Lost my first post - trying again - Rehab 1st timer
Thank you L and L for your support and encouragment.
Thank you too BlessEwe. That first sentence is what I have to hold on to. You just made it very real by saying it back to me.
On the one hand, there is a very real and tangible feeling of pride in having gotten it off my chest and validating for my loved ones what they already knew.
On the other hand, I've just been selfish for too long and along with me they've suffered because of it. Do I really deseve a pat on the back?
I do need support and yes this is so f*cking hard but I'm still really, really torn between these two perspectives.
I have to do this though because no matter what else I do for my son as a loving parent, at the end of the day, if I look at my drinking with no BS all I can really say is that I don't want him to be like me ... and damn that hurts. (Almost want to cry writing that one sentence). I also don't want me to be this way anymore so I suppose that's a win-win, yes?
Very motivated to change that though and not make a liar out of his love for me or deep down the love I still have for myself.
..and I know I'm fortunate. Many people out there have no family. That's what really makes me 1/2 way get it that this (as you said) really isn't a trial run.
Again, thank you, thank you and thank you. Your compassion and honesty is saving my life right now and advancing my journey on giving my son his mother back (no lie, thank you). Please know that and take care of yourself too.
Thank you too BlessEwe. That first sentence is what I have to hold on to. You just made it very real by saying it back to me.
On the one hand, there is a very real and tangible feeling of pride in having gotten it off my chest and validating for my loved ones what they already knew.
On the other hand, I've just been selfish for too long and along with me they've suffered because of it. Do I really deseve a pat on the back?
I do need support and yes this is so f*cking hard but I'm still really, really torn between these two perspectives.
I have to do this though because no matter what else I do for my son as a loving parent, at the end of the day, if I look at my drinking with no BS all I can really say is that I don't want him to be like me ... and damn that hurts. (Almost want to cry writing that one sentence). I also don't want me to be this way anymore so I suppose that's a win-win, yes?
Very motivated to change that though and not make a liar out of his love for me or deep down the love I still have for myself.
..and I know I'm fortunate. Many people out there have no family. That's what really makes me 1/2 way get it that this (as you said) really isn't a trial run.
Again, thank you, thank you and thank you. Your compassion and honesty is saving my life right now and advancing my journey on giving my son his mother back (no lie, thank you). Please know that and take care of yourself too.
Last edited by circlesquared; 09-06-2009 at 12:23 AM. Reason: cuz' I can't spell sometimes
Hi Circle,
Congratulations on taking the crucial, hardest, first step! You should feel proud of yourself, just for having done that. In reading your last post I started to think about the first weeks of my own quit. You mentioned feeling badly about the fact that you had waited so long to take this step. This was a really huge problem for me, I can't tell you how terrible it was. I was constantly beating myself up for having "wasted my life", and feeling massive guilt over the fact that I had not really been there for the people who cared about me. Sometimes it would get so bad I would be tempted to just say "F*** it!" and give up. I would find myself thinking that after all of the damage I had done. that the situation was hopeless. Its never hopeless. I have found that no matter how bad things were, they got better once I stopped drinking. It really helped me to keep that in mind when my guilt and remorse started to get the best of me. I am not saying this is necessarily a problem for you personally, I just wanted to mention it as something to consider.
I hope everything is going well, and to hear more from you here soon!
~Chef
Congratulations on taking the crucial, hardest, first step! You should feel proud of yourself, just for having done that. In reading your last post I started to think about the first weeks of my own quit. You mentioned feeling badly about the fact that you had waited so long to take this step. This was a really huge problem for me, I can't tell you how terrible it was. I was constantly beating myself up for having "wasted my life", and feeling massive guilt over the fact that I had not really been there for the people who cared about me. Sometimes it would get so bad I would be tempted to just say "F*** it!" and give up. I would find myself thinking that after all of the damage I had done. that the situation was hopeless. Its never hopeless. I have found that no matter how bad things were, they got better once I stopped drinking. It really helped me to keep that in mind when my guilt and remorse started to get the best of me. I am not saying this is necessarily a problem for you personally, I just wanted to mention it as something to consider.
I hope everything is going well, and to hear more from you here soon!
~Chef
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