xge910

>Pboy;wrote:

>Thanks for your reply, Belinda

your welcome

>My typical over indulgence usually goes like this.

>I go to one of a few neighborhood bars with the intent of having a few
>cocktails after work. I typically get involved in conversation with someone
>I know. A few cocktails turn into more plus shots often resulting in more
>frequency of me staying out all night drinking and missing work.

ergo my advice, look into your patterns, habits and behaviors.
Also perhaps an alarm clock? or setting the alarm on your cell
phone clock? I too enjoy going to clubs and bars, however on
what I call "school night" i make a point to wrap up things early
on weekend nights this would not be such an issue. one thing
that keeps my drinking "in check" while at the bars and clubs,
is dancing, a drink or 2 gets me moving to the music, more than
that i am just lame on the dance floor.

>BTW, many bars in N.O. never close.

also true in Nevada, and in my other "city" Honolulu last
call is 4am.

>In contrast, to consider the "drink only at home" moderation theory ... no
>matter what alcohol beverage I'd buy it would be likely I would consume
>the entire bottle. I'm not suggesting that this qualifies as moderat
> drinking, but drinking a bottle of wine (5 or 6 glasses) over the course
>of an evening would be significantly less detrimental than the bar
>scenario I mentioned above.

drinking at home alone WAS a bit of my problem

>Some would say ... well then you'd may go to the store and purchase more
>wine, but that's not been the case to date.

Pboy

Strike 1

My plan didn't work out so well tonight

Dee74

Took a lot of guts to give us that update tho pboy - thanks.
What's next?

D

TheSunAlsoRises

Thanks for your honesty Pboy. It was obvious that you really wanted your plan to work, and don't want to give up drinking (no offense intended) To come back and keep it real with everyone takes courage. Whats your next move? Are you working on a three strike system or what? lol

ow edit: Many of us have found much more fulfilling relationships outside of the bar circuits. Its intimidating but I would try to not let that throw you...

firestorm090

Pboy.

Welcome to SR.

So your plan didn't work the first try, no big deal.

Over thirty years, I've tried every possible way I could conceive of to drink like a gentleman, but to no avail.

Years ago, I worked for a liquor store and while there educated myself on many of the varieties of spirits available and sampled as many as my pocketbook would allow. I didn't know at that time that alcohol was a huge problem for me, I played the game for many more years. The progression exists in my life, my consumption, which I've tried to moderate, became so unpredictable that I now do not know what will happen after the first drink, regardless of whether I leave my ATM, cc cards at home, for I've gone to get them, I've left cash at home, only to retrieve it and go back to the bar, and I've ran tabs at bars, then had to go back and pay the tabs, and while there, got drunk again, and just ran another tab, so I wouldn't drink and drive to get money to pay for my drinks. I respect your attempt to moderate and wish I could do so myself, but I can not. It took me thirty years to admit this, and even though I admit it, I still can not stop drinking by myself. Others may be able to do so, but not me. You see, after all my experiments, after all my "drink-like-a-man" attempts, I've come to know that I'm just a drunk, with no real social skills, only a couple of real friends, (who like me better sober) and I have a ton of self-pity because I can't drink like others, I can't go to a Super Bowl party without getting drunk, I can't ask a girl for a date if I'm not at least a little intoxicated, I don't work any more because of heart damage due to alcohol and drugs, so I know the deal, as do countless others here. Alcohol became my courage, my strength-in-a-bottle so to speak and I have tried every possible way to hold on to my strength, because without it, I'm an awkward person, without booze in me, I drift to an fro, I cannot balance life, and I can't do it with alcohol either, so I'm lost. I hope this does not become your fate. Sure, there's SR to return to, AA meetings available, but the real loss is of ourselves, and our ability to manage our own lives when alcohol really takes control. We can minimize our consumption, but even a little alcohol daily means we are bound to alcohol. In my experience, going 100 days without a drink doesn't mean I can take it or leave it, it only means I fooled myself for 100 days and alcohol will wait... it will wait till the time is right, then it will exact its toll. You see, alcoholism is an addiction, and sooner or later, without help, it will overcome our attempts to keep it manageable, it will consume us as we consume it. It will destroy us. It has destroyed me, so I offer my experience as proof that the game you are playing is wrought with minefields that will literally blow you life apart. BE very careful.

Pboy

Thanks all,

I'm not sure what's next.

I've never been to an AA meeting, but I just don't think I'd be comfortable.

My place of employment has a EAP, so I may give that a try when I return to work tomorrow.

tyler

Very few people are "comfortable" at an AA meeting the first time you walk through the door. You shouldn't let that top you from trying a few though. I'm guessing you're not so "comfortable" right now. Nobody is going to hurt you, be mean to you, etc at a meeting, that much I can promise. You've got nothing to lose, and possibly a lot to gain, so suck it up and at least give it a shot. It's not personally not my cup of tea, but I've been to hundereds of them over the years and everyone has always been kind, caring and compationate. Don't discount it until you at least give it a shot is my advice. Take care.

TheSunAlsoRises

Err... I would say NO ONE is comfortable going to an AA meeting for the first time, I almost had a freaking anxiety attack walking through the door. Its not for everyone, yeah maybe talk to your EAP. Either way good to see you starting to take some action...

caleb76

I fought and struggled to control my drinking for years. It is way easier, so far, to completely abstain from alcohol than to pick and choose what, when and where I am going to drink.

This is part of the reason AA is so successful!

Best of luck to you.
Try AA, it works if you work it.

firestorm090

Pboy,

I'm glad you're still here and still posting. I've discovered that the people you meet, either online or in person while trying to find your own path of recovery are varied and some are a pain in the ass. I've lost more respect for people that I've met in recovery than I've gained. That's ok. it has not changed my desire to seek a better way of living the one and only life I know I have to live.

I've fought recovery with every thing I've got. I refuse to listen, I think I am different, I think I can outsmart my alcoholism, but the truth is the truth. As I've heard in the circles of recoveries, alcohol is no respecter of persons, it will kill you the same as it will kill me. Nothing personal, it is what it is. That's where our personal problem lies, we think we can beat alcohol, which is really a chemical concoction that alters the way we think. It is a drug, the same as other drugs, which means it changes the way we think once we choose to consume it. We can try to control it till hell freezes over, but hell will still be there long after we are gone. That's why I'm responding to you personally tonight. I've been where you are and I know the outcome of unchecked alcoholism, it is not a pretty sight. It is hell. You can click off your computer, but what I'm telling you is real, you can't click it off. I am you and I don't care how much you wish to think otherwise, the truth is I've tried every avenue available to not be a drunk.....and I failed. I see myself in so many of your words, so many of your hopes, so many of your dreams, but I've not been able to accomplish what you seek , nor do I strongly suspect will you.

Please, from the bottom of my heart, with all the sincerity a person can possibly muster for another human being, please don't end up like me. Hell is a nice word in comparison to where I've been and it's all in my attempts to overcome alcohol. It does not work for drunks like me and maybe for you too.

By the way, I still have more money than I need, I still have a nice home, I still have alot of material possessions, but its my soul that I now look for. That's the biggest loss.

caleb76

I plan on being around people and having a great time for this Superbowl! I will also do it with people that don't need to drink. Most people don't drink to have social times. There are tons of people to hang out with if you want to remain sober.

verity29

Never worked for me. Same equation every time 1 drink = 1 drunk. Once I finally stopped struggling it was a massive relief but I do understand why you're trying to do what you are.
Quitting alcohol can be tremendously hard at times but I found the frustration and failure of trying to moderate doubly so...

Pboy

To be totally honest I still haven't relinquished the fantasy of being able to manage my drinking better. I haven't touched a drop since my last "goof up", and luckily I'm apparently not in trouble at work.

I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic.

Since my college days (I'm nearly 50 now) I typically binged on the weekend but never drank every day.

In the last couple of years since losing my father my weekend binges also started spilling (no pun intended) into a couple of weekdays too ... resulting in missing more days at work, hence my greatest concern.

I know beer, wine, or spirits can do an equal amount of damage, but if I chose not to abstain doesn't anyone agree that bringing a single bottle of wine home would likely be much less detrimental than hanging out with friends drinking hard alcohol and doing shots in a bar environment?

Gypsy Feet

Hard to say. Maybe after the one you want more, jump behind the wheel to go score. Only you can know what is detrimental to you.

One thing I do know is for many of us, the longer we continued drinking, the worse our problem got.

littlefish

Well no one here can tell you if you're an alcoholic or not. At the risk of repeating someone else who may have already mentioned this on this thread, you can take online tests to determine if you are in the category of alcoholic.

There is a difference IMHO between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic. A heavy drinker can take a drink or five and get a happy, social, relaxed feeling.

On the other hand, between that first and fifth drink, an alcoholic will experience the magical feeling that their emotional pain, psychological or life issues have vanished. For most of us, that empty hole in our soul is filled, and, at last we feel "okay". This incredible transformation doesn't happen to normies. They have a couple of drinks, feel a little giggly and relaxed, but they don't feel like they have been repaired.

As many have said here: it is not how much you drink, but what happens to you when you drink.

Pboy

Strike 2

My wine/spritzer plan didn't work out so well either.

Turned into another hard alcohol night and missed work day

findingout

For alcoholics, plans which include alcohol tend to not work out so well.

Every attempt I ever made to control, moderate, cut back, or slow down failed. All of them were well intentioned and many them were serious, but I failed every time. In the end, I gave up the idea of ever proving I wasn't an alcoholic by drinking and accepted the fact that when I drink, things will go badly, no matter how determined I am to control it this time. For me, having alcohol in my body replaces my desire to drink less with a desire to drink more. Once the alcohol is in my body, the whole rationalization and denial machine starts running at full steam and I can always find an excuse or create a reason for having just one more.

I believe each alcoholic has to find this out for themselves. Thanks for sharing the results of your experiment.

c49

Thanks for sharing! Your honesty is appreciated and keep trying...

CarolD

Hmm....alcoholic or not.....
seems to me you are edgeing on being fired.
Can you afford to live without a job?

Finding new jobs is often difficult as you grow older.
Especially as your last refference will not be good.

Perhaps you might want to consider why drinking is so
important to you? Have you thought of counseling?
Maybe a group that deals with grief over the death
of a loved one?

No need to reply to me....I really have no idea of your
circumstances. Merely offering suggestions.

BTW ...I quit drinking at 52 and Yes I got fired
for missing work at 48. These last 20 years
of AA recovery have been fantastic.....

Pboy

No, I'm nearly 50.

Getting fired wouldn't be very nice at this point.