I slipped, feel so ashamed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
I slipped, feel so ashamed
I went to a housewarming party of a friend and had a few beers. I had drank earlier on Tuesday. Then I went home today and drank some schnapps, now I feel like crap, of course. I feel so stupid and so ashamed. I'm afraid it's going to get so bad I have to go into treatment which I can not afford.
I'm so terrible at forgiving myself. It's times like these I want to end it all (but I can't)
I'm so terrible at forgiving myself. It's times like these I want to end it all (but I can't)
Last edited by ClayTheScribe; 06-27-2009 at 07:48 PM.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
Lots of us had false starts, so no need to beat yourself up over that. You came here and posted and that's great. You can begin again. It's not easy, as you know. It takes solid determination to not pick up. You can do it! (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: tennessee
Posts: 592
Clay,
I struggled for many years I would swear this was the last time and always drank agin. I really wanted to quit I was dependent on alcohol it was a living hell. I decided I would just drank myself to death and almost did. I got sober thru AA but there are many ways to get sober. Just dont give up keep looking for your way.
I struggled for many years I would swear this was the last time and always drank agin. I really wanted to quit I was dependent on alcohol it was a living hell. I decided I would just drank myself to death and almost did. I got sober thru AA but there are many ways to get sober. Just dont give up keep looking for your way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Well, my friend, 83 daze ago I was drunk and trying to figure out how to kill myself and make it look like an accident so the family could collect insurance. I was too wasted so the core of me, lying in wait for 45 years of drinking took over and called for help. 21 daze psych and detox/treatment. I can't afford it either, but at least I'm alive and sober to worry about it. Things have a way of working out in life if you're present to work them out.
The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change so that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom, understanding and love.-- Jennifer Edwards
My best to you. I am glad to be alive and sober to read your post. Namaste (I bow to you)
The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change so that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger but in wisdom, understanding and love.-- Jennifer Edwards
My best to you. I am glad to be alive and sober to read your post. Namaste (I bow to you)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi Clay....
USA NATIONAL Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.
You can also contact the Salvation Army for free
de tox and treatment centers.
ER doctors usually know how to sfely de tox
Asking your doctor for advice is a good idea too.
I too retuned to drinking after my decision to stop.
Took me 4 years and a lot of AA before I quit.
National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service available at
1-800-662-HELP
This service can provide you with information about treatment programs in your local community and allow you to speak with someone about alcohol problems
You too can move forward....
Never give up on yourself.
Prayers for healing coming your way
USA NATIONAL Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.
You can also contact the Salvation Army for free
de tox and treatment centers.
ER doctors usually know how to sfely de tox
Asking your doctor for advice is a good idea too.
I too retuned to drinking after my decision to stop.
Took me 4 years and a lot of AA before I quit.
National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service available at
1-800-662-HELP
This service can provide you with information about treatment programs in your local community and allow you to speak with someone about alcohol problems
You too can move forward....
Never give up on yourself.
Prayers for healing coming your way
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Clay,
Just wanted to add my support. I also had many, many false starts. I also had total relapse after eleven sober years. I've got almost 18 months now. I've learned a lot, I'm a better person in so many ways. Keep taking it easy and keep on it. It's worth it.
Love,
Lenina
Just wanted to add my support. I also had many, many false starts. I also had total relapse after eleven sober years. I've got almost 18 months now. I've learned a lot, I'm a better person in so many ways. Keep taking it easy and keep on it. It's worth it.
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Hi Clay,
I just want to chime in here and give you some support. It's not uncommon to have some set backs. It is important to keep trying.
Most people on this forum have very similar experiences. Please don't give up on yourself. You are not alone. In early recovery, many of us find these experiences are valuable learing opportuinites. These things hurt, but pain can be a great motivator.
Alcoholism is a disease. You are suffering from a disease, and you are not a bad person. Now that you know your weakness, what can you do to prevent slips from happening in the future? What did you learn from this experience?
Only you can answer this quesiton: Are you an alcoholic? If you are, then you can be sure that there is hope. This might sound weird, but acceptance seems to be the first step in most recovery programs. Once a person accepts powerlessness, he/she might be able to move forward into recovery.
For me, once I hit my "bottom", the true nature of my malady became apparent to me. It was then that I became willing to change. Fear and pain drove me to my knees. Once I accepted the fact that I cannot drink like a normal person, and alcohol is poison to me....I became willing to change. What did I have to change to get and stay sober? Everything. I had to change everything.
Change can be good. If it's time for a change in your life, we are here to support you. If not, keep coming back. We are here to support you through your stuggle.
I hope you can find some strength and hope today.
chip
I just want to chime in here and give you some support. It's not uncommon to have some set backs. It is important to keep trying.
Most people on this forum have very similar experiences. Please don't give up on yourself. You are not alone. In early recovery, many of us find these experiences are valuable learing opportuinites. These things hurt, but pain can be a great motivator.
Alcoholism is a disease. You are suffering from a disease, and you are not a bad person. Now that you know your weakness, what can you do to prevent slips from happening in the future? What did you learn from this experience?
Only you can answer this quesiton: Are you an alcoholic? If you are, then you can be sure that there is hope. This might sound weird, but acceptance seems to be the first step in most recovery programs. Once a person accepts powerlessness, he/she might be able to move forward into recovery.
For me, once I hit my "bottom", the true nature of my malady became apparent to me. It was then that I became willing to change. Fear and pain drove me to my knees. Once I accepted the fact that I cannot drink like a normal person, and alcohol is poison to me....I became willing to change. What did I have to change to get and stay sober? Everything. I had to change everything.
Change can be good. If it's time for a change in your life, we are here to support you. If not, keep coming back. We are here to support you through your stuggle.
I hope you can find some strength and hope today.
chip
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
I can only say me too to so many posts on this thread.
I would try weekly to stop drinking and I would 'fail' for years.
and inevitably the guilt and shame and recrimination and self hatred would lead me back to the bottle harder and harder each time.
I broke the cycle by being proactive.
Look at all your options for treatment - even the ones that you don't think you could ever do right now...and start from that list as a starting point...
You can do this Clay. We all did.
D
I would try weekly to stop drinking and I would 'fail' for years.
and inevitably the guilt and shame and recrimination and self hatred would lead me back to the bottle harder and harder each time.
I broke the cycle by being proactive.
Look at all your options for treatment - even the ones that you don't think you could ever do right now...and start from that list as a starting point...
You can do this Clay. We all did.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Clay,
A lot of us have had false starts, what is important is what do you do the next day. Do you hop back on the wagon and try to build on the recovery you already have? Or do you drink again the next day, and the day after, etc?
I did the later several times, and I don't want to live like that anymore. You don't have to either.
A lot of us have had false starts, what is important is what do you do the next day. Do you hop back on the wagon and try to build on the recovery you already have? Or do you drink again the next day, and the day after, etc?
I did the later several times, and I don't want to live like that anymore. You don't have to either.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Get back up, re-think your decisions to stop drinking in the first place.
Why was it, or is it, that you desire to stop drinking?
Lastly - and importantly - you didn't slip on anything - you very willingly, consciously and knowing made a choice to drink, it was no accident.
Accept responsibility for your actions. Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness.
Why was it, or is it, that you desire to stop drinking?
Lastly - and importantly - you didn't slip on anything - you very willingly, consciously and knowing made a choice to drink, it was no accident.
Accept responsibility for your actions. Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness.
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Hello, Clay.
I know that when I used to dwell on how bad I felt after relapsing...the bad feelings gave me an excuse to drink...so I would drink....again....and again....
This may be hard, but don't even think about the forgiveness part. You know what happened this last time and the effect it had...so add this experience to you list of triggers to avoid.
I've relapsed so many times in the last year. The last one really scared me...I didn't think I'd make it out. For me, it has become progressively harder to quit each relapse.
Stick close to your supports. Sometimes I'll stay on SR for hours at a time just to stay sober and sane.
I know that when I used to dwell on how bad I felt after relapsing...the bad feelings gave me an excuse to drink...so I would drink....again....and again....
This may be hard, but don't even think about the forgiveness part. You know what happened this last time and the effect it had...so add this experience to you list of triggers to avoid.
I've relapsed so many times in the last year. The last one really scared me...I didn't think I'd make it out. For me, it has become progressively harder to quit each relapse.
Stick close to your supports. Sometimes I'll stay on SR for hours at a time just to stay sober and sane.
TC MI
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Traverse city MI
Posts: 73
HI Clay, I have quit and gone back many times. usually after i start feeling good and things start to go my way again.. Yes that is insanity. Reading,AA,and fellowship with sober people helps me..
get up and start with today! it will be the beginning of all your tomorrow,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 664
Originally Posted by keepcominback 
Don't give up, tomorrow is a new day! Do you have a sponsor? Do you attend AA meetings? Do you have the desire to stop drinking and create a great life? If you go to AA, do you have a Big Book? Put down the schnapps, and start reading it if you like.
Start at doctor's opinion, read on up pgs, 1-164 of book! Do you know how to make a list of your fears and resentments, and how to ask for them to be removed yet?
Has anyone shown you how they work the steps, from the book, taken you through the steps, in the book?
Make a list, I have resentment at __________, because I have fear _______.
I will share an example from my own life.
I have resentment at myself, because I have fear I drank again.
I have resentment at myself, because I have fear I feel hopeless at times.
I have fear I won't be able to get my life together...examples...
You can write the resentment, or just state the fear, write out as much as you can, then write at the bottom, if you choose to,
Please God Remove these fears and resentments, I pray only for knowledge of your will for us, and the power to carry that out, Amen.
When the fears come up, "Stop, Drop, and Roll" that pen across the paper, get it down, write it out, then either rip it up, or (5th step it) and share it, read it with an understanding and trustworthy person, sponsor, or otherwise of your choosing. The action of getting the stuff out/down on paper, asking for it to be removed, is willingness to have your problems solved. This persistance to take your inventory, even if it sounds stupid, or you don't feel like doing it, do it anyway, this trains your brain my sponsor says to think differently, into positive habits, and recovery growth, and freedom from fears, and resentments, and anxiety! Whew, sorry so long....
I have 7 days today. You can do it, if I can do it!
It takes what it takes...but I just got home from a speaker meeting, and the speaker said in her opinion that we do have the power to choose, we do have choice...
Are you willing? I know I am. Take it easy on yourself, please.
I understand. It can be difficult to say the least. What can you do, either, continue on or change course...launch into a new course of action, get with someone that can help you, go seek a winner and ask for help, because it is hard to do it by yourself, or at least when I tell myself I can do it by myself, I find myself drunk.
So...I need others to help me, and perhaps you can get an in person support team together? Yeah? Believe in yourself, and become the person you can be, forget the fear, just try again, okay?
God Speed!
Start at doctor's opinion, read on up pgs, 1-164 of book! Do you know how to make a list of your fears and resentments, and how to ask for them to be removed yet?
Has anyone shown you how they work the steps, from the book, taken you through the steps, in the book?
Make a list, I have resentment at __________, because I have fear _______.
I will share an example from my own life.
I have resentment at myself, because I have fear I drank again.
I have resentment at myself, because I have fear I feel hopeless at times.
I have fear I won't be able to get my life together...examples...
You can write the resentment, or just state the fear, write out as much as you can, then write at the bottom, if you choose to,
Please God Remove these fears and resentments, I pray only for knowledge of your will for us, and the power to carry that out, Amen.
When the fears come up, "Stop, Drop, and Roll" that pen across the paper, get it down, write it out, then either rip it up, or (5th step it) and share it, read it with an understanding and trustworthy person, sponsor, or otherwise of your choosing. The action of getting the stuff out/down on paper, asking for it to be removed, is willingness to have your problems solved. This persistance to take your inventory, even if it sounds stupid, or you don't feel like doing it, do it anyway, this trains your brain my sponsor says to think differently, into positive habits, and recovery growth, and freedom from fears, and resentments, and anxiety! Whew, sorry so long....
I have 7 days today. You can do it, if I can do it!
It takes what it takes...but I just got home from a speaker meeting, and the speaker said in her opinion that we do have the power to choose, we do have choice...
Are you willing? I know I am. Take it easy on yourself, please.
I understand. It can be difficult to say the least. What can you do, either, continue on or change course...launch into a new course of action, get with someone that can help you, go seek a winner and ask for help, because it is hard to do it by yourself, or at least when I tell myself I can do it by myself, I find myself drunk.
So...I need others to help me, and perhaps you can get an in person support team together? Yeah? Believe in yourself, and become the person you can be, forget the fear, just try again, okay?
God Speed!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
