Wife of alcoholic looking for information - pls help
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Wife of alcoholic looking for information - pls help
I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 24 years. He drinks 5-6 drinks daily or more. I see him consuming 5-6 beers daily usually but I know he also sneaks hard liquor but I don't know how much. Although he drinks every day, he doesn't appear to be drunk every day. He usually drinks alone.
His drinking has gotten worse in the past few years as he used to drink about 3 beers a day and now it's double that. I'm thinking of divorcing him but I want to know what will happen to his alcoholism if I stay. The symptoms I've noticed in him are: fatigue (sleeps 2-3 hours more per night than he used to), depression (he's taking Prozac for this but still seems depressed to me), chronic diarrhea, flushed face, memory lapses, blackouts (he's admitted such to me), disinterest and lack of motivation in doing pleasurable activities. he's 52 and he is still working.
We have three teenage children and he continually picks fights with them. He's got anger issues and has been abusive both physically and emotionally although he hasn't been physically violent for a couple of years. he's had moments when he's tried to get help to cut down on his drinking and curb his abusive behavior and he's admitted he has a drinking problem. Other times he appears to be in denial mode. Is he abusive because of the alcohol or would he be abusive even without it? He can be ausive even when he's not drinking.
I want some information from those who've been in his shoes - does it sound like he's in the middle stage of alcoholism? What will happen in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years if he continues to drink?
Thank you for helping me!
His drinking has gotten worse in the past few years as he used to drink about 3 beers a day and now it's double that. I'm thinking of divorcing him but I want to know what will happen to his alcoholism if I stay. The symptoms I've noticed in him are: fatigue (sleeps 2-3 hours more per night than he used to), depression (he's taking Prozac for this but still seems depressed to me), chronic diarrhea, flushed face, memory lapses, blackouts (he's admitted such to me), disinterest and lack of motivation in doing pleasurable activities. he's 52 and he is still working.
We have three teenage children and he continually picks fights with them. He's got anger issues and has been abusive both physically and emotionally although he hasn't been physically violent for a couple of years. he's had moments when he's tried to get help to cut down on his drinking and curb his abusive behavior and he's admitted he has a drinking problem. Other times he appears to be in denial mode. Is he abusive because of the alcohol or would he be abusive even without it? He can be ausive even when he's not drinking.
I want some information from those who've been in his shoes - does it sound like he's in the middle stage of alcoholism? What will happen in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years if he continues to drink?
Thank you for helping me!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
5-6 beers is not very much. I suspect he is drinking 3 to 5 times this amount. Have you asked him about the volume he is drinking? (not that he would be truthful).
Unfortunately no one knows how his drinking will change if you leave or stay, or what it will be like in 1, 2, 5 or 10 years.
Unfortunately no one knows how his drinking will change if you leave or stay, or what it will be like in 1, 2, 5 or 10 years.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I'm 52, married to my wife for 24 years... 25 in Sept. We have 4 kids... So... some similarities there...
In a near blackout I became verbally abusive to my youngest son. That was May '07. I knew I had a problem but that was the first time I really felt ashamed and began to understand I was in trouble. I made a couple of changes, but I was still going down a bad road. It took a workplace intervention (of a sort, I wasn't impaired at work...) for me to get into treatment.
I only drank beer... NOT... My wife had no idea how much vodka I was sneaking, well she knew I was, but not how much.
I don't know what to say about stages of alcoholism... Sounds like he's pretty advanced... Blackouts, shakiness, physical consequences of drinking so much.
If he keeps drinking like he is he will die. Simple as that. Who knows how long that will take... Alcoholism is progressive, it just keeps getting worse.
You can't make him stop, you can't control it, you didn't cause it.... You can only take care of yourself. I'm sure you've been over to the friends and family section, you'll see it all there....
I urge you to consider Alanon... Face to Face....
Good Luck
Mark
In a near blackout I became verbally abusive to my youngest son. That was May '07. I knew I had a problem but that was the first time I really felt ashamed and began to understand I was in trouble. I made a couple of changes, but I was still going down a bad road. It took a workplace intervention (of a sort, I wasn't impaired at work...) for me to get into treatment.
I only drank beer... NOT... My wife had no idea how much vodka I was sneaking, well she knew I was, but not how much.
I don't know what to say about stages of alcoholism... Sounds like he's pretty advanced... Blackouts, shakiness, physical consequences of drinking so much.
If he keeps drinking like he is he will die. Simple as that. Who knows how long that will take... Alcoholism is progressive, it just keeps getting worse.
You can't make him stop, you can't control it, you didn't cause it.... You can only take care of yourself. I'm sure you've been over to the friends and family section, you'll see it all there....
I urge you to consider Alanon... Face to Face....
Good Luck
Mark
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Chepstow
Posts: 359
Originally Posted by Venice 
I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 24 years. He drinks 5-6 drinks daily or more. I see him consuming 5-6 beers daily usually but I know he also sneaks hard liquor but I don't know how much. Although he drinks every day, he doesn't appear to be drunk every day. He usually drinks alone.
His drinking has gotten worse in the past few years as he used to drink about 3 beers a day and now it's double that. I'm thinking of divorcing him but I want to know what will happen to his alcoholism if I stay. The symptoms I've noticed in him are: fatigue (sleeps 2-3 hours more per night than he used to), depression (he's taking Prozac for this but still seems depressed to me), chronic diarrhea, flushed face, memory lapses, blackouts (he's admitted such to me), disinterest and lack of motivation in doing pleasurable activities. he's 52 and he is still working.
We have three teenage children and he continually picks fights with them. He's got anger issues and has been abusive both physically and emotionally although he hasn't been physically violent for a couple of years. he's had moments when he's tried to get help to cut down on his drinking and curb his abusive behavior and he's admitted he has a drinking problem. Other times he appears to be in denial mode. Is he abusive because of the alcohol or would he be abusive even without it? He can be ausive even when he's not drinking.
I want some information from those who've been in his shoes - does it sound like he's in the middle stage of alcoholism? What will happen in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years if he continues to drink?
Thank you for helping me!
His drinking has gotten worse in the past few years as he used to drink about 3 beers a day and now it's double that. I'm thinking of divorcing him but I want to know what will happen to his alcoholism if I stay. The symptoms I've noticed in him are: fatigue (sleeps 2-3 hours more per night than he used to), depression (he's taking Prozac for this but still seems depressed to me), chronic diarrhea, flushed face, memory lapses, blackouts (he's admitted such to me), disinterest and lack of motivation in doing pleasurable activities. he's 52 and he is still working.
We have three teenage children and he continually picks fights with them. He's got anger issues and has been abusive both physically and emotionally although he hasn't been physically violent for a couple of years. he's had moments when he's tried to get help to cut down on his drinking and curb his abusive behavior and he's admitted he has a drinking problem. Other times he appears to be in denial mode. Is he abusive because of the alcohol or would he be abusive even without it? He can be ausive even when he's not drinking.
I want some information from those who've been in his shoes - does it sound like he's in the middle stage of alcoholism? What will happen in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years if he continues to drink?
Thank you for helping me!
Us alcoholics are a devious shower of gits. I can explain his behaviour, such as his abusive behaviour, but I doubt that would help either.
And having been the alcoholic and not the suffering family, I can't really help with that either, but what I can do is point you in the direction of getting some real help.
There's a sister organisation of AA called Al-non which is for people like yourself, who are or have been affected by an alcoholic. I've heard some Al-non speakers and from what I gather, when a spouse of an alcoholic joins Al-non it's almost like a death bell for the drinking days of their partner.
Here's the link to the organisation:
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen
I'll also pm you the link, since some sites don't allow links from other sites.
Regards,
Tosh
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 64
Mark, Thank you for your reply. Yes, it sounds like we have much in common. Fortunately, you made the decision to put your family first. I'm afraid my hubby is not going to take that road as he has at times acknowledged that our marriage is being destroyed yet not much changes. I've been to the Friends and Family site and have found it very helpful and others there have also recommended Al-anon. I'm going to try to go to my first meeting this week!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Tosh,
Appreciate your reply. Like the other posters before you, my husband is probably consuming more than he owns up to. But you're right - the amount doesn't really matter that much - it's the consequences of it. Looking forward to Al-anon. Thanks again.
Appreciate your reply. Like the other posters before you, my husband is probably consuming more than he owns up to. But you're right - the amount doesn't really matter that much - it's the consequences of it. Looking forward to Al-anon. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Venice
Fortunately, you made the decision to put your family first.
Maybe he will seek help. But it's not something you can suggest or ask for and expect it to happen. It comes from within himself, unless he gets in trouble and it becomes mandated.
Mark
Recovering Swill Master
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 14
He's got a problem
Venice,
One of the many reasons I want to quit is I have been guilty of the same behavior. You would not believe how devious we drunks can be when we need that drink. He probably has a stash somewhere that he taps to keep the fire burning. As far as him being abusive without alcohol I can only relate person experience. I have an anger problem that can flare into full rage before I have a chance to stop it so I have to keep a tight reign especially if I have had nothing to drink. Because you see I drink so much I'm practically hung over all the time as is I'm sure your husband is. This does not make for a pleasant demeanor. They also say that the liver is the seat of anger so angry people medicate with booze. I'd say 80% of the time I'm nicer and more tolerant when I'm drunk, but watch out for the other 20%. I don't beat anyone in my family but boy can I roar if the wrong button is pressed. Then you have another fact that is often overlooked. Alcohol disrupts REM sleep so even though you appear to sleep deep you don't. I figure I have had may 20-30 nights of undrunk sleep. Over time your nerves get frazzled and too much lack of sleep drives a person insane. So even if he quit today I might take weeks or months to get back in synch during which time his moods and emotions will swing wildly. As for what stage he's in I'd say full blown alcoholic. What you describe sounds like me in so many many ways. I've denied to my fiance's face that I have been drinking when she can smell the vodka. I'm no professional but it sounds like he needs some help. I know I do.
One of the many reasons I want to quit is I have been guilty of the same behavior. You would not believe how devious we drunks can be when we need that drink. He probably has a stash somewhere that he taps to keep the fire burning. As far as him being abusive without alcohol I can only relate person experience. I have an anger problem that can flare into full rage before I have a chance to stop it so I have to keep a tight reign especially if I have had nothing to drink. Because you see I drink so much I'm practically hung over all the time as is I'm sure your husband is. This does not make for a pleasant demeanor. They also say that the liver is the seat of anger so angry people medicate with booze. I'd say 80% of the time I'm nicer and more tolerant when I'm drunk, but watch out for the other 20%. I don't beat anyone in my family but boy can I roar if the wrong button is pressed. Then you have another fact that is often overlooked. Alcohol disrupts REM sleep so even though you appear to sleep deep you don't. I figure I have had may 20-30 nights of undrunk sleep. Over time your nerves get frazzled and too much lack of sleep drives a person insane. So even if he quit today I might take weeks or months to get back in synch during which time his moods and emotions will swing wildly. As for what stage he's in I'd say full blown alcoholic. What you describe sounds like me in so many many ways. I've denied to my fiance's face that I have been drinking when she can smell the vodka. I'm no professional but it sounds like he needs some help. I know I do.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 220
Unfortunately unless your Husband decides to get help and stop drinking entirely, your story will not have a happy ending. Any negative consequences you see from his Alcoholism now will continue to get worse and will accelerate over time. Alcohol completely wrecks a person simultaneously on a Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual level. Lying, Deception, Anger, Depression, Fear, Antiety, Agression, Abuse and Blame will all go off the charts as the disease progresses.
Hiding the physical act of drinking is actually quite easy (hiding drunkenness is another matter). I had several stashes and would always discretely dispose of my evidence. I was a very severe Alcoholic for my last two years ('05-'06) and during that time my Wife (of 25 years now) rarely ever actually saw me take a drink.
Since Alcoholism is a one way street that always gets worse and never gets better, any attempts at "cutting back" are pretty much doomed to failure. However if drinking is stopped entirely a person has a remarkable ability to bounce back over time. Although it's difficult to say how much of the Bad Stuff is directly linked to the current Alcohol Consumption and how much would linger after the drinking stopped it would be impossible not to have noticable improvements in the weeks after the last drink.
Hiding the physical act of drinking is actually quite easy (hiding drunkenness is another matter). I had several stashes and would always discretely dispose of my evidence. I was a very severe Alcoholic for my last two years ('05-'06) and during that time my Wife (of 25 years now) rarely ever actually saw me take a drink.
Since Alcoholism is a one way street that always gets worse and never gets better, any attempts at "cutting back" are pretty much doomed to failure. However if drinking is stopped entirely a person has a remarkable ability to bounce back over time. Although it's difficult to say how much of the Bad Stuff is directly linked to the current Alcohol Consumption and how much would linger after the drinking stopped it would be impossible not to have noticable improvements in the weeks after the last drink.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 818
Dear Venice, Your husband's alcoholism is going to get worse whether you stay or not. This disease is progressive. If he continues to drink he will eventually die from it. And unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that. Your responsibility has to be to you and your children. Alanon is an excellent start. I hope things work out well for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 17
My heart goes out to you and your family. Alcoholism is a family disease. You have recieved some great advice from the previous posters. I will only add that your husband most definately has a stash somewhere. My family wondered why I was slurring my words or taking 4 hour naps when I had only 2 glasses of wine. In my case, my family was nearly torn apart until I found AA and my kids began attending Alateen and counceling. Life has changed for the better. I hope and pray your family finds the same.
I had to make the choice to get sober, as your husband will. Luckily my family did not enable me too much. I was beyond angry when my husband threatened to leave and take the kids but now, that I'm sober and have a clear head, it was the best and most loving thing he could have done - it saved my life.
Best wishes!
I had to make the choice to get sober, as your husband will. Luckily my family did not enable me too much. I was beyond angry when my husband threatened to leave and take the kids but now, that I'm sober and have a clear head, it was the best and most loving thing he could have done - it saved my life.
Best wishes!
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Venice
he's taking Prozac for this but still seems depressed to me...
Check out:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
He sounds like my husband before we got married, but I did not see the anger until after we got married. And then it was like BAMM --angry married dude--like excuse me who was your role model. My husband has the best parents though, but even they admit that they went through some anger issues in their marriage. I will have to say that my husband's father has been a good influence in his recovery.
When my husband lost his job, he hit rock bottom--I reallly thought I needed to be a good wife and stay, and then I realized when he kept yelling at me at night for the craziest reasons, I realized I needed to take care of myself. There was nothing more I could do for him. And I did not want him in my life unless he was sober and he kept a job. I separated from him seven months into our marriage.
The last couple of years have been up and down--he would go through periods of sobriety and then relapse. His DUI went through in September of last year. He had the ignition interlock put on his car. And he has honestly had the best sobriety since then. He finally got a parttime job as a paralegal in January, and this job became fulltiime in May. We moved back in together again in May.
I am so thankful to God. I am so thankful to AA and the people on this soberrecovery site. This was a site he could go to when he was trying to recover.
His anger now is almost like he holds himself more accountable. Like he will get angry, and then he is like--oh sorry, or he will realize that he should not have gotten as angry, and we are able to just talk about it. Before, it was like he did not have any emotion or he was void of emotion. I like him better now. It is easier to love him. I like kissing him better now. And I feel our love is more equal. I am really proud of him.
When my husband lost his job, he hit rock bottom--I reallly thought I needed to be a good wife and stay, and then I realized when he kept yelling at me at night for the craziest reasons, I realized I needed to take care of myself. There was nothing more I could do for him. And I did not want him in my life unless he was sober and he kept a job. I separated from him seven months into our marriage.
The last couple of years have been up and down--he would go through periods of sobriety and then relapse. His DUI went through in September of last year. He had the ignition interlock put on his car. And he has honestly had the best sobriety since then. He finally got a parttime job as a paralegal in January, and this job became fulltiime in May. We moved back in together again in May.
I am so thankful to God. I am so thankful to AA and the people on this soberrecovery site. This was a site he could go to when he was trying to recover.
His anger now is almost like he holds himself more accountable. Like he will get angry, and then he is like--oh sorry, or he will realize that he should not have gotten as angry, and we are able to just talk about it. Before, it was like he did not have any emotion or he was void of emotion. I like him better now. It is easier to love him. I like kissing him better now. And I feel our love is more equal. I am really proud of him.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Boleo
If he is mixing pills and booze he is accelerating his addiction. From the way you describe his behavior I would expect to see serious heath issues within 2 years.
Check out:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Check out:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
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Pretty Violets,
I'm happy everything is working out well for you and your husband. You have every reason to be proud! I wish my story was yours. Unfortunately, I don't think my husband will get there as his denial about his drinking and anger is quite deep at this time, even if he had clarify at times in the past. I wish you continued happiness and love.
I'm happy everything is working out well for you and your husband. You have every reason to be proud! I wish my story was yours. Unfortunately, I don't think my husband will get there as his denial about his drinking and anger is quite deep at this time, even if he had clarify at times in the past. I wish you continued happiness and love.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Venice,
I'm a recovering alcoholic as well a recovering codependent (x)spouse of an alcoholic.
Alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse, not better. The only way alcoholics get better is through abstinence and recovery work. Moderation does not work for an alcoholic. Your husbands condition is progressing. He is now mixing alcohol with anti-depressants. I have taken Prozac, and mixed it with alcohol. I was told not to mix the drugs with alcohol because the effect would be like doubling or tripling the effect of each drink I took while on that anti-depressant.
Does alcoholism cause depression? Does depression trigger alcoholism? I think for me, alcoholism incubated my depression. Just kept it alive, festering. I am recovering from my alcoholism and I am finding that my depression is leaving. I have some blue days, but they don't last for weeks, weeks into months, into years.
The irritability, anger, short temper and barking from your husband is part of his addiction. It will not improve.
I'm a recovering alcoholic as well a recovering codependent (x)spouse of an alcoholic.
Alcoholism is progressive. It will get worse, not better. The only way alcoholics get better is through abstinence and recovery work. Moderation does not work for an alcoholic. Your husbands condition is progressing. He is now mixing alcohol with anti-depressants. I have taken Prozac, and mixed it with alcohol. I was told not to mix the drugs with alcohol because the effect would be like doubling or tripling the effect of each drink I took while on that anti-depressant.
Does alcoholism cause depression? Does depression trigger alcoholism? I think for me, alcoholism incubated my depression. Just kept it alive, festering. I am recovering from my alcoholism and I am finding that my depression is leaving. I have some blue days, but they don't last for weeks, weeks into months, into years.
The irritability, anger, short temper and barking from your husband is part of his addiction. It will not improve.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
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Posts: 64
Pelican,
Thank you for your very helpful reply. If you've seen my more recent thread on the Friends and Family site, you'll be aware that my situation with my AH is going downhill very very quickly. I am very concerned about the effect of Prozac with the alcohol and another poster told me in a PM that the combination would be very hard on the liver, already susceptible due to the alcohol. My AH and I share the same physician and I plan to discuss with him so he's aware and can provide the best treatment. Other posters have said he must be drinking more than what I describe but I'm really not that sure - is it possible the effect of his 6 drinks is more severe due to the combination with Prozac? Could the disease be progressing more rapidly because of this combination? He actually only started on the Prozac in November 2008.
Thank you for your very helpful reply. If you've seen my more recent thread on the Friends and Family site, you'll be aware that my situation with my AH is going downhill very very quickly. I am very concerned about the effect of Prozac with the alcohol and another poster told me in a PM that the combination would be very hard on the liver, already susceptible due to the alcohol. My AH and I share the same physician and I plan to discuss with him so he's aware and can provide the best treatment. Other posters have said he must be drinking more than what I describe but I'm really not that sure - is it possible the effect of his 6 drinks is more severe due to the combination with Prozac? Could the disease be progressing more rapidly because of this combination? He actually only started on the Prozac in November 2008.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I don't have the answer to your medical questions. I could not post them on SR even if I knew them. You may get answers by discussing this with your health care provider, but you have no legal right to information from them concerning your husbands care. (unless you have medical power of attorney)
Venice, this is the middle of August 2009. Your husband has been mixing antidepressants and alcohol approx 10 months. That's almost a year.
That's almost a year of your life. That's almost a year of the life of your children. Isn't your time, your precious time, worth more than chasing answers about him.
What will happen if the doctor tells you all the horrible side effects of mixing Rx drugs and alcohol? Do you think this information is powerful enough for you or your doctor to get your husband to stop this cycle of abuse? It's not.
I wish I had the right combination of facts and experiences for you to present to your husband. A combination so powerful it would cause him to stop in his tracks. So powerful it would ignite a fire of desire to live again. I'm just not that powerful. Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
I can offer you my experience, my hope, my support and my friendship.
Your husband has to choose for himself. He has to want sobriety more than anything else in his life. I had to want it more than my marriage, my career, my children, everything; because anything less and I would have lost it all.
Venice, this is the middle of August 2009. Your husband has been mixing antidepressants and alcohol approx 10 months. That's almost a year.
That's almost a year of your life. That's almost a year of the life of your children. Isn't your time, your precious time, worth more than chasing answers about him.
What will happen if the doctor tells you all the horrible side effects of mixing Rx drugs and alcohol? Do you think this information is powerful enough for you or your doctor to get your husband to stop this cycle of abuse? It's not.
I wish I had the right combination of facts and experiences for you to present to your husband. A combination so powerful it would cause him to stop in his tracks. So powerful it would ignite a fire of desire to live again. I'm just not that powerful. Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
I can offer you my experience, my hope, my support and my friendship.
Your husband has to choose for himself. He has to want sobriety more than anything else in his life. I had to want it more than my marriage, my career, my children, everything; because anything less and I would have lost it all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
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Posts: 64
Pelican,
You're right about everything you've said. Thank you for redirecting my focus to what REALLY matters. I'm at the point now where I'm more comfortable with the idea that we must live apart. I'm not sure exactly how I'll go about that but I have some ideas and I'm seeing a counselor today that I had stopped seeing a year ago to help me with this and I'm expecting to see an attorney on Friday.
You're right about everything you've said. Thank you for redirecting my focus to what REALLY matters. I'm at the point now where I'm more comfortable with the idea that we must live apart. I'm not sure exactly how I'll go about that but I have some ideas and I'm seeing a counselor today that I had stopped seeing a year ago to help me with this and I'm expecting to see an attorney on Friday.
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