Ongoing journal: Second attempt at recovery
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 36
Ongoing journal: Second attempt at recovery
To give a little background on my story as pertains to the topic of alcohol abuse, I started drinking about 7 years ago. For the first 5 or 6 years, I was a weekend drinker but I'd drink to extreme levels of inebriation every single time. I found myself in jail a couple of times during this time period thanks to this habit. I also picked up a tobacco habit 2 or 3 years into my stint with the bottle - cigarettes and chew, whatever I could get my hands on. I only ever used tobacco when I was pretty drunk... at least 10 drinks deep or so.
About a year ago, I morphed from weekend drinker to an ALL weekend drinker, where I'd drink from Friday straight through to Sunday without sobering up AT ALL most weekends. I think this was the turning point for me because my brain started to realize "hey, if you can drink Sunday and be fine at work on Monday... can't you drink on Monday and be fine on Tuesday, too?"
I started drinking during the week, nearly every day. I mentioned a couple previous visits to jail, so I was actually pretty safe about this. I bought one of those Sharper Image breathalyzers and calculated out how fast my body burns off alcohol, then I'd measure out how much I could have based on what time it was and how soon I'd have to be driving and/or at work... then I'd just pour the rest of the bottle out so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night and keep on going. My consumption rate for this period was probably 12-14 shots and 2/3rds of a can of smokeless tobacco per night. Oh, and the diet soda or whatever I was mixing it with. For the most part I managed to have a fairly normal diet outside of that - it wasn't uncommon for me to eat 3 meals and a couple snacks in addition to all that alcohol. As mentioned, oftentimes I would ramp up my intake on the weekends and just never sober up the whole time.
Obviously, I need to quit before my liver explodes or my face falls off.
A few weeks ago, I tried it out. I made it through 10 days... and I got bored out of my mind without drinking. I was going to Vegas this past weekend so I convinced myself that I could drink straight up through Vegas and quit afterwards, since obviously I was not going to be able to abstain in Sin City (I'm sure many of you have experience with worthless rationalizations such as that one, but that's what I was thinking at the time).
I believe I had my last drink late last night, which would put me around the 24-hour mark at this point in time. I'm back home, I took the day off work (I think I have no problem rationalizing this as a "sick day"...), and I'm ready to make a second attempt.
I thought I would just share the story live as I'm going through it. If anyone finds it informative, interesting, or wants to interject, then this post has served its purpose.
Today, I didn't feel anywhere near 100% until probably 3 p.m. The most significant symptoms that I go through (judging from my first attempt) are anxiety/panic attacks, insomnia, and nightmares (well, I guess I don't know if I'm going to have insomnia and nightmares tonight, but that's what happened last time, so I'm ready for it). The ones I find less of a pain are twitchiness/shakiness and the weird temperature changes - I'll sweat in 80 degree weather or in bed, then turn around and feel chilly in a temperature controlled room. Another significant symptom is there feels like there is a bowling ball lodged somewhere between my heart and my stomach/intestines, which in addition to obvious discomfort makes it feel difficult to take deep breaths since it feels like a weight on my lung area. I think this particular symptom may be more one of bad nutrition than anything else, but I still have to deal with it.
I've yet to experience any auditory or visual hallucinations, DTs, or anything that I would classify as SERIOUS symptoms, which is a good sign... knock on wood. Generally I am done with the physical symptoms after 36-48 hours (I'm sure many of you reading this just read that and said, "lucky"), but the severe boredom obviously lingered past that mark so it's logical to assume the psychological symptoms that I get extend out farther than that.
My plan is to keep myself under friend/family supervision for the next couple days especially (I'm not living at home right now but rather living with family), then get myself back to the 10-day mark since I know I can do that, then start attending AA meetings. I think tonight is going to be the worst (getting ready to go to bed here in a second).
I'm just sick of it all. It was one thing when drinking was FUN to me but it's not even that anymore, since my average night of drinking consists of getting sauced on 13 shots of rum while watching Survivor at home, or some other mundane show. My social life (and gym life, too, but I'm WAY less concerned about that) is nothing but a shell of what it was 2 or 3 years ago. Luckily, I haven't been affected professionally all that much because I refuse to go into work drunk and my withdrawal symptoms, when present, are generally very minor.
I'll keep you all updated as to my progress and I appreciate any feedback and support. Signing off at the ~24 hour mark.
About a year ago, I morphed from weekend drinker to an ALL weekend drinker, where I'd drink from Friday straight through to Sunday without sobering up AT ALL most weekends. I think this was the turning point for me because my brain started to realize "hey, if you can drink Sunday and be fine at work on Monday... can't you drink on Monday and be fine on Tuesday, too?"
I started drinking during the week, nearly every day. I mentioned a couple previous visits to jail, so I was actually pretty safe about this. I bought one of those Sharper Image breathalyzers and calculated out how fast my body burns off alcohol, then I'd measure out how much I could have based on what time it was and how soon I'd have to be driving and/or at work... then I'd just pour the rest of the bottle out so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night and keep on going. My consumption rate for this period was probably 12-14 shots and 2/3rds of a can of smokeless tobacco per night. Oh, and the diet soda or whatever I was mixing it with. For the most part I managed to have a fairly normal diet outside of that - it wasn't uncommon for me to eat 3 meals and a couple snacks in addition to all that alcohol. As mentioned, oftentimes I would ramp up my intake on the weekends and just never sober up the whole time.
Obviously, I need to quit before my liver explodes or my face falls off.
A few weeks ago, I tried it out. I made it through 10 days... and I got bored out of my mind without drinking. I was going to Vegas this past weekend so I convinced myself that I could drink straight up through Vegas and quit afterwards, since obviously I was not going to be able to abstain in Sin City (I'm sure many of you have experience with worthless rationalizations such as that one, but that's what I was thinking at the time).
I believe I had my last drink late last night, which would put me around the 24-hour mark at this point in time. I'm back home, I took the day off work (I think I have no problem rationalizing this as a "sick day"...), and I'm ready to make a second attempt.
I thought I would just share the story live as I'm going through it. If anyone finds it informative, interesting, or wants to interject, then this post has served its purpose.
Today, I didn't feel anywhere near 100% until probably 3 p.m. The most significant symptoms that I go through (judging from my first attempt) are anxiety/panic attacks, insomnia, and nightmares (well, I guess I don't know if I'm going to have insomnia and nightmares tonight, but that's what happened last time, so I'm ready for it). The ones I find less of a pain are twitchiness/shakiness and the weird temperature changes - I'll sweat in 80 degree weather or in bed, then turn around and feel chilly in a temperature controlled room. Another significant symptom is there feels like there is a bowling ball lodged somewhere between my heart and my stomach/intestines, which in addition to obvious discomfort makes it feel difficult to take deep breaths since it feels like a weight on my lung area. I think this particular symptom may be more one of bad nutrition than anything else, but I still have to deal with it.
I've yet to experience any auditory or visual hallucinations, DTs, or anything that I would classify as SERIOUS symptoms, which is a good sign... knock on wood. Generally I am done with the physical symptoms after 36-48 hours (I'm sure many of you reading this just read that and said, "lucky"), but the severe boredom obviously lingered past that mark so it's logical to assume the psychological symptoms that I get extend out farther than that.
My plan is to keep myself under friend/family supervision for the next couple days especially (I'm not living at home right now but rather living with family), then get myself back to the 10-day mark since I know I can do that, then start attending AA meetings. I think tonight is going to be the worst (getting ready to go to bed here in a second).
I'm just sick of it all. It was one thing when drinking was FUN to me but it's not even that anymore, since my average night of drinking consists of getting sauced on 13 shots of rum while watching Survivor at home, or some other mundane show. My social life (and gym life, too, but I'm WAY less concerned about that) is nothing but a shell of what it was 2 or 3 years ago. Luckily, I haven't been affected professionally all that much because I refuse to go into work drunk and my withdrawal symptoms, when present, are generally very minor.
I'll keep you all updated as to my progress and I appreciate any feedback and support. Signing off at the ~24 hour mark.
And congrats on 1 day! Why not go to a meeting tomorrow? 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
Welcome Pizza,
Congrats on 24 hours. You can do this. Keep posting here because there are alot of people just like you. I do think AA is the way to go for most. I could not use AA for personal reasons but we need to talk to others like us. This place has really been a godsend for me. There is so much knowledge on this site it amazes me.
The alcoholic mind will keep talking to you and once you learn what it is you can learn to ignore it. I am at almost 1 year and it will get harder before it gets easier.
I am a female and I spiraled in a few years. I was never a drinker because I was raising a family but once I started there was no stopping me. I think we have to learn to live with the fact that some of us can't drink. The problem is the majority of drinkers chose not to do anything about it, therefore I consider us the lucky ones. How sad it is that most drinkers feel they cannot have a good time without alcohol. I am learning but again it takes time. Just hang in there and keep posting and reading.
Good luck
Congrats on 24 hours. You can do this. Keep posting here because there are alot of people just like you. I do think AA is the way to go for most. I could not use AA for personal reasons but we need to talk to others like us. This place has really been a godsend for me. There is so much knowledge on this site it amazes me.
The alcoholic mind will keep talking to you and once you learn what it is you can learn to ignore it. I am at almost 1 year and it will get harder before it gets easier.
I am a female and I spiraled in a few years. I was never a drinker because I was raising a family but once I started there was no stopping me. I think we have to learn to live with the fact that some of us can't drink. The problem is the majority of drinkers chose not to do anything about it, therefore I consider us the lucky ones. How sad it is that most drinkers feel they cannot have a good time without alcohol. I am learning but again it takes time. Just hang in there and keep posting and reading.
Good luck
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Abstinence is NOT DRINKING and feeling BAD about it.
Recovery is NOT DRINKING and feeling GOOD about it.
Good luck but remember, NOT DRINKING does not treat alcoholism. You need to find new ways of feeling GOOD about your life.
Recovery is NOT DRINKING and feeling GOOD about it.
Good luck but remember, NOT DRINKING does not treat alcoholism. You need to find new ways of feeling GOOD about your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 36
Today 02:36 PM
Boleo:
Abstinence is NOT DRINKING and feeling BAD about it.
Recovery is NOT DRINKING and feeling GOOD about it.
Good luck but remember, NOT DRINKING does not treat alcoholism. You need to find new ways of feeling GOOD about your life.
Boleo:
Abstinence is NOT DRINKING and feeling BAD about it.
Recovery is NOT DRINKING and feeling GOOD about it.
Good luck but remember, NOT DRINKING does not treat alcoholism. You need to find new ways of feeling GOOD about your life.
Today 10:27 AM
tommyk:
Never forget when drinking stopped being fun.
Because your 'disease' is gonna do everything it can to tell you otherwise.
tommyk:
Never forget when drinking stopped being fun.
Because your 'disease' is gonna do everything it can to tell you otherwise.
I've just got to keep reminding myself that it massacres my social life and makes me feel awful for much longer than the buzz ever lasts.
...
To those offering words of encouragement: thank you... one of the things I find hard about this whole process is most of the people who want to help you, talk to you about your problem, etc., do not necessarily understand your problem. It would be like me attempting marriage counseling, even if I'm trying to give good advice, I have way less perspective than someone who is trained in that field or someone who, you know, has actually been married.
To those on the topic of AA: I will say that I am slightly leery of AA, I think that it might not be my thing. With that said, I realize that my first attempt at sobriety ended at 10 days, so I am going to give AA an honest shot. If anything, I can use it to bridge the gap if I feel like my social contact is lacking... although I intend on attending meetings on a regular basis regardless of if any gap needs to be bridged.
One thing that was really important to me was to get past the majority of the initial anxiety (which thankfully, passed today) and get my freaking house back in order. There were 9 million dirty dishes, rotting food in the fridge, dirty laundry all over the place... I just wanted to clean up a little, go to the grocery store, cook some healthy food for tonight and later on this week, and try to get my nutrition and daily routine down at the same time.
I wound up cooking about 2 pounds of chicken and lean steak tonight, stock my fridge on fruit, veggies, and a few whole grain products, and the only naughty thing I really bought was my second-favorite carbonated beverage - Wild Cherry Pepsi! (Guarantee you I would weigh about 50 extra pounds if there was a reliable fast food chain that had Wild Cherry Pepsi on tap.)
I'm about at the 48 hour mark... had an upset stomach all day but was able to get some reasonably sized meals down, was VERY fatigued since I was having insomnia for 4 hours last night and nightmares for the other 3, and at times had a dull but pretty insignificant headache. I haven't medicated, self or otherwise, at all today.
I will try to keep updating, and I hope to bless you all with some slightly shorter posts in the future.
I can't help it, I'm a novel-writer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 36
Today is like yesterday, except my stomach is less upset (got down three square meals and two snacks so far... probably going to try to eat again in about two hours), I'm more tired, and my eyes were more sensitive to light (which I think had something to do with being more tired).
Kind of stinks too since I have a couple things I should probably be doing tonight but I'm so exhausted all I want to do is watch TV... only I can't find anything halfway worth watching to me.
Maybe I'll go dig up a book I should have read a while ago.
Kind of stinks too since I have a couple things I should probably be doing tonight but I'm so exhausted all I want to do is watch TV... only I can't find anything halfway worth watching to me.
Maybe I'll go dig up a book I should have read a while ago.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Please see if this helps with your sleeping problems
Insomnia? 42 Simple Tips to Help You Get to Sleep - Insomnia treatment, cures
Since you like to cook......and wach TV...
The Food Newwork keeps me company very often.
Good to know your doing well
Insomnia? 42 Simple Tips to Help You Get to Sleep - Insomnia treatment, cures
Since you like to cook....
..and wach TV...The Food Newwork keeps me company very often.
Good to know your doing well
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 36
That little insomnia solution playbook was pretty helpful. Toe wiggling FTW!
I think this is day 6... been around people who have been drinking for the last three days. It's not that big a deal when people are drinking beer or mixed drinks in a bar, but it's a little rough when I see 3/4ths a bottle of rum and realize that I could probably be drunk in an hour and a half of casual drinking.
The only physical symptoms I still notice are screwy peripheral vision and strangely enough, brain fog while driving, and only while driving. I checked my blood pressure last week and it was high, but nothing too alarming.
Going to drive back home tomorrow, catch Wimbledon in the morning, go golfing in the afternoon, and stock my fridge, do some laundry, and get ready for next week.
I think this is day 6... been around people who have been drinking for the last three days. It's not that big a deal when people are drinking beer or mixed drinks in a bar, but it's a little rough when I see 3/4ths a bottle of rum and realize that I could probably be drunk in an hour and a half of casual drinking.
The only physical symptoms I still notice are screwy peripheral vision and strangely enough, brain fog while driving, and only while driving. I checked my blood pressure last week and it was high, but nothing too alarming.
Going to drive back home tomorrow, catch Wimbledon in the morning, go golfing in the afternoon, and stock my fridge, do some laundry, and get ready for next week.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 525
Good luck on your bachelor party!
keep a soda in your hand, and always think about tomorrow morning.
Maybe make a plan to wake up at 7am and go for a walk or bike or golf or grocery shopping or something. Through the nite, think about the morning.
I'm rooting for ya!
i'm happy today that i'm not hungover. Saturday morning, and i'm taking the day without the sickness.
keep a soda in your hand, and always think about tomorrow morning.
Maybe make a plan to wake up at 7am and go for a walk or bike or golf or grocery shopping or something. Through the nite, think about the morning.
I'm rooting for ya!
i'm happy today that i'm not hungover. Saturday morning, and i'm taking the day without the sickness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 36
Went fine.
We bumped into the bachelorette party and the bachelorette's sister... enjoys my company (PC way of putting it)... kind of stinks since she has a boyfriend so I spent a good portion of the night chit chatting with a dead end, but as far as alcohol goes, I was fine. Drank water, diet pepsi, and one tonic water that the lovely waitress made look like a vodka/tonic all night long.
I'm beginning to find out that about 1/3 of my friends that I have told what I'm doing are OK with it, about 1/3 I haven't explicitly told but they still seem to realize what I'm doing, and the dense 1/3 don't know what's going on, but they don't really give a toot either.
It's nice to know I can still go out without being a party pooper.
We bumped into the bachelorette party and the bachelorette's sister... enjoys my company (PC way of putting it)... kind of stinks since she has a boyfriend so I spent a good portion of the night chit chatting with a dead end, but as far as alcohol goes, I was fine. Drank water, diet pepsi, and one tonic water that the lovely waitress made look like a vodka/tonic all night long.
I'm beginning to find out that about 1/3 of my friends that I have told what I'm doing are OK with it, about 1/3 I haven't explicitly told but they still seem to realize what I'm doing, and the dense 1/3 don't know what's going on, but they don't really give a toot either.
It's nice to know I can still go out without being a party pooper.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 36
Just an update... today is #45... so a month and a half.
I haven't had a drop, but I sure have taken a liking to Diet Pepsi and chewing tobacco. I think I'm OK with the soft drinks, but the chew has got to go at some point.
Funny thing is that I had an overactive social life right at first, then I've turned into a hermit for the past 2-3 weeks. I'm not exactly sure if there's anything causing that or...
But in case anyone was wondering, I'm doing OK and I appreciate all the support.
I haven't had a drop, but I sure have taken a liking to Diet Pepsi and chewing tobacco. I think I'm OK with the soft drinks, but the chew has got to go at some point.
Funny thing is that I had an overactive social life right at first, then I've turned into a hermit for the past 2-3 weeks. I'm not exactly sure if there's anything causing that or...
But in case anyone was wondering, I'm doing OK and I appreciate all the support.
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