Why do we do it...?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
Why do we do it...?
I was so happy...
I fought... struggled... defeated the addiction...
For a few days...
I felt like a million bucks on day five...
I really, truly did...
So why did I go back?
Why did I relapse?
I knew what was in store.
I knew.
I want to be better... I want all of this to go away.
I've tried so very, very hard...
How do I make it go away for good?
I guess it's the million dollar question.
The guilt I feel is almost unbearable.
I guess I have to focus on the fact that tomorrow is a new day.
Thank God for that.
I fought... struggled... defeated the addiction...
For a few days...
I felt like a million bucks on day five...
I really, truly did...
So why did I go back?
Why did I relapse?
I knew what was in store.
I knew.
I want to be better... I want all of this to go away.
I've tried so very, very hard...
How do I make it go away for good?
I guess it's the million dollar question.
The guilt I feel is almost unbearable.
I guess I have to focus on the fact that tomorrow is a new day.
Thank God for that.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
For me, looking back Debs?
I was scared. The new can be very frightening - the old, however bad, can be...not comfortable, but familiar - the devil you know.
But it's your addictive mind doing the thinking....it's not great with trust or hope or long range forecasts.
I have a life now I could have only dreamed of then - and it's because I faced the fear, took the leap and didn't try to pull out....
I knew anything had to be better than the life I had...so I trusted the folks here...and they were right.
Very few of us manage the dive all the way the first time.
Took me 15 years. It needn't take anyone else that long.
Try again Debs - reach out - make a network...call numbers, sit in a meeting...post here before the battles over.
make it harder this time to give in
you can do this
D
I was scared. The new can be very frightening - the old, however bad, can be...not comfortable, but familiar - the devil you know.
But it's your addictive mind doing the thinking....it's not great with trust or hope or long range forecasts.
I have a life now I could have only dreamed of then - and it's because I faced the fear, took the leap and didn't try to pull out....
I knew anything had to be better than the life I had...so I trusted the folks here...and they were right.
Very few of us manage the dive all the way the first time.
Took me 15 years. It needn't take anyone else that long.
Try again Debs - reach out - make a network...call numbers, sit in a meeting...post here before the battles over.
make it harder this time to give in
you can do this
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Very few of us manage the dive all the way the first time.
Why the **** would I ever go back????
When I KNOW how I'll end up?
And it doesn't make it any easier that no one in my family (still living) is an alcoholic...
So none of them understand the pull of it.
Not to excuse it...
But it aint exactly as easy as 2 (plus) 2 to figure out.
They sure don't 'get' that...
All they get is what they think is morally/religiously/rightly sound...
Nothing else matters.
Thank you, tho, Dee.... you're an inspiration to me... on so many levels.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
Originally Posted by Dee74
I have a life now I could have only dreamed of then
And I want it more than anything else in the world...
But I still go back.
I wonder if I'll ever be as strong as you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Well I meant 'first time' poetically LOL
I used to give up finally at least once a week...multiply that by 15 years....it's a lot more than once LOL
I thought I'd die like that...
coming here was a grasping at straws thing for me...I looked at all the strong people here and thought - I'm not like them...no way. But I'll try....I won't drink today.
I just kept on not drinking every day - and that (and helping out here)....gradually I found my perceptions, my ideas, my life changed.
That's whats I needed.
I know you'll find what you need too Debs - but the first step is having the conviction that on the other side of the hard times of giving up is something pretty damn wonderful....and it's not being rich or powerful...it's being me (or you) and being free.
I dunno whether I'm strong or not - I just simply decided I couldn't live another day like I was - I decided I would trust the people here (some of who are still here) who told me it would all be ok ....if I stopped drinking.
Maybe it wasn't so much strength as it was faith
and I have that same faith in you, and everyone else I meet here - if I can do it? you can
D
I used to give up finally at least once a week...multiply that by 15 years....it's a lot more than once LOL
I thought I'd die like that...
coming here was a grasping at straws thing for me...I looked at all the strong people here and thought - I'm not like them...no way. But I'll try....I won't drink today.
I just kept on not drinking every day - and that (and helping out here)....gradually I found my perceptions, my ideas, my life changed.
That's whats I needed.
I know you'll find what you need too Debs - but the first step is having the conviction that on the other side of the hard times of giving up is something pretty damn wonderful....and it's not being rich or powerful...it's being me (or you) and being free.
I dunno whether I'm strong or not - I just simply decided I couldn't live another day like I was - I decided I would trust the people here (some of who are still here) who told me it would all be ok ....if I stopped drinking.
Maybe it wasn't so much strength as it was faith
and I have that same faith in you, and everyone else I meet here - if I can do it? you can
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
There are loads of guys/girls in AA your age, loads! Instead of asking people/family who don't have a clue what you are talking about get to a meeting and find someone of your own age who has sobriety and ask them how did you do it? We were all in our 20's once, this crap doesn't work by comparison, i.e. well he/she is 35 and i'm only 20 something, i'll get it sorted by then, i'm not that bad etc. You can do this:-)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I too returned to drinking ...many times
after I decided to stop. Why?
I'm an alcoholic....booze had been my
answer for everything for years.
feel bad? drink Feel good? drink.
Excited or bored? drink. .
Finally....I had to want to be sober
more than I wanted to drink regarless of anything else.
I learned how to live without alcohol and to enjoy
my new life useing God and AA.
I so hope you too will find your way
after I decided to stop. Why?
I'm an alcoholic....booze had been my
answer for everything for years.
feel bad? drink Feel good? drink.
Excited or bored? drink. .
Finally....I had to want to be sober
more than I wanted to drink regarless of anything else.
I learned how to live without alcohol and to enjoy
my new life useing God and AA.
I so hope you too will find your way
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Debs, use the relapse incident as fortification for your program.
* Perhaps what you were doing to remain clean/sober wasn't enough?
* What could you do differently this time around to achieve long term success?
* What other tools can you add to your program to make it stronger?
* Do you have a support network, do you use AA and/or NA?
Keep coming back.
* Perhaps what you were doing to remain clean/sober wasn't enough?
* What could you do differently this time around to achieve long term success?
* What other tools can you add to your program to make it stronger?
* Do you have a support network, do you use AA and/or NA?
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: TX
Posts: 542
debs, you would be hard pressed to find an alcoholic that has not had many failed attempts at sobriety. It is only a failure if you give up and die an alcoholics death. So many times I was so disappointed in my self for going back to the bottle. Do not beat yourself up over it, just pick yourself up and start over. If you want sobriety bad enough you can have it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Debs,
Read around this forum and you'll see your own story posted over and over. You are not the first person to repeat the experiement of drinking again. Somehow, some way, the insane idea wins out. This is the nature of alcoholism.
AA's Big Book asks the same question you did.
"Why does he behave like this? If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all its attendant suffering and humiliation, why is it he takes that one drink? Why can't he stay on the water wagon? What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters?"
And that book answers it thus.
" The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
You can believe this information or not. It doesn't matter at this time. What does matter, is what are you willing to do in order to recover? you can hang around this forum repeating the same thing, or you can do something different. You can commit whole-heartedly to doing whatever it takes to stay sober. This may require a lot more action than just gritting your teeth trying to not drink. It may require a revolutionary change in your way of thinking.
But just such a change can occur. That kind of change has happened for many of us, by many different paths. Regardless of path, most people with long term sobriety have undergone a substantial change in the way they relate to the world.
AA's 12 steps brought about that change in me. I'm not equipped to comment on other methods, but they all require a new way of looking at the world and your place in it.
Abandon yourself. Set aside your ideas on sobriety, alcoholism, and spirituality, and be open to new ideas.
I've seen this work on the most hopeless of cases, debs. I was once one of those hopeless cases.
Quotes from AA Big Book, 1st Ed.
Read around this forum and you'll see your own story posted over and over. You are not the first person to repeat the experiement of drinking again. Somehow, some way, the insane idea wins out. This is the nature of alcoholism.
Originally Posted by debs
Why the **** would I ever go back???? When I KNOW how I'll end up?
"Why does he behave like this? If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all its attendant suffering and humiliation, why is it he takes that one drink? Why can't he stay on the water wagon? What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters?"
And that book answers it thus.
" The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink."
You can believe this information or not. It doesn't matter at this time. What does matter, is what are you willing to do in order to recover? you can hang around this forum repeating the same thing, or you can do something different. You can commit whole-heartedly to doing whatever it takes to stay sober. This may require a lot more action than just gritting your teeth trying to not drink. It may require a revolutionary change in your way of thinking.
But just such a change can occur. That kind of change has happened for many of us, by many different paths. Regardless of path, most people with long term sobriety have undergone a substantial change in the way they relate to the world.
AA's 12 steps brought about that change in me. I'm not equipped to comment on other methods, but they all require a new way of looking at the world and your place in it.
Abandon yourself. Set aside your ideas on sobriety, alcoholism, and spirituality, and be open to new ideas.
I've seen this work on the most hopeless of cases, debs. I was once one of those hopeless cases.
Quotes from AA Big Book, 1st Ed.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Ask anyone over the age of 3 if they know what would make them happy and they will give you a long list of material possessions and accomplishments that they "think" will make them happy. The sad truth is that most humans really don't know what brings lasting happiness.
Student: What part of human thinking is delusional?
Nisargadatta Maharaj: 100%
Student: What part of human thinking is delusional?
Nisargadatta Maharaj: 100%
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,861
Debs,
THE FACT IS THAT MOST ALCOHOLICS, FOR REASONS YET OBSCURE, HAVE LOST THE POWER OF CHOICE IN DRINK. OUR SOCALLED WILL POWER BECOMES PRACTICALLY NONEXISTENT. WE ARE UNABLE, AT CERTAIN TIMES, TO BRING INTO OUR CONSCIOUSNESS WITH SUFFICIENT FORCE THE MEMORY OF THE SUFFERING AND HUMILIATION OF EVEN A WEEK OR A MONTH AGO. WE ARE WITHOUT DEFENSE AGAINST THE FIRST DRINK.
BB page 24
But there is a way up and a way out.
BB page 44
THE FACT IS THAT MOST ALCOHOLICS, FOR REASONS YET OBSCURE, HAVE LOST THE POWER OF CHOICE IN DRINK. OUR SOCALLED WILL POWER BECOMES PRACTICALLY NONEXISTENT. WE ARE UNABLE, AT CERTAIN TIMES, TO BRING INTO OUR CONSCIOUSNESS WITH SUFFICIENT FORCE THE MEMORY OF THE SUFFERING AND HUMILIATION OF EVEN A WEEK OR A MONTH AGO. WE ARE WITHOUT DEFENSE AGAINST THE FIRST DRINK.
BB page 24
But there is a way up and a way out.
IN THE PRECEDING chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. we hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the nonalcoholic.
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
Yall are just absolutely wonderful... I'm so grateful I've found SR...
tommy... You're so right on so many levels...
I have to just accept the fact that (as much as I'd like to believe that I'm strong enough with my own will power/determination) ... I can successfully and permanently stay off the bitch that is alcohol.... I cannot.
I'm unable.
I just can't.
I'm a very strong person...
I can do a lot of things.
But this, I cannot beat.
I must find a different way of 'fixing it'...
And that's what I'm gonna do.
As they say, the day you admit that you're not only an alcoholic, but also that you're POWERLESS over the addiction....
Is the day that you can begin to truly heal... for the first time.
tommy... You're so right on so many levels...
I have to just accept the fact that (as much as I'd like to believe that I'm strong enough with my own will power/determination) ... I can successfully and permanently stay off the bitch that is alcohol.... I cannot.
I'm unable.
I just can't.
I'm a very strong person...
I can do a lot of things.
But this, I cannot beat.
I must find a different way of 'fixing it'...
And that's what I'm gonna do.
As they say, the day you admit that you're not only an alcoholic, but also that you're POWERLESS over the addiction....
Is the day that you can begin to truly heal... for the first time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
hi debs,,i am ditto to what keith and navy steve say.i was a hopeless fall down drunk and i cannot even give you a figure anywhere near how many times i ended up bewildered as to "how had it happened again???".i have a completley new life free from compulsion to drink.this is thanks to the fellowship of AA and the 12 step recovery programme.i surrendered to win,,please give AA your best shot.you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 123
Debs,
I relapse because I am not happy with who I am. There are these deep secrets That I need to overcome in order to be successful in sobriety. So far I have done well this time. My own two cents, until I accept who I am completely, the risk of relapse will always be there. I am not perfect, I will never be perfect, but yet sometimes I still expect that I will not make mistakes.
I hope that I am not out of line, but if that is your picture in your avatar, looks are obviously not YOUR problem. Look in the mirror, dig deep, and if necessary find whatever it is that will help you stay sober. SR, AA, good friends, family, etc.
I relapse because I am not happy with who I am. There are these deep secrets That I need to overcome in order to be successful in sobriety. So far I have done well this time. My own two cents, until I accept who I am completely, the risk of relapse will always be there. I am not perfect, I will never be perfect, but yet sometimes I still expect that I will not make mistakes.
I hope that I am not out of line, but if that is your picture in your avatar, looks are obviously not YOUR problem. Look in the mirror, dig deep, and if necessary find whatever it is that will help you stay sober. SR, AA, good friends, family, etc.
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