On the verge
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
clay,
i'm sorry you're feeling so low. I do hope all the best for you.
Your feelings sound strong. But please don't harm yourself in any way.
You're not a loser. No one else is a winner. There is no contest. There is nothing to compare yourself against. You're different than other people, just like i'm different than other people, just like all 6 billion of us are different than the others. If you feel that because you're different you're a "loser" or a "winner", then you're accepting the crazy distinctions that others are putting in your head. No one can be happy unless they stop comparing themselves to others, and just accept the fact that they are here, now, living, part of the earth, part of this world.
I can't speak for you, but i do know that some people really enjoy their freedom. They enjoy exploring the beautiful books, music, landscapes and hobbies that are available. If none of these appeal to you, you should really talk to a therapist. I guarantee you will have different feelings in 6 months, in 12 months. Feelings come and go. Therapy helps. Both talking therapy, and chemical therapy. You're already self-medicating, like me, and it only works to a point. A psychiatrist can fine-tune the medications so it works much better than the sledgehammer knockouts of booze and pot.
Please don't harm yourself, please don't compare yourself.
And if it's too overwhelming, please help yourself by getting assistance from professionals who've studied these problems for many, many years and have the tools, background and resources to help you during this difficult time in your life.
We all sympathize with your pain, and know how painful it is.
But there are ways to handle it.
If you're a reader, you may enjoy this book.
Amazon.com: Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness (Modern Library): William Styron: Books
you've got friends here at SR. Thanks for all your wonderful posts.
We really appreciate you.
i'm sorry you're feeling so low. I do hope all the best for you.
Your feelings sound strong. But please don't harm yourself in any way.
You're not a loser. No one else is a winner. There is no contest. There is nothing to compare yourself against. You're different than other people, just like i'm different than other people, just like all 6 billion of us are different than the others. If you feel that because you're different you're a "loser" or a "winner", then you're accepting the crazy distinctions that others are putting in your head. No one can be happy unless they stop comparing themselves to others, and just accept the fact that they are here, now, living, part of the earth, part of this world.
I can't speak for you, but i do know that some people really enjoy their freedom. They enjoy exploring the beautiful books, music, landscapes and hobbies that are available. If none of these appeal to you, you should really talk to a therapist. I guarantee you will have different feelings in 6 months, in 12 months. Feelings come and go. Therapy helps. Both talking therapy, and chemical therapy. You're already self-medicating, like me, and it only works to a point. A psychiatrist can fine-tune the medications so it works much better than the sledgehammer knockouts of booze and pot.
Please don't harm yourself, please don't compare yourself.
And if it's too overwhelming, please help yourself by getting assistance from professionals who've studied these problems for many, many years and have the tools, background and resources to help you during this difficult time in your life.
We all sympathize with your pain, and know how painful it is.
But there are ways to handle it.
If you're a reader, you may enjoy this book.
Amazon.com: Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness (Modern Library): William Styron: Books
you've got friends here at SR. Thanks for all your wonderful posts.
We really appreciate you.
On the path to self discovery
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 161
Hi Clay,
I have seen and have received your many posts about supplements.
I do think this is the depression talking.
I have been VERY depressed for a VERY long time.
I started taking 5 HTP 3 weeks ago and the difference is outstanding.
It is natural, not a prescription anti-depressant.
If you are even the least bit interested in hearing my experience on it just ask or PM me.
It sounds like you are suffering and I am very sorry. :ghug2
I have seen and have received your many posts about supplements.
I do think this is the depression talking.
I have been VERY depressed for a VERY long time.
I started taking 5 HTP 3 weeks ago and the difference is outstanding.
It is natural, not a prescription anti-depressant.
If you are even the least bit interested in hearing my experience on it just ask or PM me.
It sounds like you are suffering and I am very sorry. :ghug2
problem with authority
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 870
I really like this essay by Alan Harris:
Suicide
"When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves."
The unwelcome truth cannot really be communicated to us adequately through words at all. It must flow from the very marrow of our bones. There may need to be sleepless nights, flaming anger, tears by the pint, gnashing of teeth, and even some more glimpses into the chasm of death before we can slowly awaken from our nightmare of self-imprisoning separateness or egoism. When hope dawns again, as it usually does, we begin to see life's inevitable misfortunes and disappointments not as deuces dealt out by a heartless deity from a stacked universe, but as opportunities--for growing, for learning, and for aiding fellow strugglers. Each failure teaches us a valuable lesson in the "dear school" of experience--a lesson which advances us toward a more useful attitude of self-forgetfulness and one-pointedness (by which is meant "pointed towards the One"). When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves.
Suicide
"When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves."
The unwelcome truth cannot really be communicated to us adequately through words at all. It must flow from the very marrow of our bones. There may need to be sleepless nights, flaming anger, tears by the pint, gnashing of teeth, and even some more glimpses into the chasm of death before we can slowly awaken from our nightmare of self-imprisoning separateness or egoism. When hope dawns again, as it usually does, we begin to see life's inevitable misfortunes and disappointments not as deuces dealt out by a heartless deity from a stacked universe, but as opportunities--for growing, for learning, and for aiding fellow strugglers. Each failure teaches us a valuable lesson in the "dear school" of experience--a lesson which advances us toward a more useful attitude of self-forgetfulness and one-pointedness (by which is meant "pointed towards the One"). When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Clay, I've checked back on this thread several times this afternoon, trying to figure out how to respond. Thankfully there have been some very helpful, caring, and supportive posts, I honestly have no clue what to say to you.
Typically when someone shares about suicide I post a meditation that was very helpful to me, rather than sharing the whole thing again I'm just going to share the opening thought......
Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more. And we also once. Never again. But this having been once, although only once, to have been of the earth, seems irrevocable.
—Rainer Maria Rilke
Once only and never again. Wow. But to be of this earth seems irrevocable? I intrepret that to mean that I'm here for a purpose, and I'm not done until God says so. Maybe I'm just doomed to share on SR forever. Lol.
I really appreciate the "info-posts" you share with our members in the other forums, but I have to admit that what I like most about Clay The Scribe is the honesty I hear in posts like this, and I hope you continue to "peel back more layers of the onion" and reach out for help and support in your recovery. Your post in Gratitude is really cool, at least once I got beyond the self-pity that made me wince. You're better than that Clay, you're a fine human being. I hope you learn in time to be gentle on yourself.
And I'm sorry buddy, but I don't agree that it takes a lot of bravery to willingly leave this world. The truly brave will do whatever it takes to achieve emotional sobriety and recovery, we'll fight this disease to the bitter end, and we'll be winners. So how about joining us? I'd be honored to walk this path in recovery with you.
Typically when someone shares about suicide I post a meditation that was very helpful to me, rather than sharing the whole thing again I'm just going to share the opening thought......
Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more. And we also once. Never again. But this having been once, although only once, to have been of the earth, seems irrevocable.
—Rainer Maria Rilke
Once only and never again. Wow. But to be of this earth seems irrevocable? I intrepret that to mean that I'm here for a purpose, and I'm not done until God says so. Maybe I'm just doomed to share on SR forever. Lol.
I really appreciate the "info-posts" you share with our members in the other forums, but I have to admit that what I like most about Clay The Scribe is the honesty I hear in posts like this, and I hope you continue to "peel back more layers of the onion" and reach out for help and support in your recovery. Your post in Gratitude is really cool, at least once I got beyond the self-pity that made me wince. You're better than that Clay, you're a fine human being. I hope you learn in time to be gentle on yourself.
And I'm sorry buddy, but I don't agree that it takes a lot of bravery to willingly leave this world. The truly brave will do whatever it takes to achieve emotional sobriety and recovery, we'll fight this disease to the bitter end, and we'll be winners. So how about joining us? I'd be honored to walk this path in recovery with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by FightingIrish 
I really like this essay by Alan Harris:
Suicide
"When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves."
The unwelcome truth cannot really be communicated to us adequately through words at all. It must flow from the very marrow of our bones. There may need to be sleepless nights, flaming anger, tears by the pint, gnashing of teeth, and even some more glimpses into the chasm of death before we can slowly awaken from our nightmare of self-imprisoning separateness or egoism. When hope dawns again, as it usually does, we begin to see life's inevitable misfortunes and disappointments not as deuces dealt out by a heartless deity from a stacked universe, but as opportunities--for growing, for learning, and for aiding fellow strugglers. Each failure teaches us a valuable lesson in the "dear school" of experience--a lesson which advances us toward a more useful attitude of self-forgetfulness and one-pointedness (by which is meant "pointed towards the One"). When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves.
Suicide
"When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves."
The unwelcome truth cannot really be communicated to us adequately through words at all. It must flow from the very marrow of our bones. There may need to be sleepless nights, flaming anger, tears by the pint, gnashing of teeth, and even some more glimpses into the chasm of death before we can slowly awaken from our nightmare of self-imprisoning separateness or egoism. When hope dawns again, as it usually does, we begin to see life's inevitable misfortunes and disappointments not as deuces dealt out by a heartless deity from a stacked universe, but as opportunities--for growing, for learning, and for aiding fellow strugglers. Each failure teaches us a valuable lesson in the "dear school" of experience--a lesson which advances us toward a more useful attitude of self-forgetfulness and one-pointedness (by which is meant "pointed towards the One"). When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves.
I exercised for 30 minutes, so I feel a little bit better. I don't feel as suicidal after reading the essay. Also earlier today I sent out a few e-mails to friends asking if they'd list 10 positive characteristics of me, and my friend Lindsay responded back and wrote some traits I never thought about before. It still hurt to hear because it means I have to start appreciating myself and I don't think I'm able to tonight. Maybe Wednesday will be better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by Astro
Clay, I've checked back on this thread several times this afternoon, trying to figure out how to respond. Thankfully there have been some very helpful, caring, and supportive posts, I honestly have no clue what to say to you.
Typically when someone shares about suicide I post a meditation that was very helpful to me, rather than sharing the whole thing again I'm just going to share the opening thought......
Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more. And we also once. Never again. But this having been once, although only once, to have been of the earth, seems irrevocable.
—Rainer Maria Rilke
Once only and never again. Wow. But to be of this earth seems irrevocable? I intrepret that to mean that I'm here for a purpose, and I'm not done until God says so. Maybe I'm just doomed to share on SR forever. Lol.
Typically when someone shares about suicide I post a meditation that was very helpful to me, rather than sharing the whole thing again I'm just going to share the opening thought......
Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more. And we also once. Never again. But this having been once, although only once, to have been of the earth, seems irrevocable.
—Rainer Maria Rilke
Once only and never again. Wow. But to be of this earth seems irrevocable? I intrepret that to mean that I'm here for a purpose, and I'm not done until God says so. Maybe I'm just doomed to share on SR forever. Lol.
I really appreciate the "info-posts" you share with our members in the other forums, but I have to admit that what I like most about Clay The Scribe is the honesty I hear in posts like this, and I hope you continue to "peel back more layers of the onion" and reach out for help and support in your recovery. Your post in Gratitude is really cool, at least once I got beyond the self-pity that made me wince. You're better than that Clay, you're a fine human being. I hope you learn in time to be gentle on yourself.
And I'm sorry buddy, but I don't agree that it takes a lot of bravery to willingly leave this world. The truly brave will do whatever it takes to achieve emotional sobriety and recovery, we'll fight this disease to the bitter end, and we'll be winners. So how about joining us? I'd be honored to walk this path in recovery with you.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
Clay--Thanks for coming back and posting on here. It is important to let it all out. Sounds to me like you are pretty confused and in difficult places, in your minds eye at least, and that is all that matters really but at least realize that you may not be the most fair judge of yourself. Not to bore you with AA cliches, or the similarity in our stories, but really it helps me a lot to just focus on the moment, the day, and nothing else. You are doing a lot of living in wreckage of the past and the wreckage of the future. Those aren't particularly healthy places to be. You can't control those things, they only serve to depress you further. I could ramble on some more but the ball is really in your court. It is up to you. Just an FYI: I don't know how much pot you were smoking but marijuana withdrawal is a real thing and a process that takes weeks not days. It gets overblown because of peoples' insistence on the harmlessness of pot but it can be very serious and the suicide rate is higher than with other drugs in the first six months. You need to discuss this with your shrink if you haven't already. Quitting pot, smoking everyday for 6 years, was what eventually led me to the worst alcohol binge ever and into recovery. I was lucky.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by hendershot
Clay--Thanks for coming back and posting on here. It is important to let it all out. Sounds to me like you are pretty confused and in difficult places, in your minds eye at least, and that is all that matters really but at least realize that you may not be the most fair judge of yourself. Not to bore you with AA cliches, or the similarity in our stories, but really it helps me a lot to just focus on the moment, the day, and nothing else. You are doing a lot of living in wreckage of the past and the wreckage of the future. Those aren't particularly healthy places to be. You can't control those things, they only serve to depress you further. I could ramble on some more but the ball is really in your court. It is up to you. Just an FYI: I don't know how much pot you were smoking but marijuana withdrawal is a real thing and a process that takes weeks not days. It gets overblown because of peoples' insistence on the harmlessness of pot but it can be very serious and the suicide rate is higher than with other drugs in the first six months. You need to discuss this with your shrink if you haven't already. Quitting pot, smoking everyday for 6 years, was what eventually led me to the worst alcohol binge ever and into recovery. I was lucky.
I'm just going to go to sleep, or try, and hope I wake up in time to go get fired. AND I have to go to court for a parking ticket. Fun day tomorrow owning up to my mistakes. I need to write more.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by FightingIrish
I really like this essay by Alan Harris:
Suicide
"When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves."
The unwelcome truth cannot really be communicated to us adequately through words at all. It must flow from the very marrow of our bones. There may need to be sleepless nights, flaming anger, tears by the pint, gnashing of teeth, and even some more glimpses into the chasm of death before we can slowly awaken from our nightmare of self-imprisoning separateness or egoism. When hope dawns again, as it usually does, we begin to see life's inevitable misfortunes and disappointments not as deuces dealt out by a heartless deity from a stacked universe, but as opportunities--for growing, for learning, and for aiding fellow strugglers. Each failure teaches us a valuable lesson in the "dear school" of experience--a lesson which advances us toward a more useful attitude of self-forgetfulness and one-pointedness (by which is meant "pointed towards the One"). When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves.
Suicide
"When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves."
The unwelcome truth cannot really be communicated to us adequately through words at all. It must flow from the very marrow of our bones. There may need to be sleepless nights, flaming anger, tears by the pint, gnashing of teeth, and even some more glimpses into the chasm of death before we can slowly awaken from our nightmare of self-imprisoning separateness or egoism. When hope dawns again, as it usually does, we begin to see life's inevitable misfortunes and disappointments not as deuces dealt out by a heartless deity from a stacked universe, but as opportunities--for growing, for learning, and for aiding fellow strugglers. Each failure teaches us a valuable lesson in the "dear school" of experience--a lesson which advances us toward a more useful attitude of self-forgetfulness and one-pointedness (by which is meant "pointed towards the One"). When we can live for others, we no longer have to die for ourselves.
Clay i am so sorry to hear that you are hurting, I am sure you have a lot of people that care about you & would be devastated if you ever left this world of your own accord.
From the way you write here & express your feelings I could see you being a great writer. Why do you feel so down on yourself, you seem like a great person? Alcoholics seem to be more sensitive than most & harder on themselves overall.
I know this sounds simple but "we are what we think". Take some time to think about all of the good things about you, if you are struggling to find them get out & do some volunteer work, help people here on the forums & help people in real life.
Anyway, all I wanted to say was please try to think some good thoughts & donate some time to people so that you know you are helping others.
Take Care,
NB
P.S. Here are some videos that I think might be helpful
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe
I may have so much to give to others, but nothing to give to myself because I hate myself.
Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe
I'm pathetic for not having crawled out of this depressive hole by now.
Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe
I'm too tired to separate what's the depression from what is me. It all seems an inseparable stew.
Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe
It is comforting to hate myself because it's what I know. The depression makes it so uncomfortable to try to embrace and love myself that a lot of the times it's not worth the fight.
Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe
I don't believe I'm worth it and I don't believe my well-being is worthy of being nurtured however fooled you might have been by my kindness. I'm just in a self-destructive mode that takes me a while to get out of it. I'm just afraid I might take the permanent way out. Why should I have to go on suffering with this illness? Because others are? Because one can supposedly recover from depression? I don't believe that's possible for me, because my self-loathing side always wins and keeps me in the darkness. I just don't think I have the fight in me. I don't think I'll drink because that would bring me oh so closer to suicide, which I don't want until after I graduate. And suicide may seem like a coward's way out to some, but it takes a lot of bravery to willingly leave this world.
Depression doesn't have to win. Like I said before, I've probably had this most of my life...it's just morphed over time. There's nothing I can do to make it go away...but I can manage it. I have to be responsible for taking care of myself. I don't have the kind of chemical balance that allows me to live in a normal mental state...so I take my meds when and how I'm supposed to. Therapy helps for my personal issues and helps me to manage my mental illness. I have a good support network right now...therapy and SR. I stick with it because it works and works well. I have no desire to go back to the state I was in just 4 months ago. I have never felt this good before in my life. Things are beginning to make sense and fall into place. I'm actually looking forward to my journey.
I never thought I could feel this good. I didn’t believe anyone here who told me to stick with it. Despite my reservations I stuck with it…and that has been the best decision I’ve ever made in my life hands down.
Clay…what really brought me out of the hole was when I realized that for as many ways as there are to die, there are so many more ways to live and live well. Don’t look for ways to end it…look instead for ways to live…really live the kind of life you want for yourself. It is possible.
I’m still alone…no relationship here….but despite this I still feel good. I’m working on getting myself well…and when the time comes I’ll be well enough and strong enough to have the kind of relationships I want and need. I will not settle (big thanks to matty for that) and I will pursue my desires and dreams. There are so many things that are beautiful in life…things worth living for.
Clay, I want you to get well soon.
Please take very good care of yourself. Please reach out for help when you need it. Do not hesitate to get emergency help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe
I know some of you more gung-ho AAers will tell me I have to force myself to do it, but I'm just not ready.
I'm a gung ho AAer not because we are different, but because I have felt just like you and have found a way out. That makes me a true believer in the program. That's my only message. Can you imagine that? I felt just like you and found a way out.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I'm not a therapist, but who's voice is that in your head that keeps punishing you? Is it your parents? Somewhere someone must have told you that you were worthless. Well, you're not.
If you have a brother or sister, would you talk to them, the way you talk to yourself?
There are wonderful things in life and a lot of happiness to be had but not if you keep beating yourself up.
And you want to "wait til you graduate" to drink yourself to death? If you TRULY wanted to drink yourself to death, why would you wait? You'd just kill yourself now, wouldn't you? Cuz why would graduation even matter?
Dude, you don't want to kill yourself. Please get some help-you can totally retrain those voices inyour head that keep telling yourself bad things and make life better for yourself.
You screwed up once and showed up late-we all have done stuff like this. You're human. You can choose to move on from it and learn from it.
If you have a brother or sister, would you talk to them, the way you talk to yourself?
There are wonderful things in life and a lot of happiness to be had but not if you keep beating yourself up.
And you want to "wait til you graduate" to drink yourself to death? If you TRULY wanted to drink yourself to death, why would you wait? You'd just kill yourself now, wouldn't you? Cuz why would graduation even matter?
Dude, you don't want to kill yourself. Please get some help-you can totally retrain those voices inyour head that keep telling yourself bad things and make life better for yourself.
You screwed up once and showed up late-we all have done stuff like this. You're human. You can choose to move on from it and learn from it.
Originally Posted by ClayTheScribe
I realized the hard way that I have to give up pot too as it made me show up late to work and I got suspended. I'm such a ******* loser. I really want to drink myself. I want to drink myself to death, but I can't do that until I graduate in a few weeks. I'm such a loser and bad journalist and weak writer I don't expect I'll be getting a job I even remotely enjoy for a long, long time. It's times like these I wonder how many more bad things have to happen in my life to drive me to suicide. Been thinking a lot about death lately and what I'd like to happen at my funeral. Funny thing is I don't have the courage to take my life because I'm overall a coward. That's why I haven't had a girlfriend in so long and why I'm still a virgin, I'm not willing to take risks. I'm still 22 days sober or whatever, but I'm starting to care less about my sobriety. I'd like to just stay drunk after I graduate, take all my pills, fall asleep and never wake up. At least I'll have gone out accomplishing something. I'm ready to give in to the depression. And yeah I know my life's not as bad as many of yours or has been, so save it. Telling me how you overcame greater odds than I just makes me feel more depressed and more of a loser for not being able to overcome my few problems. Oh well, at least I've stopped cutting. And I'm not going to kill myself this week, and yes I know to call 911, etc.
Life is like being repeatedly beaten by a jagged mallet, you have to enjoy the times when the mallet's being lifted in the air.
Life is like being repeatedly beaten by a jagged mallet, you have to enjoy the times when the mallet's being lifted in the air.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I really don't know what to say Clay, other than I see so much of me in you. The depression, the alcohol and pot use, the complete self loathing, the suicidal thoughts. All I can say is that I'm in a better place now. I've been quit from the pot for a couple of months after many years of heavy use, and I still struggle with ocassional alcohol use. I have a person from here on the boards that I speak to regularly on the phone who has helped me a lot in a short period of time, by offer some sound advice, most of which I have chosen to follow. He personally is a "hard core AA person", but he doesn't shove the program down my throat.
Do you have a threipist you can talk to? If you are in school, there should be someone there if nothing else. There is something inside you that is driving this self loathing. I know what it is for me, and I don't care to share about it here for the moment, but it is something I am going to have to deal with to move forward. I remember a time when I would cut on myself, so I could feel some kind of physical pain to counter the emotional pain I was in. The sad thing is that it "helped". If you would have asked me about it a few years before I would have said that is crazy, but I've been there, and in hindsight, it is crazy, but I understand that kind of pain.
There are people who can help you, even if you have to check yourself into the hospital for a little while. I've done that a couple of times too. Your life is worth saving. You have dozens of people here reaching out to you, so that has to say something. You had friends respond to emails telling you positive things about you. Think how they would feel if you killed yourself. Suicide really impacts the person who kills themselves the least. They are not around to deal with the repercussions. All of your friends asking themselves "why they didn't see it coming and do something about it", the guilt they would feel. I assume you have some family, it is completely devestating to them as well. It's not just about you.
Somehow you have to muster the strength to get some help. Go to student services and ask for help there. Depression is very common amongst college students. Be honest with then like you are here. If you can't bring yourself to be that honest, print off this thread and bring it with you. None of us can really "help" you. We can offer suggestions, advice, share our experiences, but you are the one who has to gather up enought strength to reach for help. I know it is hard, probably one of the hardest things you will face in your life, but YOU CAN DO IT. Please take care.
Do you have a threipist you can talk to? If you are in school, there should be someone there if nothing else. There is something inside you that is driving this self loathing. I know what it is for me, and I don't care to share about it here for the moment, but it is something I am going to have to deal with to move forward. I remember a time when I would cut on myself, so I could feel some kind of physical pain to counter the emotional pain I was in. The sad thing is that it "helped". If you would have asked me about it a few years before I would have said that is crazy, but I've been there, and in hindsight, it is crazy, but I understand that kind of pain.
There are people who can help you, even if you have to check yourself into the hospital for a little while. I've done that a couple of times too. Your life is worth saving. You have dozens of people here reaching out to you, so that has to say something. You had friends respond to emails telling you positive things about you. Think how they would feel if you killed yourself. Suicide really impacts the person who kills themselves the least. They are not around to deal with the repercussions. All of your friends asking themselves "why they didn't see it coming and do something about it", the guilt they would feel. I assume you have some family, it is completely devestating to them as well. It's not just about you.
Somehow you have to muster the strength to get some help. Go to student services and ask for help there. Depression is very common amongst college students. Be honest with then like you are here. If you can't bring yourself to be that honest, print off this thread and bring it with you. None of us can really "help" you. We can offer suggestions, advice, share our experiences, but you are the one who has to gather up enought strength to reach for help. I know it is hard, probably one of the hardest things you will face in your life, but YOU CAN DO IT. Please take care.
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
What are you doing medically to treat your depression? Nothing will change until you are treated for depression. Don't focus on what you are unwilling to do for recovery, focus on what you are willing to do. I have been right were you are now, depressed, unemployed and hating myself and my life. I had not self esteem or confidence left. I had no motivation and thought I could never make it in life. It was easier to maintain the idea of giving up on life then mustering the courage to do something about it and changing it. The thought was so overwhelming and unimaginable. You know what, once I started treating my depression, the rest fell into place. It took lots of work and I had to be willing to step outside of my comfort zone. It was well worth it. Today, I am happy and functioning. What I thought impossible to achieve, I have and then some. Often times, the biggest obstacle between giving up and success...is ourselves. Think about it and then take action. Coming from someone who has been there, there is a solution. Getting better and moving on in life is up to you. Good luck...
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I hope you get some help, it sounds like you've dug yourself into a pretty deep hole, and though you don't want to hear it (read it), a LOT of us have struggled in life, but I respect that your perspective of your own struggles makes them seem unmanageable. That's why there's so much help out there!!
Read through this again.. pick out 5 things that you haven't tried that might actually show you some light. Try them, save your life. Only you can.. And if you're not going to kill youself til after graduation, what's stopping you now? Hold on to that part. Get help. Like many have said, nothing changes if nothing changes. This is hard work..
Read through this again.. pick out 5 things that you haven't tried that might actually show you some light. Try them, save your life. Only you can.. And if you're not going to kill youself til after graduation, what's stopping you now? Hold on to that part. Get help. Like many have said, nothing changes if nothing changes. This is hard work..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Thanks for your replies guys. I can't say it makes me feel immediately better, but I don't want to end my life right now. I got fired from the job. Oh and to top it off, when I told my boss that I overslept sometimes because of the sedating medications I take, he said he would've been more flexible with me. Funny. I don't really feel anything, though I know the despair is soon to follow. Right now I'm just keeping myself busy at my internship and with class. I have a therapist, though my sessions haven't been that productive and I'm on like 5 medications, including Wellbutrin, which I just started Saturday. I just feel numb; it's kind of nice though. I don't really care which way my life goes now. I'm not suicidal but I stopped wearing my seatbelt, so maybe I am.
Thanks again,
Clayton
Thanks again,
Clayton
Today's Muse
Join Date: May 2007
Location: West end
Posts: 1,081
I take Wellbutirn and it has changed my life. It takes time for it to kick in. It is important that you do not drink while taking it. It will not work while drinking alcohol. You will find another job. I got fired from 3 jobs before I got my life straightened out. The bad thing was, it just gave me more time to drink and sink further down. I'm glad you still have positive things to keep you busy, school and your internship. Dude, put your seat belt on. You are going to end up getting a ticket and you don't need that borrowed trouble. Don't become self destructive and exasperate the problems. It won't help anything, but feed into your depression. You are on the right path, give it time to see the positive outcome. Start believing in yourself. Give the meds time and focus on the positive. I know not easy, but it will come if you believe it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
The voice in my head that tells me I am worthless is my own, or the depression, I'm not sure some times. My parents always encouraged me and told me I was great. The problem is I've come to believe that voice and I feel stuck into believing it. You all say for me to believe in myself and that seems such a far-out concept, especially after getting fired today. I just don't know where to start. I can believe in my writing ability to an extent, but I'm starting to lose faith with every turned-down job offer. I guess I just have to be persistent and pretend I believe in myself. I originally wanted to kill myself after graduating in two weeks so I could feel I left the planet having accomplished something significant and my parents wouldn't feel so devastated that I left having been so close to graduating. But I suppose that's twisted logic because they'd be devastated I never gave my career a chance. So I guess suicide is out of the question. I deserve to suffer in misery for awhile for losing a simple job. I don't feel I deserve happiness for awhile.
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