Question from a F&F
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Question from a F&F
I normally post on Friends and Family. Had a question for you folks about my ex. We divorced due to his alcoholism and infidelity, and have 4 kids together. He quit drinking in April, attended AA for a short while, then stopped. As far as I know he is not drinking now, but has been using prescription narcotics for an injury.
I know we are divorced and his business is his business, but his behavior has been quite erratic. One day says he wants to give up custody of the kids completely, the next says he didn't mean it. He says he wants no contact with me, then texts or calls endlessly. He goes between withdrawn/quiet and loud/beligerant. I was prepared to just move forward with taking full custody of the kids and moving on, then a friend suggested that possibly he is having some fog from quitting the drinking without any kind of treatment or recovery program. She suggested that I give him some time to see if he will regulate before I make a legal changes.
On one hand I feel like his choices, his consequences. But on the other hand I feel like if this is a common phenomenon I should wait and see. It's hard on the kids, and obviously they are my #1 priority. They are having no contact with him at this time because he is unstable and I would not put them in a potentially unsafe environment....such as if he decided to drive while on pain meds. He has not initiated any contact with 3 of the 4.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I appreciate your input. I do attend Alanon and counseling. I would go to the ends of the earth for my kids, and while I couldn't stay married to my ex, I still love him as a person and hope he finds freedom from the demons that posess him.
I know we are divorced and his business is his business, but his behavior has been quite erratic. One day says he wants to give up custody of the kids completely, the next says he didn't mean it. He says he wants no contact with me, then texts or calls endlessly. He goes between withdrawn/quiet and loud/beligerant. I was prepared to just move forward with taking full custody of the kids and moving on, then a friend suggested that possibly he is having some fog from quitting the drinking without any kind of treatment or recovery program. She suggested that I give him some time to see if he will regulate before I make a legal changes.
On one hand I feel like his choices, his consequences. But on the other hand I feel like if this is a common phenomenon I should wait and see. It's hard on the kids, and obviously they are my #1 priority. They are having no contact with him at this time because he is unstable and I would not put them in a potentially unsafe environment....such as if he decided to drive while on pain meds. He has not initiated any contact with 3 of the 4.
Anyway, thanks for listening. I appreciate your input. I do attend Alanon and counseling. I would go to the ends of the earth for my kids, and while I couldn't stay married to my ex, I still love him as a person and hope he finds freedom from the demons that posess him.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Hmmm. It sounds to me that he is either using alcohol or abusing the pain meds. That is not sober behavior, unless he has some other psychiatric issues...
I have been sober 14 months and have never been this unstable in my decisions. So I can say that this behavior is not true for all recovering alcoholics.
Do you allow him to be alone with the kids? What are you legally looking to change?
I have been sober 14 months and have never been this unstable in my decisions. So I can say that this behavior is not true for all recovering alcoholics.
Do you allow him to be alone with the kids? What are you legally looking to change?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Do you remember what he was like before he was addicted and alcoholic?
Yea, early sobriety is rough. For me, it was not an outward instability, the fog was internal. Not unpredictable. Your ex sounds like he is active in his addictions.
But whatever... If he is unstable, he is unstable... right? No matter the reason.
Good luck... it must be hard detaching from someone you love as a person. But, you must protect the kids...
Mark
Yea, early sobriety is rough. For me, it was not an outward instability, the fog was internal. Not unpredictable. Your ex sounds like he is active in his addictions.
But whatever... If he is unstable, he is unstable... right? No matter the reason.
Good luck... it must be hard detaching from someone you love as a person. But, you must protect the kids...
Mark
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
No, he hasn't been alone with the kids since his behavior started becoming erratic...a couple weeks now. He currently has joint custody, but does not want to take the kids overnight (which is a good thing right now) and his child support is based on # of overnights per year. So I would get more child support and could afford to get a sitter a few times a month so I get a much needed break.
Thanks for your input. I suspect narcotic abuse. He told my 13 year old that he has to take a lot of them because his pain is so bad, but then they make him puke. He has no drug history, but drank about a 30 pack a day for a year before he quit.
Thanks for your input. I suspect narcotic abuse. He told my 13 year old that he has to take a lot of them because his pain is so bad, but then they make him puke. He has no drug history, but drank about a 30 pack a day for a year before he quit.
Recovery Addict
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Victorville, CA
Posts: 3
Hi blessed4x,
There's an old axiom in AA that you should never date for the first year of sobriety. But there are a lot of folks out there that seem confused about why. It's not that we don't deserve love, and it's not that we don't have the abilities to be caring and tolerant and loving to others. The problem is that someone new in sobriety tends to be very confused sometimes. They are just beginning to open their minds to new ideas and possibilities that have been shut off inside them for many years. And yes, sometimes we make mistakes even though we believe we're trying to do the right thing. AA tells us that as newcomers we aren't going to be inspired at all times (even though we may expect that we are). We pay for those presumptions with all sorts of absurd thoughts and ideas. After 1,235 days I can tell you that I still find myself dreaming up all sorts of ridiculous stuff if I don't focus outside myself.
Your ex has a lot of work ahead of him. But remember that it's his work and not yours, and only he can do it. In the meantime your babies are your first and foremost concern. They actually ARE!!! your responsibility. So if you suspect your ex is playing both sides of the fence in his recovery, it's appropriate for you to be very concerned. You know him probably as well as anyone, to include his actions clean and not clean. He's already admitted he has a problem, so if he's not taking action to realign his life and there's a chance your kids could be "AT RISK" your path should be clear. Don't you think?
Best wishes for you and your babies. And your ex.
There's an old axiom in AA that you should never date for the first year of sobriety. But there are a lot of folks out there that seem confused about why. It's not that we don't deserve love, and it's not that we don't have the abilities to be caring and tolerant and loving to others. The problem is that someone new in sobriety tends to be very confused sometimes. They are just beginning to open their minds to new ideas and possibilities that have been shut off inside them for many years. And yes, sometimes we make mistakes even though we believe we're trying to do the right thing. AA tells us that as newcomers we aren't going to be inspired at all times (even though we may expect that we are). We pay for those presumptions with all sorts of absurd thoughts and ideas. After 1,235 days I can tell you that I still find myself dreaming up all sorts of ridiculous stuff if I don't focus outside myself.
Your ex has a lot of work ahead of him. But remember that it's his work and not yours, and only he can do it. In the meantime your babies are your first and foremost concern. They actually ARE!!! your responsibility. So if you suspect your ex is playing both sides of the fence in his recovery, it's appropriate for you to be very concerned. You know him probably as well as anyone, to include his actions clean and not clean. He's already admitted he has a problem, so if he's not taking action to realign his life and there's a chance your kids could be "AT RISK" your path should be clear. Don't you think?
Best wishes for you and your babies. And your ex.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Blessed,
I'm not a marriage counselor, an attorney, or a social worker. I am a recovered alcoholic that works with newcomers. On occassion, I've worked with the families of alcoholics.
HDChaz makes some good points about early recovery being difficult. It can take some time to find your way. That said, based on what you have shared, it is highly doubtful that there is any recovery going on here at all. I don't know why I'm treading so lightly. TTOSBT said it well. What you describe is not sober behavior. Attended AA for a while is not recovery.
The chapter "To Wives" in AA's Big Book is a really good set of spiritual directions for spouses of alcoholics. It is extremely soft on an alcoholic in early recovery. But it assumes that the alcoholic is taking the steps, and it suggests giving them some leeway. That's an important caveat. Once the program has been offered, as it has in your ex's case, it's up to him. We give some leeway if they are working the solution. If they are not, we don't waste our time.
Your situation falls squarely in the don't waste your time category. He may find some recovery someday, but it doesn't sound like he is finding any right now. How much you are willing to wait is up to you.
I'm not a marriage counselor, an attorney, or a social worker. I am a recovered alcoholic that works with newcomers. On occassion, I've worked with the families of alcoholics.
HDChaz makes some good points about early recovery being difficult. It can take some time to find your way. That said, based on what you have shared, it is highly doubtful that there is any recovery going on here at all. I don't know why I'm treading so lightly. TTOSBT said it well. What you describe is not sober behavior. Attended AA for a while is not recovery.
The chapter "To Wives" in AA's Big Book is a really good set of spiritual directions for spouses of alcoholics. It is extremely soft on an alcoholic in early recovery. But it assumes that the alcoholic is taking the steps, and it suggests giving them some leeway. That's an important caveat. Once the program has been offered, as it has in your ex's case, it's up to him. We give some leeway if they are working the solution. If they are not, we don't waste our time.
Your situation falls squarely in the don't waste your time category. He may find some recovery someday, but it doesn't sound like he is finding any right now. How much you are willing to wait is up to you.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
He's been sober for 8 months. His behavior is not that of a sober person. Period.
Maybe he's just a jerk? Maybe the drugs he's doing are messing him up. I know after I quit drinking, if I was handed a bottle of pain pills (what is he 'injured' from anyways? can he not heal? is it a life long chronic condition umanageable by non-narcotic therapy?), I'd take a ton of them too.. to get all f'd up.
Either way, all you can do is protect yourself and your kids from that insanity. I would imagine he'd need to earn the time and custody based on a PATTERN of continuous effort and behavior. Just my opinion.
Maybe he's just a jerk? Maybe the drugs he's doing are messing him up. I know after I quit drinking, if I was handed a bottle of pain pills (what is he 'injured' from anyways? can he not heal? is it a life long chronic condition umanageable by non-narcotic therapy?), I'd take a ton of them too.. to get all f'd up.
Either way, all you can do is protect yourself and your kids from that insanity. I would imagine he'd need to earn the time and custody based on a PATTERN of continuous effort and behavior. Just my opinion.
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