Watchful

So I talked to my husband yesterday about wanting to stop drinking, and told him I didn't feel like he would take my effort seriously. (I should add that he is a heavy beer drinker, he said he was an alcoholic years ago after a terrible blackout episode and subsequent emergency mental health hospitalization, but he justifies it by saying he doesn't get drunk anymore.)

Anyway, he framed my desire to quit as "always needing to change something". He is referring to my switch to vegetarianism, many times quitting smoking, trying to be more healthy, etc. I was very upset about this all night.

What's wrong with wanting to change? What's wrong with wanting to be a better person? I think he thinks my anxiety (and I do have a lot of anxiety in general) about drinking, not the drinking, is what's driving my wanting to quit.

I know I need to do what's right for me and listen to my gut, not rely on him for validation. Also, given the fact that he still drinks, it's probably not realistic for me to get full support and understanding from him.

Thoughts? Can anyone relate?

Boleo

Welcome to SR. It sounds like you are looking to the future and can see a better way of life. Keep us posted and have a look at:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

matt88

Sometimes I've gotten reactions like that when I would start the old "I'm going to stop drinking, start working out, buy a new wardrobe, eat healthy, become more spiritual, etc, etc" - for the millionth time. I had good intentions, but I'd get reactions like that after saying those things for the millionth time and never following through and just being drunk again in a few days.

smacked

I said it to my husband too.. a bunch of times. He's not an alcoholic though, and his drinking lifestyle wasn't threatened by my sobriety, which sounds like might be going on at your house. I'm not sure how I would feel if he treated me the way you're describing..

By the time I was serious about quitting, and staying quit.. it was more of a "yeah, I'll believe it when I see it". I take responsibility for teaching him not to take me seriously in some of my committments. Added a bit of fuel to my sobriety quest because I was bound and determined not to prove myself wrong.

That all being said, I would not have been able to continue on with him if he was an alcoholic or heavy drinker, or whatever semantics we want to throw out there. We don't have alcohol in the home, he drinks a few glasses of wine about once a month at most..and never in my presence. His support while critical for me, wasn't everything I needed. I had to do it for myself, with my own strength. I had to learn my strengths, though.. and found a lot of good stuff in counseling 2x a week.

I know there's folks around here who are in relationships with drinkers, and have stayed sober. I wouldn't be willing to chance it, personally.. this is life or death for me.

Astro

Nothing wrong at all with wanting to change and better myself. And that's what I've come to understand, that my sobriety is about me. I don't depend on others for support and understanding unless they're also in recovery. When I'm relying on someone else for validation, it becomes an issue of codependency to me.

Keep the focus on yourself. You might be surprised to see how it attracts other people to you

22NGONE

Watchful,

It doesn't matter what your Spouse thinks if you are doing it for yourself. My Spouse could care less when I quit drinking, she asked for a divorce and treated me like crap through my entire early sobriety... turns out she was cheating on me the whole time too.

What your Spouse's motives are or aren't doesn't matter for YOUR sobriety. Good Luck, everyone here would agree you are doing the right thing.

God Bless,

John

Philly

I can totally relate to you. My husband has drank his entire life. I am almost 50 and have been married for almost 32 years. When I hit my 40's I got the attitude if you can't beat um join um. Since now my children were grown it felt like now it was my time. I instantly loved it. My husband was happy he had a new drinking buddy and we were both getting drunk every weekend. Well I blew right past him in my drinking. My adult children were threatening intervention etc. He did not support me at all. He said he would leave me if I went to AA. Well I quit anyway without his support. He still drinks and sometimes I feel sorry for him. I have a granddaughter now and a grandson on the way. I am so glad I stopped when I did. Good luck and come here often. There is alot of knowledge here. I am almost 13 months sober now. I have yet to hear someone say "I should have kept drinking" instead it is always "I wished I stopped when I had a chance". From what everyone says it only gets harder.

Mark75

My wife and I are married 25 years in two weeks... I stopped as the result of a workplace intervention... Though she expressed concern about my drinking, especially toward the end... I don't think she ever saw this coming...

She drinks one tall white wine spritzer every night... That sucked at first... She's not an alcoholic, but neither does she want to give up her nightcap, nor should she. Being recovered, for me, will make it so her drinking is irrelevant...

Recovery ain't easy... For both of us.... She'd like to think I could moderate, but that's not an option, especially if I want to keep my career and stay sober... It would be the easier softer way, and wouldn't work.

Big change in the relationship, she lost her drinking buddy, I am not always warm and fuzzy (not mean) and fun. But with four kids, 25 years of mostly happy marriage, and lots of love... we will keep at it.

But it's my recovery that I am responsible for... I don't really want or need much of her support... just some patience.

Mark

tommyk

Don't be anyone's puppet... pull your own strings.

CarolD

The link to Friends & Family has information
on how to deal with living with an active drinker.
Finding a local Al anon meeting is a good idea
for this type of support.


For me.....I depend on my fellow AA members for
support and understanding about my alcoholism....

Good to see you sharing here with us
Please do keep in touch ...

Emily2002

My kids and my husband laugh at the fact that I'm always coming home from bookstores with self-help books and am always "starting a diet on Monday." At this point, I simply have to laugh along with them.

As far as the drinking's concerned, though, I'm in a similar situation. I've told family -- husband, kids, Father, some siblings -- I want to remain sober. Every person, excluding my children questioned the fact that I really have a problem. They're the honest ones, really.

My husband drinks every night. I'm not certain he's an alcoholic, but on occasion he's told me he'll take a break with me and it's always short lived -- or he's nursing a shot glass of vodka straight up. Anyway -- he supports me as far as being ok with the fact I want to stop but neglects to stop enabling me -- very quick to pour one for me when I get weak. I know it's MY fault for giving in... but the alcohol is always there and he doesn't make it any easier.

SO... What do I NEED to do? I need to keep making and then keeping my commitment. OWN IT.

Glad you're here, watchful. Thank you sooooo much for your post and keep coming back. :ghug3

Dee74

Hi watchful

I'm lucky to have a supportive partner, but I could still get up from here now and find a million reasons to drink - if I wanted to.

It's like NewLeaf says...*I* need to keep making and then keeping *my* commitment. *I* need to own it.

What other people do, or think, is simply none of my business - even if they're making bad choices or giving bad advice.

I know what's right for me and that shouldn't be affected by ANYONE.

It's a sad fact that many of us don't get the real-life support we need from family and friends - that's where SR and other programmes like AA etc come into play.

You're not alone. You can do this
D

mistycshore

It sounds to me like you nailed it.

glad1242

Theres nothing wrong with trying to change yourself for the better

it sounds like to me that your partner is afraid that if you quit drinking you will want him to stop as well and he doesnt want to change

altho i cant really relate im not married and my gf doesnt drink

littlebluedog

Sorry for the lack of support.

If you really want to quit, it won't matter what he says. I can't stand this phrase, but it's true; actions speak louder than words.

AA and Al anon are great programs. If he's an active drinker though, he'll probably skip that latter.

In the beginning, my husband was a bit resistant to all this not drinking, new friends and what not, but finding a healthy balance has been key. (he's a drinker too, has slowed down recently)

Stick around and keep us posted.

hendershot

If you weren't aware: alcohol aggravates and augments anxiety symptoms. There is neurological basis for this, but simply put: alcohol acts as a depressent on your brain and inhibits the ability of it to produce chemicals associated with calming us down in stress provoking situations. This is masked when we are drunk but when we come down, especially with anxiety issues to begin with, the heighented anxiety can become unmanageble. I know it was for me.

Sikkisirus

It sucks you don't have his support but you will find plenty here. Welcome :day6

glad1242

this place is great if u need support i agree 100% with this post

everyone here welcomes you

c49

Can't expect miracles from a spouse... sorry to say, it many cases they just dont get it!

Like all who posted above you will have to find support in places like AA, SR, friends or new friends, AND IN YOURSELF!

Could you ever successfully lose weight for anyone else as you could if you did it for yourself?

Watchful

Yes, he's said before that drinking and smoking were things we used to do together. I think he feels betrayed on some level that I don't want to participate with him anymore, but he would never come right out and admit it.

Part of what has had me so scared to quit is that we will grow in two different directions. But I guess if I'm serious about changing my life I'm going to have to take that chance.