how to put resentments behind you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Japan
Posts: 71
how to put resentments behind you?
Hi,
I have a real problem with holding on to resentments. A Catholic priest who I did step 5 with suggested I pray for those people whom I still am angry towards and wish the best for them (or the same things I would want for my family). I have been prarying for those people (especially the people at the workplace I got fired from 18 months ago) for about 10 months now. Some days I don't think about these people and feel pretty relaxed while others I don't. Any advice would be appreciated. One other thing this Catholic priest suggested I do, which I did, was to burn the step 4 inventory listing all these people as kind of a symbolic rite of closure...
Patk
I have a real problem with holding on to resentments. A Catholic priest who I did step 5 with suggested I pray for those people whom I still am angry towards and wish the best for them (or the same things I would want for my family). I have been prarying for those people (especially the people at the workplace I got fired from 18 months ago) for about 10 months now. Some days I don't think about these people and feel pretty relaxed while others I don't. Any advice would be appreciated. One other thing this Catholic priest suggested I do, which I did, was to burn the step 4 inventory listing all these people as kind of a symbolic rite of closure...
Patk
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I burnt mine rather ceremoniously, as well....
although, considering the confessions in some of our fourths...
it's more a PRUDENT measure than a ritualistic one!
LOL!
get rid of the evidence kind of thing!
Yeah, I've been practicing the praying for the person stuff too
what ever.....
*sigh*
and I'm still waiting for a result as well.
So this isn't a post to tell you how to do it
it's to let you know you're not the only one who has problems with it.
although, considering the confessions in some of our fourths...
it's more a PRUDENT measure than a ritualistic one!
LOL!
get rid of the evidence kind of thing!
Yeah, I've been practicing the praying for the person stuff too
what ever.....
*sigh*
and I'm still waiting for a result as well.
So this isn't a post to tell you how to do it
it's to let you know you're not the only one who has problems with it.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
If I recall, you don't have a sponsor? First, I would find one and ask him to take you through the steps--beginning with the first step. A fourth step written without the necessary reliance upon a Power greater than us sets us up for a rehashing and reinforcement of our resentments and all those other "damaged or unsalable goods." By the time I wrote my fourth step, I could see the benefit to me--that it would move me towards becoming a human being who could be helpful to others. It was no longer about just not drinking. It was about living, and living in service to the God of my understanding and other human beings.
So, as you posted a few days ago that you were beginning again in sobriety, how about giving yourself, your wife, your child, your present and future employers a gift and find someone who can help you? The best way I know to find a sponsor is to go to a meeting.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
So, as you posted a few days ago that you were beginning again in sobriety, how about giving yourself, your wife, your child, your present and future employers a gift and find someone who can help you? The best way I know to find a sponsor is to go to a meeting.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Have you worked step nine yet?
6 and 7 ?
Also, step five states admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs something frequently overlooked when doing the steps with someone outside AA
Once I learned it's all my part, it's literally impossible to hang onto a resentment for long, at some point, getting faster over the years I say to myself this is a sick person RUN!!!!!!!
When I am Gandhi I will achieve "How can I be helpful" but I'll take run for today
I found it difficult to hold on to resentments when faced with such a laundry list of stupidity, lust, greed, pride, avarice etc as I found in my fifth step, especially after doing a thorough six and seven, and found them utterly impossible to hang onto after a thorough ninth step.
Personally, I have burned my fourth step before but I have now learned to hang onto it since it's my eighth step
When I let go of the very character defect I have a resentment about I no longer have that resentment.
6 and 7 ?
Also, step five states admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs something frequently overlooked when doing the steps with someone outside AA
Once I learned it's all my part, it's literally impossible to hang onto a resentment for long, at some point, getting faster over the years I say to myself this is a sick person RUN!!!!!!!
When I am Gandhi I will achieve "How can I be helpful" but I'll take run for today
I found it difficult to hold on to resentments when faced with such a laundry list of stupidity, lust, greed, pride, avarice etc as I found in my fifth step, especially after doing a thorough six and seven, and found them utterly impossible to hang onto after a thorough ninth step.
Personally, I have burned my fourth step before but I have now learned to hang onto it since it's my eighth step
When I let go of the very character defect I have a resentment about I no longer have that resentment.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
My sponsor taught me to handle resentments by asking myself what my role is in the situation. I always had a role, and it usually contributed to the resentment. By focusing on my role and exorsizing that, the resentment somehow always seemed less significant. The he suggested that I ask myself the question "In the grand scheme of the universe, is this all that important? It ten years/months/ days will it even be remembered?" This method has been my mainstay in handling resentments. You might want to give it a try.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Costa Mesa, CA
Posts: 27
Similar to joedris, my sponsor tells me to change my behavior regarding my role in a resentment. If it's an expectation, which most of my resentments stem from, I try to just expect little out of people. Then, I get less resentful and more grateful when good is done to me. Don't know if that makes sense, but hope it helps regardless. Peace and love.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 652
You should do what you think helps.
If praying for these people is a good thing for you, do it.
Or try to put it behind you, look ahead, and know there is nothing you can do about was has happened.
But it is not easy.
Wish you the best.
If praying for these people is a good thing for you, do it.
Or try to put it behind you, look ahead, and know there is nothing you can do about was has happened.
But it is not easy.
Wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Methuen, MA
Posts: 99
It seems that once you let go of a resentment, especially a huge one, the rest become easier. I now find that if a long-forgotten, never-resolved resentment pops into mind, I don't even resent it anymore... :-)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
I see that you put this in the "Alcoholism" sub rather than the "12 Step" subforum so I'll refrain from giving any A.A. advice, but rather give you my experience in this matter in a general way using spiritual principles... as that's the only approach that I've found effective with resentments.
I'd also agree that joedris hit the nail on the head here. If I resent somebody, I think I'm right in the matter and they are wrong. If I truly am 100% right and they are 100% wrong and will not change their behaviour, then it's pretty simple... I chose to no longer interact with such a sick person.
But it's my experience that I can see your flaws easier than I can see my own. If you don't look at your part in this, you're likely to get yourself into this mess again down the road. That's why I recommend you do not burn your "inventory."
Ok... I'm going to reference an A.A. concept here only because you brought it up in the OP; I don't think you ought to take that priest's advice. Your inventory may "hold the key to your future."
If you don't find your part in a thing, then you are a victim. Look at my tagline below... Victims don't get to stay sober.
So this resentment you hold... the one that others suggest you can pray away... inventory away... try to psychotherapy away... just don't seem to be that easy to shake. Maybe if you truly realized that it is standing between you and your God... you might find a way to get past it.
If you are going to go the route of the prayer treatment, did you pray for these people for 2 weeks straight? That's another suggestion from one of the stories in the back of that book. I've used it myself with some success. And if none of that works, thrust yourself the harder into helping others.
That's a few pieces of "advice" that I have on the matter. Hope it goes well for you.
I'd also agree that joedris hit the nail on the head here. If I resent somebody, I think I'm right in the matter and they are wrong. If I truly am 100% right and they are 100% wrong and will not change their behaviour, then it's pretty simple... I chose to no longer interact with such a sick person.
But it's my experience that I can see your flaws easier than I can see my own. If you don't look at your part in this, you're likely to get yourself into this mess again down the road. That's why I recommend you do not burn your "inventory."
Ok... I'm going to reference an A.A. concept here only because you brought it up in the OP; I don't think you ought to take that priest's advice. Your inventory may "hold the key to your future."If you don't find your part in a thing, then you are a victim. Look at my tagline below... Victims don't get to stay sober.
So this resentment you hold... the one that others suggest you can pray away... inventory away... try to psychotherapy away... just don't seem to be that easy to shake. Maybe if you truly realized that it is standing between you and your God... you might find a way to get past it.
If you are going to go the route of the prayer treatment, did you pray for these people for 2 weeks straight? That's another suggestion from one of the stories in the back of that book. I've used it myself with some success. And if none of that works, thrust yourself the harder into helping others.
That's a few pieces of "advice" that I have on the matter. Hope it goes well for you.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,889
Somehow just 'letting go' seems to work for me. I cant explain how it works other to say I see where my resentment keeps me away from being joyful with peace of mind. I guess it comes down for me as: do I want peace of mind or do I want a disturber mind. I see the choice is really mine.
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
Quoted from another thread,
10-21-2009, 07:33 AM un/underemployment leading me to relapse
Hi,
I am having a tough time staying sober. I was up until yeterday evening 3 months sober, but I got so depressed and discouraged about my current employment situation I drank. I am a teacher and have currently only 8 hours/week of work. I don't expect this schedule to improve for at least 5 months since the hiring period in Japan is in April. I last worked full-time in March 2008 when I was fired. After I was let go I did not work for about one year and since April of this year have been teaching about 7 hours. My wife is supportive and tells me not to worry about work too much, but I get really down about it. I find it difficult to remain positive. I do pray every day, try to work the steps ( I am at step 8, cannot move onto step 9 since an ammend involves a debt, which I cannot address until I secure full-time work), and try to exercise, meditate...
I would love to hear from others who are experiencing similar situations and how they cope?
Patk
Why not keep first things first?? Stop drinking and stay stopped one day at a time.
10-21-2009, 07:33 AM un/underemployment leading me to relapse
Hi,
I am having a tough time staying sober. I was up until yeterday evening 3 months sober, but I got so depressed and discouraged about my current employment situation I drank. I am a teacher and have currently only 8 hours/week of work. I don't expect this schedule to improve for at least 5 months since the hiring period in Japan is in April. I last worked full-time in March 2008 when I was fired. After I was let go I did not work for about one year and since April of this year have been teaching about 7 hours. My wife is supportive and tells me not to worry about work too much, but I get really down about it. I find it difficult to remain positive. I do pray every day, try to work the steps ( I am at step 8, cannot move onto step 9 since an ammend involves a debt, which I cannot address until I secure full-time work), and try to exercise, meditate...
I would love to hear from others who are experiencing similar situations and how they cope?
Patk
Why not keep first things first?? Stop drinking and stay stopped one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,486
My guess is the nature of your resentment would be your role in getting fired.
My understanding of step work is that it works when not drinking/drugging.
Just about anyone I know who benefits from a 12 step approach to recovery has done so without using in between steps. If I were to drink alcohol, my sponsor would have me start my step work over at step 1.
Peace,
Missy
My understanding of step work is that it works when not drinking/drugging.
Just about anyone I know who benefits from a 12 step approach to recovery has done so without using in between steps. If I were to drink alcohol, my sponsor would have me start my step work over at step 1.
Peace,
Missy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Missybuns 
My guess is the nature of your resentment would be your role in getting fired.
My understanding of step work is that it works when not drinking/drugging.
Just about anyone I know who benefits from a 12 step approach to recovery has done so without using in between steps. If I were to drink alcohol, my sponsor would have me start my step work over at step 1.
Peace,
Missy
My understanding of step work is that it works when not drinking/drugging.
Just about anyone I know who benefits from a 12 step approach to recovery has done so without using in between steps. If I were to drink alcohol, my sponsor would have me start my step work over at step 1.
Peace,
Missy
dammit
The only person I personally know of who's sponsor let him get away with that was Dr Bob, he worked step nine on day one, but then Bill always was kind of a softy, they did stuff weird back then, 12 stepped each other when drinking etc
seemed to work
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
It seems to me praying for people for 10 months is long enough. To a certain extent your just reminding your self of your resentment every time you do this. The problem here as I see it is your prayers are focused on them but the resentment belongs to you, it's yours not theirs. Your resentment is imprisoning you not them. It is blocking you not them.
You mention your Catholic priest so I want to share a favorite quote of mine from well known Catholic that helps me with letting go of resentments.
"In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
Mother Teresa.
That is the part I remember when resentments begin to arise in me. Here is the full quote.
"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self centred;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you;
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating others could destroy overnight;
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will be often forgotten;
Do good anyway
Give the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
By Mother Teresa
I also agree with Zencat, resentments mess with my peace and serenity. I would rather be happy then right comes to mind.
You mention your Catholic priest so I want to share a favorite quote of mine from well known Catholic that helps me with letting go of resentments.
"In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
Mother Teresa.
That is the part I remember when resentments begin to arise in me. Here is the full quote.
"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self centred;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you;
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating others could destroy overnight;
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will be often forgotten;
Do good anyway
Give the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
By Mother Teresa
I also agree with Zencat, resentments mess with my peace and serenity. I would rather be happy then right comes to mind.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Japan
Posts: 71
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all the answers and advice. Yes, I have tried the praying for two weeks straight idea. It helped a little. Unfortunately I seem to experience the problem one member wrote about where praying for those who I still resent just seems to reactivate painful memories and thoughts. I do take a lot of responsibility for getting fired from my last job. In the two years I worked there I drank no more than 2-3 times. I was on anit-depressants and seeing a therapist, so I thought I was doing the personal work I needed to. I did attend about 10 AA meetings. I am angry and ex-coworkers who seemed to consider me a leper after I was fired. I am angry at my supervisors. I admit the mistakes I made, but had thought I deserved some kind of campassion...Yeah, I screwed up. The really big thing that feeds the guilt and anger is how I let my wife and, then 1-year old daughter, down by getting fired and having to leave the country. It still stings to think about it...
Pat
Thanks for all the answers and advice. Yes, I have tried the praying for two weeks straight idea. It helped a little. Unfortunately I seem to experience the problem one member wrote about where praying for those who I still resent just seems to reactivate painful memories and thoughts. I do take a lot of responsibility for getting fired from my last job. In the two years I worked there I drank no more than 2-3 times. I was on anit-depressants and seeing a therapist, so I thought I was doing the personal work I needed to. I did attend about 10 AA meetings. I am angry and ex-coworkers who seemed to consider me a leper after I was fired. I am angry at my supervisors. I admit the mistakes I made, but had thought I deserved some kind of campassion...Yeah, I screwed up. The really big thing that feeds the guilt and anger is how I let my wife and, then 1-year old daughter, down by getting fired and having to leave the country. It still stings to think about it...
Pat
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Patk-
I was fired from my last alcohol serving job as well.
As far as *I* am concerned - that man saved my life.
I owe him a far greater debt than to just take himto lunch
and make an amends.
maybe it needs to be looked at in a different way...
far as I can see - the same that was done for me
has just happened for you as well?
I was fired from my last alcohol serving job as well.
As far as *I* am concerned - that man saved my life.
I owe him a far greater debt than to just take himto lunch
and make an amends.
maybe it needs to be looked at in a different way...
far as I can see - the same that was done for me
has just happened for you as well?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
