starfieldroad

i have 10 months sober... and lately i really feel that things aren't getting better. from an outsider's standpoint (not that there even is such a thing), my life hasn't gotten any better-- i'm no longer in school, i'm now living with my parents and don't have a job, i'm not really functioning in society or being "efficient"... and i'm not even sure that i want to. i'm dealing with a serious mental illness & trying to battle that "terminal uniqueness".... but the fact is, i never had any sanity to be restored to... and it seems to be getting worse for me. i am seeking outside help, am on meds and stuff but even the smallest task like getting up before noon is a huge deal for me. i just feel so hopeless... i know that if i go back out, it's not going to get better-- it's going to get worse for sure and i don't know if i would make it back. i see all of these people come in to the program and many of them get better instantly, find themselves with jobs, kids, homes, and get their lives back on track.... i see all of these things happening for other people, and i know i'm not supposed to be comparing myself to them but it's really hard. i am working on my steps, have a good sponsor and i really want this, so why isn't it happening for me? i have to keep hanging on, praying that there is a better life for me... it seems that there are two dark roads pulling me like gravity, suicide and the bottle. i'm not sure what to do. lots of people have said that the time between 9 months and a year is really hard.... i really need some hope. i don't know how to live in this world.

tallcactus

((Starfeildroad))
Please hang in there!
The first year is the hardest. There is hope and you are doing great. Call you doctor, tell him/her, what you just expressed. Maybe an adjustment on your meds is needed and only he/she can do this. Share some more, if you can. Please do not try suicide or the bottle, they are not the answer. You are here for a reason, to touch a life, to make a difference and you have so, so, much to offer. Call 411, get a number to talk with someone now, a hotline. Sometimes, just a warm, caring, human voice is all that you need. Stay strong.

Firehazard

Thank you so much for sharing that. I am close to the same sober time 11 months and can say that there have been several bouts of hopelessness. The best way to get out of it is for me to find someone worse off than I am and help them. Keep at it you are doing better than you think. We have stopped digging that hole we are stuck in and now we have to take actions to get out of it.

Thami

Someone cares and there will always be someone out there who can help you in your time of need. Yes everyone seems to be getting better and you are not, This is because you are an individual and your recovery is yours alone....

We all suffer from a common desease (ADDICTION) but we did not get hooked in the same manner and at the same time, therefore we will recover and get better at different times too.
Just hang in there Bud and if you need to talk or whatever, just remember there is always someone waiting to listen to you.....

Stay strong and Well Done on being clean for such a long time...

Wolfchild

Thank you for staying sober for ten months!
It seems like you have made good progress.

Writing a gratitude list helps to get me thru those negative feelings when "things" don't seem to be working out. Putting extra effort into helping someone else stay sober helps me to 'get over myself' and strengthens my recovery. i have found that as my reservations are revealed, i need to surrender them so i can have more emotional stability within myself. Treating each day as another opportunity to discover what God's will is for my life centers me and helps me to move forward, regardless of what i think about my life or what other people are doing. Going to meetings regularly and sharing about what i am experiencing often brings me greater relief than just 'holding on'.

It is a spiritual process, so please take it easy & give yourself a break.
i have faith in you that you will continue to stay sober no matter what!

keithj

Ah great. Hopelessness. Now there's a topic I know something about. I will absolutely agree that the time between stopping drinking and getting some relief from the steps can be the toughest time for an alcoholic. Your old solution is not an option, and the new solution is not working in your life yet.

It will come. That's for sure. You say you are actively working the steps. It will come.

Yeah, but you may not necessarily want your life back on track. The BB promises rebirth. A 4th dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. You just may be one of those that requires something much better than getting your old life back. In some ways, I think this experience further distinguishes the alcoholic. Yes, some people seem to stop drinking and and everything falls into place. For others, the days just get worse, not better. Those are the folks like me.

This is why I have to be a proponent of really strong, book oriented AA. Primary purpose and solution based meetings. Intensive work with others. Spiritual principles in all my affairs.

What step are you on?

mistycshore

((Starfield Road))

Try to remember that other people are not dealing with the dual problem of serious mental illness and trying to stay sober. It's not fair to you to compare yourself to them; recovery is not a competitive sport. I think Tallcactus had a good idea, see if the meds need some tweaking. Hang on to your sponsor, keep reaching out. Give it time. You can get what you want out of life; it just may take longer than you'd like.

tommyk

Go to A LOT of meetings, hang out with people.

Keep coming back.

geothinkah

My experience oh so validates these sentiments.... Hang in there. Your best day is yet to come!

starfieldroad

I am on step 9. Been on it for about 2 months.... this could be part of the problem (I'm sure it is). My life is changing.... that's what's so effing hard for me! Thank you for your words of hope, though. I want to be happy, joyous, and free... something that I've never had. and I know that creating these things out of thin air, when I've never experienced them for very long at ANY point in my life (even before I started using), is what is so hard. I am leaning very heavily on my higher power right now, saying the 3rd step prayer every night. I just need to get up the energy to finish my 9th step and move on. It feels like I've been on it forever.

Pilgrim

I am a little bit curious about you saying that you are working on the steps. What step are you on? Does your sponsor use the Big Book to instruct you? Did he or she help you find your part in step 5 so that you could begin to have a spiritual experience or awakening?

With that much sober time, any sponsee of mine would have been sponsoring others big time by now. Freedom from alcohol is our aim. The progamme as described in the Big Book is where you will find the answers to all your living problems.

Medical professionals should answer your questions about depression.

Pilgrim

Sorry - just saw you have been on step 9 for about 2 months. Cleaning up the past is important but even more important is making sure we are not making more mess to clean up today.

Big Book Step 10: "We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past".

Don't wait to do Step 10 until 9 is finished. It can take years for fully clean up the past and finish step 9. As long as we are willing and not shying away from putting things right, step 10 is essential to our wellbeing. When you understand step 10 (a day of study will do it), step 11 and 12 should commence immediately. Step 12 will provide tremendous relief. Nothing ensures our sobriety more than intense work with another alcoholic.

baldjim

i really hope things get better for you buddy

i'm lost too i dont even fel like leaving the house even driving my car seems like a major thing :wtf2

mikel60

" i see all of these people come in to the program and many of them get better instantly, find themselves with jobs, kids, homes, and get their lives back on track.... "

This hits home. I often post about how wonderful my life is now (and it is), but don't often share about the work it took to get there. At two years sober, after attending meetings daily, I was miserable. I knwew something had to give. Something did.

I immersed myself in the steps. Here in the Boston area we have what is called Big Book Step Study. I attended nearly every night and got a real good look at myself and what it was that made me think the way I do.

It's not for everyone, but it certainly helped me. So, if I come across as a Pollyanna sometimes, pl;ease remember that it took hard work and time to move away from the hopelessness.

10 months is great, but you are just getting started. Don't quit before the miracle happens. Believe in yourself, trust things will improve, and keep working the steps.

You are worth it.

Waterman

Keep-up the sobriety! You're doing good. Once you get in the "Winner's Circle"(whenever that may be), you will look back on all of this with a sense of joy. I think that everyone here can relate to your situation, so we all should be able to cheer you on...

24hrsAday

thank you for this.. you are not alone.. IMHO no one gets better "deep down inside" quickly! it takes time.. i am clean and sober a few 24 hours now and i still pray every morning asking god for a day of sobriety.. you are doing real good to make it 10 months! stay with it..

starfieldroad

thank you so much to everyone for your words of hope... i am really grateful for this forum and for this unbelievable program. i'm going through a really hard time lately, i figured out (by the grace of god) that i needed to stop hanging out with many of my non-sober friends, so that i may really dive into the program-- somewhat similar to having one foot on the dock and one on the boat. for a long time i thought i could maintain reaching for a new life while still hanging on to the old one, which i think has a lot to do with why i was so miserable. the people in this program are some of the most amazing people i've ever met in my life. i want to be happy, joyous and free, and i know that this lifestyle is the only one that will allow me to have even the slightest bit of serenity. so thanks.

bald2000

I know... If somebody works hard and have good programm... he or she will have at last some good results. You in your previous life resolved your troubles using a substance - alcohol. Now you study how to live constructively. But any process last in a time.

shaun00

Is there an amends your worried about?.........that bothers you?

Do you have some concerns about this step that your not discussing with your sponsor?....

Cant help but think theres something your not saying here......maybe its me.

Im sorry your feeling how i did in early recovery....

are you getting to some solution based real AA meetings?

Maybe you need to discuss your meds and feelings with your doctor?

if i can be of any help please feel free to pm me anytime.

god be with you.......