summerwind

Hi everyone, I've been reading this forum for a long time and have tried to quit drinking many times. In fact I've been on a 2 week binge as of right now and tried to quit 14 times during that time. This is the most hideous addiction anybody can imagine. I have never felt so much shame, embarressment,. etc...I feel completely powerless. Yet, my willingness to quit has gotten very strong. Today I will not drink. Mpr(sorry, I hope I got that right) you are my inspiration right now. I'm trying to do this without AA or any outside help, except my anti-depressant, and valium at the moment. I have asked my dr for help, yet continued to drink. I went as long as 10 days without a drink, felt better then I had in years, yet that urge took over one day and I was back at the bottom of the bottle. I started drinking in January 2006, I'm in my 40's. I'm absolutely disgusted at how I destroyed my once fit body, and I can't even imagine what I did to the inside. I'm ready, I'm done drinking, and I plan to use this forum to help me. I enjoy hearing other's stories and feeling like I'm not alone. So, hello again to you all, I'm happy to be here.

biravatch65

Welcome!!

Is there any particular reason why you're trying to do this without AA or any other form of outside help?

Astro

Welcome, summerwind! None of us are hopeless, recovery is possible. I'm 45, sober since 2005 after 27 years of almost daily drinking. You can do this, I hope you'll keep reading and sharing, and think about a plan for your recovery.

summerwind

I guess my main reason for not going to AA or any other face-to-face group is that I'm painfully shy and I have extreme social anxiety. Being around too many people is actually a trigger for me, that actually got me drinking in the first place. I just really don't feel like it would help me. I've tried therapy, but have discontinued, due to no health insurance and I didn't feel like that was helping me either. I went to my therapy session wanting to drink and left with the same urge to drink, I couldn't figure out how the session was helping me, I felt no better, no less urge to drink. In fact, once I felt worse (therapist drudged up some old wounds...) and I went home and drank. ;O( Can anybody tell me if therapy helped them to quit, and if so, how do you know if the therapist is even "good"? I liked her, but nothing that happened in my therapy sessions lessoned my urge to drink. Alcoholism is in my family, I don't even like to remember my childhood. My parents both died very young, my brother was killed in a DUI crash and my sis has done time for DUI. I'm scared right now, this addiction is terrifying me, and I think I finally want to quit more than I want to drink. I do hard liquor, been doing a pint a day. I actually check my eyes in the mirror every morning to see if they're yellow. It's insanity and yet I keep doing it. Thank-you for responding.

Astro

I come from a family of hard-drinking alcoholics, I'm also a loner and an isolator, I liked to drink at home, it was cheaper and I could hide my condition pretty well.

I tried to quit many times by myself, the only thing that eventually worked for me was AA, but you've already said you'd prefer to do without. Just speaking for myself, I wanted sobriety so badly that I was willing to do anything, even try AA. In spite of my shyness and social anxieties, I've always felt welcomed in the rooms of recovery.

In early recovery I had to see a therapist as part of my IOP program. After a few visits and being prescribed an SSRI for depression and anxiety, he suggested I quit wasting his time and my money, and do what made me happiest and worked. That was AA meetings, and the 12 Steps of AA.

Mark75

I go to therapy right now because I have to, I 'd just as soon not... It's OK, but it doesn't work for me.

Hey, I get the social anxiety thing and I won't push AA on you, BUT... you owe it to yourself to read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous... It's awesome and best of all it offers such a message of HOPE, which, as I can tell you desperately need right now. Although you can get it at meetings, the major book stores all have them, the title is simply Alcoholics Anonymous... You can also find it online, just google "Big Book Online", although, IMHO, it's best to sit down with a real book...

There is hope summerwind... I'm 52 and just started this journey a year ago... It gets better... Toss that shame, you are not alone.

BTW, like your screen name... after the Sinatra song?? One of my fav's.

Mark

Sikkisirus

Welcome to SR Summerwind

summerwind

Thank-you all for the replies, and advice. I will be picking up the Big Book tomorrow. I thought I had to go to AA to get one. I'm edgy and aggitated tonight, but I'm sober. I'm feeling depressed, but hopeful. I want sobriety desperately, and I know I need to try harder. There are so many days I tried to talk myself out of drinking and all I could think was, if I want a drink this bad today, how bad will the urge be tomorrow? So, what's the sense if I'm just going to drink tomorrow anyway? It's been a losing game for me. I've made up every excuse in the book for drinking. I started out drinking a few times a week, then it became daily (nights only, kids in bed, and after 8:00), then it got earlier and earlier in the day I'd start, and at my worst I was "buzzing" most of the day, every day, kids were in school. That craziness finally stopped and I went back to 2-3 times a week for a couple years. I always thought I could "control" it, and I did sometimes.....for a little while. But that's just it, it's only for a little while, if you're an alcoholic, it will ALWAYS come back, full force and with a vengeance. ;O( The past year, I was drinking anywhere from 2-5 times a week, than escalating once again to daily for weeks now. Even the weeks I only drank twice, it's always to excess on those nights. After seeing my Dr, being put on an anti-depressant, which did help my moods (she thinks I'm pre-menopausel too, fun) and valium, which helped the anxiety, then I started therapy.... And I still couldn't stop the drinking for long. I was a mess emotionally when I finally went for help, I cried through most of the Dr visit, and stupidly enough I just hoped I could get a magic pill to cure me. There had to be something to make me well again, and make the curse go away. Well, after a couple months I felt like the meds, the Dr, the therapist, they all let me down, why wasn't I sober yet? I was mad. But every day now when I look in the mirror I realize I am letting myself down. It's up to me, people and meds can HELP, but it all comes down to me, I have to DO the work. I have to make the decision not to drink. And it's so damn hard, the urge to drink is overwhelming. I know all this now, I just so badly want the strength and willpower to get sober finally, and get my life back. And I'm going to try again. I may just wind up in an AA meeting, it helps to feel I'm not alone, and I'm not crazy, and others have been there, and got through it, and recovered. Thank-you all again for being there, I appreciate it.

Mark75

Check out a women's meeting, that may help you feel less uncomfortable. We are all pullin' for you. Don't think about tomorrow and whether you will drink. Just don't drink, just for today... tomorrow you can worry about.... tomorrow

Welcome to SR

Mark

Nevertheless

Welcome to SR
I am very shy also. But I go to AA. I am 49 and drank over 30 years. I don't think (I know) I couldn't quit by myself. In AA I see other people trying to do the same thing.(Stay sober). You can't worry about staying sober tomorrow, you have to think about NOW. A long journey starts with only one step. All along the way is just one step. All you have to think about is THIS step,the step you are taking. To stay sober.
Fred

Clutch B

Hey glad you're here!

I'm shy too (I was especially shy when I was drinking and trying to get sober).

My first experience with sobriety was finding this forum and reading the Big Book online. (It's on AA's website at Big Book Online Fourth Edition )

Eventually I went to my first meeting, because I knew I needed help staying sober.

The shyness got better and going to AA meetings helped with that.

Glad you're here and I hope you keep posting.

Virch

Welcome Summerwind! You are among friends going through the same hell. I drank for 40 years. I drank whenever a crisis arose...a temporary band aid on the pain that was still there when I woke. My drinking escalated to ridiculous binge proportions when my wife announced our split. I was hospitalized and really should be dead. It was the end for me...no more. I too suffered from terrible social anxiety. Alcohol robs you of so much. Be strong take it one day at a time. I feel fantastic after only 3 weeks sober...a totally different person. YOU CAN DO IT!....and we're here for you.

CarolD

Ever since I read your user name...I've been singing
Both Bobby Darren and Sinatra used it often.
It's a favorite of mine....

I'm really glad you decided to share with us.
Welcome

You asked about therapy
When I was diagnosed with situational depression
my doctor suggested AA. Rather quickly my depression
began to lift By the end of 2 sber months it vanished
and has not returned. I've required no more meds or therapy.

Obviously this is not true for everyone but it may be for you.

BTW.....while you are at the bookstore please see if
they have either
:Under The Influence" by Milam & Ketcham
"Beyond The Influence" by Ketcham & ???

Amazon.com usually has both
The information in "Under" convinced me to finally quit.
Here are some excerpts....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Forward we go side by side.....

Zencat

A part of my addiction treatment includes psychiatric treatment for GAD (anxiety) among other psychiatric conditions. So I understand the difficulties of being in rooms with people. I had to gradually expose myself to AA meetings in order to be calm enough in them to stay. When I first started I could only manage to stay in an AA meeting for just a few minuets before my anxiety became so overwhelming I became ill with anxiety symptoms.

But after continuing to go to meetings I was able to stay longer after repeated attempts. I still have days where the anxiety symptoms cause me to take a short break during the meeting. I go outside to calm down a bit and then return to the meeting. The real therapeutic value I find in meetings is the fellowship of one alcoholics helping another alcoholic.

summerwind

Thank you all for the support and sharing your experiences. I woke up this morning with that wonderful "feel good" feeling that I hadn't had in weeks. You know that peaceful feeling of a good night's sleep, alert and ready to start the day? I love that. So that's certainly insentive to stay sober. It's Friday and it's a trigger day for me. I've probally only had a few sober weekends in 3 1/2 years. But I have nothing in the house, thankfully my husband does not drink at all. (and never really saw my drinking as a problem, I suppose because I was always a "happy drunk"). Anyway, about the depression, when I was put on the antidepressant and valium, I quit drinking cold turkey, lasted 10 days. My depression had lifted, I felt none, I actually felt good, peaceful, for the first time in years, almost too soon for the antidepressant to have that effect, so I'm pretty convinced that my depression is caused by the drinking....But, for whatever reason, the addiction taking over again I guess, I wanted to drink badly one day, and I did, and I was right back living the nightmare. ;O( I beleived for years that I just drank to change my mood (depression) when in reality it was the drinking causing that "mood". It's a vicious cycle. I so appreciate this board, and the support from all of you that have been there. Wish me luck tonight, it will be a long night, but I'm tired so maybe I'll just go bed early. That has worked for me in the past when I got that urge. Thank-you all again for the warm welcome.

CarolD

I agree.... my day goes smoother when I start
off with a positive outlook.
I guess I am now addicted to feeling healthy and serene.

I started a thread just now on this Forum about cravings.
Please do see if you can find something useful from my experiences.

Blessings to you and your family

NewMe11109

Summerwind -

Had you not stated that were shy, I never would have known. Your writing is excellent, you express your points well, etc.

So, you might think about whether you are concerned about reaching out to AA because you are shy or because of shame.

Shame is a very natural emotion for all of us in this early stage of sobriety. It is something that can prevent us from getting help.

I really liked the allergy concept of alcoholism to help me get over my shame. If you were born with an allergy to peanuts, would you feel shame? No, it would certainly be an annoyance and you wouldn't eat peanuts, but it wouldn't create the amount of shame that you feel over alcohol. But, how are they really different?

Your body processes alcohol in a way that is not like many other people, but it isn't something that you did, it is rather just a chemical difference in your body.

So, while it is easier said than done, don't blame yourself for this. Don't let your shame prevent you from meeting others just like you who are very interested in helping.

Call your local AA hotline and explain what you want and what your concerns are. They can help you.

Great first step! Well done!

Wolfchild

welcome back.

summerwind

I really appreciate all the support here, I want to use this forum to help me, yet I've let you all down already. I do admit, some of the reason for not walking into an AA meeting is shame. I realize we are all there for the same reason, but I just feel so alone, I would never take my husband with me (he's just too "proud" to support me in that kind of enviroment) I know he loves me but he comes from this wonderful, functional, very loving family/childhood, and he doesn't quite "get" the problem I have with alcohol. ;O( So, if I were to walk into an AA meeting, I would do it alone. With all my shyness, all my shame, my social anxiety, and even being new in this state, I feel like a foreigner sometimes. ;O( I can't quite get the courage, yet I really wish I could, because I hear so many great things about AA. I'm not really religious, my parents never brought me to church, I've been ONE time in my entire life, with a friend. I am not an athiest, I truly beleive in God, yet I don't think God can cure me of this horrible addition. I feel responsible to cure myself. I drank Saturday night, felt so defeated and ashamed, I couldn't post here due to that, I stayed sober Sunday, but then went out tonight to get something to drink, not a lot, but that darn urge got me again, and I'm feeling lower than low right now. ;O( It doesn't even have the same effect on me anymore. I buy very little sometimes, and in my entire drinking "career" I have never gone out for more after I'm "under the influence", thank God, and that was one of the ways I thought I was "controlling" it. I would just buy a half pint, whatever, and be happy with that. But, I already know even that is too much to do daily, my health/well-being will suffer, even on that. And if I have to "control" it at all, I know I have a problem. I guess tomorrow is another day to start again, and I realize, to expect change we need to do something different. My husband & I own a very social/"drinking" business and we closed this weekend. Normally during the Winter I'm very active, exercising, talking better care of myself, not excess drinking.....this is my time to Quit entirely. Stupidly, I ran out of my anti-depressant, Dr.'s office is closed, and I wound up experiencing withdrawals from that, the Effexor...so I drank to lesson those symptoms.....I find any reason. But, I did just buythe books "Under the Influence" and "Beyond the Influence" so I am reading them right now. Thank-you all for the support, I do appreciate it so much, please don't give up on me.

CarolD

(((SummerWind)))
Many of us had false starts on our way to sobriety.
I spent 4 years trying before I finally quit.

Here is the link I mentioned about Cravings
perhaps it will help you

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ghts-tips.html

Blessings to you and your husband....