Katie09

I know along the way we let people down. Sometimes they go away completely but at times they are willing to give us another chance. I also realize each situation is different. However, in your experience, how long did it take before people believed you were sincere and really were done with drinking? I have a second chance with someone. Understandably, he is very wary and I can't blame him. Still, I am committed to staying the course and proving myself. Thoughts?

CarolD

My thoughts are you don't need to get involved
with a guy at this point. Regardless of the circumstance.

You have how many days sober this time?

laurie6781

I think with my family and the few 'friends' I still had left, they started to show bits of trust in me at maybe 2 years of sobriety and by the time I hit the 3 year mark our relationships seemed to be pretty much back on track.

They did a lot of 'standing back' and just watching my actions, seeing if my actions were matching my words.

I don't know if my experience is the norm, but I do know that I did a real 'bang up' job of burning all my bridges while I merrily (and not so merrily) practiced my alcoholism.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

suki44883

Only speaking for myself, it would take at least a year of sober living and working some type of program during that time, before I would even consider resuming a relationship. That's not to say that I WOULD resume the relationship, only that I would be willing to consider it.

SelfSeeking

I hid my drinking, or the full extent of it anyway, fairly successfully. At first when I decided I needed to stop I made a very small announcement to my SO- "I think I'm not gonna drink anymore, I keep trying to keep it under control and I just can't. I don't just want a drink. I really really want to drink. I need to drink." And then I "just didn't drink"... for a whole 13 days. He kept drinking around me, we still had alcohol in the house. I drank and then shortly thereafter we had a real blow up, don't remember what started it but I recall screaming something like, "I'm a f*cking alcoholic and I'm afraid of dying like my grandfather and uncle did and the way my dad probably will". Then we really talked and we dumped out all the alcohol in the house, and I started going to AA about a month after that... then accumulated sh!t hit the fan from my drinking... Then I relapsed one night and called SO drunk telling him to put his "next of kin" as someone else because I was going to kill myself. That was approximately 3 months after I made my initial statement.
He has continued to take me seriously because recovery is a big part of my life and although I have relapsed once since then, for one night, my life is just fundamentally different than it was when I was drinking. My job is steady, my school is back on track, I hang with a different group of people... a lot has changed. Our relationship is about a billion times better because we've learned to talk, instead of my keeping things under wrap til blowing up while drunk.
One thing's for sure, it took a hell of a lot more than just saying "I'm quitting drinking". I had to really, you know, quit.

Katie09

Thank you all. Based on these posts, I need to be super patient and just prove myself. Will do.

Sugah

My parents were most forgiving and willing to trust again. By the time I was a year or two sober, they just took it for granted that I didn't drink or drug anymore. My kids had conditional trust. They were okay so long as I kept to a predictable routine. If, say, I went out for coffee after a meeting when they'd typically expect me home right after, my cell phone would ring -- just because "I wanted to be sure everything's okay."

I didn't have a lot of friends left from my drinking days, but of those who stuck around or came back around, I'd get these questions under times of stress or celebration -- "Are you sure you're going to be okay through this?" I took it as a sign of concern, not a lack of trust. Most of them didn't really think I was "done" until I'd been sober several years.

Trust isn't lost overnight, and those who've been hurt by our drinking should not, in my opinion, be pushed to trust before they're ready. Our words mean little to them. After all, how many promises have we made only to turn right around and break them? Our actions and our consistent, continuous sobriety are the only way that I know to regain trust.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

joedris

I once asked this very question, and was asked in return "How long did it take you to let everyone down? And since you've lied to everyone before, why should they suddenly start to believe you now?" And it's taken me a long time to recover from the damage I did to everyone. Even today I'm certain that there's always a little doubt in the back of everyone's mind. But you know, that's not really important to me. What's important is that I stay sober. I have no control over how others feel, but I understand why they feel the way they do. So I just plod along, one day at a time.

Katie09

Yes, that is all we can do - one day at a time. I just have to be patient and do the deal. The person I reference has been in my life three years now. He's seen me through the worst and all he's ever wanted is for me to not drink. I am not about to cut him loose at this point. He is my greatest champion when it comes to me getting sober, works in mental health, so he is very patient with me. He knows about my "other" Dx and really gets me. All in all, I couldn't ask for a better person than him to work through things.

Still, both he and I know I have to do the work. I imagine it is going to take some consistency on my part for him to trust me. Thanks for your post.

Chamabama

I don't know that I could get sober for anyone else or to prove myself to anyone else or to gain anyone's trust.

Right now, I don't fully trust myself, so I remain vigilant. I don't know how long it will take me to trust myself again. My sobriety is my main concern right now.

Wish you the best.

Katie09

Thanks, everyone needs help and support, right? I don't get mine through AA, so I make do with what I have. Nonetheless, I am cognizant of others who do not share my addiction and have to be aware they aren't going to trust me overnight.

My driving force in getting sober comes from my MD, who told me I'll have long term health problems if I don't quit now. Am I getting sober for my MD? Clearly not, but I did hear him.

keithj

The trust from others is so out of my hands. When I got sober, I underwent a pretty profound tranformation in my reaction to life. Not a burning bush or white light, but a slow awakening to seeing the world and my place in it from a different perspective.

Some people noticed that difference right away and trusted in that change from the get go. Others had long since given up on me and there was no opportunity to 'prove myself.'

I know that it doesn't matter. One of the real blessings of recovery is not being enslaved by someone else's opinion or acceptance of me. I act in a way that is trustworthy. And when I screw up, I admit it and try to fix it through more action. That is my part, and my only part, in the trusting equation. I do my best to act this way whether or not it's noticed. And more often than not, over time, that trust is restored with those who once held doubts. Nothing I can do to make that happen more quickly except do the actions every day.

Katie09

I disagree. I really don't think it is so out of our hands. I really think we shape our relationships but, of course, actions do speak louder than words.

I am invested in my situation and realize it will take time. I am ok with that, but wanted some input from others who might have dealt with the same thing. Thanks for your post.

smacked

And how long did you drink?


that's a bit rhetorical.. but still.

I think your recovery without distraction should be your WHOLE life right now... but that's just my thoughts.

I have around 10 months under my belt. Some trust I've regained.. some I never will. I can only worry about me, and living as healthy and honestly as I possibly can. That does me well so far.

Katie09

He's no distraction. He is my support. I don't do AA and have no one else here. He checks in with me daily and only wants me to be sober. I've put the guy through hell and he is there for me. Contrary to AA wisdom, he is THERE for me, whether I go to meetings or not.

As to time, I don't do time. The one thing I remember in a rehab was going around the room to say how much TIME a person had. One guy said somewhere over 30 days. I admired that and both respected it. I find people in AA use TIME as a measure of respect given to another. You can be crazier than hell (no one here!) but somehow a person with TIME can be a criminal, 13th stepper etc, but if they have enough TIME they are looked up to. No thanks.

smacked

I was only referring to your "time", as it might relate to your question about time and trust. There may or may not be any correlation whatsoever. However, I'm just saying that after 10ish months sober (I don't count either, and I'm not in AA.. btw).. I find that people trust me a lot more day to day than they did 9 months ago.

Course, that's only my observation, and your guy may not need "time" to prove "commitment". I would.. I often base my thoughts on others much more so on action than on words. Words are useless.

Pinkcuda

The trust of others was a false motivator for me. What becomes of my life if I have demonstrated all that I have to offer and the trust of someone else still isn't there?

Wolfchild

It does not matter to me whether anyone "trusts" me or not.
What they do or don't do does not dictate how i should live.

The important question is 'do i trust myself'? ...Yes.
Do i have faith in myself to continue forward?...Yes.

i hope you continue to find out what works for you.

flutter

I could only hope that my husband would grow to trust me.. that is not within my control. All that I can do is live my life in such a way that trust comes naturally. Luckily , we got there <3

Gypsy Feet

nicely said sir