Parsifal88

I've been watching people die for over fifteen years. As a Critical-Care nurse I'm intimately involved with tragedy on a near-daily basis. Some days are better than others...but in the ICU, there are times when death and suffering hang in the air like some tangible, sickening mist... And there are times when this mist is yellow.

Yellow mist?

It's sort-of how i describe the atmosphere surrounding a dying alcoholic. An alcoholic hitting her lowest of lows...his final bottom...their poisoned, tortured end-point. Alcoholics dont visit the ICU unless they're very close to this last 'low'.

When an alcoholic dies from liver failure, they've likely been suffering for some time. I wont go into to details, as you're all likely aware of the how's-and-why's of this... but i'd like to paint a picture..an unfortunately not-uncommon picture...

The patient is bedridden, malnurished, and skeletal...aside from their protruding/swollen/fluid-filled abdomen...and many times swollen extremeties. They're confused and hallucinating...many times from DTs but by this point it's usually due to high ammonia from the failing liver. To treat the high ammonia levels we give drugs to induce (constant) diahhrea. It's the only way to bring the ammonia levels down... Of course these people are near-flourescent yellow...bright Yellow eyes...sunken, skeletal faces. ('skeletal' is a common theme here)...and of course the bleeding. Bleeding from near-everywhere. Swollen vericose-veins in their throats rupture...bleeding which much of the time cant be stopped...puking/choking blood...and, etc.

And they all die.

In a strange sickening yellow-haze...

I'm a bit pressed for time and was hoping to get a wee more in depth but i've got responsibilities

The last note i want to make, though,...is that after a shift in the ICU...even after taking care of a patient like i described... there are days i'll stop for a 1/2-pint of Vodka on the way home.

I'm an ICU nurse... and i think that

I'm an alcoholic.

shaun00

and i think youve made a start by coming here.

welcome to sr.........im real glad your with us and look foward to hearing from you again...

Sikkisirus

Welcome to SR

juliwuli

hi and welcome,

posts like this help me enormously by reminding me of the horrible death i had laying in wait for me, so thank you,

Parsifal88

Thanks for the welcome notes. I've been watching these boards for some time and i'm unsure of exactly why i've posted today.

I have only recently convinced myself that i likely have an alcohol problem. The whole reason i included my work-experience in my initial post is because it strikes me as border-line insane...in that i witness these people coming in, worry that i drink way too much, yet dont (am unable?) to stop....

Anyway, thanks again...

shaun00

i agree sounds insane dont it.

i turned my back on a wife...daughter......a home....loved ones..

to live on the streets and drink in peace........that sounds a bit twisted as well.

because of what you see every day i thought id tell you that it truly is possible to live life without the need or want to drink.....

take some time to read through some posts...newcomers...12 step support and alcoholism and see for yourself.

keep us posted.

yeahgr8

Welcome and please stick around...loved your post too, i think a lot of people assume that there is always time to 'fix' themselves. I guess you know a bit about all the other ways to die from alcoholism too that are not as obvious...pretty serious stuff really!

keithj

I have no way of knowing how bad your drinking problem is, but this really sums up the insanity common to alcoholism. Where is the good judgement and sound reasoning I exhibited in other areas of life? When it came to booze, I was extremely blind and delusional.

I was that guy vomitting and defecating blood, puking every morning. I knew that it was killing me, but it made no difference. Self-knowledge, fear, and willpower failed to keep me sober. I had crossed over that invisible line and spent years knowing I had a problem, but unable to conquer it. It kept getting worse, not better.

I recovered from that hopeless condition by having a spiritual awakening as the result of AA's 12 steps.

dsc

I don't know..

It's easy to read extreme cases of others who drink more than you do and think, "Hey I'm not so bad".

Perhaps after quitting for a few weeks or months, one can think "Well, I've proven I don't have a problem, so I should be good to moderate now".

Maybe you have had thoughts along these lines?

I certainly have in the past.

But moderation always led back to my previous usage patterns, so now I've accepted that I can't moderate and need to put it all behind me.

So far I've ~ 4.5 months under my belt..

Charmie

hello and welcome to sr.i thought your post was very good,thank you.sounds like what my dad looked a little like when alcoholism took him.i remember praying when i was a child asking that my mum and dad not be drunk that day when i got home from school.there was violence from my mum.i swore blind i was never going to turn out like them,i knew what happened to alcoholics either living or in death,,guess what? im alcoholic too and know all too well the insanity.i have recovered from this hopeless state of mind,thanks to the 12 step recovery programme of alcoholics anonymous.i was a hopeless helpless drunk that was so spiritually sick that everyone around me thought there was no hope and so did i.my life has turned around beyond belief in a very short time.i hope you decide to get some help before this gets worse.posting here is a very good start,i have found sr an invaluable tool in my recovery.i wish you well.please keep us posted.

LauraS

Thank you, and welcome to this forum!

CAPTAINZING2000

sickening !!!!


I'm avoiding doing anything harmful to my body today.


They do call it intoxicate for a reason.

least

Welcome to SR and thank you for stating it so plainly. If you think you have a problem with alcohol, you probably do. So glad you found us and joined the family. Lots of support and hope and experience here.

Latte

I belong to another message board and someone posted something similar once about a family member of theirs. The poster was not a drinker, but I remember thinking to myself, "I'm not that bad."

I am so grateful you are here. I have had several nurses in my meetings, one or two who work in the emergency room. You are not alone.

Keep coming back.

Astro

Welcome to SR, and thank you for sharing the chilling reality of alcoholic death. The denial is insane, isn't it? We're here to help and support, please stick around, you never know how many lives could be saved, including yours.

chrisinaustin

Poetically horrifying.

On the days you don't stop for the half-pint -- is it because you just didn't want to that day, or are those the times you've talked yourself out of it?

Wolfchild

Parsifal88

There are days i dont drink...whether because i talk myself out of it or because i have to be somewhere or because i feel like crap from the night before. But...i drink 3-4 nights a week on average and i drink until i'm intoxicated...which is at least 1/2 pint (or equivalent) these days.

Parsifal88

Yes. I've had (and have) those thoughts. Thank you for that. Maybe my demons arent so unique?

NEOMARXIST

Your demons certainly aren't unique!!! For that you can rest assured!! There are many like you in the rooms of AA and on the forum of SR and outthere still actively drinking.

The choice is ultimately yours. To do something about your drinking, which for me personally meant acceptance of total abstinance from alcohol and any other mind altering drug and going to AA meetings+lots and lots ofSR, or to carry on drinking and allowing the "problem" to escalate.