hopless
 

hi im new to this forum but not to aa or recovery. any way i feel hopless i sober as i write this though only for 6 days. last week i had a relaspe after 3 months or soberity. ive had many periods sober. long periods such as 8 months 9 months and 1 year 8 months among others in the past 5 years. i alway relapse. i go to aa and have a sponsor. i have worked all the way though the 12 steps though when i worked them before i wasnt ready to stay sober i did think i was an alchoic then. i know today that i am an alchoic the last to times i was ready to do my fith step i relasped mabey i am afarid or doing 5 th step this time because i wrote my 4 th step and have things on it that i am deeply ashamed of that mabey i drink to get out admiting to these things. also i havent been to meeting since i realapesed. i am thinking about just being drunk and say srew sobiety but i dont want to live that way any more. i am so depresed and want to drink to feel nothing i just want to leve my town and head west to the mountians then i would feel better among the majectic peaks of the rockies. any way i feel so bad i sleep like 15 hours or more day.im on anti depreesents among other meds.
sorry for rambling
david r

Hi Hopeless, I just saw your post & wanted to get a "hi" in before you left. I will now finish your post ;-)

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Hi David,

You have a lot more sober time than I do so I would like to congratulate you on that if I may. You have found a great place to share with people that have been through some of the same things you are going through.

I have also been feeling hopeless in the last week or so, job situation, partner situation, finances blah blah blah.... even started to let my place go again (what a horrible thing that is ;-( Just started to work on some small spots & get things picked up again.

We need to forgive ourselves, we cant heal if we don't forgive ourselves. Its like picking that scab over & over whenever it starts to heal as bad as that sounds. Do you have family/friends you can turn to right now?

I am sure your AA group would love to see you again.

Please feel free to keep on sharing with us.

Best wishes,

NB

Hi David

I'm sure some AA members will be along to give you their experience and guidance on
your 5th step. What does your sponsor think?

Have you made sure you're on the right dose of anti-ds David? Seeing a Dr might help to clear up that area at least :dunno:

Anyway welcome to SR - this is a great place for support and encouragement. It's been a lifesaver for me many times.

good to have you aboard!
Welcome

D

Hi David,

Thanks for sharing your story.

Welcome to your new happy place!

You will find so much love and support here, I know I have.

Your new friend,

Faerie

Hello and welcome to the SR community.

It seems as if you have proven to yourself that drinking doesn't help you to become a person who is happy & free. It also sounds as if there are some areas in your life that need to be worked thru honestly with your sponsor and the God of your understanding. i would strongly suggest you stop trying so hard to "get it right" and begin living with a deeper sense of surrender. This is where the 'Let Go, Let God' can work a miracle on your thinking. Regardless of what you feel about yourself, we all have more in common with each other than many of us realize. That is why the "WE" of this way of life & recovery works so well.

i hope & pray that you begin to make your recovery a state of being
rather than just another list of things to do so you'll accept yourself.

My story is very similar to yours. I am not anti-AA by any means, but I didn't break the cycle till I stopped doing steps and started doing other things. I hear you are under a Doctor's care, that is good. Exercise and diet are in my opinion much more important that any step other than the 1st and even then I am not sure I am powerless in all senses of the word. The most important thing I think you are aware is just not to take a drink no matter what. To me it sounds as if you are still depressed. You might need to speak to your Doctor about it. Be a seeker and search and find what makes brings you joy in life. Force yourself to participate in life.

David,

The only way to be free of the things you are ashamed of, is to take them all the way through the steps. I'm just guessing here, but did you hold some of the worst things back the first time you 5th stepped them? We're there some things you could not bring yourself to admit?

The BB talks about that very thing happening. We only though we had humbled ourselves. We only thought we had lost our egoism and fear.

I can only tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes. Find a solution based meeting. Find a closed meeting, or a primary purpose meeting, or a book study, or one that prides themselves on sticking to the first 164 pages. Find the book thumpers in your local area. You know, the guys that you don't like all that much, who read from the book a lot at meetings. They will know where to go.

I suggest this only because I've seen it work so well with people that have been in AA but seem to keep missing it somehow. I've seen people turn their recovery right on its head by being engrossed in the solution carried in that book. They come out of that exposure having no idea what they were missing in the rooms of mainstream AA.

Welcome David, you will get a lot of support from the good people on here :c014:

My best wishes to you.