Very Worried !
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
The delusion that someday everything would be fine and I would somehow enjoy my life in the suburbs with my wife and 2.2 kids kept me drinking. As long as I honestly believed this to be true I could drink all I wanted. I had visions of taking the kids to little league and swimming lessons and even taking the Cocker Spaniel to the groomer. The visions I had were atonishing
The difference between "Denial" and "Delusion is that we honestly believe the delusion. All of the things I had thought would happen didn't and I found myself alone. There was no wife and kids anymore. No house in the burbs, no baseball or little league no dog. There was nothing. The only thing I could call my own was this rediculous delusion that kept me drinking and thinking that things would be OK someday. I still had this fantasy life in my mind. Dammit, the voices kept calling me to them but I couldn't go because the alcohol was holding me back. Only an alcoholic could understand the chains that keep us from freedom and peace. Only after you finally realize what the problem is.
Truth is that you're not going to be fine someday. No this is not a bad dream.
I know this because you're hearing the same voices that we all hear and you're still chained up by the same thing that we were all shackled by.
The difference between "Denial" and "Delusion is that we honestly believe the delusion. All of the things I had thought would happen didn't and I found myself alone. There was no wife and kids anymore. No house in the burbs, no baseball or little league no dog. There was nothing. The only thing I could call my own was this rediculous delusion that kept me drinking and thinking that things would be OK someday. I still had this fantasy life in my mind. Dammit, the voices kept calling me to them but I couldn't go because the alcohol was holding me back. Only an alcoholic could understand the chains that keep us from freedom and peace. Only after you finally realize what the problem is.
Truth is that you're not going to be fine someday. No this is not a bad dream.
I know this because you're hearing the same voices that we all hear and you're still chained up by the same thing that we were all shackled by.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: peterborough Cambs U.K
Posts: 172
i used to get itchy skin too, and my face used to feel like it was on fire, it had to be alcohol related as since stopping all those scary symptoms have gone, i stopped drinking in time before it killed me, i instictively knew my alcoholic career was coming to an end, and i was going to die soon if i didnt stop drinking, i pray you will stop too, sobriety does take effort but its better than dying of liver failure which is a horrible way to go.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
I've read the big book a billion times over & its done nothing at all!!
The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals usually brief were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
So reading books doesn't make it easy, attending meetings doesn't make it easy either. Some golden words will never roll off someones tongue to alleviate your drinking and slinging slogans at each other doesn't work either.
Maybe scare tactics will work. Sorry, you can't scare the phenomonon of craving that the Doctor talks about and you can't reason with it either.
So let's just stare it down. Can't do that either. Alcoholism doesn't blink.
There you have it. You're on your own.
Of course God and a Fellowship of sober friends will always be there in AA when you're ready.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 612
Waterface: 3 days is not enough time to get through the anxiety feeling. I only have 15 days, and I remember that it took about 5-7 days for me to be feeling good -- like in normal, sober good -- where I could exercise and eat normally. I know it is extremely hard. I credit this website a lot with helping me these past 2 weeks. I read of others experiences, like yours, and it keeps the memories fresh of how I felt the mornings after. Please try and give sobriety a few more days in a row. It might make the difference. In particular, if you are trying to start a great new relationship it might make all the difference in the world. My husband is not an alcoholic but does like his beer. He has stopped completely since I stopped. I really give him a lot of credit. He is one of those people that can drink "normally" but at the present time chooses not to to be supportive of me. If you get serious with this woman, I strongly suggest you be completely open about your issues. I am pretty sure she will react the same as my husband. All the best to you!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Hi All
I had 4 days last week & am on day 2 this week. I get scared when i see things on tv about things happening & it does inspire me!
I know i drink now less than i did this time last year as my liver test & ultrasound came back bad then & yet now my liver function test has come back ok this time.
I guess when the word 'progressive' is spoke of, it means that in the long term it will get worse!
I am going to try to give it more days in a row!
I hate that when i get to day 4 i do feel better, but need to stop celebrating my days off with a beer & the mindset that 'hey, you can do it, you showed, have a beer'!
Yes, this person in my life i can't feel like the need to drink around! I want to not look forward to going to the pub after we meet!, like its a sordid secret!
Nobody has ever understood my anxiety/drinking issues, they have all come between a relationship, even when i stopped, anxiety messed things up. My ex would never stop drinking for me or have nights off.
Yes Pinkuda, some of that hits home, not all but some!
I had 4 days last week & am on day 2 this week. I get scared when i see things on tv about things happening & it does inspire me!
I know i drink now less than i did this time last year as my liver test & ultrasound came back bad then & yet now my liver function test has come back ok this time.
I guess when the word 'progressive' is spoke of, it means that in the long term it will get worse!
I am going to try to give it more days in a row!
I hate that when i get to day 4 i do feel better, but need to stop celebrating my days off with a beer & the mindset that 'hey, you can do it, you showed, have a beer'!
Yes, this person in my life i can't feel like the need to drink around! I want to not look forward to going to the pub after we meet!, like its a sordid secret!
Nobody has ever understood my anxiety/drinking issues, they have all come between a relationship, even when i stopped, anxiety messed things up. My ex would never stop drinking for me or have nights off.
Yes Pinkuda, some of that hits home, not all but some!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
I've read the big book a billion times over & its done nothing at all!! I even read it when slurping out of a jack daniels bottle
If i read my car manual and dont get my hands dirty guess what.......its still in a heap on the floor.
In that book is a suggested program of action....in the form of 12 steps.....
I'm not keen on catch phrases but i do like...if nothing happens..nothing happens..
i went to endless meetings...waiting to get beamed up into a world of chocolate and marshmallows.
that didn't happen............what did happen was i was approached by a guy that had recovered from alcoholism.
he became my sponsor.........and he enlightened me on the elephant in the room id missed.......a program of action in the form of 12 steps.
the key to my locked mind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
I like 'if nothing happens..nothing happens', like i need to keep this up through the stress!! to get somewhere!
Its feeling hard! Its day 4.
I'm argumentative, i feel like kicking the dog! I argued last night with my partner, just because i felt like it, like i was in self pity & wanted to push her as far as i could.. It was over nothing, i kept on & on fueling the argument!! & actually enjoying it!!
Is this what happens?
& yet after just 4 days, physically, i feel less flabby, less anxious to a degree, not sweaty or toxic & kind of euphoric!!
I know if i have a drink, i will be back to day 1 & feel ****!, i just hope the temptation of being in town after a productive day won't be too strong!
I have a cold which i want to get worse so i will want to go to be = no productive day = not want a drink!
Its feeling hard! Its day 4.
I'm argumentative, i feel like kicking the dog! I argued last night with my partner, just because i felt like it, like i was in self pity & wanted to push her as far as i could.. It was over nothing, i kept on & on fueling the argument!! & actually enjoying it!!
Is this what happens?
& yet after just 4 days, physically, i feel less flabby, less anxious to a degree, not sweaty or toxic & kind of euphoric!!
I know if i have a drink, i will be back to day 1 & feel ****!, i just hope the temptation of being in town after a productive day won't be too strong!
I have a cold which i want to get worse so i will want to go to be = no productive day = not want a drink!
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
gravity wrote: That is so true. I did want to stop, but I didn't know how!
As far as reading the big book more than once and still not getting anything out of it, that is not unusual.
I first read it the first weekend after I started AA. I skipped the entire first part and only read the stories, more or less for entertainment.
Then, I read the first part but absorbed very little. I also sat in meetings listening to pages being read from the BB and it went in one ear and out the other. Sometimes I didn't listen.
It wasn't until I started working the steps with a sponsor that I began to understand how to use the book. It is not so much a book in the usual sense, but more of a study guide; the way to use it is to delve into, quite deeply, often sentence by sentence, along with discussion and help from a sponsor or at special step meetings.
Now, I am starting to read it again, and it surprises me how much I missed.
Also, you might check out XA speakers, the website. There are lots and lots of speakers who cover the BB and the steps.
I would have to say you sound like me two years ago when I started thinking about quitting: I was mostly concerned about my physical health. When I did quit, started AA, and therapy, I realized my physical health was the least of my worries: my mental and emotional health was a mess. And I thought it was a mess because of alcohol. Now I realize I used alcohol to try and treat my emotional problems. There were and are still there, but I am learning what to do about them instead of using alcohol to "treat" the condition.
See, I knew that I needed to stop but I did not know how.
As far as reading the big book more than once and still not getting anything out of it, that is not unusual.
I first read it the first weekend after I started AA. I skipped the entire first part and only read the stories, more or less for entertainment.
Then, I read the first part but absorbed very little. I also sat in meetings listening to pages being read from the BB and it went in one ear and out the other. Sometimes I didn't listen.
It wasn't until I started working the steps with a sponsor that I began to understand how to use the book. It is not so much a book in the usual sense, but more of a study guide; the way to use it is to delve into, quite deeply, often sentence by sentence, along with discussion and help from a sponsor or at special step meetings.
Now, I am starting to read it again, and it surprises me how much I missed.
Also, you might check out XA speakers, the website. There are lots and lots of speakers who cover the BB and the steps.
I would have to say you sound like me two years ago when I started thinking about quitting: I was mostly concerned about my physical health. When I did quit, started AA, and therapy, I realized my physical health was the least of my worries: my mental and emotional health was a mess. And I thought it was a mess because of alcohol. Now I realize I used alcohol to try and treat my emotional problems. There were and are still there, but I am learning what to do about them instead of using alcohol to "treat" the condition.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
I'm on day 2 again, this week it will be of 5! I'm getting to the stage where i'm not enjoying my 2-3 days on & i can see them fizzling out!
I'm having to keep myself withdrawn from society because if i go into the city at this time of year, the xmas markets, meeting friends etc, its too much.
I get out of bed at midday, eat to try & fill me, then workout, then eat again, then go for run, then fail to sleep until 3am. Hating the world, moody, aggressive & bored!
I see my therapist psychoanalyst tomorrow, then i'm in the city. I know i can't drink as i need to lose weight for a sports demo on friday, but other days after that & my school reunion on Saturday, in town, in bars!!
I just hope the boredom of drinking my 2-3 days carries on & the sober time increases.
I drink far less now than i did last year, so thats good!
I'm having to keep myself withdrawn from society because if i go into the city at this time of year, the xmas markets, meeting friends etc, its too much.
I get out of bed at midday, eat to try & fill me, then workout, then eat again, then go for run, then fail to sleep until 3am. Hating the world, moody, aggressive & bored!
I see my therapist psychoanalyst tomorrow, then i'm in the city. I know i can't drink as i need to lose weight for a sports demo on friday, but other days after that & my school reunion on Saturday, in town, in bars!!
I just hope the boredom of drinking my 2-3 days carries on & the sober time increases.
I drink far less now than i did last year, so thats good!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Day 4 again & now i feel hammered! I so loved the 4 days i had! I felt claen & god, yet so craved my days Drinking, i so wish i didn't!
I feel so terrible now & i know last night at this time i wasn't drinking, i felt good!, so why do i feel so strong that i want a drink when i felt so good after 4 days without!
I'm so depressed now & can hardly focus to write & yet i drank to congratulate myself that i had 4 days off!
I feel like crying & just want so much to feel good & not want to congratulate myself when i feel good by not drinking for 3 days or 4!
Please help me!! I so crave drink when i have great days without, it grows & grows the longer it goes!!
I feel so terrible now & i know last night at this time i wasn't drinking, i felt good!, so why do i feel so strong that i want a drink when i felt so good after 4 days without!
I'm so depressed now & can hardly focus to write & yet i drank to congratulate myself that i had 4 days off!
I feel like crying & just want so much to feel good & not want to congratulate myself when i feel good by not drinking for 3 days or 4!
Please help me!! I so crave drink when i have great days without, it grows & grows the longer it goes!!
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
The Ugly head of Alcoholism still has its teeth in me but I am trying to slowly back out. I am trying to taper off the beers and then jump. I am holding to my goals but not sure what will happen when I pull the plug for good. This morning at work was difficult, I felt very anxious and couldn't stop thinking about it. I woke up around 3 last night and never got back to sleep. Later, I felt a little better but I know I can't go cold turkey just yet as I may have a dangerous withdrawal. I have to hold on a few more days at a reduced rate and then try to pull the plug for good.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
For me getting sober and off drugs was a huge gesture of self-love to me and it just sort of came back to reward me this week in a big way. I would write out a list of things you like about your self and your life, print it out, put it somewhere you can see it everyday. It will serve as a reminder of what you could lose, or are losing, by drinking. You have the strength and willpower to stay sober, just believe in yourself!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by waterface 
I guess associating with like minded people is the score!, i have been to AA before, but i got nothing from it & went to the pub after!! I guess i felt like i'd had an hour or so with people, as in a good feeling & i rewarded myself with , oo' lets go for a beer!
I just feel so lonely in life & drink is all i have that makes me happy! I know all you say is right, i know i'll feel better if i stop in the long run, but i just don't know what to think!
As Joederis says, i know what life can be like without, i know the good i'd feel, the happiness of simple things & the lack of anxiety, but i i get drawn towards it all the time! I so want to be able to say no & have a good life abstinent! Is that a start?, i love my days sober, i get all the agitation & wish i could keep it up, i just fall back so easily! jeez!
I just feel so lonely in life & drink is all i have that makes me happy! I know all you say is right, i know i'll feel better if i stop in the long run, but i just don't know what to think!
As Joederis says, i know what life can be like without, i know the good i'd feel, the happiness of simple things & the lack of anxiety, but i i get drawn towards it all the time! I so want to be able to say no & have a good life abstinent! Is that a start?, i love my days sober, i get all the agitation & wish i could keep it up, i just fall back so easily! jeez!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
I feel i have nothing to lose, thats the problem! I don't have anything apart from being alive! & nothing at the moment i can think of that i want more than getting wasted!
I know i think if i was told that i was seriously ill, i would stop! I'm just so easily stressed no matter how many times i see my analyst, no matter how long i go running for!
I've even been wanting to get away from a girl i been seeing in order to relax & drink!, but i don't feel relaxed, just more anxious, but i still do it!
Its such a vicious circle that i drink when i'm in a bad place, to numb myself from issues around me, to drinking when i feel happy & have had a successful day at my job or something!
The days off seem to drag & seem a lifetime, but the days on seem to go so fast!
Its getting harder & harder, the days off are shortening although i know i feel better the longer it gets!
I know i think if i was told that i was seriously ill, i would stop! I'm just so easily stressed no matter how many times i see my analyst, no matter how long i go running for!
I've even been wanting to get away from a girl i been seeing in order to relax & drink!, but i don't feel relaxed, just more anxious, but i still do it!
Its such a vicious circle that i drink when i'm in a bad place, to numb myself from issues around me, to drinking when i feel happy & have had a successful day at my job or something!
The days off seem to drag & seem a lifetime, but the days on seem to go so fast!
Its getting harder & harder, the days off are shortening although i know i feel better the longer it gets!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by waterface
I feel i have nothing to lose, thats the problem! I don't have anything apart from being alive! & nothing at the moment i can think of that i want more than getting wasted!
I know i think if i was told that i was seriously ill, i would stop! I'm just so easily stressed no matter how many times i see my analyst, no matter how long i go running for!
I've even been wanting to get away from a girl i been seeing in order to relax & drink!, but i don't feel relaxed, just more anxious, but i still do it!
Its such a vicious circle that i drink when i'm in a bad place, to numb myself from issues around me, to drinking when i feel happy & have had a successful day at my job or something!
The days off seem to drag & seem a lifetime, but the days on seem to go so fast!
Its getting harder & harder, the days off are shortening although i know i feel better the longer it gets!
I know i think if i was told that i was seriously ill, i would stop! I'm just so easily stressed no matter how many times i see my analyst, no matter how long i go running for!
I've even been wanting to get away from a girl i been seeing in order to relax & drink!, but i don't feel relaxed, just more anxious, but i still do it!
Its such a vicious circle that i drink when i'm in a bad place, to numb myself from issues around me, to drinking when i feel happy & have had a successful day at my job or something!
The days off seem to drag & seem a lifetime, but the days on seem to go so fast!
Its getting harder & harder, the days off are shortening although i know i feel better the longer it gets!
You have been seeing a girl, but all you can think about is getting wasted?
Waterface, you could lose your job, your girl, your life.
Do you not discuss your issues that you wish to numb with your analyst?
(okay, dumb question, does analyst mean psychiatrist?)
Have you told your analyst about your drinking to escape or celebrate?
I hope you get some help, no matter who, what, or where, but when is definitely now.
Please dont give 20 years of your life to drinking before you get help like i did.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
On Friday i went to the NHS walk in centre at my local hospital. I told the physician about my pain & that my doctor said it was anxiety, yet i have fatty liver.
The physician examined me, took a urine test for kidneys, examined me & said there was no swelling & was pleased that i had cut down to drinking only 3 days a week.
My liver isn't swollen & has a good shape to it, but i should take it easy, but it is the silly season & that most people including herself will be over indulging!
I was drinking everyday, now its 3-4 days off & she said that its good & things will improve!
I never get any withdrawl symptoms as i've read here, no shaking, vomiting, bed sweats etc, i just find it hard to sleep. I just feel better the days i go without but the craving for a drink increases but because of my craving & abstinence, i then reward!
The physician examined me, took a urine test for kidneys, examined me & said there was no swelling & was pleased that i had cut down to drinking only 3 days a week.
My liver isn't swollen & has a good shape to it, but i should take it easy, but it is the silly season & that most people including herself will be over indulging!
I was drinking everyday, now its 3-4 days off & she said that its good & things will improve!
I never get any withdrawl symptoms as i've read here, no shaking, vomiting, bed sweats etc, i just find it hard to sleep. I just feel better the days i go without but the craving for a drink increases but because of my craving & abstinence, i then reward!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by waterface
I was drinking everyday, now its 3-4 days off & she said that its good & things will improve!
So, are you an alcoholic? If, when you honestly want to, do you find you can not quit drinking entirely? And entirely means entirely. Or, if when drinking, do you find you have little control over the amount you take?
I hear the frustration in your posts of feeling good with a few days not drinking, and then the remorse over rewarding yourself.
Is it possible that you are not rewarding yourself, but instead caught up in a mental obsession? That maybe you have no choice but to drink?
Is it possible that your otherwise rational mind is delusional when it comes to booze? That maybe the idea that you reward yourself is a lie? Just like I believed the lie that I drank because I was bored, or deserved it, or she made me mad, or I need to relax, or any number of hundreds of lies I believed at one time?
If you meet the criteria I posted for being an alcoholic, you may not be able to trust what your mind tells you about why you drink.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Well they haven't gotten worse thats for sure!, this time last year i was heavy on the spirits & drinking daily! Now i'm just drinking 4 out of 7!
But, i find it impossible to give up totally, maybe i haven't reached that far yet!
But, i can moderate in a night! I can have a bottle of wine when at home & leave it at that, but when i'm in town, its a few pints in pubs then a few shots & wine at home. But i never drink until totally obliterated & always eat when i stop as cooking & drinking always go hand in hand!
The worst thing for me, is that i have put it before my girlfriend & use it to relieve stress of what life creates for me, whether it be from family, relationships or just lonely boredom.
Yes Keith, i feel i am caught up in a habit & mental obsession, like ok, its 5pm, i'm in town, so its pub time, sometime when i'm actually feeling ok & know i'd feel better without!, but i think, what the hell, escape for a few hours & a few pints will surely put me in the mood to carry on!
Yes, i think its all a lie that i'm rewarding myself, for what, a day doing something instead of sat on my ass!
I have always thought that i drink to anesthatise my lonelyness & boredom, yet when i'm busy, i find time to drink after i finished being busy! I'm stumped.
Today i was adamant i wouldn't drink, then i got angry with something, that i felt so low & thought what the heck & drank. I now feel terrible.
But, i find it impossible to give up totally, maybe i haven't reached that far yet!
But, i can moderate in a night! I can have a bottle of wine when at home & leave it at that, but when i'm in town, its a few pints in pubs then a few shots & wine at home. But i never drink until totally obliterated & always eat when i stop as cooking & drinking always go hand in hand!
The worst thing for me, is that i have put it before my girlfriend & use it to relieve stress of what life creates for me, whether it be from family, relationships or just lonely boredom.
Yes Keith, i feel i am caught up in a habit & mental obsession, like ok, its 5pm, i'm in town, so its pub time, sometime when i'm actually feeling ok & know i'd feel better without!, but i think, what the hell, escape for a few hours & a few pints will surely put me in the mood to carry on!
Yes, i think its all a lie that i'm rewarding myself, for what, a day doing something instead of sat on my ass!
I have always thought that i drink to anesthatise my lonelyness & boredom, yet when i'm busy, i find time to drink after i finished being busy! I'm stumped.
Today i was adamant i wouldn't drink, then i got angry with something, that i felt so low & thought what the heck & drank. I now feel terrible.
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