sunrise1

I know I'm going to get plenty of opinions on this one... lemme have it.

I have been looking locally for a female sponsor, and so far just haven't seen anyone I feel would be good for me. In my f2f meetings, many of the women are as new as I am, or I just don't feel I relate to them.

Some of you might remember my friend who lives halfway across the country... 25+ years sobriety and basically my hero. Keeps our same hours to boot. Also male.

My hubby and his wife (the 4 of us in other words) get along very well- there's no weirdness or jealousy on anyone's part.

So- is it still a bad idea?

Boleo

IMO males can be good sponsors for females if;

1. They have gone through all the steps and had a Spiritual Experience.
2. There is a big enough age or status difference to prevent a romance.
3. They leave step 5 for a clergyman, doctor or therapist.

Astro

Not necessarily. One of our female greeters on SR has a male sponsor, I'll PM her to take a look at your post. I think it's fine to have a sponsor of the opposite sex, as long as your motives for doing it are good. For myself, I need a male sponsor. Just being honest, it would be difficult for me to stay focused 100% on my recovery in the presence of a woman.

tripolii31

You can have more than one sponsor. Criterion for a sponsor (as I was told):
They have a sponsor
They have worked the steps
They have something you want (preferably sobriety)
It is suggested that they be of the same sex

I have had many sponsors and sponsored many people. Lives change for both you and your sponsor. Certainly would suggest starting with whomever u feel comfortable with, but finding more than one. There are probably 5th step items that u would not be comfortable sharing with member of opposite sex. It is my experience that men and women handle sobriety slightly differently (as with most things).

Freedom1990

I hail from a very small town, population approximately 3000. There have been periods of literally years where I was the only female in AA. I have had a male sponsor for the last 18 years. I met him shortly after I got sober the first time in 1986, and we became good friends.

I did have two female sponsors early on, but one passed away many years ago, and the other one left AA. After going out and drinking again after 4 years in the program, I had to find someone who had what I wanted in the program and would guide me through the steps.

He is happily married, and I also often talk to his wife when I have things I need to talk about.

He has absolutely been my rock of Gibraltar, and he is old school AA.

He celebrated 28 years of sobriety at our birthday night last night, and I celebrated 19 years.

I hope this helps!

Ago

I didn't relate to people with long term sobriety when I was new and looking for a sponsor either, turns out it wasn't a criteria for someone to lead me through the steps was whether I wanted to go hang out after work with them. Turns out those are the people I liked to drink with. After I worked the steps who I "related" to changed dramatically. Turns out I DID have a lot in common with my sponsor after all.

The answers you have received so far, in my opinion are entirely accurate in my opinion, I would just like to add that having a sponsor that is a friend of yours, is a male, and lives halfway across the country is three strikes against having him as a sponsor.

He sounds perfect for being a member of your support group however.

If you MUST get a male sponsor because there is no female that has successfully worked the steps in your AA community, that does happen, but anonymity is the spiritual foundation for all our traditions, to me that also extends to the sponsor/sponsee relationship, in order to have the required unconditional love for a sponsee there needs to be a certain detachment.

ie; when he starts pointing out some of the incredibly uncomfortable truths that the steps will reveal about you one of two things happen, he will hold back in order not to hurt you, or you will get a resentment against him and it will destroy your friendship. Sponsors have to tell THE TRUTH, and the truth often isn't pretty and it gags going down. If you attach to HIM rather then WHAT he is telling you your chances, which are already "less then average" (not very many alcoholics recover in the larger scheme of things) become exponentially less.

Friendships are rare and precious, why risk destroying this one? Get a local sponsor, work the steps, and go to him for support. I'm not saying that it CAN'T be done, I have sponsored men that I knew previous to AA, and when I was young my third sponsor was a woman with 25 years of sobriety, it's just a bad idea in my humble opinion for those reasons.

He is a friend
he is a he
he is a married he
you are a married she
He lives halfway across the country

All in all I just think it is not a great idea to have HIM as a sponsor, I think he would be great as a member of your support group, but that is just my opinion, and I wish you the best no matter what path you decide on.

Freedom1990

What's your personal experience with long-term sobriety and sponsoring a woman, Andrew?

I beg to differ on what I have put in bold in your quote, and I speak from personal experience.

I can't tell you how many times I hung up on my sponsor because he wouldn't let me sit on my pity pot, he didn't buy into my BS, and he told me to get my Big Book out.

You know what? I always simmered back down within a day or two, and saw where he was right. Today I am grateful he has never been afraid of hurting my feelings, and I have learned so much from him.

He knew I was going to drink again back in 1990, and he told me a good 3 months before I picked up the bottle again. I chose to toss his words aside.

He does not hold back with me, and vice versa. I also have no problem calling him on BS if he's slipping into old thinking/behaviors.

He has been 100% consistent in working the program for the 23 years I have known him. I have watched him grow in his life as he's watched me grow in mine. However, he sticks to basics and it's worked for him, and it's working for me.

Ago

I wrote what my experience is Freedom, it's not the same as yours, It's my experience that a sponsor/sponsee relationship does better when you don't have a friend sponsor you. Especially a friend of the opposite sex that lives half way across the country.

I didn't say don't get a male sponsor, I said why i thought having HIM as a sponsor wasn't a great idea.

It's just MY EXPERIENCE and thus MY OPINION and so doesn't always match YOUR EXPERIENCE, sorry you seem to have a problem with that. That is the purpose of the post clearly stated by the OP is to get different opinions, well we have different experience, thus a different opinion.

When my sponsor moved 3000 miles away I had to get a new one, but that's just me.

I also think that pulling parts of my quote out of context that paint an erroneous picture of what I was trying to say and not addressing my WHOLE post, which is the reasons I think HE is not a good idea for a sponsor is asinine, but that's ALSO just my opinion.

Freedom1990

Seriously, do you realize how circular you talk, Andrew? I suspect not. Oh well, call me asinine. I've certainly been called much worse!

Freedom1990

By the way, you never did answer my question about you having long-term sobriety and sponsoring a woman, and your experience with that.

Ago

I had success when I was sponsored by a woman with long term sobriety, but I was unsuccessful sponsoring a woman, as exactly what I described took place, I pointed out uncomfortable truths and it ruined our friendship.

I felt the question needed to be answered, but otherwise I have no interest in "engaging" with you Freedom, for me I am comfortable to have a different opinion then you, but you have had to attack me the last few times I posted something that you didn't agree with, I'm not really certain why that is but I have zero interest in arguing with you.

Bye

jamdls

I wasn't keen on the whole sponser thing when I first went to AA I didn't relate to any of the women that I met and in general I've never been one to have female friends. I tried but gave up and don't regret it at all. However, I realized the value of having a "sponser type relationship" and find it invaluable. My "sponser" lives half way across the country with one hours time difference, my "sponser" is a man with 25 yrs sobriety, my "sponser" also happens to be my father who I was estranged from for many years prior to getting sober. He and I never really had a father/daughter relationship largely because he was a drunk but we are now best friends. I think the value of a sponser is having someone you can talk with about anything, who understands life before and after alcohol, someone who can relate to all the changes we go through in learning to live sober. I don't think the sex of the person should matter at all especially when it is not F2F.

Freedom1990

Sunrise, I would also like to add that I have taken all of my 5th steps with females.

CarolD

Well...
long distant sponsorship did not work for the 3
women I tried to sponsor.

I never have had a male sponsor but I did have
a man sponsee. We had no sexual attraction....
not friends...but office mates.
When I re-located he connected to a male sponsor.
We 3 are still sober ...years later...

How about a compromise? Start useing your friend
as a temp sponsor and keep actively looking locally.

Good to see you sharing again....

Sugah

Preface: Prior to getting sober, I was in and out of AA a few times -- mostly in institutional settings. This last venture, I actually fulfilled the only requirement for membership.

About a year before I got sober, I had the message carried to me from a male friend my partner and I met online. I hadn't had a drink in about five years, but I wasn't sober -- I was still heavily abusing other substances. I have a vague recollection of him telling me how AA had saved his life. He gave me a Big Book and essentially twelfth stepped me. Thankfully, he was spiritually fit because it wouldn't have been difficult at that time to have thirteenth stepped me.

I got a (female) sponsor a few days out of rehab. She wasn't someone to whom I could relate (she was younger than me, she was a career waitress/cook, she had no kids, she was religious), but she had things I wanted: clear eyes, an easy smile, and something else I couldn't put a name to (I later learned it was "serenity").

The first time we met (to begin step work), I told her how hard it was to ask her to sponsor me. I told her I had always related better to men and that I never really felt like other women liked me very much. She smiled (she was always smiling) and said, "All women are b1tche$, huh?" How did she know that's what I was thinking??! She laughed and told me my perceptions were not unusual, that she had felt that same way and that I'd find many others who held the same view. She's right. Nearly every woman I've ever worked with has said something similar to what I told my own sponsor. And why would that be surprising? We're conditioned to see alcoholism as something not "lady-like," and we assume other woman are lady-like (forgetting, of course, the sober ladies in the rooms were once active alcoholics). Furthermore, alcoholics are manipulative people, and when we're drinking, it's much easier (and more productive) to manipulate men than women. Of course we relate better to men than women!

Having said that, male long-distance sponsorship is better than no sponsorship. But here's the thing: sponsorship doesn't require a lifetime contract. My suggestion? Ask this man to get you started while you work in earnest to get to know the women in the groups you attend. Meaning -- listen closely to them when they share, talk with them before and after meetings, get their phone numbers and call them up. When you find one who has something you want, regardless of the particular details about her life (remember, we're looking for spiritual guidance, not cooking tips ), ask if she's been sponsored through the steps. If the answer is yes -- there's your opening. Ask her.

I've long-distance sponsored with various results. It's difficult. First, there's the 5th step, which I agree should be taken with a woman or perhaps a member of the clergy or a therapist (though I believe it should be someone familiar with 12 step programs -- not all are). Second, it's not unusual for a f2f session with a sponsee to go on for hours because it needs to go on for hours. It's hard to do that over the phone (at least for me it is) and e-mail doesn't always provide the instant feedback we still-quaking alcoholics need.

Whatever you decide to do, sunrise -- please get into the habit now of praying for guidance. The person who is meant to be your sponsor, if your HP is guiding you, will be recognizable when you see her (even if she is a he).

Peace & Love,
Sugah