exquisitered

I think they can understand about alcoholism/addiction, about the same as I can learn about something I have never experienced first hand. That can be very helpful for someone who is struggling. But it really isn't the same as someone who has been through it, too. When I first got sober I really resented my husband for not being more supportive. I didn't say anything, but inside I felt like he just didn't care. He never ask how I was feeling, or showed any interest in learning about what I was going through. I would even leave books laying around hoping he would read them and we could talk about it. I felt like I was going through the most important and difficult time of my life and I was hurt that he didn't "get" that, or seem to even care. I've finally come to realize how hard it was on HIM, too. He was dealing with way more anger and hurt than I ever even suspected while I was drinking, and it took me several months sober before I could see things clear enough to realize how bad he was hurting. But in early sobriety I COULDN'T see that, and frankly I almost used his disinterest as an excuse to drink again. Thankfully, I went to AA and here, instead. I found people who did understand how hard it was for me, and who have been through what I am going through. I'm not saying you HAVE to work with other alcoholics to stay sober, but I think we do HAVE to have some kind of support. And other recovering alcoholics are sometimes the only one you can turn to for that.

oops, I got a little off topic, but I think it still fits here. Thanks for letting me ramble and just being here when I need people who "get" me.
:ghug2

NoelleR

Can a non alcoholic truly understand? Well, they can understand the books, but, as an alcoholic/addict, I go to other alcoholics/addicts to help me recover.

I wouldn't dare try to help someone learn to swim if I didn't know how to swim, but I had read some books on swimming.....


NoelleR

matt88

The more I think about this one, the more I think 'understand' might be the wrong word. I think a non-alkie can understand. I mean we're talking addictions here not calculus based physics, lol. There's not really much that's difficult to understand or wrap your head around imo. I think a better word would be relate, or empathize. Also, a non alkie has probably been drunk and hungover before, so it's not an entirely foreign experience. And of course, knowledge and experience are not mutually exclusive entities.

bugsworth

While I understand the spirit of the post I am not sure what alcoholics expect non-alcoholics to understand. I think we are completely understood....it took some sobriety to finally see my addiction for what it was and for what it was not. The fact is I was selfish and didn't quit until I was ready...not a second before...nothing really to understand...we are exactly as we are viewed. JMO

achanceonu

Oh my goodness, you just summed up my whole life, and the difficulty I face everyday trying to explain to "normies" about my alcoholism. I am 13 months sober in 10 minutes and needed to read this. Thank you!!

McGowdog

Oh, but swimming lessons should be left to someone much more professional and qualified, like a doctor, psychiatrist or counselor.

Bamboozle

What?

Mark75

I think that was tongue in cheek Bam

Mark

Bamboozle

Of course, but what's the intent?

Mark75

I won't speak for him.

I find it entirely consistent with my experience... I have had the opportunity to work with more than a couple Docs and therapists... some in rehab and some after.

Those professionals that were recovering nailed it for me... Those who were non alkies didn't... And it wasn't because I was biased.... I didn't know their status until later.

So I believe that non alkies may understand, as you've said... but there is a degree of separation that minimizes their effectiveness (not always, there are exceptions....). I am perfectly willing to accept responsibility, that it may be my own bias...

But that's just my own experience.

Mark

LosingmyMisery

I think it is really difficult to understand the compulsion for more unless you lived it. Normal people expect control to kick in. I remember being so wasted, but wanting more. It is hard for me to understand because it just doesn't make sense, but my self-will was nil once I was filled with booze.

I have never had the compulsion for anything like I had for booze, ever. I like ice cream, but if I eat to much it will make me sick. I quit after eating a reasonable amount. I only make so much money. I know I have to pay my bills, so I only spend so much money. I budget to allow for bills and do not overspend because the consequences are not worth it.

I would take huge risks and was willing to deal with consequences when drinking. I live a very sensible responsible life. When I add booze, it all goes out the window. I know I wouldn't be able to understand it if I hadn't have lived it.

This is what got me to thinking. I commute to work every morning on the bus. A young man got on the bus and it was obvious that he was very high on something. If I had to guess, I would say meth. He was very loud and inappropriate, but I sensed that he probably viewed himself as being personable and friendly and had no idea that he was acting over the top. There were kids on the bus, with their mother, and I was afraid he was scaring the kids. Come to find out, early this am he kicked the plate glass window of our local pharmacy in to steal narcotics.

The compulsion and addiction was so uncontrollable that he resulted to breaking and entering to get more drugs. He broke the law to get more drugs and now will suffer the consequences. It sounds insane, and it is, but I know the compulsion, but I never took it to that extent, thank goodness. I hope this is the end of the line for this young man and he can move forward, do his time and leave the drugs behind him for good.

The irony of it all is that his dad works at a prison as an officer. I was talking with a fellow bus rider and we were discussing that his Dad probably is hoping that his son manages to stay out of prison. That very same day, he gets busted for this. Very sad...

battypatty

LMM: I have 14 days today. You told your story eloquently. I can remember how desperate to stop I was, but I can't remember specifics. I hope my memory will return as I am afraid to forget how bad it was. I will read your messages until I can remember my own.

Overman

I think there are certain features of alcoholism that only the alcoholic can understand, but do those intimate experiences really get in the way of another (non-alcoholic person) helping the addict?

I don't think it prevents 'normies' from having a basic understanding of addiction, the disease process, and the interventions and supports which are effective at treating it.

You don't have to have cancer to know that chemotherapy can help treat it.

You don't have to have a wound on your hand to know that a bandage can help heal it.

socialismislost

non-alcoholics can understand, but can't relate. That's the way I see it

McGowdog

Welcome BP. I don't know how this thread got bumped up, but it brings back memories.

I cannot reconcile in my own experience that we alcoholics are any different with regards to selfishness than "normies" on any given situation, be us drunk or sober. When we're drunk, we're drunk. It's like dancing with the 900 lb gorilla. When we're sobered up, we arise remorseful, and sometimes overcompensate. Then we heal up and drink again. The problem with us is that our selfishness kills us. We can ill-afford to be selfish.

For me, I don't do steps to get good like everybody else. I strive to set right the wrongs I've caused others despite their normal asses. They don't have to change one iota for me to be ok in this world. I can choose to interact with them or not.

Now... this notion that I sobered up when I was done drinking or when I had to... can't reconcile that with my experience either. I could have and should have quit for good and all way prior to when I did. I got away from the group and had screwed up priorites and wasn't giving the group much of my attention. I was gone a lot with work and I sort of placed myself in a position to be harmed or threatened. Before you knew it, I was drunk. They saw it coming. I didn't. It's not a mystery. Once I decided in, my life arranged itself around my recovery and I've never been the same and sobriety is a piece of cake. I'm doing the deal and wanting to. Sobriety is the result.

That's the way I see it.

OneForTheRoad

I always thought that 98% of all little boys masturbate. I assumed that the remaining 25 were liars, but maybe not......

CarolD

battypatty.....
Congratulations on your sober time
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