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Friends that have a major problem

Old 07-14-2009, 01:17 PM
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Friends that have a major problem

What should I do, if anything? My best friend(who I grew-up with) and his wife have a major alcohol issue. They have 2 young sons, with the oldest one sometimes asking "what's wrong with mom?". Both parents have good jobs, a very nice home, etc. Problem is, when either or both parents are home, they are drinking. The mom usually has 2 days off a week, and usually the first day is getting wasted, the second is being ill with a hangover. The kids rarely ever get to go to school activities after-hours, because it interferes with drinking time. The oldest kid knows mom stays in bed alot, and I'm sure these kids know they aren't drinking Cool-Aid. When I quit 3 months ago, I told them that I was going to set an example, and hoped they would follow. They drink more now than ever before. They also said they wouldn't drink when I came over, and I told them to keep on, it wouldn't bother me any. Neighbors know what's going on, and the local store has asked me if they are drinking all the beer that they buy, because they often tell the store-keeper that "company is coming over", to justify such hefty purchases. It is probably not my place to say anything, but should I?...just wondering..
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Old 07-14-2009, 01:20 PM
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If the kids are being neglected in any way (and from what you typed, they obviously are..) it's not only your business but responsibility to do something.

No one's called child services yet?

Nothing you do can 'make' them do anything.. the only control you or anyone has, is to protect the kiddos.

Sad..
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Old 07-14-2009, 01:30 PM
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If he's your best friend, then it certainly wouldn't hurt to sit down and have a talk with him. But don't expect any miracles. Pointing out the effect that their drinking is having on the children would probably be the best avenue of approach. But be very careful about reporting abuse to the authorities. You'll need to have some specific examples of abuse or neglect, and missing after school activties doesn't fall into that category.
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Old 07-14-2009, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by joedris View Post
If he's your best friend, then it certainly wouldn't hurt to sit down and have a talk with him. But don't expect any miracles. Pointing out the effect that their drinking is having on the children would probably be the best avenue of approach. But be very careful about reporting abuse to the authorities. You'll need to have some specific examples of abuse or neglect, and missing after school activties doesn't fall into that category.
Thanks. The activities that these kids may or may not enjoy are not "mandatory", but it's things like ball games, scouting, or even going over to visit some school friends, etc. I don't think I'm exagerating. The father is the one who told me that he was kida "heart-broken" when the older kid asked about "mommy" being in bed. Heck, I thought that would have showed him something, but it's still "game on" for them.
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Old 07-14-2009, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by joedris View Post
If he's your best friend, then it certainly wouldn't hurt to sit down and have a talk with him. But don't expect any miracles. Pointing out the effect that their drinking is having on the children would probably be the best avenue of approach.
I agree with this. So many active alcoholics (myself included at the time) are under the delusion that their drinking is not hurting anyone. In a way, not commenting is feeding that delusion.

You may just plant that seed, that it is in fact hurting their kids. It may not be something they want to hear (I expect they will deny it & rationalize their drinking) but it is what they need to hear.
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Old 07-14-2009, 01:43 PM
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I know that after school activities are unimportant and missing them wouldn't constitute neglect.

If the parents are as constantly drunk all the time as you say, I doubt every one of their needs are being met. They drink more than ever. The liquor store is even worried. Mom is in bed a lot. Days off are drunk fests. I just don't see how this is suitable parenting, and the kids have no voice, obviously.

I could be completely wrong.. they could be awesome parents. I find that very hard to believe. A lot of people 'talked' to me about my drinking, I later laughed about it as I was pouring vodka down my throat. Maybe it'll work tho..
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Old 07-14-2009, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by smacked View Post
I know that after school activities are unimportant and missing them wouldn't constitute neglect.

If the parents are as constantly drunk all the time as you say, I doubt every one of their needs are being met. They drink more than ever. The liquor store is even worried. Mom is in bed a lot. Days off are drunk fests. I just don't see how this is suitable parenting, and the kids have no voice, obviously.

I could be completely wrong.. they could be awesome parents. I find that very hard to believe. A lot of people 'talked' to me about my drinking, I later laughed about it as I was pouring vodka down my throat. Maybe it'll work tho..
I've seen alot worse parents, but I've seen alot better ones, too. I really didn't realize that my problem was as bad until I quit, and I really don't think these people could do a 4-day sobriety(maybe even a 3). It's sad. Seeing what I went through has made them realize that they WANT to keep drinking, to avoid the "mess".....It's strange......
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Old 07-14-2009, 09:46 PM
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It sounds like a difficult situation. Like others have said, I don't think that there is a lot you can do. You can pray (if that suits you), lead by example, and be there for them if/when they ask for help. I doubt anything you could say/do would change there behavior. This is just my opinion, but I would not call child protective services under any circumstance other than physical or sexual abuse. Raging alcoholics or not, they are still parents. The entire experience of the kids going through the beurocracy of social services, or even in the extreme being placed in a foster home, can be an extremely traumatic experience. I saw one poster recomending this and I just couldn't disagree more. But I don't have all the answers and it does sound tough for everyone involved. All you can really do is work on your own sobriety.
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Old 07-14-2009, 09:56 PM
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Waterman,
I have a couple of thoughts.
First, could you start making some time for the kids? Do you have the extra time? It sounds like you are already an uncle of sorts. Just a thought that maybe you could help to enrich their lives, cause you sure can't fix their parents.
Second, be very careful. Do not forget that your sobriety comes first. You can not be the example that they need to see if you relapse. Remain focused on yourself and your recovery, they will see it, even if it does not seem like it right now. And you are not strong enough in your recovery yet to go saving anybody. take care of you!!
And if you can, help out the kids where you can.
Best of luck to all of you.
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Old 07-14-2009, 10:03 PM
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Hey Waterman, take a look over at the Adult Child of A forum.

Read the posts, see what these folks are going through, What they have 'suffered' ALL their lives.

That will give a much better idea on HOW the children are being damaged.

I know I am an 'old fogie' but when I see a child/ren in trouble and can verify the facts I do pick up and call CPS. We have enough screwed up adults in this world, we don't need the next generation to be that way also.

As to talking to your friend .................................. well give it a shot, however, you know as well as most on these boards, an alcoholic will justify and DENY until they have hit their bottom.

Please remember the 3 C's

You didn't CAUSE it.

You can't CONTROL it.

You can't CURE it.

Nope you cannot 'fix' your friend, or his wife, but you can help to protect the children.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 07-14-2009, 10:35 PM
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I have a good freind that I thought had a drinking problem. They say we should carry the message to the still suffering alcoholics the way I do that is by example. I never talk to anyone about their drinking or drugging unlesss Im asked to. My freind asked me few years back while he was helping me and hadnt had a drink in a day or so Howed you do it how do you not drink whats your trick, I shared my esh with him we went to an AA meeting that night and although I went back out he is still sober today. I felt and he has said if I had confronted him about his problem he probally would'nt be sober today. I'm not a save the world kind of guy I'll help anyone but I'm not a recruter.
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Old 07-15-2009, 02:56 AM
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Originally Posted by TTOSBT View Post
Waterman,
I have a couple of thoughts.
First, could you start making some time for the kids? Do you have the extra time? It sounds like you are already an uncle of sorts. Just a thought that maybe you could help to enrich their lives, cause you sure can't fix their parents.
Second, be very careful. Do not forget that your sobriety comes first. You can not be the example that they need to see if you relapse. Remain focused on yourself and your recovery, they will see it, even if it does not seem like it right now. And you are not strong enough in your recovery yet to go saving anybody. take care of you!!
And if you can, help out the kids where you can.
Best of luck to all of you.
You are exactly right! And these kids have called me "uncle" since they could talk. Thanks!
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Old 07-15-2009, 05:48 AM
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Waterman, take another sober person with you when you talk with them, even if you talk to your best friend separate from his wife.

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 07-19-2009, 05:00 PM
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Watch out with all this CPS stuff. I used to have a great relationship with my nephew who lived with me for over 1 year (mom is an oppiate addict) until I called CPS and told her how I felt. Then she cut off all contact between us. Also; it takes a tremendous amount of neglect for CPS to even do anything these days such as no food, dirty clothes, ect: If you do call, I would keep in low key; but they may no longer trust you if they suspect it was you that called. It is a very tough scenario to be in..when kids are involved that you care about. I will say lots of prayers for them-they deserve better!
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Old 07-19-2009, 07:06 PM
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I believe the last thing these people need is some government agency sticking thier nose in these peoples business. I don't know the answer, but I don't think uncle sam knows best about the childrens well being.
Sorry but thats my opinion.
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Old 07-19-2009, 09:14 PM
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As the child of an alcoholic father and a raging codependent mother I would have appreciated it if some adult had the guts to just call it what it was "alcoholism" and to let me know
I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

And to have given me a brochure (or I guess nowadays the website!) for AlAteen/Alanon.

Now, there were certain nosy annoying neighbors who if they had said anythng about my Dad I would have punched them in the nose!

But if you have a genuine connection to these kids then I would just let them know that you see what's going on and if they ever want to talk about it you are there....if you're seriously wiling to "be there" that is!

Kids of alcoholics are used to being let down and lied to by adults and people that "love" them...so just be ready to back up whatever help you offer...

I can't imaagine how different my life would have been if I had disovered AlAteen way back then in the dark scary deeply confused days of my youth!!
peace,
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Old 07-20-2009, 01:55 AM
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mmm... difficult one... I think you should talk to them, though. Calling social services seems a bit too premature to me... having said that, are you sure the children are not in danger? If they are both drunk (the parents), what if something happens?
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