NeverLookinBack

Hello everyone,

Today I had a slip up. I had 5 beers, and I started feeling proud that I stopped at that. Shortly after I drank, I thought I would try to "moderate" my drinking again, which I have tried many times before, and failed. I was thinking to myself: "you're not even an alcoholic, your making too much of all of this, you're only 22 years old anyways". So, to wake myself up out of this irrational thinking, I decided to write down what my alcoholism has done to me and my life:

I have crashed and totaled my cars, 4 different times, drunk.
I have been arrested for being drunk/possessing booze in public.
I have been involuntarily committed to the mental hospital 3 times, drunk.
I have lost girlfriends because of alcohol.
I have lost friends because of alcohol.
I have dropped out of college 3 different times because of my drinking.
I have had to medically detox from booze 5 different times in the last 4 years.
I have self injured when I was drunk.
I have become abusive to friends/family when I was drunk.
I have spent over 4 years of my life drinking heavily every day, trying to moderate and failing miserably, binging, or when I was sober, obsessing about alcohol.
I have put myself in scary, dangerous situations because of alcohol.
I have lost self respect for myself because of alcohol.
And I could go on....and this is just a 4 1/2 year span of drinking.

And to think that I was saying to myself: "hey, you really don't have a problem. You even stopped at 5 beers today! Go out tomorrow and get some more!". Indeed, I've done this before, and the "moderate" drinking usually about 2 days, and then I drink REALLY heavily and blackout, and usually end up doing very stupid and dangerous things. Writing this list down reassures me that me ever moderating alcohol is like trying to scale a 500 foot sheer cliff without falling off. There is a slim chance I will be able to do it, but if I make the wrong move, I will also fall to my death. Alcoholism is a slippery slope.

Has this type of thinking ever happened to anyone else? Did you ever think about/write down what alcohol has done to you? Did it help?

Writing this list down sent me back to reality.

Dee74

I drank all day every day every single day my health allowed for several years...and I still declared to anyone who listened that I 'wasn't that bad'...

For me, irrationality doesn't really cover it - sheer insanity.

Great idea to do a list NLB
D

ElegantlyWasted

Cunning, baffeling, mysterious..... I have experienced many of the items on your list and wish I had your insight at your age.... Humbly on day 64 this time.

ElegantlyWasted

Listwise I've
found counting scars on my body to be
helpful.....

NeverLookinBack

My plan is to go to law school after my undergraduate degree. I have come to the realization that I will never get admitted into the California State Bar until I quit alcohol for good. Also, if I don't quit, I may not even be alive to have that chance.

penny74

Sounds very familiar.
Lost my job, almost my house, wife,children and family. (and selfrespect)
Been to detox twice. ER twice. Almost got killed a few times.
But still think l can handle a beer sometimes.
Might work for a week or 8 months, but one day l will be back were l was and this time l might be less lucky.
Good that you saw this yourself.
Wish you luck.


Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble.
Sidney J. Harris

mumbai78

That is why I always spend time here with you guys. Helps me to constantly remind myself of where I was and where if I will end up if I don't take my recovery seriously.

In my experience , when I gave my recovery a break - I started to get these thoughts that maybe someday I will be able to drink like a normal person again. One of the first steps in a successfull reovery is to totally get rid of the thought that someday you will be able to take one drink. Unless you get rid of that thought you will never be able to move on and you recovery process will always be a stop-start process like mine has been.

tommyk

Sounds like you are back on track, stay sober, the rest of your life depends on it.

One suggestion... possibly change your thinking to accept full & 100% responsility for your actions:

"Today I had a slip up." = "Today I made the conscious, willing, knowing decision to drink alcohol."

There was no slip up, no accident... YOU chose to drink alcohol.

Then maybe work on WHY you decided to make the CHOICE to drink alcohol.

Relapse is a choice, and no one can make that choice for you.

Keep coming back.

CarolD

Yes I did find keeping a journal useful.

First page....what happened to me when I drank
2nd page....my goals as a non drinker.

Then I wrote nightly about whatever progress I was
making or where I was spinning my wheels.

I agree ...seeing it written made me quite aware
then I could work on improvements

ImReadyToQuit

Here we go again... DAY 1!!

I'm on hour 19... I guess the obsessing about alcohol has to be replaces by sobriety.. Its the only way our rewired brains our going to make it last.. I'd rather obsess about the time being sober...

keithj

That type of thinking was constant from the time I first tried to quit drinking until the time I got sober. I wrote down similar lists in outpatient treatment, counseling, and rehab. I wouldn't say it hurt, but it didn't help much either. I continued or returned to drinking every time.

IF you can reason your way out of drinking, more power to you. I could not. I am 100% convinced that my getting sober went beyond reason. Some kind of vast psychic shift was required for me.

That's your words from another thread. I'm not pulling that out to rub your face in it, or try any tough love, or force anything on you. I look at your list of bad consequences from drinking, and I can relate entirely. I have been exactly where you are, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It was completely irrational of me to continue drinking when I knew the inevitable outcome. But drink I did. I kept drinking and trying to reason my way out of drinking until I gave up the notion that I had the first clue of how to get sober.

Right now you are at a point where you think you know what will work. You said writing down that list brought you back to reality. Having done the same thing myself a few times, I say that those kinds of lists brought me back into comfort with my delusion. It gave me the illusion of control. It felt good to feel like I was handling things. And then I'd be drunk again within a few weeks.

When I gave up and looked at the facts, it was obvious that I did not know how to stay sober. So I asked someone who did and became willing to do what they had done.

shaun00

sure i wrote list.......endless lists ive only gotta peruse through my criminal record to get the gist of the consequences..

i recently worked with a newcomer.....with a long history of "more research"
he explained to me that he had done step one and produced a mile long list on the consequences of his drinking..

he stuck this list on his refrigarator.......and went drinking again...and again and again.
He....is much like me.....when the thought comes to drink.....it aint gonna matter whether its branded on my forehead what happened last time......because i will minamalize it......twist it........and not at times be able to remember it.

thats a pretty strange mental twist dont you think?........

i am powerless over alcohol.........i have no mental defence against the first drink.
so if im powerless......i gonna need a power......greater than me...cos "me" cant do the deal and stop for good.

works for me..

keithj

That's the business, trucker. I have this peculiar mental twist. IF I could play the tape all the way through, consider the pros and cons, choose the right action, make the rational decision, then I'd be fine. I wouldn't need anything else for recovery except rational thinking.

The rational idea is 'easily pushed aside' in favor of the drink. I was curiously insane when it came to drinking. And the problem with true insanity is, my insane mind could not recognize it. I had the delusion that I was in control. That I had power over it.

Which is great if one is able to not drink. But when one keeps turning up drunk believing that they have power over it, might want to see if that insane mind is really the solution to the problem.

mariechi

Scary. I'm on day 9 and feeling good and positive and knowing I cannot ever handle another drink, knowing I can't handle even a sip, feeling like I will never falter. But I was in that irrational, insane, blind as a bat cycle for a dozen years. I look back and ask, What was I thinking??? I try to explain to others what I was thinking. I can't let that happen again.

Scary

dsc

Great analogy..

TheSunAlsoRises

Hey neverlookingback...

It couldn't have hurt to have written down the list. I think I actually could go over mine again, it was a little general... I did it really early on in recovery insights continue daily--reminding me of different ways that the life I had was no good for me. All the best in restarting the journey...

tigers13

Hello NLB! In my first two treatment centers, I made lists...but it seems as soon as I got out, I rationalized everything away and decided I was strong enough to control my drinking, then I took back the control, and as I'm sure you know, everything went downhill from there. The 3rd, and last, treatment center I was in, yes I made lists, but I finally was able to let go of my addiction to God and leave it with him, learning that I was not strong enough to do it on my own. The list, well I never looked back on it, I was no longer in control and let my addiction go. Why didn't I need the lists anymore? Because the last time I really wanted to get sober...something I was only half hearted about the other times.

ImReadyToQuit

My list in non existant.. I've always been the careful drinker. Not sloppy, not mean, not irreverant.. It never got me in any criminal, social and personal problems...

If I could take a pill, and it would let me drink without having high blood pressure, panic attacks any other health problems, I would..

And this is coming from a 35 year old alcoholic thats been a binge drinker since 16...

Thing is, the reaper is waiting, and will be laughing at me... And I think the biggest list that I'll ever have, I won't be able to write. When I'm dead.. Thats when I will surely cause the most damage.

Charmie

ah, trucker and keith,,,hmmm,the mental twist,yeh,i was in a police cell one morning,i had been taken into custody for my own safety this time,they removed all the sharp objects from my house.the policemen were very nice to me and gave me a ride home (i lied and said i didnt have bus fare because that would get me home quicker to the booze) in my head,things werent that bad,,its ok i said,the police were very nice to me,i havnt given them that much trouble,just a bit of petrol cost,,,my mind told me things werent that bad,,things were to get worse,and still my head told me i would manage better,that things would get better,,blah blah blah.its all lies.in the end i couldnt regulate my drinking for 5 minutes,i had to have it and that was it.even with glass in hand and a kitchen full of booze i was obsessing about where the next drink after that was coming from,,,,on and on and on.a few years ago i could SOMETIMES limit my drinks if i was at work the next day etc,,but it didnt last long,,it just progressed.i tried on my own for years to get a handle on this thing,,every time beaten and demorilised,,EVERY TIME,,over a 20 yr period.at the begining of this year i surrendered.i shut my mouth and listened to the good folk in AA.what in the h£ll did i know??. absolutley nothing.my way had got me in the cr$p consistently all that time and i was sick and tired of it.i realised that i wanted to get well.and me,myself and i couldnt do that.im sure glad i dont have the obsession anymore.lifes good.....dont you fancy trying to be rid of that obsession?,,whether its thinking about the next drink whilst performing or writing lists,,trying to limit drinks,working out where you went wrong last time,,on and on and on.im glad im off the treadmill.you can get off it too if you really want it,,its free.i wish you well.

NeverLookinBack

Keithj,

Like i said before, I have nothing against AA, it's just not for me. I would like to put the subject of AA to rest because I feel like sometimes I put my foot in my mouth when it comes to AA, and I really don't want to offend anyone else. But your are right, I know what works and what does not work. I need to work that aspect of my sobriety. I see my psychologist today, who has helped me tremendously. He has worked for me better than any program, so I am going to stick with that. I have seen him for a whole year, and we have done some monumental work on my past/childhood/anxiety problems which have helped me realize why I drink and how I can work through these aspects to avoid any relapses. This year, I went from a daily, hard-core drinker to someone who has had a slip maybe once every month or so. I am not there yet, but I am seeing much progress and feel confident I can become sober for good. But, if I let my guard down and begin irrational thinking, I relapse. So I have to constantly work on relapse prevention. Again, Thanks for the good advice.

TommyK,
I totally agree with you. I guess saying I had a "slip-up" was a half-a$$ way of getting out of the real truth. I chose to drank. It was in my control. I will remember your advice the next time I feel a relapse coming on, it is in my control, when i'm sober, at least.

Trucker,

I too, realize that in time I may try to minimize what was on my list. I will rationalize what I have done and try to convince myself that it still wasn't that bad. If this happens, I must focus on what I want in life and how I want to get there.

My psychologist...who is a holistic type individual, has given me a method of visualization where I meditate and think of 2 rivers representing 2 life paths that I can walk down. One river leads into a sespool of vomit and alcohol, surrounded by dead plants and dying animals, the river is also winding down a slippery slope, where one slip will send you to the bottom...making it almost impossible to ever get back up, this is the river I walk down if I choose to drink. The other river is a clear, bubbling river, one that is surrounded by green grass, flowers, and my happy dog; the river meanders softly to a boat at the ocean,, waiting for me to sail into the sunset...representing where I want to be in my life. This is the river I walk down if I choose sobriety. I find that by practicing this method for a half hour or so, it not only relaxes me and slows down my breathign, but makes me see that if I want to become successful, raise a family, and be a proud, happy, sober individual, I must take the path of sobriety.

Many of you had some really thoughtful replies. I enjoyed reading about all your experiences. Thanks everyone for all your advice and experiences, I really appreciate them.