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Advice please

Old 10-30-2009, 04:06 PM
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Advice please

Ok, bear with me, this could end up being a long post.

Right so I am now 3 months sober. And am sooooo happy. I have found the serenity that I heard spoken about in the early meetings, have a sponsor and have done steps 1-3. I am doing my first share tomorrow evening too.

Anyhow, I was speaking to my sponsor today on the phone and something she said bothered me. I had been out with a group of 4 friends (one of which is my younger brother also) last night to see a rock band (as live music is a passion of mine) who were playing in a bar. I was the designated driver now I don't drink and they had a couple of drinks each while I stuck to diet soda. It really didn't bother me that I wasn't drinking, I didn't even think about it tbh.

I enjoyed the music, enjoyed being out of the house as I am a single parent and so nights out are few and far between, and enjoyed waking up this morning with a clear head and another day of sobriety under my belt.

However when I spoke to my sponsor this morning she said that I need to consider changing my group of friends if I want to succeed in the programme, and that a good friend of hers had been in AA for 8 years and then fallen because he couldn't let his old friends go.

Now I can sort of understand that, if you are a person who socialises a lot and the British culture (I am British btw) seems to revolve around pubs and bars a lot for socialising. But I am a real homebody, I drank at home for the majority of the time and the only time I really ever went or go out is to watch football (soccer in the US I believe) and occassionally to see a band live.

My friends who I go to the football with are a totally different group of friends who I see at other times. I have noticed that I don't enjoy spending time with my football friends as much anymore as they get really drunk and tend to make idiots out of themselves and to me it highlights the fact that I am happy to be sober and that I was only friends with them because of the drink. I cannot see these friendships enduring now I am sober.

However the guys I was out with last night are what you would call true friends. I have known them all for between 10 and 30 years (in the case of my brother) and our good times together are not dependent on drink. Why do I need to give up seeing these people? And can I not go out to see live music anymore because I have stopped drinking? My sponsor says I need to speak to people within the AA more and try to make more friendships through the meetings, but to be honest I am quite a shy person and I find it hard to let people into my life. I have already been told that I should stick with women at the meeting rather than men which is hard for me, as I get on a lot better with guys (as I sometimes find other women intimidating as I am a heck of a tomboy even at 35).

This conversation with my sponsor has really brought me down. I am not going to stop hanging with my brother and I really do love the other two friends I was out with last night too. But I want to be sober too.

Would love to know what you guys think about this.
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Old 10-30-2009, 04:34 PM
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I think your sponsor is right to urge caution - many many people slip up in bars and clubs. 90 days is great but it's also still early days, right?.

I also think she's right that a few AA friendships wouldn't hurt. We can all use some resolutely sober friends who understand alcoholism and addiction.

But I also love live music. I also think there's a difference between drinking buddies and real friends. I presume your close friends know all the gory details about your alcoholism?

I think if we really want to be sober, we will be

D
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Old 10-30-2009, 04:41 PM
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My sponser told me to quit my band because i sing in bars. I told her no. You can't sing and drink anyway - well, you can, but it's a bad idea. So the first gig sober, the place is loaded with aa people. I think they were there for support. I cracked up.

I agree that there is a HUGE difference between real friends and drinking buddies.
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Old 10-30-2009, 04:45 PM
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Thanks for the advice guys. I have been in tears thinking about this. I so want to be sober, and I thought I would do anything for it. But the thought of ditching my true friends absolutely tears me up.

Its not as if I frequent bars regularly with them either. In 3 months I have been to see two live bands with them, and the rest of the time I have seen them in other circumstances where drink isn't around at all. I can see why I need to ditch my football friends, that is a totally different thing and now that I am not drinking I just don't have anything in common with them.
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Old 10-30-2009, 05:51 PM
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If you friends do not coax you to drink then I see no reason why you should give them up. I told one of mine to go straight to hell because he said..."drink a beer boy" and set one in front of me. You're going to be faced with a lot of challenges that will come out of nowhere. Just don't drink, enjoy the music and your friends
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Old 10-30-2009, 05:52 PM
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If they're great friends, they will be more than happy to do things with you that don't involve alcohol..

I had to (happily) ditch anyone that wasn't up to it.
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Old 10-30-2009, 06:51 PM
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I'm glad you are doing so well
Congratulations on your progress.....
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Old 10-30-2009, 07:53 PM
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Originally Posted by blefuscu View Post
Ok, bear with me, this could end up being a long post.

Right so I am now 3 months sober. And am sooooo happy. I have found the serenity that I heard spoken about in the early meetings, have a sponsor and have done steps 1-3. I am doing my first share tomorrow evening too.

Anyhow, I was speaking to my sponsor today on the phone and something she said bothered me. I had been out with a group of 4 friends (one of which is my younger brother also) last night to see a rock band (as live music is a passion of mine) who were playing in a bar. I was the designated driver now I don't drink and they had a couple of drinks each while I stuck to diet soda. It really didn't bother me that I wasn't drinking, I didn't even think about it tbh.

I enjoyed the music, enjoyed being out of the house as I am a single parent and so nights out are few and far between, and enjoyed waking up this morning with a clear head and another day of sobriety under my belt.

However when I spoke to my sponsor this morning she said that I need to consider changing my group of friends if I want to succeed in the programme, and that a good friend of hers had been in AA for 8 years and then fallen because he couldn't let his old friends go.

Now I can sort of understand that, if you are a person who socialises a lot and the British culture (I am British btw) seems to revolve around pubs and bars a lot for socialising. But I am a real homebody, I drank at home for the majority of the time and the only time I really ever went or go out is to watch football (soccer in the US I believe) and occassionally to see a band live.

My friends who I go to the football with are a totally different group of friends who I see at other times. I have noticed that I don't enjoy spending time with my football friends as much anymore as they get really drunk and tend to make idiots out of themselves and to me it highlights the fact that I am happy to be sober and that I was only friends with them because of the drink. I cannot see these friendships enduring now I am sober.

However the guys I was out with last night are what you would call true friends. I have known them all for between 10 and 30 years (in the case of my brother) and our good times together are not dependent on drink. Why do I need to give up seeing these people? And can I not go out to see live music anymore because I have stopped drinking? My sponsor says I need to speak to people within the AA more and try to make more friendships through the meetings, but to be honest I am quite a shy person and I find it hard to let people into my life. I have already been told that I should stick with women at the meeting rather than men which is hard for me, as I get on a lot better with guys (as I sometimes find other women intimidating as I am a heck of a tomboy even at 35).

This conversation with my sponsor has really brought me down. I am not going to stop hanging with my brother and I really do love the other two friends I was out with last night too. But I want to be sober too.

Would love to know what you guys think about this.
Did you explain this to your sponsor the way you explained it to us? If you did I think I would explain it again. If nothing changes I think I might start looking for a new one.
If you did not quite explain it the way you are explaining it to us, try explaining it again. Remember, your sponsor is really trying to keep you sober, but maybe she is just being a little over protective. Sponsors make mistakes just like everyone else, and as another poster said. 3 months is quite an acomplishment. But you are still vulnerable (we all are).
Im just trying to say keep an open mind. There really is no right OR wrong answer here.
Fred
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Old 10-30-2009, 09:04 PM
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Blefuscu -

I believe that alcoholism is a disease of my mind. I was also given the same advice (e.g. to stay away from places where alcohol is served), but I found this was impossible given my work.

What I learned from many wise people on SR is that we often drink in our minds long before we take a physical drink. So, for me, I have worked hard on the 12-steps and have created the right mental state to not have the desire to drink. I actually prefer not to drink - even when everyone is drinking around me.

Now, I agree that if people are pushing drinks on you, you need to stop this. And, it never hurts to get some significant sobriety under your belt before putting yourself in these situations ... but for me, it is a mental game.

I am happy to not drink and so people drinking around me doesn't seem to create a problem.

For me, it is the little voices inside my head telling me that "you're not really an alcoholic" that I have to watch out for. By the time I started drinking at a bar, I had already made the mental decision to do so.

I still have a box in my garage of the hard alcohol that I packed up on the first day of my sobriety. I bring it out when we have guests who want to have a drink. It doesn't call to me or tempt me. It is the thoughts that cause me trouble.

You know yourself best and can make the right decisions. Congrats on your 3 months.
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Old 10-31-2009, 08:07 AM
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I don't think that live music and sobriety have to be exclusive from each other. I am not AA, but have taken some very active measures for my ongoing recovery and sobriety, and some things I am doing are very similar to the steps of AA, like making an inventory of my life and taking reponsibility for stupid and hurtful things I did to others while drinking.

I go to lots of live concerts, and while there's alcohol around, most of the people I go with to shows don't drink when they go to concerts, because we're there for the music anyways.

Concerning the friendships, I agree with those who say there is a difference between drinking buddies and real friends. I have experienced both. Those that are longtime friends didn't ask many questions about my choice not to drink. It was acknowledged positively and that was it. They are at best moderate drinkers, so alcohol never was a key element of our social interaction Spending time with them has always been fun regardless if there was alcohol involved or not.

I have distanced myself from those people who were questioning my choice, trying to convince me to have a drink with them although I made it clear that I am not drinking anymore or were plain drinking buddies. My exact feelings were: If me not drinking is an issue for you, get the f*** out! I was pretty defiant about this, especially in the beginning, but it proved to be the right choice.

Congrats on your 3 months, and have a good sober day,
S.
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Old 10-31-2009, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by blefuscu View Post
However when I spoke to my sponsor this morning she said that I need to consider changing my group of friends if I want to succeed in the programme, and that a good friend of hers had been in AA for 8 years and then fallen because he couldn't let his old friends go.
Uhh... I think the big book is pretty clear about this. If someone goes out and drinks it is because they have not gained or maintained fit spiritual condition. Having said that you need to get pretty comfortable before you hang out with people drinking heavily and likely by that time you won't be too interested. But if these friends are close (like you say) and you had a legitimate reason to be there (driving, enjoying music) I don't really see a issue... If I know i'm gonna be around drinking I just call someone in the program and tell them whats up and that I will call them with the success report later. Best of luck 3 months is fantastic
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