Bamboozle

Wozers, 5 meds? I'm on 3--one for blood pressure and 2 for depression.

You should be able to find a combo that doesn't numb you out.

It's amazing being on the right thing...negative thoughts are rare. I don't feel like I'm taking any medication. Many of the side effects I first felt, like upset stomach and sleepiness, are going away.

I just feel good. The good feelings are real...it's not like being high or drunk.

Hang in there, Clay. It is possible to find the right combination so you can move in a positive direction in life. Keep talking to your doctor and therapist.

Bamboozle

Clay, I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is the depression talking. You've told me this before in a couple of PM's. You were right, and I'm telling you now this is your illness in control. Take back control. I cannot stress enough how important it is to find the right meds and right dosages. It makes a world of difference.

tyler

I don't know what to say, other than what I've already said. Just keep plugging away. I've been exactly where you are at, said and felt the same things. Sometimes it just gets better on it's own, sometimes meds need to be adjusted, sometimes it just takes time for the right things to happen.

I'm a Dallas Cowboys fan (no haters please!!) and when I feel like you are feeling now I think fo Emmitt Smith. When he'd be on a run play and there were like 3 guys in front of him and there was no chance of a play, he'd just put his head down, keep his feet moving and power into it. Sometimes he'd get stopped dead in his tracks, but more often he'd make a couple of yards where there were really none to be had and sometimes he'd break it out for a long run. That's what I try to do when I feel like the world is just blocking me. Put my head down and just try to keep my feet moving, one in front of the other, eventually it gets better.

As for your threripist, are you truly being truthful with them? Do you really let them know the feelings that are going on inside you? Do you follow the suggestions they are giving you to the best of your ability? If you can answer yes to all of these, I'd say you need to find another theripist, as this one isn't working out for you. That is neither your nor their fault. A therpits is a very personal relationship, and you need to feel completely comfortable with them. If they are not helping you, you are wasting your time and money and theirs too. Just some suggestions. Hang in there man, it really will get better. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but you can do this. Take care.

ClayTheScribe

There's nothing I can really do about the meds at this point. I take Effexor XR, Geodon, Lithium, ProVigil (going off of that), Trazedone to help me sleep, and now Wellbutrin. I don't feel numb because of the medications, I'm just avoiding the feelings of guilt, shame and self-hatred I know I'm going to have to own up to later. I'm trying to get off the Lithium but my shrink says I need a few more months of sobriety off alcohol before he'll taper me off, even though I've read studies that Lithium doesn't really help unipolar depression. It's the Geodon mainly that makes me tired and I take like 120 mg a day. It's supposed to help with anxiety. And I don't want to go up on any of my meds because I'm afraid it'll make me feel more fatigued and zombie-like and I'll just be late to other important things in my life. I figure if all these medications doesn't work, there's no combination that's going to work and I fear being on more that'll make me a zombie. My shrink doesn't seem to really give a s*it so long as I'm not killing myself (though sometimes I tell him I'm having suicidal thoughts and he has no reaction other than to tell me to talk with my therapist). I feel he knows what he's doing, but other times I'm not sure. Sometimes I think he's more interested in getting paid than caring about his patients. I don't know if I have the energy to find another psychiatrist who's not emotionally vacant. Whatever.

And yes I'm being completely honest with my therapist about how I feel. She just asks me more questions and sometimes gets side-tracked. The only real suggestions she has given me is to say Hi to women I see when I'm out more, deep breathing exercises and we did some EMDR stuff for urges. Nothing to really help me with my depression and suicidal thoughts. But I see her this Friday and I'm going to be more forceful with her that I need more solutions. But I'm really considering another therapist, maybe a DBT therapist. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from my therapist. My last therapist was so kick-ass but she had to let me go because she wasn't trained to treat addictions.

I just feel like I have to go through all this pain so I can be happy later on and so I can appreciate the joyous moments more, though sometimes it doesn't seem like a worthy exchange.

bohemianzen

you seem to be some better today -- i'm glad. and trying to come up with some solutions. i think it's good that you are thinking about being an active participant in your therapy and make some decisions on what to do. good luck on finding another person to help you if that's what your decision is.

tyler

I've heard good things about DBT therpy, though I dont' personally have any experience with it. If your current theripist isn't working out, don't be afraid to find someone who can help you. This is your life you are messing with!! Might not hurt to look for a different psychitrist also, though I know they are often hard to find. Took me 2 months after I moved to find a new one, and another month to get in. But again, if it's not working for you, it might be worth it. Take care.

HDChaz

Hi Clay. I wish I could get you sitting here with me for about one hour. I really feel like you need that. Someone just willing to sit and listen to what you have to say, and maybe share with you a little about how screwed up their live has been too. Maybe even some ways to get back to something like normal.

I guess we've all felt like you at some point or another. Some more and some less, but if your an alcoholic like me, then you feel like your situation is really the only one that matters. At least for today. I was hoping I could ask you a question. Clay, you seem to be saying that you are unhappy with yourself, and your abilities (or lack thereof), your sexuality, and pretty much your life in general, right? If these things are true, than perhaps a different approach is warranted?

Other people can change our "Moments in Life", but the only lasting changes in the "Direction of our Life" come through our own ACTIONS. It sounds to me like you're taking action now, and that's good. I think it's good that you recognize you aren't happy with your current situation. Your posting here says that you have some willingness to reach out at least to the degree that you can see the ideas of others that may give you some new direction. You recognize that you aren't comfortable in the field of your education so you can begin immediately to look for alternate options. Your diploma is just a starting point to demonstrate to others that you are willing to carry something through. It sounds like you've made great progress on that and soon, you'll be a graduate.

Someone once said that we are our own worst critics. As human beings it seems like we're all out there measuring ourselves against everyone else. The irony of it all is that if every human being is out there measuring themselves, exactly whom are we measuring ourselves to? So here's a suggestion that seems to work pretty good for me. Whenever I'm in a situation where I have doubts about myself, I seek to nail down my motivation for that feeling. Is it selfish and self serving? Or is it a genuine effort to bring Love, Joy, and Happiness to someone else? I've come to find that the more I work toward making other people's lives better, the better my life becomes. Period.

I know it's a hard thing to swallow sometimes but when we talk about taking our own lives, or if I worry about the way I look, or if I can't get the dream job I really want, I'm really thinking too hard about myself. The cure is to immediately do something for someone else as soon as I can. If I think I'm a victim of wrong thinking, I call someone I trust quickly and discuss it with them. We're all inherently selfish, it's a natural instinct. But it's our ability to reach out to others that makes us special and unique.

I sincerely hope you will find your way through your current crisis. By doing so, you will greatly enhance your ability to someday help someone else who feels just like you do today. Best Wishes and God bless.

littlefish

ClayTS: One of the things I noticed about your posts is that you have described some of your worries as problems. Let's agree that the definition of worry is obsessing that something bad might happen in the future. So, if something hasn't happened yet, is it a problem? Or, is it a worry?

Failing to get a job after graduation, or getting a bad job after graduation are things that haven't happened to you yet. (If I understand your posts correctly...)

However, you have mentioned having letters of rejection now, before graduation. So, let's say that falls into the category of present problem and not a worry.

Okay, can you say for sure that letters of rejection are based on conclusion: 1) you are a bad writer. 2)you are a good writer but need more experience, and future employers would prefer to hire a graduate. 3) you are a good writer but the job market is extremely competitive and only a small percentage of the top graduates from the best schools, (who have a minimum of 2 to 5 years of experience), are getting the interviews, and, only 1 person out of that 3% who got interviews out of 800 non-interviewed applicants will get the job.

Sounds far fetched? Not really. That's what the job market was like for me 25 years ago when I worked in graphic design in a large US city. (I often called the companies and asked what the volume of applicants was.)
Where am I going with this? Well, sure you can draw the conclusion you are "worthless", a subjective analysis, 1), or you can be objective, conclusions 2) or 3).

I have a hunch, and I don't think I would be far off the mark, that your situation probably matches 3), not 1).

And, on another note, you might have to work at an entry level job that is something less than the dream job, but can you be absolutely sure you will be miserable in the job?

I can only echo the remarks of the people here who suffer from depression themselves: they have told you they recognise themselves in your posts here.

I'm just curious: do you have a clinical diognosis? If not, it sounds like your plan to pressure your shrink and your therapist for a diagnosis (if you don't have one) and/or a systematic plan of recovery is a very good one. I can certainly understand your frustration, too. Having a bad therapist is NOT better than having no therapist at all. I sometimes wonder if it is worse. I fired two therapists who made me feel like we were trying to make soup out of air. Please keep trying until you find someone who can offer something better.

Nobody here can tell you if you are clinically depressed, an alcoholic or addicted to drugs. And, few people here can probably give you expert or professional advice. The best they can do is mention how they solved problems that are similar to yours.

On that note, I can offer up my modest bit of advice for what it is worth, and I hope you do not find it overly simplistic. I am struck by the fact that you have so many problems. And, that is extremely overwhelming. Most folks encounter one or two fairly serious problems at a time, but it is unusual and rather frightening when we feel that we are literally swimming in problems.
I found myself in that situation a while back. I felt like everything was being thrown at me at once: a failing marraige, a handicapped child with serious problems transitioning to young adulthood, another child failing in school and computer gaming addicted, codependent for three alcoholic brothers, Conservator and Guardian for a double diagnos mentally ill/alcoholic brother, smack in the middle of a nasty inheritance money dispute, unemployed, myself a chronic alcoholic whose neglected and traumatized child within decided to finally make her appearance in strange and disturbing ways during my 50 year crisis. Wheeeeee, like the queen said, it was an ....um, well, a bad year so to speak.

I felt like I had so many problems all at the same time that I had to pick the one that was the worst, (and was preventing me from solving all the other ones), and work on that one. And only that one.
Maybe that might be a place for you to start. What would you say is your most serious issue?

And, you know, when I did that, it was such a huge relief to put all the rest of the problems on hold. I just told myself I can't fix those other problems right away. I'll fix them when I can.
I know that comes pretty close to the serenity prayer in AA, but strangely enough, I didn't hear that prayer until I had already started using it.....

LosingmyMisery

Trust me on this one, it is more than a worthy exchange. My suffering has taught me the true meaning of gratitude. When I am confronted with an obstacle, I treat it as a bump that can be easily resolved in time. I know that things can always be worse. At my worse I was drunk every minute of the day living in my bedroom and only coming out to buy more booze. I was not functioning and waking each day was a pain I could not bare to face. Living through that and knowing from the darkness is a tunnel of light we all can pass through, makes me grateful for the littlest of things. When I start feeling down, I think back to my darkest moments. That is when I say to myself, it can always be worse. I am sober today and I can deal with life sober. If I were to pick up a drink, that is the day I enter back into the dark hole. I can't go there and I won't. I like living in the light much better, without a doubt. You will find your way. Don't give up and keep fighting for yourself. This to shall pass. I know you do not believe in God, but that does not mean you can not have faith in finding recovery.

CarolD

HDChaz......Thanks for joining us
Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum....

otterbearcat

Wow, 5 meds seems like a lot.

It sounds like 3 of them are anti-depressants.

Have you considered a different Dr?

ClayTheScribe

It's worry, but also a problem in that I haven't nailed a job yet. I graduate in less than two weeks.

I'm willing to admit I'm a good writer because others say I am. I do need more experience but can't get experience without a job. 3) is the closest to the problem, but doesn't make me feel any better sorry. Actually makes me feel more depressed.

I feel worthless, I don't posit that I am. But I'm obviously not good enough of a writer, or more accurately, a interviewer to hire.

I'm most afraid of getting into a job I am not qualified for or at which I suck. I can barely do the journalism thing right right now.

I don't know how much you know about diagnosis for mental illness, but they're ultimately useless. I have major depression but am being treated in part with bipolar meds and an antipsychotic. I'm giving my therapist one last chance this Friday and then I'm moving on, probably to a DBT therapist.

I have major depression and I'm addicted to alcohol and pot. Knowing that does me no good really, just makes me depressed.

Again, another reason I hate myself. My problems are so few compared to what you and others have gone through I know I should just run through them and be victorious. But I feel so tired and defeated. Either way I don't care if I make it through this alive or not as long as the pain ends.

My most serious problem is that I don't have a job and I need to find a new one, but I don't have the energy. I barely have enough energy to do my internship. Also because I don't have a job I might not be able to pay the speeding ticket I got fined for tonight. I'll start looking for jobs knowing I have no chance in hell of landing one.

I went to the liquor store tonight. Sat there for 5 minutes debating the pluses and minuses and then drove home. I wonder if I'll have that restraint tomorrow?

ClayTheScribe

I've been through 3 psychiatrists in my life, they have all been cold and emotionally walled off, which is understandable to a point. My last shrink put me on the Geodon and Lithium when she thought I was bipolar, at which point I left and I think my new doctor has been too afraid to pull me off them. He says I need more sobriety before he'll lower the Lithium. I feel I might have to threaten him and my therapist with suicide to make them do something, though they might have me locked up then, which is maybe where I belong. At least there I'd be so drugged up I wouldn't feel. I may have to stop the Wellbutrin because it's giving me heartburn and stomach problems. Oh well, at least I have more pills in case I do decide to try and kill myself.

otterbearcat

Dont do it man, you are worth it and things will get better.
Depression has got its grip on you.

And this is not medical advice but IMHO all these drugs could be making it worse and making it feel impossible to handle this situation.

But you can handle it.

Did you like your job? If you didnt you are free.

Yeah it is rough out there, I am currently unemployed and waiting to see if I can get unemployment insurance. It isnt like it is unreasonable to be concerned about not having a job.

But right now, in this moment, you went to the liquor store and came home empty handed. You have something to be proud of. You resisted. You are strong.

I know you will get out of this.

sandrawg

Hi Clay,

I'm sorry you got fired but you sound somewhat better.

I am chronically late to my job, too. It was mentioned in my performance review. You know, there are jobs where you don't have to work on a timeclock. I had one for several years and probably should find another! I am just not a morning person.

I had a very good friend who was in your shoes. Man, he was so depressed. I used to take him to the beach but even that wouldn't cheer him up. He went on Lexipro. I am not usually a psych meds kind of person, but it made a huge difference in him.

He eventually went off of it but while he was on it, he learned CBT -cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT is actually the most effective treatment for depression. After a while, he went off the drugs and now practices CBT.

THe theory behind CBT is your thoughts influence your feelings which influence your actions, and the goal is to change your thoughts. CBT trains you to change your thought processes. For ex., going from "worst case scenario" to "best case scenario." It might help you.

Good luck!

sandrawg

No no no you don't want to be locked up. There's no healing there. I know someone who was in a psych ward-it is a hellish place-it will only make you more suicidal...they will drug you but it's not enough so you won't see how horrible that place is and how off the charts out of touch with reality some of those people are. Things happen in there that no one should ever see.

ClayTheScribe

Oh I'm worth it 'cause I'm capable of being anything, even being a corpse. The question is if the depression's worth it.

Oh I'm sure you're right, but I'm stuck, or addicted to them. That's how the mental health industry works--keep 'em sick so you have customers for life. If I go off of them, I WILL kill myself. I did just that and almost did kill myself four years. Back then I was only taking Effexor. I've accepted that I'm going to need to take these the rest of my life, until my liver fails from too much Lithium over a prolonged period of time. Then I'll have real pain to deal with.

I hope you're right, but we'll see.

It was a dishwashing job and ironically I was starting to enjoy it when they hired another dishwasher I work with last month. I really liked the people I worked with and I'll miss them. I hated other parts, mostly the management and the special treatment some employees got, but that's everywhere in corporate America. You just accept it. Since I was written up for being late the last time I got written up I have been on edge about getting to work on time and really tried. Then I got stupid and lazy, or just the fear took me over, or I felt too comfortable and showed up late Sunday. That's why I feel like raking myself over the coals, at least emotionally. I haven't got desperate enough to cut or burn myself, yet. I don't want to die right now because I want to see how much suffering I can take before I snap. At least gives me something to look forward to.

Yeah, but I can tell already that tomorrow I won't have the same resistance. Maybe I need to have another reminder of why I'm sober.

ClayTheScribe

Aside from being a novelist (which is impractical because it brings in unstable income, especially when you're not a great writer), most of all the jobs I want have times you have to be there by. There are relatively few jobs where punctuality is not important.

Did Lexapro for like a year, didn't cut it for me. Effexor has been the most effective. I'm honestly surprised someone with severe depression can recover with only need Lexapro, but good for him.

Yep, I've doing CBT for 3 years now. I don't know sometimes what model my current therapist is using, but she's mentioned CBT a couple times. CBT's great, but can only do so much when your chemicals are out of wack. Or you're really depressed. Then there's only so much logic your therapist can offer before you're able to convince yourself of your irrational thoughts. Then you may get locked up.

Faerie

Clay,

You did so well to walk out of that liquor store empty handed, that's something to feel good about.

Zencat

I cant argue or dispel or counter the depression your going through. I know...I've been there. At these times all reassurances from others seem to fall short. It is the depression that makes this so.

In my worst depressive state there was a continence to step beyond my deepest fears. It was to cultivate hope regardless of my emotional despair. Am I one of the few that was capable of this? I think not. I was hard pressed to do it...it took time...I remained persistent...it made a difference as it continues to do so today.

I encourage you to counter and dispel those depressive thoughts that would have you at the end of your rope. What better place to do this here, at SoberRecovery where caring others (like myself) can encourage you along your way to a better day.