SexyCeloryStick

I am back at zero, and there is a lot on my mind now. it is sad that when I relapse. the only thing I can really do is log onto the board and post my wrong doings.

Anyone here ever see the dave hassolhoff video of him relapsing eating a cheeseburger on teh floor? Apparently, I need that to happen to me. And to top that off, I believe to myself I need my wife to film it.

Here I am again, drinking behind my wifes back, with liqour in a water bottle, hidden away. There is so much on the line right now, and that is... my marriage.

Long story short, after 2months clean, my wife basically tells me that she honestly PISSED at me for the drunk I was. Even though I cleaned up..

two months obviusly wasnt much for her, but I can tell you it was one hell of an acheivement for me. We have a heart to heart, I can understand where she is coming from...

I relapsed two weeks ago, behind my wifes back. here I am again, only this time it is much more serious. the fact is that I get drunk now, and the ONLY thing I can think of issigning on to thisboard and posting tells me that im only thinking about one thing when I drink. my problem.

I vant even imagine my wife coming down at this point, because I would haev to attempt to hide the fact that I am drunk. This is why I am eating hot spicey stough to mask my breath from her for tomorro wmorning. I drink so much my breathe the dayafter still reaks.

There is so much I want to say right now, but my mind isnt clear, and cant function- even though I am a functional alcoholic.

When I read this tomorrow. I want myself to remember a few things.

- I am paranoid when I hear any sort of momment upstaits, because it may be the wife getting out of bed, coming down to see where i am
- Iam a damn fool to think that after 3 months of being sober, 2 times being drunk is exceptable.
- I am posting on a recovery board, when I used to think I would do things that would make me happy while i was drunk.
- I have to stop hiding this from my love. she deserrves better then me , especiallywhen I am sneaking around drinking.

I drink now because I want to feel fking normal. If i stay sober for 3 months, when I haev an urge to get drunk, why the F not. if I want to be a college kid at 23 who am I to blame? easpeciallty at one time every three months

While I have enough common sense in me, before I blackout... I am sorry to those in the forum that belieaved in me at this point. I dont know what else to say.

Now to another glass of vodka, with my hopes of me not doing somthing stupid

my inner soal says... seth you are better than this.

Dee74

I think you're better than this too, man.

no. There's a lot more you can do, S.
Are you prepared to do it?

Ask yourself tomorrow.
D

suki44883

((((Seth)))) You ARE better than this. Put the vodka down the drain and go to bed. Talk to your wife tomorrow and get some help. Tell her you want some help!

MycoolFitz

God we're just parodies of people. I did the sneak drinking, vodka in a water bottle, covering breath with onion, cough drops, whatever. So much time and energy wasted on playing an insane game, one that can't be won. I'm over 4 months sober and my wife's stil pissed at me as well. Why shouldn't she be, I was drunk a lot longer than I've been sober. So what's going tohappen when your wife catches your cheat drinking? She will you know? She probably already knows. You could quit, and not pick up again. It's doable, many people have. What do you want freedom or fear?

Taking5

So how did you stay sober for 3 months? Did you work any kind of program? Ever consider AA?

Gypsy Feet

very sad. I am hiding in my room, paranoid of every sound because my soon to be ex husband is drunk and I am afraid of contact. I am secretly washing clothes so that I can secretly pack so that I can secretly move a way from him, leaving all my dogs and such behind tomorrow.

I wish I could have talked to him, human to human today, with mutual respect and kindness, but he was well on his way to being drunk when I got home.

I deserve better. Your wife deserves better. Most importantly, you deserve better.

Firehazard

Wow, Thanks for sharing your situation it must really be bad. I was a hider

and secretive type as well and it kept going until my utilities got turned off.

BACK

Trying to feel normal did not work for me even after I first put down the drink.

At a year I still don't feel normal but now I don't want to. Growing out of that

will not happen while you are still drinking and doing it alone. We need each

other.

Jade19

Thanks for posting....it's posts like this that shock me back to my own drinking and where I never ever want to be again. I know what your feeling and it's true, you think your having a great time but what happens? You come to a sobriety board in angst...oh man, you are so much better than this!!!! You went 3 months before, you can do it again!!! I hope your ok and that your night is safe...

Thinking of you.....
Jade19

yeahgr8

What are you going to do different this time? Using your common sense it must be clear to see that this is not working!

Gypsey Feet - i really hope it all goes well for you today!

Sikkisirus

Im with Jade on this. I also hope you have a safe night. Best wishes to you.

OceanBound

I don't think shame alone will make you stop and stay stopped. You have to want it for yourself. You did something right for 3 months, you can do it again and add some other tools to your sobriety toolkit. Good luck!

Seekingsobriety

Het Seth.....................no one is perfect. But the time you quit was huge. You can do it again, you know that. Please try again, before you lose soemthing else to the drink.

You are too good of a man for this.

CarolD

Hmmm...
Driving license or not.....wife or no wife ..job stresses or not
sitting alone in the dark sucking down alcohol is
not ever going to make you feel normal.

Is that typical thinking and action for active alcoholics?


The AA program is an awesome adventure in how to
live sober and enjoy a healthy future.

All my best to you and your wife...

Rad44

Man. Your story is so similar to mine it's scary. I made it past the 90 day wall this time (4 months sober yesterday). This thread reminds me of why I am doing this. It's not so much the findning happiness I am persuing.....it's avoiding the misery.

ChameleonBoy

Focus everything you have on that because it is the truth and the seeking the truth is all we can do.

And it is worth it........"A guy once said the truth will set you free". Listen you your inner soul and ignore now all the BS that comes from the out side.


Please.

flutter

Listen closely to that voice telling you things like 'Seth you're better than this'..

I believe that too.

debs

Wow.

How true that statement is.

AcceptingChange

thanks for perfectly describing the sheer hell my addiction causes me.
the promise that i'll feel normal if i drink, the reality that i end up feeling sicker.
the promise that i'll feel calm, the reality that i feel more nervous.
the promise that i'm free to do what i want, the reality that i'm just the bottle's beahch, forever repeating the same mistake.

PurpleCat

(((Seth)))