Shakespeare

I agree about the spiritual component. I am not alone. My life has purpose. There are negative powers out there hell bent on destroying me and others. I can stand up against them with 'his' power. The devil has had his day..now it's my turn!

DayWalker

I can only speak for myself and no one else, but for me I pretty much know why I "relapsed". I was 6 yrs without drinking and relapsed back in December, and then 4 months without drinking and relapsed very recently. After this last relapse I honestly feel like I had what I guess people refer to as "a moment of clarity". Because even though I wasn't drinking for 6 yrs at one point, was going to AA meetings, and was doing the steps...I was admitting to everyone I was an alcoholic, but I don't honestly think I really admitted to myself that I really truly am an alcoholic. I knew in my mind I was an alcoholic but I don't really feel I ever understood exactly what then meant until just after this last time drinking. So even though I wasn't drinking for some yrs I was still a bit of a depressed person and not very friendly with other people. So that's not exactly "Sober" by my definition. Because not drinking every day for that long it was a fight almost every day to get the thoughts out of my mind, and then when I did get through each day without drinking I was more or less pissed that I couldn't drink.

This time though, I feel very different. Since right now I'm only 6 days sober since the last time I drank I don't want to come across as sounding like I'm preaching or on some "pink cloud" as the old saying goes because I have no right to give advice to anyone at the moment. But I honestly feel that the day after the last day I drank I finally "got it" and understood what I have been fighting for many years. That I really truly am an alcoholic that can't drink like most other people and if I do then it will for sure kill me in a very short amount of time, and make my life a living hell in the meantime. And I finally got that through my thick skull. That's why this time even though it's only been a short time, I haven't had a single urge to drink in the past week. because I'm finally not just "not drinking"..but I'm actually trying to do things to make my entire life the best I can both mentally and physically. Praying every day without having to force myself to do it, reading the big book, talking to friends and family about how I feel, and just finally being honest not only with other people but more importantly finally being honest with myself.

So for me, I really feel that's why I have relapsed in the past, because I never was truly honest with myself and never accepted what/who I am.

Steve

digderidoo

Fantastic thread, as i have posted in the secular forum i have close to drinking because i have been thinking that i can handle a drink in a social setting.

Paul

ANEWAUGUST

I would have had 6 years of sobriety August 3rd had I not relapsed.

I worked a program, just like you and for some reason I thought I could drink socially again. Maybe I wasn't convinced I was an alcoholic, who knows.

In January I drank...then, a few months sober. May I started drinking again and I just couldn't stop.

I turned 50 in August, and thought before how wonderful it would have been to turn 50 and have six years of sobriety. I blew that.

But, I too think I am really at a turning point. I don't want to drink, I have no desire to drink. I think I have finally realized the illusion of the buzz, the escape, is truly that, an illusion.

I felt so awful detoxing this time, physically and mentally. I never want to experience that again.

Only one way to guarantee that...don't drink.

baldjim

believe me i would love to have a drink and have a laugh with old friends


but


the thought of the liver pains and the two months in deep depression thinking i was going mad and the utter lonliness of being the only soberguy out of all the drunks i know .... i just dont want to go back there again

plus i feel and look a lot better than i did which probably was not that hard as when i was yellow i was thinking of sueing the simpsons creators for using me as the homor simpson charactor

drinking no thank you i'm doing just fine although it is my birthday next week and i know everyone will be linning up to pour large jack daniels down my throat

but i will not drink no matter what

sfgirl

I think this is a good point. Americans are really used to being busy. They equate being busy with status or accomplishment and you are right that boredom can exist even when every moment of your day is programmed. The converse can exist as well. I feel if anyone should feel bored, I should— I am single, I don't date right now so that area of my life in the last 11 months of recovery has been empty, and I haven't been working either. So basically I spend a lot of time alone doing nothing yet I don't feel bored. Boredom is a feeling that arises not really out of programming your time but I think out of how you are feeling towards life, which may arise out of how your recovery is going. That being said, my own recovery ebbs and flows. I have weeks where things sort of spark and part of my recovery is to notice things are out of whack and reset. I don't know if that makes any sense but I think if you get to a point where you stop being vigilant and let old patterns take hold you can get to a point of relapse.

The other thing that should be talked about is the issue of tolerating feelings. Maybe I actually am bored a lot but I am just used to it so it doesn't bother me. I don't get worked up over it. I realized as an alcoholic I had an extremely low tolerance for negative and sometimes even positive feelings; I always wanted an exciting and fast paced life. Now, I have learned and am learning to tolerate these feelings longer. I can tolerate being bored because there will be times I will be and that is ok. There will be times I will be depressed and I can tolerate that. So I think the issue is not trying to avoid ever being bored or angry or irritated or whatever because if you don't ever get that way well you aren't a real human, but instead the important thing to learn in recovery is to be able to tolerate and live through these feelings clean and sober and quietly and slowly. It sucks in the beginning but it gets easier and easier.

McGowdog

So... what are you saying here? I don't understand, srsly.

If I'm not in a recovered state of mind and body, drinking booze makes a whole bunch of sense to me. But we see those who go out after getting some time. I sure did. I was lucky to even make it back and so are they. Some die.

But when someone comes back in and raises their hand, I try to get with them and have a talk. Let's see what happened. What did you miss? I do this out of my obligation to pass on what was freely given to me, because it's a pleasure to try to help, because someone took the time to try to help me, and because it helps my own recovery tremendously.

Wow! I really am a Dr Bob fan!

Shakespeare

I am too single and I do know about tolerating feelings.

The single thing was because booze competes for one's energy. And whether you like it or not relationships require energy. I told myself that (despite having been married before and having umpteen gfs before) that I am a recluse, a loner. Of course this is not quite true as my job requires much social interaction and I am a jolly and friendly person.

But what I have worked out is that booze becomes a priority over relationships. Now I am off the sauce I find that I want to pursue tentatively the possibility of a relationship again but I want to put sufficient distance between me and the booze first. Also I am losing weight and looking better by the day so in m vanity I am waiting until I reach my target weight. Hah!

The tolerating feelings thing is an important one. Although I am an Orthodox christian I studied and practised Zen for ten years. This was amazing at teaching one to sit with one's feelings, whatever they are. Anger, boredom, sadness. Modern society says if you are feeling any of those emotions we must 'fix' it. Not true. Just experience them. Do not cling to them. Then watch them go. Like watching a leaf in a river.

I felt like that last night. I was unbelievably grumpy and irritated. Even by the time I got to bed, I lay there fuming (this is quite rare for me). I checked into God and thanked him for making it through the day booze free and prayed for tomorrow. I then acknowledged how pissed off i was feeling. I didn't fancy a drink. I had no cravings. I just felt pissed off.

Today is a new day. The feeling is gone. I am enjoying a nice cup of tea and writing this! :ghug3

ANEWAUGUST

I hope I can ALWAYS have patience and sympathy for anyone who battles this demon.

It is fustrating when we see, and when we ourselves fall, or don't work on our recovery and maintain sobriety.

Some of us sober and remain sober the first time.

Others of us, it may take several attempts.

Some of us may never be sober.

However, we are all facing, and fighting the same demon.

Boredom can be a tough issue to deal with in sobriety, but, for me it is loneliness that is harder. I tend to go inward at times, not share how I am feeling. That can make the things I do, less enjoyable, and lead to boredom.

Recognizing what does affect us, and our sobriety is key to our recovery.

By the Grace of God, I am sober today.

mumbai78

To stay sober it is important that we stay connected and have active participation in a society that recognizes alcoholism as a progressive illness that only gets worse over time.

Merely not taking a drink does not equal sobriety. It involves changing every aspect of your life, your thoughts, your behavior,etc.

If you look at people who relapse and ask them about their lifestyle in the months leading upto their relapse, you will find that the majority of them have relapsed into their old thought patterns,etc. it is but natural that they will - at some point in the future - resume drinking.

Shakespeare

Well I don't hold with the disease notion nor the progressive assumption either. I have related before how my drinking never progressed neither forwards nor backwards. It was always the same amount over the last 20 years. This would therefore mean one of two things. Either there are more ways of being an alcoholic than your assumptions or I was never a 'real' alcoholic in the first place.

Either way I am keeping off the sauce.

Dee74

It was my experience that alcoholism was progressive.

Not simply in the volume I drank which did increase in my case - but also in the frequency with which I drank, and the frequency of the thoughts and obsessions I had about drinking in the rare moments I wasn't.

D

Shakespeare

Yes I am sure for some, if not the majority,this is the case. I do not believe, however, that it is a rule. One of the reasons I was inspired to give up drinking and recognise I had a problem was where I read (possibly on SR) that it is not about how much, how frequently or what one drinks that makes one an alcoholic.

I gave up because of my feelings of compulsion to drink. I am no worse or no better at drinking than I was 20 years ago. Perhaps I should be grateful

Dee74

Seeing as I say that quite often, I cannot help but agree LOL.

I'm not much for 'rules' - I'm always careful to label my experience as *my* experience

It was my personal experience that alcoholism was progressive, Shakespeare - it was that very progression that in the end forced me into a decision, so I'm glad for it.

I'm simply glad for whatever factors bought you to your decision too.

Apologies for veering a little off course...
D

Shakespeare

Yes I see your situation too. I've just been a 2-3 bottles of wine 2-3 times a week kinda guy for the last 20 years. In any sort of calculation that is too much. I physically could never drink more than that ( I know I've tried) and I had days following when I couldn't even face a drink (hence the 2-3 times a week).

I suppose I react sometimes when I am told what sort of a drunk I need to be.

I believe I could have continued at that level until either my body gave out or my bank balance, whatever came first.

That said. I am thinner. Richer. More productive and because I know I can't have just one drink, I tend not to think about or compulse about booze anymore.

That could all change, hence my reliance on what you chaps call your HP

Amigo

This is my first post here. This thread caught my eye because I was sober for over five years from about 2003-2008. I was very active in my recovery from about 2003-2006, but I eventually just kind of let it go. The actual relapse event was nothing special -- I just lost sight of the consequences of drinking. Something in the back of my mind said: "If you quit once, you can quit again, right?" Not so easy. The first year of my relapse involved gradually getting back to my old level of drinking. This last year has seen a progression to the point that I am worse than ever. I have been unable to get back on track.

Today is Day 1 for me. I am going to spend part of the day reading here and learning how to use this site. I need to locate a thread for newbies.

thisisme

Great thread. Best to you all who relapse and find sobriety again.

thisisme

Welcome Amigo.

Pondlady

Loved the "to do list" Carol. I personally was agitated the first week, so doing something helped me get over the hump. I've achieved more balance since then, and don't feel I have to be continually busy.

I'm scared of relapse, as it seems so prevalent, but don't think it likely as I am enjoying life so much more these days.

Rossy

I can't see me relapsing I am too strong headed/willed to do it.