Don't know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Don't know what to do
Hey everyone,
I'm to the point where I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I always hate posting a "novel" of a long post so I'll make this as short as I can.
Sure a lot of you guys know me here, joined up about 10 months ago. Had times of sobriety during that time as well as a couple times going back to drinking (HATE the word relapes). Anyway...was sober the past about 2 months, thought it was the "last time" for me and this was it. I did the whole AA route years ago and don't hate it but tried this time doing it on my own with some AA meetings as support, reading the big book on my own, reading "beyond the influence" ...using this site, etc etc. It was working well for a couple months.
About 5 weeks ago a very good friend of mine died, it really hurt me more than I let on to my friends/family. That was the first time I had thoughts "again" about drinking. Over the next couple weeks after that I slowed down on going to meetings and doing what was keeping me sober. About 2 weeks ago one of my best friends died of an OD of drugs. I didn't post about that here because I tried to block the feelings out of my mind and as bad as this sounds....I didn't want to tell "strangers" about that ya know. About a week ago I tried to do something for health, and quit smoking. I posted about quiting smoking last week.....looking back maybe what I really should have posted about was losing my friend from and OD rather than the smoking crap.
So....4 days ago on friday night, I drank again. I went to the local party store I use to always go to and got what I thought I needed. I drank a fifth and a half of vodka on friday night. I don't remeber much after 9pm friday night, don't know what I did, who I talked to, or where I went. All I know is I woke up Saturday ashamed, feeling sorry for myself, feeling defeated, and feeling useless. My family knows I "finally quit" 2 months ago. I haven't been able to tell them about this so I have been keeping it to myself because I know if I told them it would break their hearts. I lying to them though.
I've spent the last 4 days just...not being part of life. After this last drinking session my body just can't move for days it seems. I'm just finally back to myself this morning.
It's hard for me to admit this stuff because I'm normally a pretty private person. But after going through this "relapse" a few days ago I don't quite know what to do. I'm to the point of feeling like I honestly don't know if I will ever completely stop drinking. I've "hit my bottom" a number of times over the past 15 yrs. Jail, car crashes, losing fiances, jobs. You'd think that would be enough of a 'Bottom" to make anyone quite, yet I guess I still haven't.
I don't know how I feel about myself right now or what to honestly do. I'm honestly feeling like I will never stop drinking completely right now. As much **** as I have gone through you would think I'd be done for sure, but I'm still wondering IF I'm done and what's it gonna take? I want to quit forever so many times, yet for whatever reason I can turn right around and turn into wanting to drink. Anyway...for whatever reason I felt the need to be honest and post this tonight, so I guess you guys are for some reason one point in my life were I still feel the need to be honest and reach out too.
I'm to the point where I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I always hate posting a "novel" of a long post so I'll make this as short as I can.
Sure a lot of you guys know me here, joined up about 10 months ago. Had times of sobriety during that time as well as a couple times going back to drinking (HATE the word relapes). Anyway...was sober the past about 2 months, thought it was the "last time" for me and this was it. I did the whole AA route years ago and don't hate it but tried this time doing it on my own with some AA meetings as support, reading the big book on my own, reading "beyond the influence" ...using this site, etc etc. It was working well for a couple months.
About 5 weeks ago a very good friend of mine died, it really hurt me more than I let on to my friends/family. That was the first time I had thoughts "again" about drinking. Over the next couple weeks after that I slowed down on going to meetings and doing what was keeping me sober. About 2 weeks ago one of my best friends died of an OD of drugs. I didn't post about that here because I tried to block the feelings out of my mind and as bad as this sounds....I didn't want to tell "strangers" about that ya know. About a week ago I tried to do something for health, and quit smoking. I posted about quiting smoking last week.....looking back maybe what I really should have posted about was losing my friend from and OD rather than the smoking crap.
So....4 days ago on friday night, I drank again. I went to the local party store I use to always go to and got what I thought I needed. I drank a fifth and a half of vodka on friday night. I don't remeber much after 9pm friday night, don't know what I did, who I talked to, or where I went. All I know is I woke up Saturday ashamed, feeling sorry for myself, feeling defeated, and feeling useless. My family knows I "finally quit" 2 months ago. I haven't been able to tell them about this so I have been keeping it to myself because I know if I told them it would break their hearts. I lying to them though.
I've spent the last 4 days just...not being part of life. After this last drinking session my body just can't move for days it seems. I'm just finally back to myself this morning.
It's hard for me to admit this stuff because I'm normally a pretty private person. But after going through this "relapse" a few days ago I don't quite know what to do. I'm to the point of feeling like I honestly don't know if I will ever completely stop drinking. I've "hit my bottom" a number of times over the past 15 yrs. Jail, car crashes, losing fiances, jobs. You'd think that would be enough of a 'Bottom" to make anyone quite, yet I guess I still haven't.
I don't know how I feel about myself right now or what to honestly do. I'm honestly feeling like I will never stop drinking completely right now. As much **** as I have gone through you would think I'd be done for sure, but I'm still wondering IF I'm done and what's it gonna take? I want to quit forever so many times, yet for whatever reason I can turn right around and turn into wanting to drink. Anyway...for whatever reason I felt the need to be honest and post this tonight, so I guess you guys are for some reason one point in my life were I still feel the need to be honest and reach out too.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hey Steve
I've been in your position...I was there for 15 years.
We start behind the eightball really - we're so conditioned to drinking in response to basically everything...when we take the drinking away, events still happen...sometimes the excuses are 'better' than others...but they're still excuses.
There's no logic to doing something you know is harmful to you. That's the insanity of addiction.
That's why it's vital to reach out as soon as you can. Talk it out, get it out there, have other people call you on your BS.
I know how hard it is to do that sometimes, but that really is the difference between doing the same old same old and breaking the cycle....and finding new and better ways to cope with the stuff life throws at us.
Welcome back
D
I've been in your position...I was there for 15 years.
We start behind the eightball really - we're so conditioned to drinking in response to basically everything...when we take the drinking away, events still happen...sometimes the excuses are 'better' than others...but they're still excuses.
There's no logic to doing something you know is harmful to you. That's the insanity of addiction.
That's why it's vital to reach out as soon as you can. Talk it out, get it out there, have other people call you on your BS.
I know how hard it is to do that sometimes, but that really is the difference between doing the same old same old and breaking the cycle....and finding new and better ways to cope with the stuff life throws at us.
Welcome back
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
Hi DW,
I cant help you because I am like you but thank you for posting, I want to say I feel like you in the since I don’t know that I will ever be able to quit completely, I do want to though.
I had a good friend die about 10 years ago, my last best friend I tell people and its true, I punched a glass stove while drunk and cut my hand pretty badly, at the time I was proud, I was glad to be wounded for my friend, and I drank as much as I could that night…
Last night was my “last night”, here again I drink, my wife asks me to tune up the car for a road trip out of the blue (to her mothers I know), I risk it all by drinking, the one thing that stays constant after September 20th 2009 even if I cant stay sober is the fact that I would keep trying to become sober!
I hope you do the same and become successful!
I cant help you because I am like you but thank you for posting, I want to say I feel like you in the since I don’t know that I will ever be able to quit completely, I do want to though.
I had a good friend die about 10 years ago, my last best friend I tell people and its true, I punched a glass stove while drunk and cut my hand pretty badly, at the time I was proud, I was glad to be wounded for my friend, and I drank as much as I could that night…
Last night was my “last night”, here again I drink, my wife asks me to tune up the car for a road trip out of the blue (to her mothers I know), I risk it all by drinking, the one thing that stays constant after September 20th 2009 even if I cant stay sober is the fact that I would keep trying to become sober!
I hope you do the same and become successful!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Traveling in Europe
Posts: 415
Hey friend so sorry for your loss... your friend and your sobriety. I don't know what I can add other than what D has posted. It is imperative that you reach out before the drink. We are all here for you. We all know its very very difficult its like telling a fish they can't swim anymore... We are so conditioned to drink/use. Prayers for you brother
Clayton
Clayton
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 758
Sounds mundane but thanks guys.
Dee you actually said something that has been on my mind for the past few days now.
That's what just kills me man, I just don't get it. Why can I go from (and obviously the "times" are just examples lol...but seriously) how can I go from say 3:19pm feeling like I never will drink again and don't want ANYTHING to do with alcohol, to say 3:30pm all the sudden putting my wallet in my pocket and heading to the party store to get a couple bottles? That's honestly what has been making me crazy thinking about these past few days. Because I know that's crazy thinking, but that's how my mind is working and I just don't understand it! It just doesn't make any sence to me. And yet if I try to tell anyone (family) about that, then they just think I'm not "trying".
Steve
Dee you actually said something that has been on my mind for the past few days now.
There's no logic to doing something you know is harmful to you. That's the insanity of addiction.
Steve
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I remember that....all day thinking no no not today - then 5 minutes later I was off up the road.
But there's a lot of steps from home to store and back again...a lot of chances to change our mind and challenge the insanity...and reach out.
I know...it's not easy, but it's a chance to break the cycle...if you get that little oasis of clarity? Use it, man.
D
But there's a lot of steps from home to store and back again...a lot of chances to change our mind and challenge the insanity...and reach out.
I know...it's not easy, but it's a chance to break the cycle...if you get that little oasis of clarity? Use it, man.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi Steve
I sat with a guy who had gone out and drunk again last week, you know i've been hitting AA for just over 3 months now...i had to stop him at one point and ask do you know you are talking insane, which took him back a bit, i just wanted to know did he know he was in the throws of insanity or, like me before AA, believed everything he said to me?! He sat there trying to figure out why he could not stop drinking for more than a few months, why he didn't have a family, why his job sucked, if only he didn't have back problems, why has his friend gone back to drinking etc...
Then last week i sat with another guy outside the front of an AA meeting who had 'relapsed' after 4 years of not drinking, i asked the same question to which he laughed and then he proceeded to tell me that as long as he stops smoking by the weekend and goes to the gym it won't be a problem...i mean wtf?!
It's great to see it, for me, as before i couldn't cos i didn't know myself at all and still thought that i should (not could) be able to control it...as for talking and being open about myself including emotions, forget about it...i'm no girl...guys deal with stuff not sit their talking about how they feel?! But now i do talk about how i feel, my point is that if you work the steps, to the best of your ability, with a sponsor you will change...
From your posts, i think AA is for you mate! I think your disease (illness...whatever you want to call it) is doing its best to **** you up by your actions of sitting alone and trying to do the stuff you should be doing with a sponsor thus re-inforcing that AA is not for you, ensuring that you, at some point, drink again and...eventually...hopefully give up on the concept of AA altogether and can get back to daily drinking...it is cunning, baffling and powerful...if it wasn't you would be doing the suggestions and you would not be drinking!
I'm sorry about your friend honestly, but just think of this for me...do you know any 'normal' non-alcoholics (if you are anything like me you won't have met many over the years, but trust me they are in the majority on this planet) that have lost close family members in the past? Do they set out on a path of self destruction? No they don't, they deal with it and it is an awful time in their life...you don't have the tools to be able to do this as you never learned how to deal with things as they did, i.e. mature in a healthy way...we just got physically older...
So there you go, for what it is worth i have listened to 5 people in the last 3 weeks who have been back out in the rooms of AA, talked to them over coffees and your post sounds like you might be closer to actually taking some action than any of them...so good luck:-)
Oh and don't worrry at all about the comment about not sure you ever want to stop drinking, of course you don't...it is your emotional crutch...you just want the pain to stop...you will understand more about this from your sponsor...go to meetings and get some numbers and ring them, pretend your life depends on it...or better don't pretend;-)
Take care
Cliff
I sat with a guy who had gone out and drunk again last week, you know i've been hitting AA for just over 3 months now...i had to stop him at one point and ask do you know you are talking insane, which took him back a bit, i just wanted to know did he know he was in the throws of insanity or, like me before AA, believed everything he said to me?! He sat there trying to figure out why he could not stop drinking for more than a few months, why he didn't have a family, why his job sucked, if only he didn't have back problems, why has his friend gone back to drinking etc...
Then last week i sat with another guy outside the front of an AA meeting who had 'relapsed' after 4 years of not drinking, i asked the same question to which he laughed and then he proceeded to tell me that as long as he stops smoking by the weekend and goes to the gym it won't be a problem...i mean wtf?!
It's great to see it, for me, as before i couldn't cos i didn't know myself at all and still thought that i should (not could) be able to control it...as for talking and being open about myself including emotions, forget about it...i'm no girl...guys deal with stuff not sit their talking about how they feel?! But now i do talk about how i feel, my point is that if you work the steps, to the best of your ability, with a sponsor you will change...
From your posts, i think AA is for you mate! I think your disease (illness...whatever you want to call it) is doing its best to **** you up by your actions of sitting alone and trying to do the stuff you should be doing with a sponsor thus re-inforcing that AA is not for you, ensuring that you, at some point, drink again and...eventually...hopefully give up on the concept of AA altogether and can get back to daily drinking...it is cunning, baffling and powerful...if it wasn't you would be doing the suggestions and you would not be drinking!
I'm sorry about your friend honestly, but just think of this for me...do you know any 'normal' non-alcoholics (if you are anything like me you won't have met many over the years, but trust me they are in the majority on this planet) that have lost close family members in the past? Do they set out on a path of self destruction? No they don't, they deal with it and it is an awful time in their life...you don't have the tools to be able to do this as you never learned how to deal with things as they did, i.e. mature in a healthy way...we just got physically older...
So there you go, for what it is worth i have listened to 5 people in the last 3 weeks who have been back out in the rooms of AA, talked to them over coffees and your post sounds like you might be closer to actually taking some action than any of them...so good luck:-)
Oh and don't worrry at all about the comment about not sure you ever want to stop drinking, of course you don't...it is your emotional crutch...you just want the pain to stop...you will understand more about this from your sponsor...go to meetings and get some numbers and ring them, pretend your life depends on it...or better don't pretend;-)
Take care
Cliff
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
My relapses all had one reason: I chose to leave my program out of my daily life. I even wrote in my diary once: "I want a vacation from sobriety". Aaaaeeeeeh.
Reading that now, I see how wrong my thinking was.
You can do this! Some of us have more hurdles to jump over than others.
Reading that now, I see how wrong my thinking was.
You can do this! Some of us have more hurdles to jump over than others.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
Thankyou for posting that insanity....it reminded me.
many times i woke..in the early hours shocked that id got drunk all over again.
my resolve had become a distant memory...
Didnt i swear on my daughters life id never go back?...i felt ok......pretty fired up in fact......brimming with will-power and determination..
it was almost like a possession of sorts......a feeling of having no choice....powerless to have a say in the matter.
At times i truly felt insane....
i was vaguely aware that once i started drinking it was very physically difficult to stop......sometimes with hospital assistance..
so why go out there and do it all over?...why put myself through that bs when i know what the outcome is gonna be?
for me.......i found the answer to that dilema in the book "alcoholics anonymous".
i learnt that it was important to understand what happens when i dont drink.
as well as what happens when i do.
when not drinking i reach a point where life became so uncomfortable it was unbearable....
clancy described it as "an invisible spring in the gut" a feeling of irratibility.
"white knuckling" is a good description of how i felt.
with time my last drunk became a distant fuzzy memory.....i couldnt bring to mind the full horror of my drinking.
it would appear as "not that bad".....i would start to blame other stuff for the condition i found myself in.
before long id drink again......and again.........and again.
and then i read the big book.......the information of why i drank like i did.
the imformation in there was written by drinkers of my type..
for me alcoholism is not all about what happens when i drink......it alot about what happens when i dont drink.
i would strongly suggest you read it.........it may give you the imformation you need.
it did for me........and the obssession to drink has gone.....and i mean gone..
its been removed
lastly you are not alone.....most alcoholics have stories like the one you just posted...
many times i woke..in the early hours shocked that id got drunk all over again.
my resolve had become a distant memory...
Didnt i swear on my daughters life id never go back?...i felt ok......pretty fired up in fact......brimming with will-power and determination..
it was almost like a possession of sorts......a feeling of having no choice....powerless to have a say in the matter.
At times i truly felt insane....
i was vaguely aware that once i started drinking it was very physically difficult to stop......sometimes with hospital assistance..
so why go out there and do it all over?...why put myself through that bs when i know what the outcome is gonna be?
for me.......i found the answer to that dilema in the book "alcoholics anonymous".
i learnt that it was important to understand what happens when i dont drink.
as well as what happens when i do.
when not drinking i reach a point where life became so uncomfortable it was unbearable....
clancy described it as "an invisible spring in the gut" a feeling of irratibility.
"white knuckling" is a good description of how i felt.
with time my last drunk became a distant fuzzy memory.....i couldnt bring to mind the full horror of my drinking.
it would appear as "not that bad".....i would start to blame other stuff for the condition i found myself in.
before long id drink again......and again.........and again.
and then i read the big book.......the information of why i drank like i did.
the imformation in there was written by drinkers of my type..
for me alcoholism is not all about what happens when i drink......it alot about what happens when i dont drink.
i would strongly suggest you read it.........it may give you the imformation you need.
it did for me........and the obssession to drink has gone.....and i mean gone..
its been removed
lastly you are not alone.....most alcoholics have stories like the one you just posted...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hi Steve...
Thanx for posting that.
Many of us don't get it, can't get it. Why, against all good sense, do we choose to drink? In a split second, we make the choice and it's "off to the races"....
Sounds like AA is on your radar screen, so...
A good first step is needed. But the second and third are vital to get any kind of sobriety... God will restore you to sanity, that's His job, your job is to stay sober and get the f*ck out of the way!!! For me, it works because it gets me out of the drivers seat... when I start getting ansy, when I just get all tangled up because I just don't get it.... I have to remind myself, I don't get it, not when it comes to myself.... and I don't have to get it... just don't drink and keep working on my recovery.
Third step.... I've turned my will and life over to the big guy... That means I don't make the choice to drink, I don't have to choose to drink or not to.... I abdicated that choice.... Yea, I will, on some level, depending on the situation or the way the planets align, want to drink.... So if I keep the choice in that matter, and don't turn my will over to God, it is always possible, perhaps probable, that I will drink. But I gave that choice to God.
As long as I keep those first three steps in my heart, keep them current, which isn't that hard these days.... I'm protected...
This isn't the 12 step forum, so perhaps you will get a very different POV here. I don't consider myself weak or incapable of understanding complex issues, emotions, concepts, etc.... Also, I don't consider the 12 steps a cop out, an easier way or burying my head in the sand. It is a wonderful intellectual AND spiritual journey that is in no way beneath me.
Good luck Steve... Like Cliff said, it seems that you have a lot going for you, you are becoming willing. Willingness is the step before the steps.
Mark
Thanx for posting that.
Many of us don't get it, can't get it. Why, against all good sense, do we choose to drink? In a split second, we make the choice and it's "off to the races"....
Sounds like AA is on your radar screen, so...
A good first step is needed. But the second and third are vital to get any kind of sobriety... God will restore you to sanity, that's His job, your job is to stay sober and get the f*ck out of the way!!! For me, it works because it gets me out of the drivers seat... when I start getting ansy, when I just get all tangled up because I just don't get it.... I have to remind myself, I don't get it, not when it comes to myself.... and I don't have to get it... just don't drink and keep working on my recovery.
Third step.... I've turned my will and life over to the big guy... That means I don't make the choice to drink, I don't have to choose to drink or not to.... I abdicated that choice.... Yea, I will, on some level, depending on the situation or the way the planets align, want to drink.... So if I keep the choice in that matter, and don't turn my will over to God, it is always possible, perhaps probable, that I will drink. But I gave that choice to God.
As long as I keep those first three steps in my heart, keep them current, which isn't that hard these days.... I'm protected...
This isn't the 12 step forum, so perhaps you will get a very different POV here. I don't consider myself weak or incapable of understanding complex issues, emotions, concepts, etc.... Also, I don't consider the 12 steps a cop out, an easier way or burying my head in the sand. It is a wonderful intellectual AND spiritual journey that is in no way beneath me.
Good luck Steve... Like Cliff said, it seems that you have a lot going for you, you are becoming willing. Willingness is the step before the steps.
Mark
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Steve.....
This sums up my experience
Sorry to know your friend OD'd
This sums up my experience
"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental
defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither
he nor any other human being can provide such a defense
His defense must come from a Higher Power."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st. Edition,
More About Alcoholism, pg. 43~
defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither
he nor any other human being can provide such a defense
His defense must come from a Higher Power."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st. Edition,
More About Alcoholism, pg. 43~
Last edited by CarolD; 10-28-2009 at 07:07 AM. Reason: Typo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hi there steve.i am the type of acloholic that was regarded as hopeless.even when i didnt want to drink i still did,i would swear off and then would come the day when drunk again i would be bewildered and confused.my life was a chaotic mess for 20 years.violence,drugs,rape,unwanted pregnancy,unpaid bills,promisctuity,police cells,phsyc wards,my daughter going to live with my sister because i could no longer have her in my care.the lsit goes on.i went to AA at the begining of the year and new i had to do something different,my way didnt work.so i did as i was told.went to plenty meetings and called 3,4,5folk every day from AA.after a month i picked up again!!! how did this happen,i was gutted,i was doing what was suggested and yet i still picked up a drink! unfortunatly where i live the AA is a little watered down if you like,but i new about the 12 steps,the Big Book and sponsorship from little snippets i had picked up.so,i got a sponsor,got on the steps and worked my butt off like my life depended on it (oh,it did!).i came to realise that i needed a complete phsycic changed as expalined in the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous,i learned that as a chronic alcoholic unless this happened i was always going to be without defence against the first drink.so,my story now,almost 9 months sober,had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps,lots of friends,great little job but more importantly than all,when i stopped drinking the craving stopped,as soon as i started on the steps and made a desicion to turn my will and my life over to a higher power who i choose to call God the obsession that someday i will be able to drink like normal folk has been removed.i rarely think of alcohol at all these days and if it enters my head it is replaced by something else very quickly.i was written off by everybody including myself.i was bottom of the heap alki.not today.do you think you are desperate enough to give this an honest go? please try,you have nothing to loose and maybe your sanity and your life to gain.i wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Steve,
It's a rough spot you're in, and you already know that. I was in that same spot for a couple of years, not wanting to drink ever again, but still being unable to not drink. I'd make new resolutions and promises on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Or things would go well for a while and I'd string together a few weeks or months without drinking. I'd be happy and seem to have it down. And then, inevitably, I'd find some trivial reason to get plowed and start the whole thing over again. For me, that was a time where I learned what 'pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization' was, and I sunk to a heartbreaking lonliness.
From your posts, you missed it. I hear nothing from you about trusting a higher power or having a spiritual awakening. It's not a criticism, just an observation. AA's suggested program of recovery is to have a spiritual awakening that removes the problem. The Steps are a time-tested means to get there. Reading about the steps is not the same as taking them.
The solution for me was to disregard all the BS I heard in AA meetings, and find a sponsor who talked about a spiritual awakening. I had to stay away from the popular message of metting attendance and service work and 'just don't drink'. What I found was a group of guys that was focused only on the spiritual program as outlined in the Big Book. We worked through that with determined single-mindedness, because those guys knew that was my only hope. They knew that because it was their only hope as well. They showed me precisely how to have a spiritual awakening using my own beliefs and concepts.
Those are the types of alkies that have to live the AA life, not just talk about it. I had to find those guys, Steve, before any of this clicked for me. I had to be desperate enough to do the whole deal, not just the parts I liked.
If there is anything I can share with you, it's the desperation that is key. I had to grasp on like a drowning man. Please let me know if I can help.
It's a rough spot you're in, and you already know that. I was in that same spot for a couple of years, not wanting to drink ever again, but still being unable to not drink. I'd make new resolutions and promises on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. Or things would go well for a while and I'd string together a few weeks or months without drinking. I'd be happy and seem to have it down. And then, inevitably, I'd find some trivial reason to get plowed and start the whole thing over again. For me, that was a time where I learned what 'pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization' was, and I sunk to a heartbreaking lonliness.
Originally Posted by DayWalker 
I did the whole AA route years ago and don't hate it...
The solution for me was to disregard all the BS I heard in AA meetings, and find a sponsor who talked about a spiritual awakening. I had to stay away from the popular message of metting attendance and service work and 'just don't drink'. What I found was a group of guys that was focused only on the spiritual program as outlined in the Big Book. We worked through that with determined single-mindedness, because those guys knew that was my only hope. They knew that because it was their only hope as well. They showed me precisely how to have a spiritual awakening using my own beliefs and concepts.
Those are the types of alkies that have to live the AA life, not just talk about it. I had to find those guys, Steve, before any of this clicked for me. I had to be desperate enough to do the whole deal, not just the parts I liked.
If there is anything I can share with you, it's the desperation that is key. I had to grasp on like a drowning man. Please let me know if I can help.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
