be more of an inability to stop drinking than one of relapsing. Get back to AA, this time not intermittently, pick up another white chip (if they have them in Brooklyn) and find another sponsor. But start getting serious about the program. From what you say it seems that you admit you're powerless over alcohol and that you life is unmanageable. Now you have to a accept that fact, and that's different from admitting it. Once you can accept you're an alcoholic, then move on to the next step. And try taking this thing one day at a time. Today I will not/did not drink. Don't worry about tomorrow. And if that's too hard, then try an hour at a time. And stop with the pity party. This program works, but no one ever said it was easy.

keithj

Forgive my rant, BunnyLaRoo. AA has abused you by letting you think that you're taking Step 1. Maybe that's why you're still drinking.

I have no issue if you want to play the tape through until you get drunk next time. The whole point of Step 1, of surrender, is to know in your heart that you are powerless. When the book says we have no mental defense against the first drink, it means just that. Play the tape through all you want. Eventually, it will come up short. The essence of Step 1 for me was knowing that I was hopeless. It was knowing that I was doomed. I knew that I would never get it under control, that things in my life would keep getting worse, and that despite all my sincere and best efforts, I was going to get drunk again. There was nothing I could do about it. I was f*cked with a capital F.

In knowing how screwed I was, I became willing to be open minded about a lot of things I was previously unwilling to consider. I was willing to surrender to a program of action that promised me recovery. I believed it because it had worked for others.

I welcome and encourage this and other mental tricks as a way of keeping sober for today. Might be useful in times of need. But don't mistake it with Step 1 of AA.

aqua4017

I went through periods of sobriety and relapsing over and over this last year. The most I would make it would be maybe 3 weeks sober, and then I would binge.

At least you are picking yourself up and starting over the next day-I would just keep drinking for days and days.

For some people, I think they really have to hit rock bottom before it finally clicks that you will die if you keep this up. Though I was only drinking maybe once a month, this last binge landed me in the ER after my bf found me passed out in my car.

I'm only at 5 weeks sober, but I finally feel confident that this is it for me. I have never wanted to stop drinking so much or been so active in recovery before. Just don't give up.

SomethingBetter

I have to agree with what others above have said, never give up and keep trying, I restarted my sobriety 8 times so far in the last month and a half, cant count the time over the years never went to long though.

I took Carols advice and went and bought the $8 book “Under the Influence”, it explains so much.

Today I am on day 3 (I know its not much but it means a lot to me right now), no cravings till after work today, I seen the full moon and had my excuse right there, instead I knew I had to eat dinner quickly, normally when I drink I skip dinner till later on, for me eating can take away the bad cravings because the body is hungry for its usual energy supply (Alcohol).

I know we all have different paths, I hope you find yours but never give up!

I love this saying I think I seen it on someone’s signature… “I haven’t failed, I just haven’t tried enough times” or something like that.

Keep at it!

DesertKate

I agree that, from your post, it seems "relapse" doesn't quite nail where you are. rather, you just haven't really stopped drinking. Going to meetings "intermittently",as you put it, kind of sums up the level ofcommittment you feel towards sobriety. Maybe you haven't hit bottom yet. Maybe you are unwilling to do the hard work that sobriety requires. Only you and God, as you understand him, could know the answer to that. Speaking of which, have you gotten down on your knees and asked for help?