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Living with sobriety

Old 10-10-2009, 04:10 PM
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Living with sobriety

Hi,

I had been six months sober. I attended AA meetings at the start but felt I was doing OK on my own after a bit. I didn't feel I was getting a lot out of the meetings. Most in my group were End Stage alcoholics. I was more "cant stop when I start" drinker. But there is no doubt I have a problem with alcohol as when I drank had such blackouts and my behavior when under the influence nearly ended my marriage.

I have taken up runnng, quit smoking and am doing well at work. My marriage is better since I stopped. Day to day life is good.

Tonight was my 32nd birthday and I went for dinner at a fancy restaurant with my husband. I used to have wine with my meals and tonight I became fixated with the fact I couldn't do that now. Then I felt really angry. I told my husband before we went out that I was feeling like a drink tonight.

I am due to attend a party with him next week. Typically there is a lot of drinking at these parties. They are drinking parties disguised as business functions. I told my husband I was worried about how I'd cope at this as I was drinking last time I was there and he said "make whatever excuse you like, I will be drinking". I got so angry because of what he'd said and because of the way I was already feeling that we ended up having a huge row.

It culminated in my husband telling me he had the moral high ground in our relationship and I had no-one to blame but myself for that. I did a lot of things I am not proud of when I drank but I really have been trying my best this last 6 months.

The thing is, folks, am I going to spend the rest of my life feeling like this? It is better than the way I felt after my drunks but I am frightened to socialize where there is drink. There is such a drinking culture in Ireland that you are almost treated like a pariah if you do not imbibe alcohol at social functions.

After tonight I feel I have reached the end of my rope and am really feeling sorry for myself. I am afraid I will drink again..I am afraid to drink. I am afraid.
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Old 10-10-2009, 05:25 PM
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I think you should go back to AA meetings. It will get you back to where you started. I have also been sober just over 6 months. Right at my 6 month anniversary I almost drank. I'm still not sure exactly why, but I didn't drink. If your husband still drinks, he can't understand.
When I was drinking, I always said"one of these days I'll quit" like there was nothing to it.(I knew better in reality) but I was kidding myself. I think alcohol makes you do that,and your husband might not be thinking about just how hard this is.
I don't pretend to know how it is in Ireland, but by reputation, I can understand how it could be very difficult.
I just think you are going through a rough time, and need to hang in there. In a few days your urge to relapse will pass. But I would get back to AA.
Just my 2 cents.
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Old 10-10-2009, 05:59 PM
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Hi! I remember a business function when I had 2 months sober. Scared the crap out of me. But seriously, I was much more worried about it than anyone else at the function. They just didn't care, so long as they had their drink.

Since then, I have attended many of those functions...sometimes the odor of wine just hangs in the air.

It does get easier. But I agree with the previous poster, go back to AA...or find a different meeting. Handling things like that is much better with support.

Good luck, and stick close to SR.
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Old 10-10-2009, 07:55 PM
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Let's see if I have this right. You have a disease called alcoholism and you're to blame for that? And since having a disease is your fault your husband has the high moral ground? This isn't the type of thing we get from dirty needles! It appears that your husband doesn't know a damn thing about what you're going through.

I would suggest you get back to your meetings immediately. You can't do this alone. You need the support of others, people who have been through what you're going through now. Please don't think that by going to AA for six months your problem is solved. You may begin to feel better, but in that short a period of time you haven't even begun to solve anything. And look around, there has to be another AA group within an acceptable distance that isn't made up of end stage drunks.

And as for the party, I would tell people that I'm on a new medication that doesn't allow me to drink. If they pressed the issue I'd say it was for blood pressure or something. They lost interest quickly and accepted the fact that I couldn't drink.
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Old 10-11-2009, 06:00 AM
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Prayers coming your way for clarity during this difficult time.
Belated :day2

I've been AA committed for many years....when I started
my formal Step work I consider I shifted from sobriety to recovery.

About drinking again....I suggest you read the final paragraph
on page 43 in our book Alcoholics Anonymous
For resentments /anger ...page 552.

Here is an on going thread you might want to read/join

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-19-a.html

Blessings to you and your husband
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Old 10-11-2009, 06:22 AM
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Verity...it is ok to be afraid...it is a natural response when you feel you might be in harms way. For me personally I avoided situations where drinking occurred for the first year of my sobriety...I knew I would not drink but the days before and after an event made me uncomfortable. We all have growing pains in sobriety...we have to learn to live a new life and it sometimes includes unkind remarks from people whom we have hurt. It has taken me 2 years to finally be able to walk into a party or event that is centered around drinking and be comfortable being a non drinking participant...it takes time but it does come. I would suggest when you go and someone offers you a drink just say that you would just like to start off with a soda...once you have a beverage in your hand people tend to not ask if you want a drink. Stay strong and be proud of all you have accomplished...you quit drinking, smoking and are now running...that is amazing in 6 months...you are powerful...remain that way!!
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Old 10-11-2009, 06:40 AM
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Hi verity29,

Yes living in Ireland and its drink culture can be difficult but things are slowely changing. Yesterday I sat in a cafe in Ireland with 8 people. all members of alcoholics anonymous ages ranged from late 20's early 30's to late 40's. we had lunch together and not a drink in sight, but I bet if you came across us you might wonder about that at times, the laughter was so loud .

I thought everyone drank or drank to get drunk when I was active and in early sobriety ...... but in actual fact it was the people I hung out with. There are a lot of people who are not alcoholic and dont drink.....but they would not have interested me before so I didnt follow there circles, that has changed for me.

Verity29, you need to get back to AA. Find a meeting that suits you, get numbers and share whats really going on! The reason you feel alone with this is because your going it alone and you are not getting identification......its very common what you are going through. Its important to keep the focus on yourself and not your hubby. You are getting sober for you ....not him. 6 months is a great achievment but only another alcoholic know just what an achievment this is........one day is an achievment.

I had been six months sober. I attended AA meetings at the start but felt I was doing OK on my own after a bit. I didn't feel I was getting a lot out of the meetings. Most in my group were End Stage alcoholics. I was more "cant stop when I start" drinker.
all end stage alcoholics are cant stop when I start!! Try to identify instead of comparing.

take a womans number and use it.

PM me if you like!
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Old 10-11-2009, 06:50 AM
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Thanks you all. I really felt I was coming apart last night. I even got undressed for bed and then got dressed again vowing to go out. I didn't though because deep down I knew I would have to face reality again in the morning and I am not so long sober that I can't remember what that was like after a binge.

I feel a little better having read your posts. I was in such a state that my husband called an AA member to call to the house. Feel embarrassed at this but know it will help in the end. I used to be an outgoing, sociable person (or maybe I just imagined I was). I just can't seem to manage it sober.
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Old 10-11-2009, 07:18 AM
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hang in there. thanks for pm and please use it anytime x
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Old 10-11-2009, 07:52 AM
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verity, when I feel that way I try to stop and remember all the reasons why I quit.

1. shame, guilt and hangover in the mornings
2. really cranky with kids and husband , anxiety and depression from the alcohol.
3. life revolving around 4:00 glass of wine
4. not liking the intoxicated person I turned into.
5. hating the lie I was living with trying to hide my drinking.
6. waking up remembering the "weird" conversations with my teenage daughter and feeling like a failure as a mother.

Then , when I really think about the one drink I think I want I know I really want four and I want to escape and not feel and just get drunk..... and I can't do that anymore!

hang in there
julie
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Old 10-11-2009, 08:28 AM
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You can manage it sober. Alcohol is telling you you can't.
Yes when you quit there is bound to be a big empty spot, but this is normal, we all go through it. If you are like me, my life revolved around alcohol. And to stop abruptly was a MAJOR change in everything I do. And alcohol still has his foot in the door, and is trying to shove it back open. All we have to do is shove it closed. Drinking is not an option.
I think a lot of my problem the last time I almost drank, was I (or alcohol) had some how convinced myself that drinking was an option. I started reading the 4th step 12&12, and since then, I have it straight in my mind again.
Drinking just isn't an option, so I might as well just forget about it.
Fred
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Old 10-11-2009, 01:46 PM
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Originally Posted by verity29
The thing is, folks, am I going to spend the rest of my life feeling like this?
No, it gets easier.
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Old 10-11-2009, 02:29 PM
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Hi Verity 20! You will feel weak and so tempted putting yourself in compromising situations towards the beginning of your sobriety. At almost 6 years clean, I'm usually ok when people are drinking around me...but I'm still aware of the times I feel weak, so I keep myself out of those situations. That's what helps me the most...knowing my weaknesses and and learning to recognize them and keep myself safe from them. Protecting your sobriety is more important than going to a stinking party and having to pretend that you have some other illness...learn to just say no.:ghug3
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Old 10-11-2009, 04:03 PM
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It does get easier, but we have to maintain our sobriety.

I like what Nelco said ... sometimes it is who we hang out with.

I completely disagree with what your husband said, but also know that he can't really understand .. so don't focus on it too much - rather just ask him to help you achieve your goal of not drinking.
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Old 10-11-2009, 04:11 PM
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I wouldn't attend the party. People, places & things, right?
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Old 10-11-2009, 04:51 PM
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Verity29

You just might be what they call a 'Dry Drunk'. There is SOOO much more to life. The path of AA showed me they way.

To be honest I didn't grow up wanting to be in AA, I mean who in their right mind wants to be in AA.

The thing is we have a disease, and we must do what we need to do to keep it from killing us one way or another.

It took me about a year before I was really able to attend parties etc. I always made sure my cup was filled with coke and kept it in my hand. Now it is Mt.Dew... LOL

A beautiful life is there IF you take the action.

I know I feel it everyday.
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Old 10-11-2009, 11:00 PM
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Originally Posted by verity29 View Post
The thing is, folks, am I going to spend the rest of my life feeling like this?...I am frightened to socialize where there is drink. There is such a drinking culture in Ireland that you are almost treated like a pariah if you do not imbibe alcohol at social functions.
No you won't always feel this way. It probably feels like you will. I always feel like every feeling I have will last forever but none of them ever do. However, I pretty much was the same as you. I avoided parties and social events like the plague in the beginning. I would get angry over wine and stuff like you did at dinner. But all that has passed. I go to weddings. I go to bars very rarely if I have to and I barely think about the drinking thing (I mean I do but not in a me vs. them type way like why do they get to do it and why do I not). Now, I feel lucky not to and grateful. I used to be really social too before I quit drinking. Then first six months of sobriety I was a hermit and scared of people. Now I am sort of back to my normal, which is who I really am, not who I am drunk, who is a social person but not overly social like I used to be. I mean now I can do parties, I don't mind, but if it is a party where everyone is boozing or if it gets to the hour at the wedding where everyone is wasted and looking to hookup I am going to bed with the "grown-ups". But I don't mind sitting at the table with the wasted people during dinner, it can be sort of fun. This is a long winded response to it does change. I actually think those feelings at the table is really good because it is sort of like a mourning of alcohol— I really had to do it. Why not get angry that you can't have it anymore? Get it out. Feel it. One day, for me it was probably around month 7 or 8 or even 9 acceptance set in and then it was a lot better. Also if you don't have to go to the party don't go. Do you know how many times I have been "sick" this year? Ha.

Good luck. Oh, and I didn't do AA but I am in one-on-one therapy.....
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Old 10-11-2009, 11:13 PM
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Originally Posted by sfgirl View Post
I actually think those feelings at the table is really good because it is sort of like a mourning of alcohol— I really had to do it. Why not get angry that you can't have it anymore? Get it out. Feel it.
Never thought of it that way... I like that, thanks.
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Old 10-11-2009, 11:36 PM
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My family and extended family are all HUGE drinkers - I used to jokingly call them "Alcoholics Unanimous," although now that I'm sober that's not so funny anymore. At first it was weird being at social events and being the only guy without a beer or whatever, now it's no big deal. It definitely gets better, but I think you have to meet it half way, if that makes sense - for me there was more to it than just "not drinking," there's physical and spiritual healing that I needed to work on, too. Once that started happening, everything got a lot easier.
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Old 10-12-2009, 07:03 AM
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It gets easier. Your drinking history sounds a lot like mine. I quit after many stupid and embarassing episodes, and a scary blackout.

For me, the first year or so was the worse. I had a long and storied history of drinking to put behind me, and lots of "friends" who expected me to drink. I noticed the real friends didn't care, and a lot of people don't drink as much as I thought they did.

I found it helpful to think of alcohol like one of those guys you date who was a lot of fun, but bad for you. You just gotta break up for good. When I had (or I guess have, could happen again) those moment when I think a glass of wine on the patio sounds good, I acknowledge that as the voice of the addiction, and tell it to screw itself.

The last thing I do is acknowledge that there is only one drink I can control, and that is the next one, which I will NOT have.

Just one woman's way of dealing with it.

You made the right decision to break up with alcohol. I broke 6 years ago, and my only regret is that I didn't quit sooner.
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