What my family think of me!, others too maybe!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Whatever you do don't give up. You need to come up with a different plan and try again.Most of us now what makes us drink (the triggers). I always woke up in the morning saying I'm not going to drink today. Not long after lunch that idea went out the window,and by 5 oclock I was in wheres the closest beer store mode. By 6 oclock I was usually on beer #8.
I somehow managed to break the cycle. It only takes a few days to lose the worst of it.
I hope you hang out here some more and get your ducks in a row and try again. I don't know what else to say.
Fred
I somehow managed to break the cycle. It only takes a few days to lose the worst of it.
I hope you hang out here some more and get your ducks in a row and try again. I don't know what else to say.
Fred
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
my doc seems to think its posture!, the feeling, i dunno, that as i have put a little weight on around my midriff, its causing discomfort. I know i felt better the 3 & half days i had, i know i can do these amount of days & then try & increase!
I know i felt better, but yet had the intense craving which i fed!
I exercise a lot & eat very healthy & yes that quashes the anxiety, i know the perils of anxiety & what i should & shouldn't do!, its just the escape from the issues & hollow emptyness i have within.
I know i felt better, but yet had the intense craving which i fed!
I exercise a lot & eat very healthy & yes that quashes the anxiety, i know the perils of anxiety & what i should & shouldn't do!, its just the escape from the issues & hollow emptyness i have within.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Originally Posted by waterface 
I exercise a lot & eat very healthy & yes that quashes the anxiety, i know the perils of anxiety & what i should & shouldn't do!, its just the escape from the issues & hollow emptyness i have within.
I don't have a solution, just short term stuff i experiment with.
And one of the things i found is that alcohol increases anxiety within 24 hours.
Someone a few days ago said "Alcohol is borrowing happiness from the future". And if it's borrowing, alcohol adds huge fees & interest onto that loan. For the price of short term relief, you dig the hole deeper.
I look at it this way. If i hit myself in the head with a shovel, that will reduce my anxiety for some hours, while i focus on the immediate pain. Alcohol is using the shovel to hit myself in the head. It's not a tool that works.
You might find this interesting. I don't know why i do, but it helps me to read about others.
Category:People self-identifying as alcoholics - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
Honestly, put what other people think of you out of your head..
Right now, ALL that matters is your recovery.
And I agree, isolation probably isn't the thing that's gonna work... AA might be the answer, counseling could be, even church if that's something you'd consider...
Certainly don't sit in your room and wait for some miracle to happen that will make you sober...
You have to actively CHANGE things...
Anything worth having is gonna take some fighting for..
You can do this.......
Right now, ALL that matters is your recovery.
And I agree, isolation probably isn't the thing that's gonna work... AA might be the answer, counseling could be, even church if that's something you'd consider...
Certainly don't sit in your room and wait for some miracle to happen that will make you sober...
You have to actively CHANGE things...
Anything worth having is gonna take some fighting for..
You can do this.......
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Absolutely, your family is wrong in saying these things. It sounds like they do not understand alcoholism...
Without knowing your family history, tho, I have no idea if they are abusive, or if they just don't know how to try to help you, so they resort to insults and cajoling. I am sad to say, I have resorted to that with someone I love who's an alcoholic. I have insulted, threatened...gotten angry...oftentimes because I felt like I was at the end of my rope, and I feel completely embarrassed, remorseful, and sad about it. Of course, none of that works. Nothing works until the person, like you, wants to live a healthy life and is ready to give it up.
Without knowing your family history, tho, I have no idea if they are abusive, or if they just don't know how to try to help you, so they resort to insults and cajoling. I am sad to say, I have resorted to that with someone I love who's an alcoholic. I have insulted, threatened...gotten angry...oftentimes because I felt like I was at the end of my rope, and I feel completely embarrassed, remorseful, and sad about it. Of course, none of that works. Nothing works until the person, like you, wants to live a healthy life and is ready to give it up.
Originally Posted by waterface
Are my family wrong in calling me these names & embarrasing them cos i'm letting people down?
I want to wake feeling good, happy & not be in pain. That will only happen without drinking.
So i want to do what 'Nevertheless' said & stay clean that way!!
I just feel hurt by my family, that they don't see & support my way of attempting to stay clean!
Any thoughts appreciated
wf
I want to wake feeling good, happy & not be in pain. That will only happen without drinking.
So i want to do what 'Nevertheless' said & stay clean that way!!
I just feel hurt by my family, that they don't see & support my way of attempting to stay clean!
Any thoughts appreciated
wf
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 34
I too, can really relate to how you feel. I have major issues with anxiety and when I drink far too much I have unexplained pains that scare me. Not necessarily my liver, but definitely internal and from booze.
Fact is, anxiety will be worse because alcohol fuels it. For me it is at it's worst the day after. Not long ago I went on a four day binge and actually spent one of those days drinking and not eating a thing. We were out of town and the day after we had a five hour drive home. It was the worst drive of my life. My friend had given me two ativan and that didn't even help. I had weird pains and really thought I was going to die. What a horrible feeling.
Try to give yourself a chance WF. It's so odd the way this illness works. I haven't went longer then a week off alcohol now in a year and a half~ As soon as my body is beginning to feel better, BOOM, I rip into it again, just keeping the cycle of self-destruction going.
As for your family, they don't know how you feel inside and how hard this is. All you want is to feel better so you drink to numb anxiety and negativity away. Don't hinge your recovery on what your family says. You know what is right for you and what will work for you. Do what you need to. Maybe talk to your doctor about the anxiety. There are things that can help.
It also really hit home for me when you said you had a productive day so then you celebrate with a reward. I have done this too, many, many times. If I work hard all day then that night I can get loaded. What a reward that is. The next day is a write-off because I am an anxiety-ridden hungover mess that finds it hard to even have the energy to turn the TV on. And so the cycle continues...
I drank excessively last night to the point of blacking out (which is regular for me) and today have worried all day long about anything and everything. Who did I offend last night? I was online, was I chatting with anyone while drunk? What did I say? Do I have cancer again? Just worry after worry after worry. I found this site today because I was lying upstairs by myself and crying because I knew today that this has to stop. I need to be realistic with myself about how this is affecting me and my family and friends.
I do think that you are taking a proactive step by using this site for support and information. Keep trying to do what works for you. For me I'm going to try to remember how awful this feeling is and realize that one drink will likely lead to upwards of ten and a day or two after of anxiety and fatigue. It's not worth it. Worst feeling in the world, and I'm doing it to myself. Makes no sense.
Fact is, anxiety will be worse because alcohol fuels it. For me it is at it's worst the day after. Not long ago I went on a four day binge and actually spent one of those days drinking and not eating a thing. We were out of town and the day after we had a five hour drive home. It was the worst drive of my life. My friend had given me two ativan and that didn't even help. I had weird pains and really thought I was going to die. What a horrible feeling.
Try to give yourself a chance WF. It's so odd the way this illness works. I haven't went longer then a week off alcohol now in a year and a half~ As soon as my body is beginning to feel better, BOOM, I rip into it again, just keeping the cycle of self-destruction going.
As for your family, they don't know how you feel inside and how hard this is. All you want is to feel better so you drink to numb anxiety and negativity away. Don't hinge your recovery on what your family says. You know what is right for you and what will work for you. Do what you need to. Maybe talk to your doctor about the anxiety. There are things that can help.
It also really hit home for me when you said you had a productive day so then you celebrate with a reward. I have done this too, many, many times. If I work hard all day then that night I can get loaded. What a reward that is. The next day is a write-off because I am an anxiety-ridden hungover mess that finds it hard to even have the energy to turn the TV on. And so the cycle continues...
I drank excessively last night to the point of blacking out (which is regular for me) and today have worried all day long about anything and everything. Who did I offend last night? I was online, was I chatting with anyone while drunk? What did I say? Do I have cancer again? Just worry after worry after worry. I found this site today because I was lying upstairs by myself and crying because I knew today that this has to stop. I need to be realistic with myself about how this is affecting me and my family and friends.
I do think that you are taking a proactive step by using this site for support and information. Keep trying to do what works for you. For me I'm going to try to remember how awful this feeling is and realize that one drink will likely lead to upwards of ten and a day or two after of anxiety and fatigue. It's not worth it. Worst feeling in the world, and I'm doing it to myself. Makes no sense.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Honolulu, Hawaii
Posts: 13
To be honest, I've never experienced the anxiety attacks you describe, and it may be something completely different to consider because after all, they ARE your family; however, I'd be much more concerned on how you view yourself and what you want to accomplish personally.
From what you described, it's obvious that your family isn't going to provide you with the social support that you deserve in order to recover. In fact, I can only interpret that they're driving you further into alcoholism based on guilt trips (believe me, I know that debilitating feeling of guilt very well). If that's the case, it comes down to your own perspective on what YOU need to do, not what others want you to. Instead of letting what your family thinks drag you down, do what you feel you need to do to make things "right" in your mind, not theirs. To be blunt, F what your family thinks. Their opinion on your life holds no relevance to what you're experiencing as an alcoholic because they simply don't understand the nature of your personal drug addiction.
Do as you see fit. Recover first and foremost, and take satisfaction in what you're accomplishing as your self, and don't concern yourself with what others think of you.
I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, friend. I need it too.
From what you described, it's obvious that your family isn't going to provide you with the social support that you deserve in order to recover. In fact, I can only interpret that they're driving you further into alcoholism based on guilt trips (believe me, I know that debilitating feeling of guilt very well). If that's the case, it comes down to your own perspective on what YOU need to do, not what others want you to. Instead of letting what your family thinks drag you down, do what you feel you need to do to make things "right" in your mind, not theirs. To be blunt, F what your family thinks. Their opinion on your life holds no relevance to what you're experiencing as an alcoholic because they simply don't understand the nature of your personal drug addiction.
Do as you see fit. Recover first and foremost, and take satisfaction in what you're accomplishing as your self, and don't concern yourself with what others think of you.
I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, friend. I need it too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Yes, the guilt trips & the hole that i feel i'm in are terrible, i feel trapped as my family make me feel worse by making me feel low.
I just see nothing in my life that makes me happy & that upsets me & makes me feel empty & that i'm in a rut!
I have days now where i will be not going into the city as when i do i feel the urge to escape into the bars & i can feel on a par with people as opposed to being with my family who make me feel like a child!
Both are reasons to drink, to escape my empty life as my therapist puts it & to drown my sorrows.
My anxiety & depression is at a stage where i feel nothing makes me happy & am even at the stage where i am on a death wish.
I am yet scared of that & what the future holds. I guess i am really depressed at the moment, when all i see around me looks happy.
I just see nothing in my life that makes me happy & that upsets me & makes me feel empty & that i'm in a rut!
I have days now where i will be not going into the city as when i do i feel the urge to escape into the bars & i can feel on a par with people as opposed to being with my family who make me feel like a child!
Both are reasons to drink, to escape my empty life as my therapist puts it & to drown my sorrows.
My anxiety & depression is at a stage where i feel nothing makes me happy & am even at the stage where i am on a death wish.
I am yet scared of that & what the future holds. I guess i am really depressed at the moment, when all i see around me looks happy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Go to the city and find an AA meeting. Walk in and be honest. If you ask for help they will give it, but you have to ask.
I hate to use an AA term , but I believe it's in order. You are on the pity pot, feeling sorry for yourself. Yea I know this sucks, but the only way out of this is to not drink, and nobody if forcing booze down you are they?
I can see your family really isn't helping, but how is drinking helping the situation? (could it be that it's making it worse?)
Sorry to sound harsh, but all you have to do is not take the first drink. It's that simple.
Fred
I hate to use an AA term , but I believe it's in order. You are on the pity pot, feeling sorry for yourself. Yea I know this sucks, but the only way out of this is to not drink, and nobody if forcing booze down you are they?
I can see your family really isn't helping, but how is drinking helping the situation? (could it be that it's making it worse?)
Sorry to sound harsh, but all you have to do is not take the first drink. It's that simple.
Fred
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
I know your right, & yet i carry on making myself feel ill.
I drank a lot last night & was watching tv & enjoying the buzz & swigging drink like it was water & today i feel terrible, yet all i think of is drinking later!! I must have such low self worth & emptiness!! My life must be so unfulfilling to get to this state!!
I have written down all the negatives & positives of drinking & the only positive i wrote is the buzz, the relief of escaping reality & depressed life that i am miserable in.
The negatives, that i have a pain in my side, a swollen stomach area, i have gained weight, i feel toxic, i feel ugly & bloated, my eyes & face are puffed up & i have had blackouts. I can't remember what i watched on tv last night, who i texted & what i wrote. My memory is shot, I sweat a lot & my hands are mottled & blotchy!! My clothes don't fit properly, the money i'm spending. The sick days i spend, Its all self pity & yet because my life is so empty & unfulfilling, all i think of is escaping my reality. All negatives, yet i choose them over the positives.
I so want that happiness of being sober & clear & enjoying just being alive & the simple pleasures in life like the wind on my face & the sun in my eye!! Being calm & enjoying each moment like a child does. Thats what i want, but when in the past i have that, i've rewarded myself. Why the hell do i choose the negatives of drinking, to the positives of not!!
I sometimes feel i'm fed up with it all & the time is there to stop, thats a motivation, today i feel it. Its just keeping it going when i feel better.
I drank a lot last night & was watching tv & enjoying the buzz & swigging drink like it was water & today i feel terrible, yet all i think of is drinking later!! I must have such low self worth & emptiness!! My life must be so unfulfilling to get to this state!!
I have written down all the negatives & positives of drinking & the only positive i wrote is the buzz, the relief of escaping reality & depressed life that i am miserable in.
The negatives, that i have a pain in my side, a swollen stomach area, i have gained weight, i feel toxic, i feel ugly & bloated, my eyes & face are puffed up & i have had blackouts. I can't remember what i watched on tv last night, who i texted & what i wrote. My memory is shot, I sweat a lot & my hands are mottled & blotchy!! My clothes don't fit properly, the money i'm spending. The sick days i spend, Its all self pity & yet because my life is so empty & unfulfilling, all i think of is escaping my reality. All negatives, yet i choose them over the positives.
I so want that happiness of being sober & clear & enjoying just being alive & the simple pleasures in life like the wind on my face & the sun in my eye!! Being calm & enjoying each moment like a child does. Thats what i want, but when in the past i have that, i've rewarded myself. Why the hell do i choose the negatives of drinking, to the positives of not!!
I sometimes feel i'm fed up with it all & the time is there to stop, thats a motivation, today i feel it. Its just keeping it going when i feel better.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Well, You tried avoiding things that make you drink. You put together 3 days. That was a good start, but it didn't work. AA is an option that I believe everyone here has suggested. (you seem to ignore that one). I did it using both of the above.
So it looks like the only way to avoid the things that make you drink is rehab. I think you should look into it. That is something I have never done. Hopefully someone here has some suggestions. Getting the monkey off your back really is worth whatever it takes. But you have to help yourself. Nobody can help someone that won't help their self.
Fred
So it looks like the only way to avoid the things that make you drink is rehab. I think you should look into it. That is something I have never done. Hopefully someone here has some suggestions. Getting the monkey off your back really is worth whatever it takes. But you have to help yourself. Nobody can help someone that won't help their self.
Fred
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by waterface
I so want that happiness of being sober & clear & enjoying just being alive & the simple pleasures in life like the wind on my face & the sun in my eye!! Being calm & enjoying each moment like a child does. Thats what i want, but when in the past i have that, i've rewarded myself. Why the hell do i choose the negatives of drinking, to the positives of not!!
I used wonder that a lot, when I was still drinking... It would be a nice day, dinner with the family, maybe some people over... And I'd find myself pretty well on my way... 3 or 4 beers just to get started....even worse, I'd often be stealing away to hit on that hidden bottle of vodka...
So I made those choices too... I decided that I must be an alcoholic... Drinking when I hadn't intended to... Drinking when there was no reason to... Drinking when there was reason not to...
So I don't make those choices anymore... I can't be trusted to make that choice... So I just turned it all over to the HP... I don't have that choice anymore... and it's a relief... steps toward freedom...
There is a solution.
Mark
SHARING THE LOAD
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: In the Slowlane
Posts: 878
Hi Waterface, Welcome to the site. I used to curl up and isolate to that very album "on the beach" Definately one of the darkest albums I've listened to. The simple things in the book "Living Sober" helped me to learn how to not only quit but to start living without it. I would suggest that one. Hope you can find your solutions.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
I am 20 months sober but have been experiencing bouts of horrible anxiety. I am an AA member and am working the steps and it definitely helps but I may need more.
I saw a counsellor last week and he told me that AA, ongoing counselling, and possibly medication together will enable me to live a good life. The anxiety is all brain chemistry. The way he explained it, it will take two years to get my thinking back to normal (eg. not to let irrational thoughts lead to high level anxiety) and the meds will help me through that two year period. Then I could go off of them. He is still not sure if meds are the way to go right now (he wants to study me further
).
We also talked about AA. He is definitely is pro-AA mainly for the spiritual growth.
So in my case, the drinking was not really causing the anxiety, only masking it.
So this is my current experience. You might want to check with a mental health professional as well as your doctor. And of course, hit up AA!
The thing is, I think we both know that there is a great life out there for us. It gets hard to see in difficult times but we can get there.
Take care.
I saw a counsellor last week and he told me that AA, ongoing counselling, and possibly medication together will enable me to live a good life. The anxiety is all brain chemistry. The way he explained it, it will take two years to get my thinking back to normal (eg. not to let irrational thoughts lead to high level anxiety) and the meds will help me through that two year period. Then I could go off of them. He is still not sure if meds are the way to go right now (he wants to study me further
).We also talked about AA. He is definitely is pro-AA mainly for the spiritual growth.
So in my case, the drinking was not really causing the anxiety, only masking it.
So this is my current experience. You might want to check with a mental health professional as well as your doctor. And of course, hit up AA!
The thing is, I think we both know that there is a great life out there for us. It gets hard to see in difficult times but we can get there.
Take care.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hurt people say hurtful things.
If you lost the trust of people who trusted you you have to work very hard if you are ever going to take it back.
I do not agree on hostility but I have to wonder why did they end up thinking like that?
You need to be honest with yourself.
Sorry if I sounded rude. Perhaps I misunderstood the situation.
I wish you all the best. If you want something just go for it, others have done it, you can, too.
If you lost the trust of people who trusted you you have to work very hard if you are ever going to take it back.
I do not agree on hostility but I have to wonder why did they end up thinking like that?
You need to be honest with yourself.
Sorry if I sounded rude. Perhaps I misunderstood the situation.
I wish you all the best. If you want something just go for it, others have done it, you can, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
I think i need to get it outa my head that in life, i can't go on escaping reality
& thinking life's all about feeling good & buzzing.
Thats what i feel!!, that without that 'drink' or escape to look forward too, what the hell is there!!
I mean today, i'm not drinking, i won't be for some days. I'm gonna see how i feel. I just always in the past have looked forward to that escape after i do a job or college etc. That 'now is the time to escape' feeling. That is what i'm gonna find hard! Like i'll feel like i do now for the rest of the day!!
I'm gonna do exercises, eat early, go a walk later, but i can't go on with this sh*t as nothing is becoming of it & i'm getting nowhere!! Just a constant circle of the same old everyday, anxiety, depression, paranoia, inpatience, all the negatives!!
That book about 'living sober' is something i'll look into,
& thinking life's all about feeling good & buzzing.
Thats what i feel!!, that without that 'drink' or escape to look forward too, what the hell is there!!
I mean today, i'm not drinking, i won't be for some days. I'm gonna see how i feel. I just always in the past have looked forward to that escape after i do a job or college etc. That 'now is the time to escape' feeling. That is what i'm gonna find hard! Like i'll feel like i do now for the rest of the day!!
I'm gonna do exercises, eat early, go a walk later, but i can't go on with this sh*t as nothing is becoming of it & i'm getting nowhere!! Just a constant circle of the same old everyday, anxiety, depression, paranoia, inpatience, all the negatives!!
That book about 'living sober' is something i'll look into,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
So its 48 hrs since my last drink. i get cravings at this time, but will be eating a big meal soon & that takes them away as it did last night!
I felt good last night, but a sense of 'is this it' after i ate, no high or euphoric feeling.
I went a run last night at 9pm, just a brisk run to destress as i was very argumentative & short tempered! & afterwards i felt great & the thought of drink was in my mind, but in a way of 'i feel better without & i feel good', like i was naturally euphoric!
I will do the same tonight, but i'm a recluse the rest of the time!!
The pain in my side is worse, but i'm not feeling as toxic & sweaty!
I'm craving sugar, i may get some boiled candy.
I don't know if i can & should say i won't ever drink again. i'm only early 30's & i think it would be a lie!
Day to day i guess, but town on Thursday.. Maybe set back after set back will happen on the journey.
I felt good last night, but a sense of 'is this it' after i ate, no high or euphoric feeling.
I went a run last night at 9pm, just a brisk run to destress as i was very argumentative & short tempered! & afterwards i felt great & the thought of drink was in my mind, but in a way of 'i feel better without & i feel good', like i was naturally euphoric!
I will do the same tonight, but i'm a recluse the rest of the time!!
The pain in my side is worse, but i'm not feeling as toxic & sweaty!
I'm craving sugar, i may get some boiled candy.
I don't know if i can & should say i won't ever drink again. i'm only early 30's & i think it would be a lie!
Day to day i guess, but town on Thursday.. Maybe set back after set back will happen on the journey.
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