jamdls

Katie, it will never be 'enough' you just have to let it and close the door on whatever 'it' is. I read a great book by Iyanla Vanzant, she is an inspirational speaker/writer who lived a really hellacious life, I've read several actually, but this one book was about "cleaning house" and she went through how we spend our lives storing all this 'stuff' in our basements and so many of us never get out of the basement; but she goes through the book cleaning out the basement, then the first floor, 2nd floor, etc and how some things get us stuck on different floors but the goal is to reach the attic. It's been years since I read this book but it made so much sense and helped me a lot. I think you need to clean house starting from the bottom to get yourself out of the basement. I think the name of the book was "In The Meantime", “When you are not happy where you are and you are not quite sure if you want to leave or how to leave, you are in the meantime.”


PS if you are a smoker, as I am, you can not take HRT as it's not safe.

flutter

Since I've lived sober for the past 6ish months, I have realized how horrible it was that I was EVER numb, and I never ever want to escape emotion good or bad.. it's REAL. I prefer to live, not hide.

Katie, I have read your posts since you've been here. Now your drinking is increased as well as pills, horrible and deadly mix. I worry that one of these days we might not see Katie around anymore... but again, it seems that you're hell bent to go out that way.

I hope you find something that is helpful to you at some point, while you still have the choice to make a change. And if not, that's absolutely your decision.. but it makes me sad for you. Take care.

tommyk

Why not start right now?

Now is a great time.

sfgirl

Sitting with your feelings is a skill one learns. It is also a tolerance that one builds. So in the beginning it is a balancing act. In a way though the body knows better than the mind how much you can do. If you surrender, I have a feeling you might not like that word, but if you could figure out how to do it, somehow I did, and still to this day I don't know how or really to what I surrendered, I just stopped trying so hard and started really listening to my body and my inner self. So in the beginning of recovery it is a lot about self-care and learning those skills. You don't need to put yourself in any awkward or trying situations because chances are you have enough bad feelings in yourself that you are going to have to tolerate and learn to sit with. You need to learn to do your best to protect yourself from excess drama and pain. This means avoiding negative people in your life. Honestly, I was a hermit for the first six months of sobriety. I basically hung out with my dog and went on tons of walks. That served me well. I wasn't ready to deal with others. They bring their baggage and I bring my baggage in dealing with them. Later, now, I am ready to interact with people, to be in situations with alcohol and drama, but I know how to take care of myself and I find myself able to both tolerate bad/stressful feelings more and more and for more extended periods of times but I also have learned to have self-care coping mechanisms to temper the rough patches. I know when to remove myself. I know how to set boundaries. I am a work in progress but I have moved slowly from the shallow end to the deeper end of the pool— I didn't do a cannonball. I think that is important.

You need to quiet down your life to learn the skill I think. I did at least. Because you have to start small and build. I think something that could really help would be vipassana meditation— I am sure there are Buddhist centers out there in Arizona that could help you learn mindfulness. This skill is the most similar I see as an addition to making sobriety your number one priority and therapy in learning to tolerate "real life" and all the feelings that come along with it.

Everyone is Welcome | Meditation in Arizona

Katie09

Thanks, it's not that I'm "hell bent," rather resigned at this point - at least today. I've done everything except go to Seattle for aversion therapy, and my shrink is/was against this. Now, did I do everything 1000 times? Yes to some things, no to others. I am going to be 50 and, at some point, I'd like things to be more about peace than constant battling.

I actually have a sense of relief today, as it became clear to me I must clean up my affairs. I have to update my will and make sure my house is clean. I've already spoken to my friend and he agreed to find a new home for my pets if something goes wrong. He has all of the details as to who to contact, the safety deposit box, etc. I refuse to be a drunk who leaves a bunch of loose ends for others to clean up. Just where I am at today.

Lenina

Katie,

I don't know if aversion therapy works. If it did, I wouldn't have drank so long. The hangovers, the sense of self-disgust, the puking and all the horrible side effects from alcohol would have "cured" me if it did.

I'm pretty sure there were some studies done a while back that showed aversion therapy didn't work very well. I'm not a good researcher like you are but I'm sure you can find the results online. Be sure to check the sources and make sure you're not reading a "basic advertising" article!

I hope you're feeling better today.

Love,

Lenina

FightingIrish

Katie, I think you have a lot of energy and a good heart. I'm not sure why you're talking about dying.

There is a lot of power out there in the world, but I believe it takes a fundamental shift in our own thinking for us to be able to access it. I am starting to do that in my own life. I have seen miraculous things happen, both for me and in others' lives.

Before I stopped drinking, I used to tell people that my life was like driving uphill with the emergency brake on. I don't think that way anymore. I don't feel that way anymore.

It happened for me when I gave up the fight. Gave up the idea that there was something out there that was going to fix me like a magic pill. My higher power is a previously untapped inner resource that only emerged when I truly surrendered and became open to a power that didn't come according to my own specifications.

M

Katie09

Thanks. I watched the Michael Jackson memorial yesterday. It was pretty moving and made me realize just how fast it can be over. The way I live, I need to accept that I may be one of the ones who do not beat these demons. Guess I am just trying to be a realist here. The least I can do is to be responsible and make sure I don't leave a mess behind me if I am one of the ones who doesn't get past things.

Thanks. I too am just going to give up the fight and maybe that will be the shift I need. God knows what I've been doing all these years hasn't worked.